I flip further into the magazine, seeing a couple other shots of me, hand the magazine over to her, and go back into the box. “He said he was gonna give me the extras….” I pour all the shipping bubbles from the box out and see them; they were wrapped individually in plastic, and then there is a book.
I want to cry looking at them; they’re beautiful.
I take them out of the box, lining them up on the bar so I can really see them. “Damn Jen,” Enzo growls, peeking over. I don’t think Dmitri notices that I saw the look he gave Enzo, but I did.
“Oh! I love this one, ohmygodddd Jen!!!” Elena points to the image of me in black lingerie, standing against a window, my black acrylic nails being displayed. I had on deep red lipstick and a dark smoky eye.
“I really like that one too,” I admit, flipping through the pile.
“You did nudes for him?” Enzo snaps
I looked up to him “Uh, yeah, I fucking did!”
“Shit. JENNIFER!” Elena holds up a black and white photo of me. I had slicked back wet hair, wearing a bondage bikini bottom and just a leather jacket, ample cleavage on display. All the guys around the bar see it because of how she is holding it, numerous whistles and fucks coming out of their mouths.
“That’s my favorite.”
“I think it’s everyone’s favorite,” Elena jokes, and I laugh. “Mhm, I just feel really powerful, sexy, and fierce in that one.”
“You’re all of those things, and not just in that photo,” Dmitri growls, eyes full of hunger.
I glance up to him and smile. That was sweet, so freaking sweet. “Thanks.”
“Now, put those fuckin’ things away before I smash everyone’s face in for looking at you like that,” he growls, eyeing every single man in Bubba’s.
I just smile, obeying my broody Russian.
Chapter 18
While they all fall in love with her smile, she waits for one who will fall in love with her scars. - The Dreamer
Jenna
“No! Stop!” I screamed and pleaded, knowing that if he dragged us both out here there was no way he was stopping now. I cried and screamed because I thought it would change things, deep down, I knew it wouldn’t. He was a man that I called “uncle”, he wasn’t supposed to be doing this to us, to me.
“Shut up, T. You’re gonna take it, and you’re gonna like it as much as I’m likin’ giving it to you, in front of your daddy.” My uncle Will grabbed at my throat, squeezing until it was almost impossible for me to breathe. I didn’t understand what was happening. I didn’t understand where all of this hatred suddenly came from.
He grabbed at my jean shorts, my struggling not doing a damn thing to stop him. “Please Uncle Will, stop!” I yelled, the tears flowing down my cheeks.
He smiled at me, and I’ll remember what he said next to me for the rest of my life. “No matter what you say this is happening, I want you to remember this is what happens to traitors. I want you to remember this day, forever.”
His hands dragged my jeans down my legs, pulling my panties down with them. I was just thirteen years old when he raped me, my life changed forever in that moment.
“Stop! Stop!!” I screamed, the tears burning my eyes.
“Get your fucking hands off her Will. I swear to God, I’m going to kill you!” My father roared; his body was sliced into a million pieces, but he somehow had the strength to fight for me. At that moment, Will entered me, taking my virginity, taking my dignity. Little did I know that everything would be taken from me that day.
Will looked to my father, thrusting into me, I had to turn my head away from them, I couldn’t bear the humiliation. “How are you going to do that when your lil’ girl is gonna kill you first?”
I remember how fast my face shot to the man who I called my uncle, his lips curled up and he smiled at me.
“No.” I shook my head, my tears flowing down my face in a never-ending wave.
“No! No! No!” I screamed repeatedly, I don’t remember much of what happened. It all passed in a giant blur until he gave me two options on how I was to kill my own father.
I would either shoot him, or he’d light him on fire. “Please stop, don’t make me do it, please!” I looked at my uncle, then to my father.
“It’s okay, baby, it’s okay. Lionheart, you do what you gotta do.” My father stared at me in the eyes, my lips trembled, but I knew which death was more merciful. I had to shoot him, because if I didn’t, Will was going to light that match. He’d already poured the kerosene over my father’s body, groaning loudly as the kerosene slipped into his open wounds.
“Daddy,” I begged, my hands trembled with the gun.
Will pressed a gun against my head. “You shoot him, or I’ll shoot you.”
“Dammit. Lionheart, you do it, now!” my father roared at me. “You shoot me now, baby, I love you, you just gotta do this. You gotta, go on. Tegan, Do it NOW!”
And I did.
I did it.
***
My body starts shaking violently, it is in this moment that I realize I am not the one doing the shaking.
“Jenna.” The voice was stern.
“Jenna!” My body shakes harder. I flutter my eyes open. The room is dark, but I can point out Dmitri’s body over mine and the tone of his rough voice. Dmitri is towering over me. The dogs are whining, blood curdling whines. I shoot off the bed, my whole body shaking.
I was doing fine – I hadn’t had a nightmare about this in ages. Ever since the attack a couple weeks ago, all that’s happened is memories of that day randomly hitting me. I’ll be doing anything, in the shower, washing the dishes, and BAM – Will Michaels’ voice is pounding into my head, “no matter what you say this is happening.”
Enzo barrels into my room, turning the light on. “What the fuck is going on in here?!”
“I – I was h-having a nightmare, D was just h-helping,” I say. I look up to Enzo, and he isn’t buying it. “G-get out!” I snap, tears flowing down my face.
He doesn’t move, instead, he comes further into the room, eyeing D and then me. “Get the fuck out, Enzo!” I scream, and he finally listens, exiting the room.
I can’t do this, I can’t handle this right now. I grab a pair of workout leggings, stripping and changing into a sports bra right in front of Dmitri. To tell the truth, I forgot he was there until he coughed. He’s seen me naked plenty of times, what does it matter?
“Shit!” I jump, startled. “I’m going for a run,” I tell him. I am not asking permission. I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted to do.
“It’s three in the morning.”
“I’m going for a run.” I repeat, and Dmitri nods, taking me into his room. He changes too, and we leave in my car. The entire ride is silent, tears still coming from my eyes. I can’t help it, I haven’t had this nightmare in so long, and it just creeps up on me. I relived everything, I felt everything.
I pull into the parking area, and Dmitri follows me as I lock the car. “You can’t tell anyone I brought you here, I mean it, not even Reed, not Elena.” I thought he was further behind, but he isn’t. He is right next to me.
“Fine, but you tell me what that dream was about.”
“No.”
“You tell me, or I tell Reed we came here.”
“This isn’t a fucking negotiation, Dmitri!” I snap.
“You were in pain; you need to talk about it.” His hands go to my shoulder, squeezing gently.
“I am in pain, there’s a difference,” I snap, harsher than I intend, regretting the attitude spilling out of my voice.
We walk further until we reach the tree. It is dark, but I know exactly where I am. “Why are we stopping?”
“Just give me a damn minute,” I mutter. I stare, wrapping my arms around my body.
The moonlight is just bright enough that I can see his features. I can see the bark clearly now. I walk up to the tree, touching the last place my father ever was, and I cry. I haven’t cried this hard since the day I
was forced to shoot him. I miss my father, he was taken from me. Ripped from my life in the most horrific way imaginable.
The memories flood through me, the pain getting worse. It’s never stopped, it’s only gotten worse, and I can’t handle it anymore. I’ve been good at faking it for so long, but on the inside, this pain cripples me.
I know I can’t stop, that I must kill Will Michaels. It’s the only way I can finally move on from what happened that day. I know it’s unhealthy, it plagues my happiness and makes me this dark thing. That day has turned me into this…monster who is hellbent on righting the wrongs that were done to her.
What does that make me? A psychopath? A woman scorned? I’m sure there are a lot of things that people would call me if they knew the truth. If they knew that my real name is Tegan Hill, that I had Will Michael’s bastard child through rape, if they knew I stripped and fucked for money underage until I made sure that I didn’t have a fragment of Tegan left inside me. And if they knew I’d been in this damn club for this long with one objective. Well, what would they say then?
The truth is, it doesn’t matter what they’d fuckin’ say. I’ll wait forever if I must. Even if it slowly kills me in the process. I know that my mission has done one thing, it has taken over my life…
It feels like the wind has been knocked out of me. I kneel, put my hands on my knees, and cry. My body shakes, but I need this. I’ve asked myself why this had to happen so many times, but there will never be an answer.
“What happened here?” Dmitri asks., He kneels to me, wrapping his arm around my body. I could say all I would about him, how I hate his broodiness, how I hate that he demands answers from me. It’s all a lie. I love it, every glorious piece of it. There’s something inside of him that calls out to me. Some form of darkness that makes him feel like home.
Then I remember – he doesn’t know me, or at least not yet. He knows Jenna. Jenna and I are not the same person. That’s a mindfuck. Or maybe I am Jenna now. I don’t even know who the fuck I am anymore. Am I Tegan? Am I Jenna? Am I some god-awful combination of both?
I look over to him, his eyes focusing on mine. He isn’t looking at me with pity; it is understanding. “Everything was taken away from me.” It is vague, and as much as he is going to get. He nods, taking his jacket off and sliding it over my shoulders.
“You were raped here.” It isn’t a question; it is a statement. “This is where everything happened?”
“Dmitri, I – I…” My lip trembles as I speak softly, trying to find the words to explain to him what I need to, to give him the dark and dirty details of what happened. He knew bits and pieces, but he didn’t understand the severity of it all.
“What did he make you do?” His hand cups my face, turning me to look at him.
“S-something horrible.”
Dmitri wraps his arms around me, crushing me to his chest. “Your experiences don’t define who you are, kotenok, remember that.”
He lets me cry against him for ages and slides me up into his arms and carries me back to where the car was parked. He doesn’t pressure me for more information. He accepts what I told him. It makes me wonder what kind of pain Dmitri had experienced too. I know that there is still so much I don’t know about him. I plan on changing that very soon.
***
Dmitri had driven us back to the clubhouse and walked me back to my room, his hand still lingering around my hip. Neither of us moved, we stayed the way we were until I turned to face him. “Thank you for tonight.”
“It was nothing.” He shrugs his shoulders.
I take his hand in mine, giving it a squeeze as I speak. “Dmitri, it wasn’t nothing, and you know that.” He nods, accepting that I am telling him I appreciate his affection.
“Mmm. Yes. I know. Will you finally accept it now?” Dmitri places his hand against my face, gently rubbing my cheek with his thumb in slow, circular movements.
“Accept what?”
“Kotenok, I want you. I want you to stop fighting with me and just accept that you’re mine. Everyone else has, they know you belong to me. It’s about time you understand your place. It’s not behind me, little one. It’s next to me.”
I take a few moments to myself before I can even give him a response. Dmitri doesn’t know what he is saying. He doesn’t know what he’s asking for. “You don’t understand, I’m fucked up. You don’t want me.” He doesn’t know what I am – or even who I am. I know for a fact he doesn’t even understand what’s going on inside my fucked-up head.
“You’re right. I don’t want you. I need you. I have told you this before, Jenna, numerous times. Do you think I would be here tonight if I didn’t? You’re my girl.” He growls it out before he pushes me back against the wall. He mutters one last thing to me before he envelopes my lips in his. “I’m just as fucked up as you are. I will tell you as many times as I need to. Let us thrive in the darkness together, will you?”
The moment his lips meet mine, I am done for. I’ve never felt so instantly fired up from a man before. Sure, I know how chemistry works, but what I’m feeling right now with Dmitri is something else entirely.
I mold my body against him, wrapping my free hands around his neck.
He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth, making it swell as I purr into his hot mouth. His hand slips up my back, making me shiver as his fingers tickle at my spine. I arch my back in response, pressing even harder against him. I want to feel like one with this man who has found it in him to want someone like me. I don't care if it’s because he’s dark too and doesn’t think he deserves anything else, I am going to accept this pedestal he has me on until I fall the thousand feet off it.
I tug off his shirt and then his pants before returning to this passionate kiss that has turned into more like we are breathing through each other’s bodies, needing each other for air. It is such a great metaphor for what we are because, like he said, he needs me, and I need him. We are too dark with too many secrets for anyone else to love us.
Dmitri presses his hardness up against my thigh, and I can feel how wet I am getting for him, but something feels so different about this time. I don't just want him to stick it in and go. I can’t put my finger on it, but I don't think anything will feel the same after we go through with this, even though I have fucked so many men so many times. And yet, I am not afraid like I should be.
Dmitri grunts at me as he begins to strip my clothes off, so he can admire my body. His fingers roam over me as I stay against that wall, afraid to move because, then, he will stop. I want him to find every spot on my body that feels good, that hurts. Then suddenly, he picks me up, but it is more gentle than usual, and we end up in the bed, his arms around me before he looks down on me. There is more than lust there, and I feel vulnerable when my eyes meet his. I feel like he is looking at my soul, all of it, the Jenna part and the Tegan part.
He slides his body over mine, and I arch my back as he begins to push his way inside me, making sure I feel each inch of him as he fills me up. The rest is a blur of sighs and kisses as I let him have control, I let him have me in a way I never let anyone have me.
Tonight, wasn’t about sex, it was about us.
Chapter 19
There is a spot in my heart that will never belong to anyone else but you.
- Anonymous
Jenna
I woke up the next morning with Dmitri in my bed. We kissed and slept, his arm draped around my body, keeping me close to him. He gave me all the things that I wanted, the closeness, the affection, and I most certainly feel loved, even though that this isn’t love – Who am I kidding? This could be love.
He’s the one thing I’ve tried to stay away from all these years. The one thing that could be my undoing, the only thing that could fuck up my entire plan. Love. He is love. And love could take away my revenge. I knew what was at stake, and I didn’t care. Instead, I snuggled closer into his body, and he groaned but smiled.
“I know you’re awake,” I mumble finally, his grip tighte
ning back around me.
“Go back to sleep.” I slide his arm a little lower, on my ass.
“Or, we could do other things,” I offered slyly.
“I told you that you’d ask me for it,” he tells me.
“I’m not asking, I’m just suggesting,” I counter.
“Suggesting?” He opens his eyes, looking directly into mine.
“Mhm, suggesting,” I reply, running my finger over his chest, going in small circles lower and lower.
“What exactly are you suggesting?”
“Hmm, well there’s a few choices.” I bring my hand dangerously low to the lining of his boxers. “We could have really hot shower sex, we could have sex here in my bed, maybe I’d ride you, or you could shove me up against the wall and take me however you wanted, you know, to name a few.” I wink at him.
“I’m not fucking you.”
“Whyyyyy,” I groan. He yanks me on top of him, bringing my face down to his.
“Patience. You’ll get what you want.” He kisses me slowly, palming my ass. I am dripping wet for him, can feel his erection against me, and he doesn’t want to fuck. I wiggle my ass against him, and he bites down on my lip hard, bringing me back for a kiss so ferocious I don’t want to wait to have him inside of me.
“Dmitri,” I moan as he slides out from underneath me, leaving me on the bed by myself.
“Take your panties off,” He orders me, so I slide them and throw them on the other side of the room. He walks back and forth, assessing me.
“Now your shirt.” I slide it off slowly and seductively, tossing it where the panties went. “Lay on your back.”
I do as he says, laying down on my back. He walks towards the bed, dragging my feet down so they are hanging off. He kneels, my breath hitching in my throat when I feel his lips on my thighs. “I’ve wanted to do this since I tasted your lips, I wondered what your other lips tasted like.” He trails kisses up my thighs, his fingers spreading my lips open for him. “So wet, so, so wet.”
“Mhm,” I moan. He enters two fingers inside me, pumping into my heat. He combines that with his lips sucking on my clit. I am embarrassed by how fast I come, he just knows what the fuck he’s doing. As soon as the first orgasm ends, I am nearing my second, and he laps like a kitten at milk.