‘Aah, Meg . . .’ His voice trails off and hearing him say my real name instead of Nutmeg makes the butterflies swarm around even more.
‘I suppose we’d better get the chocolate out before you fade away.’
‘And before it melts,’ I add.
He reaches for the plastic bag and delves inside. ‘What have you got for me?’ he asks.
‘Crisps. You’re a savoury boy, through and through. That’s why it could never have worked between us,’ I tease.
‘Oh, that’s why, is it?’ he asks, drily. ‘See, I disagree.’
‘Oh?’
‘Think about it,’ he says, lying back down on his side, food forgotten for a moment. ‘If we went to the movies, I’d have salt popcorn and you’d have sweet. You’d be able to have it all to yourself, none of this annoying nicking business.’
‘You’ve got a point,’ I reply with a grin. ‘But I like my popcorn mixed.’
‘Sweet and salted?’ He screws up his nose. ‘Your taste buds are sick and twisted, girl.’
‘I can’t disagree with you there,’ I reply jokily. ‘I have very bad taste. Terrible taste in men, too, as it turns out.’
‘Ouch.’ He nudges my arm and my heart flips.
Yep, again.
We’re still smiling at each other. Up this close I can see the freckles on his nose – the ones they airbrush out in magazine shoots. I could never understand why anyone would want to do that. They make him more . . . human, somehow.
‘Pass. Me. The chocolate,’ I say in a monotone voice. He grins and sits back up. He’s wearing a light-grey T-shirt with pink graphics on the front. The muscles on his arms flex as he moves, and at that very moment, I want nothing more than for him to hold me tight in his arms.
We will be leaving in two days . . .
I’ve found a place near Henley in Oxfordshire. We’re renting to begin with. There wasn’t enough time to push a sale through, and anyway, I didn’t want to rush into buying anything. It’s bigger than I wanted it to be, but both Johnny and Lena insisted it had to be of a certain size to accommodate the security staff. Plus, it needs its own garden with private access and you don’t get too many tiny cottages that meet those kinds of requirements.
‘Have you heard from Joseph?’ Johnny asks, out of the blue.
‘Yes, I have. It wasn’t him, Johnny. He didn’t leak it to the press.’
‘If you say so.’ Pause. ‘Are you seeing him again?’
‘I don’t think I’ll have time to before we leave.’
He looks down and then starts to pick at the grass between us. I can hear the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks below.
‘How’s Dana?’ I ask.
‘Fine.’
‘What’s she been up to this week?’
‘Recording.’
I’d almost forgotten she was allegedly the Next Big Thing in music. It makes me dislike her even more.
‘You must be missing her . . .’
Please say no, please say no . . .
He shrugs. Very non-committal.
‘When are you going to see her again?’ I press.
‘When you leave, I guess,’ he replies and it stings.
‘Is she the one?’ I find myself asking and holding my breath at the same time.
He glances at me. ‘I don’t know. But there’s something about her that I’d find hard to give up.’
I didn’t think it would hurt this much to hear him say that.
I sit up and put the rest of my chocolate bar back in the plastic bag. I don’t feel like eating anymore. ‘Do you think we should head back?’ I ask.
‘Guess so.’ He gets to his feet and holds his hand down. I feel resentful about taking it – now I don’t want him to touch me – but it seems wrong to shun his help. He pulls me to my feet and for a split second I want to forget everything he’s just said.
I want him to kiss me, and he knows it.
He cups my face with his hand and I feel dizzy.
I want to forget everything he’s just said . . . But I can’t.
I step away from him and reach down to pick up my jacket. ‘Come on,’ I say. ‘Let’s go.’
I sit behind him on the way home with my arms wrapped around his waist and I feel like this is the last time I’ll ever be close to him. He can’t see the tears in my eyes, or feel the deep aching sadness in my heart, but both are a clear indication to me that I need to get away from here. Fast.
Chapter 44
‘I’m so sad you’re leaving,’ Lena says to me on Friday evening, just before she leaves for the weekend. We won’t still be here on Monday when she arrives for work. ‘Are you really going to go?’
‘Yes,’ I nod. ‘We have to.’
‘But do you?’ she presses. ‘Do you really? I thought all this was just a smokescreen.’
‘A smokescreen?’ I’m confused.
She looks away, edgily.
‘What?’ I press.
She shrugs. ‘I thought maybe to get Dana out of the picture.’
I laugh sharply. ‘Dana’s going nowhere, and why you keep saying things like that is beyond me. It’s like you think Johnny and I are somehow, ooh, I don’t know, destined to be together.’ My tone is sarcastic and I expect her to smile, but she doesn’t. ‘Lena?’
‘I do think you’re meant to be together.’
‘Oh, stop it,’ I brush her off.
‘I do!’ she insists. ‘You’re good for him.’
I look at her seriously. ‘Well, he’s no good for me. You know that, don’t you.’ It’s not a question.
‘I thought he might’ve been,’ she says quietly. ‘It didn’t work out the way I thought it would.’
‘The way you thought it would,’ I repeat with a roll of my eyes.
‘The way I planned it,’ she adds quietly.
‘What?’ I glance at her.
‘If he hadn’t had that stupid party,’ she spits.
‘What are you talking about?’ I don’t know why I suddenly think of the car seats in Johnny’s supercars, but there they are: a picture in my mind. Then it hits me. She wanted me to drive Barney around in his cars . . . She wanted me to be spotted by the press . . .
‘You were the one who leaked the story,’ I whisper with horror.
She doesn’t deny it.
I cover my mouth with my hand. ‘How could you do such a thing?’
She looks deflated. ‘I thought it would work out differently,’ she reiterates, more dully this time.
I sit down and put my head in my hands.
‘Please don’t tell Johnny,’ she begs.
‘I can’t believe you did that.’
‘I’ll lose my job.’
I look up at her. ‘I know you will. How could you violate his privacy like that?’
‘I had good intentions.’ She sits down next to me.
‘Which were?’
She sighs. ‘I thought if it was all out in the open . . . I don’t know, that you and Johnny might get back together . . . I can’t stand Dana!’ she adds bitterly.
‘Oh, Lena.’ I look at her sadly. ‘How did you do it?’
‘Anonymously. I put the thought out there and the journalist pieced together the rest. Except he didn’t piece together the right facts.’
‘I can’t believe you expected him to.’
‘I was naive,’ she admits. ‘Oh, God, I’m going to lose my job. Katya will kill me.’
‘Katya will forgive you,’ I say. ‘And Johnny will too.’
‘You’re going to tell him?’
I stare at her. ‘I think you should. But I won’t.’
‘You won’t have to,’ he says from the doorway. ‘I can’t fucking believe it!’ he shouts at Lena. ‘I trusted you!’
She looks terrified.
‘Get out of here!’
‘Johnny,’ I interject.
‘GO!’ he shouts, his chest heaving.
I jump to my feet. ‘You’re being too rash! Think about it.’ I turn
to Lena. ‘Go home for the weekend. Johnny will be in touch.’
‘No, I fucking won’t,’ he says angrily.
‘Yes, you will,’ I reply firmly, putting my hand on his chest. He glances at me sharply. ‘Let her go home for the weekend. Talk about things on Monday.’
I feel his chest shudder under my touch as he takes a deep breath. He nods. Lena is out of there like a shot, murmuring sincere apologies and leaving the two of us standing alone in the office staring at each other.
‘I’ll make you a coffee.’ I take my hand off his chest. He follows me into the kitchen. Eddie has already left for the day. Johnny slumps down in a chair and stares ahead dejectedly. I know this will hit him hard. Lena has worked for him for over two years. That’s a long time in Johnny’s world.
I turn around and put his mug on the table. He gazes up at me. He looks broken.
‘It’ll be okay.’
‘Don’t go,’ he says quietly, reaching for my hand.
‘We can’t stay,’ I reply. ‘Not like this. We both need space.’
‘But I need you.’ I’m shocked to see his eyes glistening.
‘Don’t fire Lena,’ I implore. ‘Whatever she’s done. She’s good for you. She’s the best.’
‘No, you were the best.’
I squeeze his hand gently and let it go. ‘Do you think Davey will be okay taking us to the airport tomorrow, with all the fuss outside the gates?’
‘He’s not taking you,’ he replies in a monotone voice.
I give him a look because I assume he’s making a joke about not letting us leave.
‘You’re going by helicopter,’ he adds.
‘Helicopter?’ I ask with surprise. ‘Where’s it going to land?’
‘On the roof.’
‘You have a helicopter pad on your roof?’ How did I not know this?
‘No,’ he replies with a sigh. ‘But it’s flat. They’ve landed there before.’
I nod. ‘Fair enough.’
‘It’ll fly you to the airfield and from there the jet will take you to the UK.’ He stares straight ahead.
‘I meant to ask what you want me to do with all of Barney’s toys?’
‘Take them with you.’
‘We can’t take everything.’
‘Leave them here, then. He can play with them when he comes to visit.’
‘He will have grown out of them by then.’
He looks even more miserable and I wish I hadn’t said that.
‘I’ll have everything sent over,’ he says flatly.
‘You’d definitely better not fire Lena, then.’
He doesn’t smile so I nudge him. ‘Cheer up,’ I say. ‘It’ll all be okay.’ He doesn’t answer. ‘I’d better go and get on with the packing.’ I leave the room before I get upset.
I so wanted it all to work out. I wanted Barney to have a good relationship with his father – his real father. Instead he’s going to be like all the other children of celebrities out there – the ones whose parents didn’t stay together. He’ll see his dad on the telly and in the papers and he’ll know about him that way, along with everyone else. But he’ll never truly know him, in as much as you can know your own parents. Their relationship will only ever scratch the surface. Once again my heart aches for Christian and everything that he’s lost. Whenever things have got hard, I’ve missed Christian terribly. I know that I have to let him go before I can move on with my life. I never let Johnny go, and that’s why it was never one hundred per cent with Christian. Even if I hadn’t had Barney, Christian and I wouldn’t have lasted. I think I know that for certain.
My phone rings. It’s Kitty.
‘Hey there,’ I say into the receiver.
‘How’s it all going?’ she asks sympathetically.
‘It’s all a bit shit, to be honest,’ I reply with a teary laugh. I fill her in about Lena.
‘Unbelievable,’ she says when I’ve finished. ‘She seemed so professional and above board.’
‘I know. Don’t tell anyone,’ I add. If Johnny doesn’t keep Lena I don’t want her CPA career to be ruined by this getting around, but I know I can trust Kitty.
‘You know I won’t.’ Pause. ‘I have some news also,’ she says.
‘Really? What?’
‘I’ve handed in my resignation.’
‘No!’ I gasp. ‘Why?’ I’m shocked. ‘You’ve worked for Rod for years.’
‘Exactly. I’ve known him longer than several of his wives put together.’
I remember I joked about something similar when we went out to the premiere that night.
‘I hope it wasn’t anything I said.’ I feel guilty.
‘No, no,’ she brushes me off. ‘I’ve got to move on. I have no life, no boyfriend, and I’m not getting any younger.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘I’m taking a year out,’ she says excitedly. ‘I’ve saved quite a lot of money,’ and she’s right because she’s been living under Rod’s roof for years with no overheads, ‘so I’m going to go travelling,’ she explains.
I smile. ‘Good for you.’
‘Thanks. And you know I’m coming to stay with you in England.’
I laugh. ‘You’ll always be very welcome. I’m going to need my friends around me.’
When we’ve said our goodbyes I wonder if I should call Joseph. It was only a week ago, but that Halloween night seems like another lifetime. I haven’t been able to think about him for days – I’ve had too much else on my mind – but I owe it to him to say goodbye. I dial his number.
‘Mystic Meg,’ he says with a grin which I can’t see, but I know it’s there.
‘Hi,’ I reply with a sad smile.
‘You okay?’
‘As well as can be expected.’ Pause. ‘Barney and I are leaving on Sunday.’
‘Leaving?’
‘Flying back to the UK.’
‘Oh.’ He exhales loudly. ‘That’s sad.’
I feel teary again. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you.’
‘Me, too,’ he replies.
I feel compelled to talk about something a little less heavy. ‘Hey, you never did tell me the outcome of your audition?’
‘Aah,’ he says with a half-hearted laugh. ‘I got the part.’
‘Did you?’ I ask, unable to contain my excitement for him. ‘For the sci-fimovie?’
‘Yeah.’
‘No way? Is it a big part?’
‘Kind of,’ he replies, and I sense that he’s being modest. ‘It’s the male lead.’
‘That’s fantastic!’ I enthuse. ‘I know it’s going to work out for you.’
‘You too, Mystic Meg.’
Now that I know it was Lena who leaked the story, I feel sorry that I ever doubted him. Another place, another time, it might’ve been different. But I have no room for men in my life at the moment, and I sense that if I’d stayed, Joseph might not have had room for me in his. There was something in his eyes that night – I know he has issues of his own with an ex or exes, and it’s a tiny bit of an understatement to say that I do, too.
I’ve never been in a helicopter before. Neither has Bess, and even though we know one is coming for us, it’s still a bit of a shock when one of those persistent blowflies buzzes in and lands on Johnny’s roof. We’ve been so used to the sight and sound of them high up in the sky over the last week.
Most of our bags went to the airfield earlier, so now all that’s left is for us to say goodbye. Bess says hers first before climbing in and buckling herself up, then it’s just Johnny, Barney and me standing on the roof.
‘Well, this is it,’ I say, trying to sound breezy. I don’t want Barney to pick up on the sombre mood. He’s had enough of an upheaval recently and I feel terrible about it. I usher him towards Johnny.
‘Give Daddy a cuddle.’
Johnny looks at me quickly as he lifts him up.
‘What?’
‘You just called me Daddy.’
‘First time for ever
ything,’ I say flippantly. God knows how that just popped out.
‘Don’t make light of it,’ he commands.
I nod, silently.
‘Daddy will see you soon,’ he says seriously to Barney, hugging him tightly before putting him in the helicopter along with the sheepskin sheep that he’s clutching. He found it in my cupboard when we were hiding out in my room last weekend and he took quite a liking to it.
‘Can you entertain my boy while I say goodbye to his mother?’ he asks the pilot.
‘Sure.’
Johnny turns around to face me for the last time. ‘I told her not to throw it out,’ he says dully.
‘What?’
‘The sheep, the fucking sheepskin sheep,’ he snaps, pointing in at Barney.
So Johnny did ask Sandy to leave it in my wardrobe.
‘You’re a loser,’ I tease, wanting to make light of the situation so it doesn’t hurt so much.
He stares at me seriously. ‘I’m sorry I fucked everything up.’
‘Language,’ I chide.
He smiles and looks down.
I turn away from him and climb into the helicopter. The pilot lifts Barney into the back so I can strap him in between Bess and me.
‘Don’t forget me, buddy,’ Johnny says through the open door.
‘I hated it when Dana called him that,’ I admit.
‘I know,’ he replies.
He shuts the door, but he doesn’t take his eyes from us until we’re in the air and he’s a speck in the distance.
Chapter 45
‘Get this down ya.’ Susan hands me a cup of tea.
‘Another one?’ I ask.
‘Can never have too much tea,’ she replies. ‘Especially in times of crisis.’
I sigh. ‘I’m used to it now. It’s hardly a time of crisis.’
‘Near enough. The same goes for chocolate biscuits.’
She hands me a tin of posh ones that she brought with her.
‘You’re right,’ I say, opening up the tin and peering inside. ‘Times of crisis indeed.’
I choose one and hand back the tin. We smile at each other.
I never thought I’d say this, but Susan – formerly known as My Annoying Older Sister Susan – has been a gem since Barney and I returned to the UK. At first I turned down her offer of help, but she insisted on taking time off work to come to Henley and help me unpack and settle in. I thought she’d drive me around the bend, but she’s seriously surprised me. She’s been here every weekend since, offering tea and sympathy. And chocolate biscuits. I don’t know what I would have done without her.