“Knock it off, Livingston. Instead of being cryptic with questions, just tell me what happened.”
I feel the spewage rise on my tongue, and I fly back again, spilling some Coke on my chest. I growl at the ceiling. “So, he stayed over, right? And it was romantic and sweet even though the situation was scary as hell, and so we’re hugging and stuff on the porch, and I totally go in for it. I swear, I thought he wanted me to, but then he stops me, but it’s not like a bad stop. He said he liked me—”
“And you said?”
Adam’s used to my babbles, so I’m grateful for the interruption. “I said I liked him, too.”
“And then you kissed?”
I sit up. “No. He said but.”
“Come again?”
“But. He said the word but.”
“He likes your butt?”
“No.” Well, I hope he likes my butt. I grab my toes and put my chin on my knees again. “He said, ‘I like you, but…’”
“But what?” Adam pushes the bridge of his glasses up his nose and taps the comforter by my feet.
“That’s the thing, I didn’t let him finish.”
He shakes his head, flicking my big toe. “Well, that’s your problem. You gotta find out the rest. Let the guy explain himself before you drive yourself nuts. Could be nothing.”
“Or it could be something.”
“Well, you don’t know because you didn’t let him finish.” He smiles and slides his chair back till it hits the desk. “So chill out and talk to him.”
“How do I even bring it up? I told him I wasn’t ready to hear it.”
He shrugs and grabs his pen. “I’m not the best with romantic advice. But I’d just be honest. Tell him you’re ready now.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“It’s not.” The pen goes crazy in his hand as he takes a big gulp of his own Coke before putting it back on the desk. “Last time I told a girl I liked her, she said the same thing.” His neck gets really red. “The ‘but’ was bad. At the time, I thought things couldn’t get worse. Then she drugs my best friend at a party.”
My eyes start filling up again. I thought we were done talking about that, done thinking about it… about her. Adam’s redness has moved up to his ears. He clears his throat and rubs his eyes under his glasses with one hand while the other is still trying to break a clicking record with the pen. “Sorry,” he says, but it comes out like he’s really trying to keep everything in when it wants to come rushing out.
I slide off the bed and kneel in front of him, setting my drink on the floor. I pull his hand from his eyes and chuck the pen across the room. This guy is like my big brother, always there, and always protects me. It sucks that the happy ending I pictured just weeks ago with him and Sydney is long gone. He deserves to be happy.
“Adam, I have something very important to tell you.”
He flicks his watery eyes to mine. After several breaths, I let out a large belch. He breaks, a few tears falling free, but at least he’s laughing. He drops to the floor next to me and pulls me in for a hug.
“Thank you.”
It’s his turn to burp, right in my ear. I shove him off, laughing and crying and hoping Adam and I get past losing one of our best friends.
Chapter 18
I can’t believe I said no.
There should be a time limit to how long someone can talk about their own wedding. Their voice just snaps off like they do on the Oscars. I try to use my facial expressions to tell Zoe, “Okay, you’re done now. I don’t care that you want your cake half blue, half red to represent some dark force versus Jedi force thing.” Then she goes on to tell me that their date is two years away. Two years! Why the heck is she talking so much about it?
Zak is typing up a list as Zoe chatters away. His tongue is sticking out the side of his mouth, and he’s nodding, fingers flying over his tablet.
“Can we put Levi in a red robe?” Zoe asks, and my semi-paying attention mind goes full-on undivided. “Even though he’s technically on the bride’s side, I think he’ll match the rest of the groomsmen if he’s wearing Sith colors.”
Zak nods, swiping across the screen. I slowly move from the kitchen to the dining room table where they’re making plans. I drink the V8 straight from the jug as I try not to look like I’m too interested because then I’ll get sucked into the boring parts of the wedding.
“Well, Ariana will need to be in blue, then.”
Zoe sucks in a breath and holds it in her cheeks, but she nods, turning her face away from her boyfriend. I mean fiancé. Yikes, that’ll take some getting used to.
“Um…” Zoe says after pushing the air out, “did you find those light saber cufflinks?”
Way to swing the subject off Zak’s female best bud. I totally don’t get the jealousy thing because Levi is her best friend outside of Zak. And besides, those two are so incredibly perfect together, reading boring crap under blankets and looking at pictures of scaly dragons and thinking they are totally awesome. That and they look so dang cute together in their matching nerd shirts and planning their Star Wars wedding, the only jealousy that should be going around is my own, because I want something like that with Levi.
But I know next to nothing about music, or movie scores, or even debating… all of which are the things he’s into. Bah.
Zak stops typing and leans back in his chair, his plaid over-shirt opening up a little to show off his “Nerds are the New Sexy” tee. “Yeah, I found them, but they’re ridiculously expensive.”
Zoe sighs and reaches under the table to grab his hand… or knee—gosh, at least I hope it’s one of those things. “This whole thing is going to be ridiculously expensive.” Her teeth dig into her bottom lip, and Zak slides his chair so he’s hip to hip with my sis.
“You know this is for you. I don’t care if we get married in a box, or in a barn full of manure, or in the middle of a donut shop.” He pulls her hand up and fingers the Star Trek ring, then kisses it. “I just want to be with you forever, ‘kay? Doesn’t matter to me how that happens, as long as it happens.” He pauses as Zoe swoons all over herself, and I really can’t blame her. I wonder if they even know I’m sitting two feet away. “And as long as that honeymoon happens, too, I’ll be a happy guy.”
She pulls her hand from his to smack his shoulder, then they both do accurate impressions of my pig snort. I can tell they’re going to kiss soon, so I shoot from the table, leaving my opened V8, and go upstairs to give them privacy. It’s almost bedtime anyway.
I pull off my skirt I made from some of Mom’s old totes and throw on my boxer shorts I wear to bed when it’s warm outside. I’m tempted to put on Levi’s band hoodie I stole (because he’s never getting it back) but I’ll boil, and no way am I ruining the Adidas scent with sleep sweat.
After brushing my teeth, peeing, and all that other before bed stuff, I flop onto my mattress and take out my contacts. The world gets impossible to see until I slide my glasses on, and it’s a little less blurry.
Zak and Zoe still haven’t gone to her room, or maybe they’re going to be at Zak’s tonight. All I can think is thank the heavens for that because I want to sleep and not hear the smoochy smoochy crap through the wall again. It’s making me jealous enough. My silent phone on my sheets hasn’t buzzed at all since I sent Levi a text earlier. I totally chickened out on the face-to-face thing, even though I had all week at school to do that. But I tried to keep a low profile after the party because of course the tease and prude comments got a million times worse. So, I finally just typed a message to Levi that said, “You can tell me the ‘but’ now. It’s driving me crazy!” And I’ve regretted being so honest, and I get more and more paranoid the longer my phone stays silent.
I press the screen on every few seconds, humming under my breath. Should I send him another message? Maybe he missed the first one. Or maybe I should leave him alone. Or maybe there isn’t a “but” anymore, so he has nothing to say. Or maybe I should just sleep and stop losing my mi
nd.
I turn off my lamp and type another message in the dark, because I can’t help myself.
Sierra: Zoe’s gonna make u wear a robe with cufflinks @ her wedding. My advice ... get out of that friendship now b4 people take ur picture in that! ;)
Light, and also very true. I laugh just thinking about what we’re going to be forced to wear at this thing, if they manage to get all the money for it. Maybe that’s why they’re pushing the date out instead of jumping on a bus to the first Justice of the Peace. I thought it was because of their ages, because seriously, they’re nineteen! But my parents got married that young and they’re cute together. And I just don’t see Zak and Zoe being apart after all the crap they went through in high school.
My phone vibrates, and it scares me so bad it flies from my hand and crashes to the floor. I’m so glad Dad splurged for a heavy duty case. I fling my body across the bed and read the text hanging off the edge.
Levi: LOL! Good advice, but I think I could pull off that look. Watch out world, robes and cufflinks will be the new thing.
How is it possible that without even saying anything romantic, all my insides have a party just off this? My smile is so big it’s in danger of becoming part of my earlobes.
Sierra: Darn, I’ll have to ask 4 cufflinks on mine now. I’m jealous!
Levi: I’ll share. U can have the right one, I’ll take the left.
Sierra: Only if they look good with my light saber earrings.
Levi: U get earrings?? No fair. There’s no way I’m doing this wedding w/o earrings.
Sierra: I’ll put it on the list of other awesome things we’ll have 2 do.
Levi: U better. I also want a real light saber, and my own cake 2 cut.
Sierra: U got it.
Levi: Hey, my break’s over, so I gotta run. Promise we’ll talk later,‘kay?
Is he promising, or is he asking me to promise? Uh…
Sierra: Ok :)
That should work for either. I put the cork on the champagne bottles that were opened somewhere in my chest during that conversation and pull my sheets up over my shoulders. Will I ever sleep again?
***
I can’t sleep. My body is exhausted. My lids won’t stay open, and my arms and legs won’t move, but my mind… my mind won’t shut up!
I growl and put on my glasses, rereading for the one hundred and eightieth time the short conversation I just had with Levi. Before it made me smile, but now I’m analyzing every dumb thing. Maybe somewhere in our sarcasm there was a hint of why he likes me “but.” And why the heck did he respond to this text and ignore the other one altogether?
It’s two o’clock, and I stare at that number on my phone, hoping my brain will go, “Oh, it’s sleepy time now.” But that doesn’t work. So I flip through my pictures, tempted to delete every one with Sydney in them, but I don’t have the guts to remove them from my life forever.
I hear buzzing. It’s faint and sounds like Levi’s moped. My eyes shoot to my window, which is closed, and I shake my head. I’m seriously sleep deprived and dreaming Levi’s driving down my street. He does that at four. Not two.
I hear buzzing again. Feel it, too, in my palm. The party gets started again in my chest when I see Levi’s name.
Levi: R U awake?
I’ve never been so happy that I haven’t been able to sleep.
Sierra: Yup.
I sit up, knees bouncing as I wait for his reply.
Levi: Will u look out ur window?
Of course I have to be in my holey pajamas with my glasses on, but I’m too antsy to change. I cross my arms over my chest, and peer out at Levi’s yumminess on his moped. He jerks his head, offering up a half-smile that turns my insides into confetti cannons. This good boy wants me to sneak out? I give him a one minute finger, and when I’m out of sight from the window, I fist pump the air and do a little jig. My holey shirt is off and replaced with his hoodie, and forget my hair. Messy bun will have to do. And same with just a dab of lip gloss because my feet can’t get to the door fast enough.
Every creak makes me wince as I cross the hall and tiptoe on the steps. What if he’s here to kiss me? He sure looked happy. Kissing makes people happy, right?
Oh my gosh, my breath! How did I not think of that? Quick, think of an alternative to toothpaste! I’ve already made it this far… I’m not turning back.
There’s nothing in the junk drawer, but the TicTacs we usually keep in there are too loud anyway. And gum I’d have to spit out over his shoulder or something while we’re driving to who knows where, and totally embarrassing if it lands on him! Okay… something that will make my breath not smell like I’ve been in bed. Anything!
I open our medicine cabinet, desperate to find mints, but the only thing I find are cough drops. Those are like mints, right? Oh hell with it.
Quiet as I can, I take one from the bag, blowing my cheeks up as the stupid thing makes so much noise you’d think I was stomping on candy wrappers. And even though it’s super gross, I chomp right through that cherry cough drop, then dive for the sink to spit out anything I can’t manage to swallow. I risk the sound of running water waking someone up as I rinse my mouth, and I make a promise here and now to keep mints anywhere and everywhere in this house.
My cheeks puff up with air again as I turn the knob on my front door. Everything is still quiet, even though I feel like I just caused a tornado of noise. When I click the door behind me, all the air blows from my cheeks, and I squeak a small victorious, “Yay!”
Levi’s still waiting in this super sexy patient way, one foot on the road and the other on his scooter. He gives me a full blown delectable smile before sliding his helmet on and waving me over.
My flip flops fill with dew from the grass as I run across it. I’m about to hop on the back of his cute moped and go riding at… gosh, what time was it? Oh, it doesn’t matter. It’s late at night, and he’s picking me up to go cruising. Totally amazing already, and we haven’t even left yet.
“Hey,” he says, handing me an extra helmet.
“Hey.”
“You don’t mind going for a ride?”
Hell no!
“Where are we going?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know yet. But I want you to come with me.”
I want to fist pump the air and dance again, but I totally keep my cool. I settle the helmet over my mess of hair and click it shut with the same bravado as if I were dancing on a pole in front of him. I can be sexy in a hoodie and boxer shorts.
Except he laughs at me! So much for being a sex kitten.
“Nice hoodie.”
Oh right… “Yeah, I kinda, well…”
“Borrowed it?” He’s still smiling. “That’s okay. Looks better on you than it ever did on me.”
He helps me slide onto the back of his moped, and gosh, do I love having his body between my legs. I slam my torso against him, my cheek smooshed on his upper back, and that’s when I realize I still have my glasses on. How totally embarrassing! No wonder he was laughing at me trying to be all cute and seductive with these monstrosities.
It’s not a cold night, (score!) and it actually feels pretty good to hold onto him as he takes me through my neighborhood and then out to the main roads. Who says mopeds aren’t as sexy as motorcycles? Because seriously, with the way his butt sits and how I can be airtight against him, I say it’s pretty much the sexiest thing ever.
I think God has a way of speeding time up when you’re in Heaven on Earth, because He doesn’t want you to get too comfortable there. Levi turns into an alleyway and shuts off his buzzing engine after what seems like two seconds after we leave my house. Not exactly the romantic place I was expecting. Kind of creepy to be honest. A chill zaps up my spine.
He inches his helmet off and shakes out his hair, taking in a breath through his nostrils, but other than that, he’s totally quiet. Maybe he didn’t show up in the middle of the night to whisk me away into make out bliss. I ease my hold on him, sliding up the seat so we’r
e not touching anymore. I’m so pathetic to think he all of a sudden wants more with insignificant me. There’s still that hanging “but” in the air.
I pull my helmet off too and set it behind me. He’s playing with the handlebars and still not saying a word. Did he forget I was here?
“You all right?”
Nothing. Hmm… maybe he fell asleep with his eyes open.
“Um…” I poke his shoulder. “Levi?”
He sucks in a breath, and I can tell by the tension in his shoulders, he’s holding it in. Okay, something is totally wrong. Beyond me and him and the “I like you, you like me” stuff. My heart starts to thump in my ears. I wish there was something I could do to pull that stress out of him.
His head swivels so he’s finally looking at me, his blue eyes almost completely covered by his eyelids. He looks in pain. Like physical pain. I quickly do an inventory of his limbs to make sure he’s not missing any.
“Will you come here?” he asks, taking my wrist and guiding me—omigosh—on his lap. He slides back to make room for me, but now I’m like, straddling him. Legs over legs, one of his arms holding me steady, the other coming up and cupping my neck. I rest my hands on his waist, not sure where to put them because, holy crap, what is going on? I like it, whatever it is, but he still looks like someone’s twisting a knife in his gut.
“Levi, you’re kind of scaring me.”
He gives me this weird smile thingy, only half his mouth twitching up at the corner. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to scare you.”
“Then what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
He shakes his head, keeping his eyes locked on mine. My lips part slightly as I wait for him to spill. But he doesn’t. He drops his gaze to my mouth, and my breathing picks up.