“Billy had it last,” Mom said. “Did you bring it?” Before I could stop her, she grabbed my purse and found the lock opener under my candy bar. “Ron, create a distraction. I’ll steal the monkey.”
“Wait!” I said.
But Ron and Tanya Crook don’t wait. Mom slipped through a back gate marked KEEP OUT. Dad marched over to Sally Mander.
“Ma’am, please clear the area around the Monkey House for a few minutes while I fix the walkway,” Dad said. “I need to keep everyone safe.”
“Certainly!” Sally Mander said, leading Mrs. Sippy and me away.
A few seconds later, Jillian got a text on her cell phone from Dad to meet at the corner of Lincoln and Webster.
“Maybe the lock opener didn’t work,” Jillian whispered. “And Mom didn’t steal a monkey.”
“Yeah,” I said. But we both knew that was a long shot. Jillian is a genius. Her gadgets always work.
We speed-walked as fast as our granny legs could go. Our parents were waiting in our white van … and they didn’t look happy. Maybe the famous Crooks hadn’t gotten the monkey after all!
We got in, and Dad drove off.
“Your lock popper didn’t work, Jillian,” Mom said.
Jillian and I traded a secret happy smile.
Then Mom lifted up a sack. “Just kidding! Meet the newest member of the Crook family!”
Razzle hopped out.
“Eeeeh ee e?” he screeched, and scratched his head. Then he started going bananas.
Yep. That’s what really happened. When most families go to the zoo, they come home with happy memories. When the Crook family goes, we come home with a wild animal.
Monkey Breath
After a few minutes of oo ooing and ee eeing, Razzle the monkey calmed down. He hopped on Mom’s shoulder and looked over the front seat at Jillian and me.
“Eeeeh ee e?” he asked.
It’s as if he was asking us to fix his problem.
“Mom,” I said, “maybe we should take the monkey back.”
She laughed. “Why?”
“How can we hide a monkey? The cops will find him,” I said.
“We’re good at hiding things, Billy,” Dad said. “We’ve kept you hi—”
Mom jumped in. “We’ll get him a disguise.”
“But he has a sister named Dazzle,” Jillian added. “They’ll miss each other.”
Mom gave her a strange look. “Since when do we care about stuff like that? He’ll love living with us!”
“Oooh ooh eeeh!” Dad started making monkey noises, and Razzle looked at him like he was nuts.
Jillian took off her glasses and wig, and her pigtails popped out.
Razzle’s round black eyes almost jumped out of his small face. “Hoo eeh ooo?” He rubbed his face and scratched his head. Then he hopped onto Jillian’s lap and pulled her hair.
“Ouch!” Jillian said.
“Ooch!” Razzle screeched.
“Hey, be nice!” I said, pulling off my glasses and wig.
The monkey jumped on my shoulder and stuck his finger up my right nostril.
“Yuck!” I pushed his hairy arm away.
He leaned over and breathed in my face. If you’ve never smelled monkey breath, you’re lucky. This guy’s breath could kill a cow.
“Mom,” I said, “this monkey is a maniac! You have to take him back.”
“No way, Billy. We’re just getting started,” Mom said. “Ron, pull into that shopping mall parking lot.”
Jillian and I traded glances.
Dad pulled into the lot.
“I’m going to get a disguise for the monkey.” Mom took a handful of fake one-hundred-dollar bills from the glove compartment, fixed her beard in the mirror, and got out. “I’ll hurry. Keep the monkey happy!”
Mom was gone exactly eleven minutes. And if you think eleven minutes is short, try spending it in a locked car with a mad crazy monkey.
Here’s what a monkey will do in eleven minutes:
1. Stick his finger up your right nostril.
2. Lick your eyebrow.
3. Jump on your head.
4. Jump on your sister’s head.
5. Throw your dad’s hat out the window.
6. Make your dad’s bald head even shinier by licking it seven times.
7. Pick his teeth and then wipe his fingers on your shirt.
8. Sing along with the radio. Very badly. In your ear.
9. Sneeze. In your face. Twice.
10. Repeat all of the above.
Dad thought it was hilarious.
Mom finally came back, pushing a baby stroller with a big bag on top of it. She grabbed the bag and hopped in. “Every Crook needs a costume.” She dressed the monkey in pink baby pajamas and tied on a pink baby bonnet. “Baby Razzle Crook. Isn’t she cute?”
“It’s a he,” I said.
“Ee!” said Razzle.
“Shhh.” Dad turned up the radio. “Listen.”
The news was on. “Breaking news: a monkey is missing from the zoo. While hundreds of volunteers were starting to fix up the zoo’s gardens, a monkey named Razzle went missing. The zoo is closing, and police are looking for clues. Here is zoo director Sally Mander.”
“We are so sad,” the director said. “Our monkey is gone. And what’s more, now our gardening won’t get done. We have to send home all these nice people who are here to help.”
“Ha!” Dad slapped his hands on the steering wheel. “We got the monkey and we stopped their cleanup day!”
Mom turned around and scooped up the monkey in her arms. “What do you say, Razzle? Want to become a Crook like us?”
“Eh eeh!” Razzle screeched.
I felt horrible. I had gone to the zoo to help, but now because of my family, the zoo was in worse shape than before.
“Billy and Jillian, put on your glasses and wigs,” Mom said. “You’re going to pretend to be two grandmas taking the kid to the mall. We’ll be right ahead of you, showing the fine art of picking pockets.”
“Hot diggety!” Dad said, and hopped out.
“Go to Grandma,” Mom said to Razzle.
Razzle grinned, leaped out of Mom’s arms, and hopped right on my head.
Grandma Goes Bananas
“Watch us, Razzle,” Mom said. “Do what we do.”
Mom and Dad started walking toward the mall, acting like construction workers on a break. Dad glanced back.
Jillian got out, put Razzle in the stroller, and tucked a blanket around him. I put on my wig and started pushing the stroller.
“This is a terrible idea,” Jillian said. “Mom and Dad don’t know how to take care of a monkey.”
“I know,” I whispered back. “I always wanted a pet. But I was thinking more like a hamster.”
We kept walking. Luckily, the stroller ride kept Razzle quiet.
“You know what I’ve been thinking?” Jillian whispered.
“What?”
She leaned toward me. “We are not a normal family.”
Another case of major goose bumps! I’d been thinking the same thing.
She whispered, “When I was younger, I didn’t know any better. I thought that every family was like ours. But lately I’ve been thinking we’re strange. I think most moms and dads want their kids to be good.”
“I’ve been wondering about that, too,” I whispered back. “But I figured I was all alone. Ever since we moved here, you’ve been going out and stealing every day. Mom and Dad have been thrilled.”
“I haven’t been stealing,” Jillian said.
“But you come home with something every day! A toaster, a watch, a bracelet …”
“I didn’t steal any of those things. I snuck them out of the stash in our basement and acted as if they were new. We have so much stolen stuff, Mom and Dad can’t even keep track of it.”
I was shocked. “So where have you been going?”
“I’ve been going to the library, dressed like this. I’ve been helping older people learn ho
w to use the computer. I’ve been doing good deeds.”
I stopped pushing the stroller.
She smiled and shrugged. “It feels great, Billy. I think Mom and Dad might be wrong. I think doing good might be good after all.”
“We’re both nuts!” I said.
“Actually, I think we’re normal and our parents are nuts,” she said. “But right now we’ve got a monkey problem.”
“Maybe Razzle will be a bad thief,” I said. “Then Mom and Dad won’t want to keep him.”
Mom looked back at us, so we started walking again.
Just inside the front entrance of the mall was a food court, and it was jammed. Mom got in line at Salads by Suzy, and Dad got in line at Pizza Palace. We joined the line at Tootie Frootie Smoothies, which was in between them.
“Oh, no,” I whispered. “This is terrible.”
“What?” Jillian whispered.
“There is no Beggin’ fer Burgers in this mall!”
Jillian hit me with her purse.
Mom caught Razzle’s attention by waving at him. I knew what was coming next. She was going to pick somebody’s pocket.
Quickly, I crouched down by the stroller. “Do this, Razzle!” I stuck a finger up my nose.
A woman passing by looked at me like I was nuts.
Razzle kept his round eyes on Mom. She pulled a man’s wallet out of his back pocket and slipped it into her own.
What Razzle did next was amazing. He reached into the pocket of the man standing in front of us and pulled out his wallet without even getting out of the stroller. Monkeys have long arms.
Then Razzle’s hairy hand reached into the purse of the woman in front of us. He slipped the woman’s wallet right out of her purse without the woman even feeling it.
Just our luck. We got ourselves a pocket-picking genius.
Dad grinned. Mom motioned for us to take Razzle back to the car.
Just then Razzle noticed all the fruit on the counter of the Tootie Frootie Smoothies booth. I always thought cheetahs were the fastest animals in the world, but this crazy little dude was faster. Before Jillian or I could blink, he ran to the booth, hopped up on the counter, grabbed a bunch of bananas, ran back, and jumped right into my arms.
“Hey!” the Tootie Frootie Smoothies guy yelled. “That baby stole my bananas!”
Everybody turned to look at me. Razzle buried his face in my shoulder, so all they could see was his bonnet and his pink onesie.
“What a horrible baby,” a woman near me whispered.
“What a horrible grandmother,” her friend whispered back. “I saw her trying to teach that baby how to pick her nose, too.”
I looked at Jillian for help. She took a step away from me and said in her Mrs. Sippy voice, “I’d never let my grandchild steal fruit.”
Thanks a lot, Jillian.
I walked over to the Tootie Frootie Smoothies guy, gave the bananas back, and headed out to the parking lot.
Jillian, Mom, and Dad joined me by the car a few minutes later. Mom and Dad were all smiles.
“Woohoo!” Dad said. “Razzle is a great Crook!”
“I love you, you crazy monkey!” Mom said, and gave the top of his baby bonnet a big kiss.
I looked down at Razzle. He smiled up at me, chocolate on his teeth and a candy bar wrapper in his hand.
“Hey!” I checked my purse. Sure enough, it was mine. “Gimme back my candy!” I said.
He stuck his finger in his mouth, wiped some chocolate off his teeth, and held it out for me to lick.
“Thanks, but no thanks,” I said to the little monster. “I like my chocolate without the added flavor of monkey spit.”
Try Our New Ketchup Shampoo
Dinner. With a monkey. Not as fun as you’d think.
Here’s what a monkey will do if you invite him over for dinner:
1. Throw pickles at the wall.
2. Sit his hairy bottom on the butter.
3. Squeeze your cheeks together while you’re trying to eat.
4. Stick French fries in your socks.
5. Pour coffee on your hamburger.
6. Shampoo your sister’s pigtails. With ketchup.
There was one thing that was good about dinner. It was nice to be back in jeans and a T-shirt. No wonder old ladies are sometimes crabby. Try wearing a dress and stockings all day, dude.
“Do you still think keeping the monkey is a good idea?” Jillian asked Mom and Dad as she wiped the ketchup off her hair.
“He is a total nut-cup,” I chimed in. “Maybe it’s because he wants to be back with his family.”
“Nonsense,” Mom said. “He’s happy here.”
“I have a great idea,” Dad said. “Let’s take Curious George to the grocery store and steal some dessert.”
“Love it!” Mom said. “Want to come, kids?”
“Well,” Jillian said, “Billy should practice his lock picking.”
“Hey!” I said. “Who made you boss?”
Jillian kicked me under the table.
I was about to say ouch when I realized that she had a plan. “Yeah. I guess I do need practice,” I said.
“I’ll stay home and make sure he does it right,” Jillian said.
Mom and Dad smiled at each other proudly.
As soon as they were gone, Jillian started pacing. “We have to get that monkey back without Mom and Dad finding out. I think they’ve been spying on us, so we have to be extra careful.”
“Why would they spy on us?”
“To make sure we’re doing what they want us to do,” she said. “To make sure that we’re being crooks. If Mom and Dad catch on that we want to do good … well, I don’t think they’d like it.”
“So, what’ll we do?”
“I think I have an idea,” she said. “But I’m going to need your help.” Jillian’s pigtails looked like they’d been in a wrestling match, and she had ketchup on her forehead.
“I’m in,” I said. “I just have one question.”
“What’s that?”
I pointed to her forehead. “Want some fries with that?”
Got Any Earwax?
“Helloooo!” Dad called out. “We have cookies and cake!”
Jillian and I had planned everything. “Remember, Billy,” she said. “We need to act like we’re tired and pretend to go to bed! Once you hear Mom and Dad go into their room, get ready.”
As soon as we went into the kitchen, Razzle jumped off the kitchen table straight into my arms. If you think that sounds cute, that’s because you’ve never had a stinking hair ball fly at your face. It’s terrifying.
“We hit the bakery,” Mom said. She set out chocolate cookies and a white frosted cake. In blue icing, on the top, it said
Some mothers probably bake cakes for their kids. My mother steals them. I wondered if the Grandpa Nelson on the cake was the Mr. Nelson who lived next door.
While Mom poured soda and Dad opened the cookies, Razzle hopped onto the counter and grabbed a bunch of bananas. Then he jumped back into my arms.
“E eeeh oo ee eeeh,” he said, sticking the bananas in my face.
“Fine,” I said. “You can eat the whole bunch.”
He dangled the bananas in front of my face again. “E eeeh oo ee eeeh.”
He was trying to tell me something. I plugged my nose to block out his bad breath and looked into his round eyes. He looked so sad. I remembered the bananas on the platform in the Monkey House.
I think he was saying, I want to go home.
“E eeeh oo ee eeeh?” I asked.
“E eeeh oo ee eeeh!” His round eyes flashed with excitement. He really was cute. Then the cute little guy bonked me on the head with the bananas.
“Cake or cookies, Billy?” Dad asked.
“It all looks yummy,” I said.
Jillian elbowed me and yawned. “I’m too tired to eat, aren’t you?” she said.
“Me? Too tired to eat?”
She elbowed me again.
Oh—the plan.
“I’m too tired to eat, too.” I yawned.
Razzle yawned.
Good Razzle!
“Razzle looks tired, too,” Jillian said. “Didn’t you make a bed for him in your room?”
“Yes, I did,” I said. “I’ll take him up.”
“Oooh eeeah,” the monkey said.
“Good night, kids,” Mom and Dad said. “Good night, monkey.”
Jillian, Razzle, and I ran upstairs. I took Razzle into my room, and Jillian went into hers.
I set him down in the bed I made out of a laundry basket. “Don’t worry, Razzle. We’re going to take you back soon. Just pretend to sleep. Nighty night, Razzle. Go to sleepy!” To show him what I meant, I closed my eyes and snored.
Razzle flopped down on his bed and started to snore, too.
I’m telling you, dude, if this monkey went to Hollywood, he’d land a starring role right away.
I crawled into my bed and turned out the light.
All part of the plan.
I waited until I heard the door to Mom and Dad’s bedroom close.
“Come on, Razzle. We have to make it look like we’re here sleeping.” I put a pile of dirty clothes under my covers to look like my body. Next, I put a wig stuffed with a toilet-paper roll facedown on the pillow for my head. I created a fake body in Razzle’s bed and put a toilet-paper roll inside his baby bonnet for his head.
Next, I tucked my cell phone under my pillow, so if my parents were tracking my phone, they’d think I was still in bed. Brilliant idea. Not mine. Yep, you guessed it. Jillian’s idea.
“Come on, Razzle,” I whispered.
He hopped onto my back and stuck his fingers in my ears. I tiptoed into Jillian’s room, not making a sound. At least I didn’t hear myself making any sounds.
“Wome on, Wiwwy,” Jillian whispered. “Wet’s wake wis wonkey wo whe woo.”
“I can’t hear you,” I said.