The Phands were sending Godzilla after us.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
* * *
The giant reptilian monster was now entirely out of the river. It must have been four hundred feet tall. It moved closer to our building, pausing only occasionally to sniff the air. It opened its mouth, I assumed to let out the trademark Godzilla screech, but no sound came out. That was strangely disappointing.
“So,” I said. “Biological retaliation. That’s messed up.”
“We need to get you out of here,” Tamret said.
I looked at her. She wanted me to get out of there, not us to get out of there. She had already given up on herself.
“There’s no time,” I said. “That thing is going to bring this building down before we can get to the ground floor. I have another idea.”
“I don’t even need to hear it to know it’s stupid,” she said. “My idea is better.” She grabbed me around the waist, and before I could object, she ran forward, taking the two of us out the window.
Right. She could fly. I’d forgotten about that.
We were out of the building just as the massive kaiju began to pound its claws against the windows. Glass and dust from crushed concrete rained down on the street below. The monster’s head was well below the floor we’d been on, but chunks of building began to fall away from the structure like leaves from a dying tree. Meanwhile, I was gritting my teeth, trying to push back the rush of nausea. Flying is great, but being flown, it turns out, is terrifying.
When we landed on the ground, there was an eight-foot-tall metallic humanoid waiting for us, and it looked unhappy. It had its arms crossed. This wasn’t the same synthetic containment unit it had found in the Hidden Fortress. It had either upgraded or the casing was malleable. It was also wearing a business suit that looked really expensive. I didn’t care what Smelly looked like; I was just happy to see it.
“Why are you bothering me?” Smelly asked.
I had summoned the AI just before Tamret had grabbed me. That had been my idea—the one Tamret had said was stupid before she bothered to hear it. I was going to get Smelly to stop the kaiju. At least that had been part of my idea. I had something else in mind, and it was a long shot, but I had to hope I knew Smelly well enough to count on its help. It had lived inside my head for months. It owed me.
I gestured with my thumb toward the gigantic, skyscraper- destroying monster. “There’s something after me.”
The kaiju took a swipe at the building, sending a corner office careening into the river, trailing office furniture and paperwork like a comet’s tail.
“That big green thing?” it asked.
“Yes,” I said. “That.”
“It doesn’t seem to be trying to kill you specifically,” Smelly said. Its head was elongated on top, moving into a gentle point, and its facial features were vaguely humanoid, though it was weird how its mouth didn’t move when it spoke. Maybe it would be weirder if it did. Also, its eyes glowed red, though they were still less creepy than Nora Price’s death-ray eyes.
“As soon as it realizes we’re not in there, it will come looking for me,” I told Smelly. “You have to do something.”
“I can handle the monster,” Tamret said.
“Your girlfriend can handle the monster,” Smelly said. The exposed metal of its hands and face glistened in the sun. It reached up and adjusted its tie and buttoned its coat, like it wanted to make sure it fit in with the other business types in midtown. “I warned you about bothering me with trivial matters. How did you tick off a kaiju, anyhow? You have to be the most irritating being who ever lived.”
“You are saying that to me? To anyone?”
“I’m not alive in the biological sense,” it said. “You can’t compare yourself to me.”
“Look,” I said to it, “Tamret doesn’t know for sure that she’s up to taking out something like that.”
“Neither do I. Let’s find out. Call me if it kills her and comes after you. My terms were specific.”
“Come on, Smelly. There are beings in that building.”
“Phands and Phand sympathizers. Don’t look surprised. It seems to you that I appeared instantly, but I actually had to travel here. I had time to review your crisis. I also learned the rules of blackjack, so I’m thinking I’ll hit Vegas before I head home. And why is there a game called craps? Am I the only one who wonders about these things?”
I looked at the building. “Maybe they are bad guys in there. Maybe they’re just working for them. Some of those people probably had no choice but to work in security. There must be secretaries in that building too, and people in the mailroom and maintenance departments and whatever. The Phands’ receptionists don’t deserve to die. Go stop the monster.”
“That’s your one cosmic favor? That’s the thing you summoned me from across the galaxy to do? Save the office staff?”
“I thought I was trying to save me when I hit the button,” I said. “But while you’re here, you can also cure Tamret.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Can it do that?”
“I was waiting for you to ask.” It folded its arms again. “Why don’t you understand that I told you not to summon me unless your death was imminent? Not the Phandic janitor’s and not your girlfriend’s. I’m not your butler. Next thing you know, you’ll be asking me to lay out your pajamas before bed.”
Another chunk of the building went flying, this time into the street. I had to hope people had cleared out already.
“Smelly, can you do it or not?”
“Of course I can,” it said. “I mean, if I want to. I’m amazing. Incredible. Remarkable. I’ll tell you what, Zeke. I hate to have wasted a trip. I can either stop that monster before it rips apart this city or I can save your girlfriend. You have to choose.” It leveled its electronic gaze at me. “Life isn’t fair and it isn’t easy. One or the other. Make your choice and live with it.”
I glanced over at the monster pounding on the crumbling building. I looked at Tamret. She was shaking her head, like I had to choose to save everyone but her. It was an impossible decision. How could I decide? How could I live with myself no matter what I decided?
It was impossible. I couldn’t make that choice, but I also didn’t think I had to.
“Don’t be a jerk, Smelly. Do both, and make it snappy. Please,” I added. “Be a pal.”
It let out an electronic sigh. “Fine. I only wanted to torment you a little first. Here,” it said to Tamret, holding out a piece of what seemed to be some kind of raw vegetable. It looked like pale yellow broccoli.
“I hate [broccoli],” Tamret said.
“I know,” said Smelly. “I also know it gives you gas. That’s why I chose it. Because I’m hilarious. Eat it and you won’t die. But you’re going to stink up the place. Later, fools.”
Smelly flew off, which I guessed was something it could do. It was heading for the kaiju.
“Eat the stupid broccoli, Tamret,” I said.
She made a face and popped it in her mouth. She chewed a few times, looking visibly disgusted, and swallowed. “I guess I’m not dying now,” she said.
“Do you know that for sure?” I asked her. “Do you feel different?”
“I feel the same,” she said. “But the little countdown clock to my death has disappeared from my HUD.”
“You had that?”
She nodded.
I hugged her. I didn’t know what else to do. I could think of nothing to say. She’d been working to save this planet while her own death had been playing out in front of her eyes, and it hadn’t slowed her down, not one second.
“I’m okay now,” she said, hugging me back. “Because of you.”
I took a step back. “I didn’t do anything.”
“You got that AI to help me. That’s something.”
“All I did was ask.”
“All over the galaxy, there are billions of beings who need help. It gave that help to you, Zeke. There’s a reason. You’re alway
s worried about what powers or abilities or technology you have, but those aren’t the things that make you a hero.”
I shook my head. “I’m not a hero.”
“Whatever,” she said. “I meant to say idiot. Those are the things that make you an idiot.”
Meanwhile, Smelly obviously had some control over the size and shape of its containment suit, as it had expanded to a four-hundred-foot tall version of itself. It grabbed the kaiju and spun it around so they were facing each other. The kaiju glowered at Smelly. Smelly turned to me, opened its mouth, and let out the classic Godzilla screech. It was satisfying to hear it.
Smelly then punched the kaiju in the face.
It turned out the monster wasn’t so tough. One punch, and it fell backward into the river, and after a long pause, it became clear it was not coming out again.
“That’s what I’m talking about!” Smelly announced, fist pumping in the air, its voice carrying like a citywide loudspeaker. “Boom!”
Apparently, this was the sound of the galaxy being saved.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
* * *
Things played out pretty much like we’d hoped. The people of Earth rose up, defeating their Phandic overlords with broomsticks, golf clubs, and, in what I considered a surprising number of countries, cricket bats. With the technological devices down and numbers on our side, it was a pretty simple business. Tamret and I had recorded our own experiences, and once we deactivated the EMP, Nayana, who turned out to know a lot about media software, edited it all together for a galactic broadcast. We sent out beacons to the various quarters of the Confederation and the Phandic Empire. The message was pretty simple: The Phands had been overthrown on Earth. Junup and Ghli Wixxix were evil.
It took a few days, but with Dr. Roop and Captain Qwlessl making sure the news outputs spread the story, the bad guys were soon detained and behind bars. There was a lot of inevitable chaos and confusion in the Confederation government, but reasonable beings were in charge once more, and damage done by Junup was being rolled back. Confederation ships were on the case, making sure the Phandic Empire did not expand, which seemed unlikely. The empress was dealing with world after world, long under Phandic control, rising up in rebellion. Maybe the empire would fall, or maybe it would just shrink, but things were definitely moving in the right direction.
Here on Earth there was also plenty of change. The day after we shut down the Phands, the New York Times front page featured a massive picture of Smelly fighting the kaiju. The headline read alien invasion ends with inexplicable monster battle. There was also a story about the role our team had played in removing the Phands from power. We were all very happy with how they described our efforts, human and alien, to liberate Earth. The story made us look competent and it made it clear that the Confederation—beings of different species working together for the common good—was a great idea. We were all happy about that. The team was less happy that the story was accompanied by a picture of me screaming like a wacko. That headline read “i’m taking about marshmallows!”: world saved by teens. My argument that it could have been worse was not well received.
Our families and friends turned out to be unharmed. Mi Sun claimed she was still angry with me, but I wasn’t buying it, and she couldn’t be bothered to work up a realistic level of irritation. She actually hugged me as we waited in an antechamber at the United Nations, where we were to receive a special commendation by the secretary general. It was a long ceremony, and kind of boring, but in the end all of us received medals on ribbons. All of us but Villainic, who stood by the side, looking unsure what to do with himself.
Long and boring ceremonies are always bad news. The party afterward was much better news. I’m not usually a fan of events that require me to wear a suit, but this was an exception. I had probably never been so happy in my life. My mother and father were there, together, with no ticking clock and no crisis on the horizon. My alien friends were on Earth, welcomed as heroes. It was great to meet my friends’ families. Nayana’s parents, in particular, turned out to be super nice. Her mom kept scolding me for getting her daughter into trouble, but she also kept bringing me food and punch, so I didn’t think she was really upset.
“She is much easier to be around since her return,” her father told me quietly. “I think she has learned a lesson in humility.”
Steve and Tamret were now celebrities. The humans in our group were all famous, sure, but we were boring next to the alien heroes. The world seemed especially to love Tamret—maybe because people tend to find cats more relatable than lizards. Also, in one interview, Steve kept talking about how easy Earth vehicles were to steal. Tamret looked amazing in her lavender long-sleeved gown, and an activist rock star kept flirting with her at the reception. At least she seemed annoyed by it. Every time he spoke to her, she just squeezed my arm and asked who he was again.
I didn’t want Tamret to feel abandoned, so I waited until she was engaged in the middle of a long conversation with the First Lady before I slipped away and found Villainic, who was standing by himself, eating a piece of carrot cake. “I am glad your planet was saved,” he said. “Otherwise I never would have learned about cream cheese frosting.”
I looked over to where Charles, Nayana, Mi Sun, and Alice were talking. Our medals looked big and kind of dorky, but we’d earned them. Charles and I were wearing suits, but he looked more comfortable in his than I felt in mine. Mi Sun looked irritated at having to wear a dress, but I’d made a point of telling her she looked pretty, mostly just to annoy her.
“I’m glad you’re having a good time,” I told him.
“I certainly am,” he said happily. “I am pleased to see more of your world, and I think I look quite nice in this Earth costume.” He wore a suit and was now swatting at his tie like it was a cat toy.
I gestured toward the medal I wore around my neck. “Look, I’m the first to enjoy the fact that you’ve been Chewbaccaed, but that you didn’t want one of these pretty much confirms what I already suspected. What I don’t know is if there ever was a Villainic, or if it was you all along, whatever your name is.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“Yeah,” I said, “I think you do. So why not tell me what’s going on?”
“Very well,” he said with a sigh.
There was a slight shimmer in the air, and the being before me changed shape. No longer was he the blankly handsome Rarel. Now he was a tall figure in a silvery robe with a high collar. Where his head should have been was what appeared to be a twelve-sided die. I figured this being must have been radiating some sort of inconspicuous cloaking field. People noticed him enough not to bump into him, but nothing more. Certainly no one seemed to think it odd that a cat alien had just turned into a Geometric Upstart.
“My name,” he said in a voice deep enough to make my teeth rattle, “is Pentagonal Dodecahedron. And yes, there is a real Villainic. He remains on the world where you met Convex Icosahedron. We have offered to return him to his home planet, but he has discovered contentment tending to our population of nerfs.”
Villainic had become a nerf herder. My recent sense of the universe being a just place was not shaken by this news.
“Why did you decide to impersonate him?”
“We find the elements of chaos you and your friends create and inhabit to be particularly entertaining. We wished to observe and augment.”
“You wanted to make our lives more difficult,” I said.
“Perhaps. More interesting. More challenging, I should say. Though I will point out, at times my arguments paved the way for you to pursue your own schemes. You rose to those challenges quite amusingly.”
“Thanks,” I said. “So you guys are Formers? Is that right?”
“We are, for now, Geometric Upstarts. What we have been in the past, or shall be in the future, is not relevant.”
“That sounds like a whole lot of nonsense,” I said, “mainly designed to avoid answering my question.
”
“A question unanswered is its own answer, like a snake devouring its own tail.”
“Yeah, you’re only proving my point.”
“I should like to ask you a question,” Pentagonal Dodecahedron said.
“Honestly, you haven’t given me a whole lot of motivation to answer, but since I’m probably more reasonable than you, ask away.”
“How did you know I was not what I seemed?”
I thought about when I had begun to suspect that Villainic was not himself. “Well, killing those Phands on Planet Pleasant added to my suspicions, but the real giveaway was the business about speaking names at the ends of sentences. I noticed that after Villainic asked to be shown his room. When he came back, he seemed kind of relaxed, but the real Villainic always loved an opportunity to be all fancy and follow forms.”
“Honestly, it was a completely made-up rule meant to annoy others,” Pentagonal Dodecahedron said. “You’ll notice I’m not doing it now.”
“Oh,” I said. “Well, I was right anyhow.”
“Being right in spite of yourself seems to be the story of your life,” he said. “It is one of the reasons you are so interesting to us.”
“I should probably feel insulted, but I don’t really care. Just stay out of my business from now on.”
“We shall do so,” Pentagonal Dodecahedron said with a slight bow of his die head. “Until it amuses us to do otherwise.”
I was about to say something else, probably issue an entirely ineffectual warning, when my father walked up to us, his mouth wide with surprise.
“I don’t believe it!” he shouted. “Pentagonal Dodecahedron!”
“Uriah Reynolds!” Pentagonal Dodecahedron answered, equally excited.