thought, both by Mr. Bayley and myself, thatotherwise it could not possibly be done without discovery, or at leastgreat danger thereof. Oh, mine own dear Constance, when I returned bythe same way I had gone, lightened of a burthen so many years endured,cheered by the thought of a reconcilement so long desired,strengthened and raised, leasts ways for a while, above all worldlyfears, darkness appeared light, rough paths smooth; the moon, shiningthrough the chinks of the secret passage, which I thought had shedbefore a ghastly light on the uneven walls, now seemed to yield a mildand pleasant brightness, like unto that of God's grace in a heart atpeace. And this exceeding contentment and steadfastness of spirit havenot--praise him for it--since left me; albeit I have much cause forapprehension in more ways than one; for what in these days is sosecret it becometh not known? But whatever now shall befal me--publicdangers or private sorrows--my feet do rest on a rock, not onthe shifting sands of human thinkings, and I am not afraid of what mancan do unto me. Yea, Philip's displeasure I can now endure, which ofall things in the world I have heretofore most apprehended."
The infinite contentment this letter gave me distracted me somewhatfrom the anxious thoughts that filled my mind at the time it reachedme, which was soon after Hubert's visit. A few days afterward LadyArundel wrote again:
"My lord has been here, but stayed only a brief time. I found him veryaffectionate in his behavior, but his spirits so much depressed that Ifeared something had disordered him. Conversation seemed a burthen tohim, and he often shut himself up in his own chamber or walked intothe park with only his dog. When I spoke to him he would smile withmuch kindness, uttering such words as 'sweet wife,' or 'dearest Nan,'and then fall to musing again, as if his mind had been too oppressedwith thinking to allow of speech. The day before he left I was sortingflowers at one end of the gallery in a place which the wall projectingdoth partly conceal. I saw him come from the hall up the stairs intoit, and walk to and fro in an agitated manner, his countenance verymuch troubled, and his gestures like unto those of a person in greatperplexity of mind. I did not dare so much as to stir from where Istood, but watched him for a long space of time with incredibleanxiety. Sometimes he stopped and raised his hand to his forehead.Another while he went to the window and looked intently, now at thetower and the valley beyond it, now up to the sky, on which the lastrays of the setting sun were throwing a deep red hue, as if the worldhad been on fire. Then turning back, he joined his hands together andanon sundered them again, pacing up and down the while more rapidlythan before, as if an inward conflict urged this unwitting speed. Atlast I saw him stand still, lift up his hands and eyes to heaven, andmove his lips as if in prayer. What passed in his mind then, God onlyknowcth. He is the most reluctant person in the world to disclose histhoughts.
"When an hour afterward we met in the library his spirits seemedsomewhat improved. He spoke of his dear sister Meg with muchaffection, and asked me if I had heard from Bess. Lord William, hesaid, was the best brother a man ever had; and that it should like himwell to spend his life in any corner of the world God should appointfor him, so that he had to keep him company Will and Meg and his dearNan, 'which I have so long ill-treated,' he added, 'that as long as Ilive I shall not cease to repent of it; and God he knoweth I deservenot so good a wife;' with many other like speeches which I wish hewould not use, for it grieveth me he should disquiet himself for whatis past, when his present kindness doth so amply recompense formerneglect. Mine own Constance, I pray you keep your courage alive inyour afflictions. There be no lane so long but it hath a turning, theproverb saith. My sorrows seemed at one time without an issue. Nowlight breaketh through the yet darksome clouds which do environ us. Sowill it be with thee. Burn this letter, seeing it doth contain whatmay endanger the lives of more persons than one.--Thy loving, faithfulfriend, "ANN, ARUNDEL AND SURREY."
A more agitated letter followed this one, written at different times,and detained for some days for lack of a safe messenger to convey it.
"What I much fear," so it began, "is the displeasure of my lord whenhe comes to know of my reconcilement, for it cannot, I think, be longconcealed from him. This my fear, dear Constance, hath been muchincreased by the coming down from London of one of his chaplains, whoaffirms he was sent on purpose by the earl to read prayers and topreach to me and my family; and on last Sunday he came into thegreat chamber of the castle, expecting and desiring to know mypleasure therein. I thought best for to send for him to my chamber,and I desired him not to trouble himself nor me in that matter, for Iwould satisfy the earl therein. But oh, albeit I spoke verycomposedly, my apprehensions are very great. For see, my dear friend,Philip hath been but lately reconciled to me, and his fortunes are ina very desperate condition, so that he may think I have given the lastblow to them by this act, which his enemies will surely brave at.Think not I do repent of it. God knoweth I should as soon repent of mybaptism as of my return to his true Church; but though the spirit issteadfast, the flesh is weak, and the heart also. What will he say tome when he cometh? He did once repulse me, but hath never upbraidedme. How shall I bear new frowns after recent caresses?--peradventurean eternal parting after a late reunion? O Constance, pray for me. ButI remember I have no means for to send this letter. But God bepraised, I have now friends in heaven which I may adjure to pray forme who have at hand no earthly ones."
Four or live days later, her ladyship thus finished her letter:
"God is very merciful; oh, let his holy name be praised and magnifiedfor ever! Now the weight of a mountain is off my heart. Now I care notfor what man may do unto me. Phil has been here, and I promise thee,dear Constance, when his horse stopped at the castle-door, my heartalmost stopped its beating, so great was my apprehension of his anger.But, to my great joy and admiration, he kissed me very tenderly, anddid not speak the least word of the chaplain's errand. And when we didwalk out in the evening, and, mounting to the top of the keep, stoodthere looking on the fine trees and the sun sinking into the sea, mydear lord, who had been some time silent, turned to me and said, 'Meghas become Catholic.' Joy and surprise almost robbed me of my breath;for next to his reconcilement his sister's was what I most desired inthe world, and also I knew what a particular love he had ever shownfor her, as being his only sister, by reason whereof he would not seemto be displeased with her change, and consequently he could not inreason be much offended with myself for being what she was; so when hesaid, 'Meg has become Catholic,' I leant my face against his shoulder,and whispered, 'So hath Nan.' He spoke not nor moved for some minutes.Methinks he could have heard the beatings of my heart. I was comfortedthat, albeit he uttered not so much as one word, he made no motion forto withdraw himself from me, whose head still rested against hisbosom. Suddenly he threw his arms about me, and strained me to hisbreast. So tender an embrace I had never before had from him, and Ifelt his tears falling on my head. But speech there was none touchingmy change. Howsoever, before he left me I said to him 'My dear Phil,Holy Scripture doth advise those who enter into the service ofAlmighty God to prepare themselves for temptation. As soon as Iresolved to become Catholic, I did deeply imprint this in my mind; forthe times are such that I must expect to suffer for that cause.' 'Yea,dearest Nan,' he answered, with great kindness, 'I doubt not thou hasttaken the course which will save thy soul from the danger ofshipwreck, although it doth subject thy body to the peril ofmisfortune.' Then waxing bolder, I said, 'And thou, Phil--' and therestopped short, looking what I would speak. He seemed to struggle for awhile with some inward difficulty of speaking his mind, but at last hebegan, 'Nan, I will not become Catholic before I can resolve to liveas a Catholic, and I defer the former until I have an intent andresolute purpose to perform the latter. O Nan, when I think ofmy vile usage of thee, whom I should have so much loved and esteemedfor thy virtue and discretion; of my wholly neglecting, in a manner,my duty to the earl my grandfather, and my aunt Lady Lumley; of mywasting, by profuse expenses, of great sums of money in the followingof the courts, the estate which was left me, and a good quantity ofthine own lands als
o; but far more than all, my total forgetting of myduty to Almighty God--for, carried away with company, youthfulentertainments, pleasures, and delights, my mind being whollypossessed with them, I did scarce so much as think of God, or ofanything concerning religion or the salvation of my soul--I do feelmyself unworthy of pardon, and utterly to be contemned.'
"So much goodness, humility, and virtuous intent was apparent in thisspeech, and such comfortable hopes of future excellence, that I couldnot forbear from exclaiming, 'My dear Phil, I ween thou wilt be one ofthose who shall love God much, forasmuch as he will have forgiven theemuch.' And then I asked him how long it was since this change in histhinking, albeit not yet acted upon, had come to him? He said, it sohappened that he was present, the year