I put the last dish in the rack, dried my hands and leaned against the counter. “Don’t think it’s a matter of getting past it, Dad. It’s a matter of being able to accept and deal with it and still live a somewhat normal life. But getting past it is never going to happen for any of us. Grady was too big a part of our lives.”
Chapter 9
Kenna
“Mom, I think I’ve discovered a new form of intoxication.”
Mom looked up from her stove as I sealed off the last box of brown sugar truffles.
“What’s that, Kenny?”
“I’m feeling lightheaded from vanilla and brown sugar fumes. Who knew you could get drunk on the stuff.”
“I don’t even notice it anymore.” She leaned down and adjusted the heat on the stove, before wiping her hands on her apron and joining me at the packing station. Our small breakfast nook had been transformed into a mail order warehouse, stacks of unfolded boxes and reels of silver and gold ribbon cluttered the buffet that at one time had held my mom’s prized china set. But she’d packed away her favorite place settings, including the ones with pine trees and reindeer that she only took out for Christmas Eve, and had Dad carry them all up to the attic. Even some of our family photos in the dining area had been replaced by a giant whiteboard that Dad had gridded with blue painter’s tape so Mom could keep track of orders.
My childhood home still had small corners that were filled with the remnants of the past, Dad’s favorite easy chair, complete with patched up pillows, the coffee table where I would sit in front of the television to have a snack after school, and the old painting of the mill in the pond, a second-hand piece my mom had picked up at a yard sale that she’d fallen in love with at first sight. Those artifacts were still sitting peacefully in the family room, but everything else, with the exception of the bedrooms, had been converted into the candy business. Oddly enough, the upheaval in their lives seemed to be working for both of my parents. They were busy and productive, yet they still found time in the evening to sit in front of the television and eat a bowl of popcorn together.
Mom briefly inspected my packed boxes to make sure they were up to her standard. “Nicely done.”
“Thanks. Guess that political science degree didn’t go to waste after all.”
Mom’s face smoothed, and I knew she’d gone back to our morning conversation where I’d finally confessed to her that I wasn’t completely sure about my decision to become a lawyer. I hadn’t had the courage to add my doubts about my engagement. That would have been a double whammy, and she didn’t need that.
“Mom, don’t worry. I’ll finish the law degree. You and Dad have worked so—”
She took hold of my hand. “No, wait, Kenna. I’ve given it some thought.” She forced a light laugh. “It’s amazing what a fudge steam sauna can do to clear your head and your sinuses. After this last week, I’ve come to some conclusions—one big one, actually. Just be happy in whatever you do. Life’s short and it can be taken in a flash. Live and do exactly what you want. Not what you think is expected of you. If you have any misgivings about going into law . . .” She fell quiet for a brief second. “Or marriage,” she added. I should have known better than to think I could pass one over on my mom. “Then go with your heart. Do whatever it is that will make you happy.” She waved her hand around at her candy shop kitchen. “Like this. I loved raising your brothers and you, and I love being married to your dad, but I am so fulfilled and successful now that I go to bed thinking about the business and I wake up thinking about wild new truffle flavors.” She stopped and pointed at me. “Lime and coconut, sounds yummy right?”
“I will gladly offer my taste testing services for lime and coconut.”
Mom stepped closer and hugged me. It had been an all day ritual with both my parents since I’d arrived home. “Just make the most out of your life, Kenny. That’s all I’m trying to say.”
“Good advice as always, Mom.”
After a long, emotional embrace, she lowered her arms and looked out the kitchen window. “It’s a beautiful day. Dad and I have been using those beach bikes to cruise around town. Why don’t you take a ride? It’ll be good for you to get away from the vanilla vapors.”
“You know what? That actually sounds like a brilliant idea. I’m going to go pull on my shoes.” I kissed her cheek and walked out of the room. A bike ride sounded fun and I knew how to make it even better. I pulled my phone out and called Caden. “Hey, get your sneakers on. We’re going on a bike ride to the old, abandoned train depot.”
“Hmm, I don’t know if I have time. I’ve just finished scrolling through all the action movies on Netflix, and I was just about to start on the comedy list.”
“Don’t bother. I went through it last night. Not worth the energy. I’ll meet you out front in ten minutes. Oh, and I’m on a total sugar high, so you’ll probably have a hard time keeping up with me.”
“Not a chance, Trinket. See you in ten.”
It had been three days since the funeral, and Caden and I had only had time to text each other. Between him staying around the house, helping out with some of the chores that Sally still couldn’t face and me giving a hand with Mom’s business, Caden and I hadn’t found much time to get together. I had no immediate plans to head back to New York, but I knew I was going to have to buy a return ticket soon. Jeremy and I had spoken briefly on the phone, mostly about his job and our friends in New York, and each time that we talked, he acted as if everything between us was just fine. The only sign that he was worried about things was at the end of our last conversation when he’d asked what day he should take off to pick me up from the airport. I, of course, had no clear answer for him.
I pulled my hair back in a band and smeared some sunscreen on my face. As I tied my shoes, it occurred to me that some of those old teenage nerves, the jitters I’d get when I was about to see Caden, had returned. It had been completely unexpected, but I couldn’t deny that seeing him again had stirred up some of the daydreams and musings I used to have about the guy. I’d spent a good portion of my teens just staring starry eyed at Caden, when he didn’t know I was looking, naturally. I’d worked hard to keep my crush secret from everyone.
I walked into the garage and pushed the button on the automatic door. I saw his big feet first and then, like a curtain being lifted on an artist’s masterpiece, the rest of Caden was unveiled. And he truly was a masterpiece. His long dark hair was pulled back from his face. Everything about him reminded me of those breathless moments I’d had as a young girl every time I saw him. The last edges of the teenage Caden that I’d privately swooned over were long gone and only the hard edges of a man who had already seen his share of a tough life remained. He was still every bit as worthy of a good, solid swoon. More so, in fact.
His expression still showed the unfathomable nightmare of the last week. I doubted that sadness would be wiped from his handsome face anytime soon. He motioned back to the lime green BMX bike leaning against the mailbox.
I smiled. “I see the Green Maverick still exists.” Caden had spent a lot of time on his BMX bike jumping everything in his path and securing himself two trips to the ER.
“Yep, didn’t think it would be right for me to ride one of those slow, plodding beach cruisers when the Mav was sitting sad and lonely in the garage.”
I rolled my mom’s bicycle out to the driveway. She’d added a frilly pink basket to the front of it, for no other reason I could think of except she thrived on doing frilly things. I’d dropped in two water bottles.
“Slow and plodding? Huh. Eat my dust, Stratton.” I hopped on and took off down the street.
I squealed with laughter as I spotted Caden out of the corner of my eye jumping off the curb. He stood, looking ridiculously tall for the small bike, and pedaled up next to me. “Did you catch that jump? Apparently, the Green Mav and I have still got it.”
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I slowed down, more out of necessity to catch my breath than for any other reason. Caden dropped down onto the seat, and we pedaled down the street. Dark pink Crepe myrtle trees had been planted along both sides of Olden Road where we lived. It was one of my favorite parts of the street. Their dark pink, popcorn shaped buds were mostly finished blooming, and they covered the asphalt with coral-colored snow. Most of the houses looked much the same as they had when we’d bicycled past as teens. Even Caden’s mom’s house still had the same pale green paint with shiny black trim.
“This street hasn’t changed much,” I said. “I don’t know why, but I’m absurdly glad about that. Makes me feel like I can always come home and all the things I loved, like these messy pink trees, will be here to remind me of my childhood.” I realized the ignorance of my words right after I finished. I looked over at Caden. “Almost all the things I loved. Sorry.”
“About what, Trinket? You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. And, yeah, I like seeing these trees too. They were always a symbol of summer vacation. And you know how much I hated school.”
Caden spotted one of his favorite jumps, the steps leading up to the Everett’s front walkway. He raced toward them.
“Don’t forget the last time you took that jump you were a teenager and your leg hadn’t been pinned back together,” I called to him. As expected, he ignored my warning. He jumped the bike up onto the step and rode it off the other end, circling around as he came off. He landed smoothly back on the sidewalk and flew off the curb to join me again.
“Shit, forgot how fun this bike was. I’m glad you suggested this ride. I was starting to melt into the couch cushions.”
“How are your dad and Sally doing?”
“Not great. I’m glad they have each other. I’m not sure how much help I am though. I thought I was going to fly to Wisconsin to pick up Grady’s things, but it turns out that he didn’t have all that much stuff. Dad told his roommate to give his clothes to goodwill and then he sent him money to pack up his belongings and send them home.”
A lump formed in my throat as I thought about all of Grady’s existence being packed up in a box and tossed around in the back of a delivery truck.
We pedaled awhile in silence.
“I think I might head back to the beach,” Caden said suddenly. “Sally has been fine having me around, but I don’t think it’s helping her. I’m just too much of a reminder.”
“So you’re going to leave me here alone? With the candy diva and her truffles?”
“Come with me. We could hang out, surf, eat sandwiches on the beach. It’s only an hour away. I can bring you back in a few days.”
I was left slightly speechless by the invitation. “Uh—I’m not sure. My mom needs me and—” My next words should have made mention of Jeremy. That would have been the right and proper response from a fiancée.
“No big deal, Trinket. Just thought we’d have fun.” He looked ahead.
The old train depot, a three sided relic of an earlier time that had deteriorated into weather worn walls with chipped yellow paint and graffiti, loomed in the distance.
Caden glanced over at me. “I’ll race you. And I’ll even give you and that lead filled bike a head start.”
I leaned down over the handlebars. “You’re on.” I stood to get the bike moving faster and pedaled hard. The handlebars wobbled some in my grasp, but I kept my focus on the dilapidated building at the end of the road. Weeds and shrubs had sprung up all around the old depot. I could hear Caden riding up behind me, taking the time to jump some curbs and spin a trick or two along the way. I laughed as I looked back over my shoulder. He was pedaling casually along as I pumped my legs as if my life depended on it.
As I turned to face forward, a ground squirrel scurried across the path in front of me. I turned the handlebars sharply to avoid it and pitched myself off the bike. The water bottles flew out of the basket. My hands shot out in front of me. Grit ground into my palms and knees as I landed hard on the pavement.
“Shit, Kenna.” Caden dropped his bike and raced over to me. He knelt down next to me. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. The fall was sort of slow motion. However, I am a little humiliated about sitting on my hands and knees in front of my childhood crush.” I sat back. My knees and palms stung, and every bone in my body hurt from the jarring thud. I turned my palms up. Rocks had been ground into my skin leaving behind tiny pinpoints of blood.
“Trinket, did you just call me your childhood crush?”
Suddenly, it occurred to me precisely what I’d just absentmindedly blurted out. All those years of hiding it, and it had only taken one, somewhat painful, fall off a bike to squeak it free. “Maybe. Or maybe I was talking about the squirrel. Which would be weird, I know, but I can’t erase what I just said. So ignore my silliness. It’s the sight of blood. I get squeamish. Besides, every girl in the whole damn neighborhood had a crush on you. I was just following the crowd.” I glanced back toward the shrubs. “Topic change. Did the squirrel make it?”
Caden pushed a loose strand of my hair back off my face. “Yep. He might have to change his squirrel underpants after that close call, but he made it thanks to your quick maneuver. Not many people would throw themselves onto the hard, unforgiving cement just to avoid hitting a ground squirrel, but that’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Trinket.” He stood up, and his giant shadow cooled me briefly. “Should I help you up?”
I didn’t answer, still feeling flustered by my earlier confession.
Caden walked behind me. His hands circled my waist, and he lifted me to my feet. My back pressed against his chest, and for a fleeting second, he held me like that, as if we were more than just two old friends, as if heat and emotion and something even deeper, floated between us. Our bodies stayed close as if a powerful magnet held them together. I was that teenage girl again, hopelessly in love with the boy across the street and nearly dizzy with the notion of standing in his arms. Only this time was different. This time he held me back, as if he wasn’t ready to let me go easily.
Reluctantly, he lowered his arms. I stepped forward, away from the magnetic field, away from the heat of his body. I turned around to face him. Caden looked just as stricken as I felt. It had been one of those strange moments in time, when it seemed that something unspoken and significant had passed between us, only neither of us could understand it.
I leaned over and looked down at my knees. Thin rivers of blood trickled down both shins. “Great. I’m going to have to wear bandages on my knees. That won’t be humiliating. I wonder if my mom still has my Hello Kitty bandages in her medicine cabinet. I might as well go all out on feeling like a little kid again.”
“They don’t look too bad, but we need to get you cleaned up. Then I’ll ride back and get my truck.” Without warning he swept me up into his arms.
“Oh, wow, was not expecting this.” I wrapped my arm around his neck and relaxed in his strong arms as he carried me toward the abandoned depot. I sniffed the soapy fragrance on his skin. “You smell good, by the way.” I dangled my feet in the air as my legs hung over his arm. “This is nice. I’m already plotting my next embarrassing kerplunk in my head just so this can happen again.” The moment of hot tension, when I’d stood against him, had vanished but nothing seemed quite the same. I was flirting, blatantly flirting, with Caden, and I couldn’t seem to switch it off. I’d let loose with the crush reveal, and it seemed I wasn’t going to be able to tuck away those feelings anymore. Caden still stirred every one of my senses. I hadn’t expected it. I hadn’t considered that my admiration for him would still be so strong after so much time had passed, but it was still there, every ounce of it.
Caden kicked some of the debris out of the way as he carried me into the depot. His beard stubble rubbed against my forehead. I liked the feel of it, abrasive, but in a good way
. “I’ll sit you down inside, out of the sun and then go back and grab one of those water bottles to clean off the dirt and blood.”
The inside of the empty building had just as much graffiti as the outside. Caden set me down on the bench running alongside the walls. The windows were long gone and a nice breeze blew through the structure. A bird chirped and fluttered wildly as it swooped down over us from a nest that had been built in the top corner. It dashed frantically out of the building.
“I think we just disturbed someone’s egg sitting.” I got up and hobbled across the floor to the other side, away from the nest, as Caden hurried back outside to get the water bottle. I sat still, trying to quiet the heartbeat in my chest.
I gazed at him as his long stride carried him along the path back toward me. Strands of his dark hair had fallen loose from the band holding it. The sorrow from the last week had taken its toll on him. Something about his expression brought me back to a day in high school when I’d gone to the office to deliver a note for the chemistry teacher. I’d found Caden sitting on the bench outside of the principal’s office, yet again. His dad was inside talking to the principal and a policeman. The look on Caden’s face was so pained, so anguished, I knew he’d gotten into some grave trouble. I wanted badly to sit down on the bench next to him and tell him how important he was to me, but he looked away to avoid my gaze. It turned out later that he’d been caught being truant. The policeman had discovered Caden and some of his less savory friends drinking beer at the park instead of being in class.