“If you quit banging all over the place, maybe.”
“Obviously. Two weeks. That’s it.” I looked down at my gin and swirled it around in my glass.
She watched me. “You look a little sad about that for this being ‘easy’ and ‘no big deal.’”
It was the truth, though, and I knew it. I didn’t really want it to end, even though I knew it was exactly what it had to do. “He’s the one little bright spot in my life, and he’s so bright that I almost can’t see any of the bad.”
“Why not date?”
I cackled. “Date? Cooper Moore? I mean, really, Lily. His last name literally means excess.”
“I think it refers to a geographical feature—”
I gave her a flat look.
“—but I get your meaning.”
I shook my head. “Cooper is like the chaser you slam after a shot of cheap vodka. He’s there to wash the taste away after the pain.” I didn’t know how much I believed it, even though that was what I’d been telling myself for weeks. “Anyway, you even just said he’s the opposite of boyfriend material.”
She shrugged. “I’m just wondering if there’s more to it than that.”
“Regardless, I’m sure West would be pleased as punch if I dated Cooper.”
“He’d be happier with a relationship than you guys just banging for fun, I’ll tell you that for sure.”
But I shook my head and dug in my heels. “I can’t date. I can’t. I’m not ready for that. Not to be serious. And not with Cooper. How could he be serious about me when he doesn’t take anything seriously? I did that once, Lily. I did it once, and I will never, ever do it again. I don’t want to fall in love. I don’t want to date. I don’t want expectations from Cooper, and I don’t want to expect anything from him, either.”
She reached for my hand on the table and squeezed it. “I get it. I’m sorry, Maggie.”
I squeezed her fingers back. “It’s not your fault that I have a type.”
She gave me a comforting smile. “True. If things were different, do you think it could be more?”
“You mean if I weren’t emotionally crippled, if Cooper weren’t a slacker, and if West wouldn’t club Cooper?”
She chuckled and picked up her drink. “Yes.”
I sighed and picked mine up too. “Who knows. None of it’s clear to me.” I took a sip. “Growing up is dumb.”
“The worst.”
“Let’s just make a blanket fort and hang out in there indefinitely.”
She raised her glass. “If there are bacon burgers, I’m in.”
“Bacon burgers and french fries and gin. And ice cream.” My phone vibrated in my purse on the table, and I dug around for it.
Lily’s brow rose. “That’s like the third time that’s gone off.”
It was Cooper. I sighed as I glanced at his messages. “He wants to know if I’m okay.”
“Well,” she said as she stood, “I’ll leave you to it. I’m going to head to West’s.”
I looked up at her, hating that I’d dragged her into the mess. “I’m sorry to ask you to keep this secret.”
“I get the necessity. Trust me. I don’t know if I can lie to him if he asks me outright, though. And I can’t save either of you if he finds out.”
“I know. Do what you have to do. But I swear, you won’t have to hide it from him because Cooper and I will just go underground. No more hanging out with everyone, no more being reckless. And if things get hairy, I promise, I’ll end it. I don’t want to put you out any worse than I already have.”
She looked comforted by that. “All right. And I’ve got your back while I can.”
“Thank you.” I gave her a smile.
“You’re welcome. Now go message pretty boy before he loses his mind.” She bent to give me a hug, saying softly, “It’ll be okay, Maggie.”
“I hope so.”
She pulled away. “It will. I promise. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“My big day!” I cheered.
“Your big day! And it’s going to be amazing.” She grabbed her bag and slung it on. “Sleep tight.”
“You too.”
“Oh, I will.” She leered at me.
I shooed her, laughing. “Get outta here with that.”
“Bye,” she chimed as she closed the door.
I let out a heavy sigh and picked up my phone. There were three texts from Cooper.
She knows, doesn’t she? Are you all right?
I’m so sorry. This is my fault.
Really, I didn’t expect murder from Lily. Hit me up when you can.
I texted him back. I’m all right. She definitely knows. And this isn’t your fault. Are you still at Habits?
Not if I can see you.
Can you call me?
Give me five.
I peeled myself out of the chair and cleaned up the kitchen, then dragged myself into the bathroom to wash my face, thinking about what Lily had said. Having a confidant who knew West just as well as I did was comforting. I needed real advice, someone who knew Cooper and the situation. Astrid had cleared the air, but I didn’t know if we were on the level that I could call her and talk to her about my love life.
I sighed and dried my face, then headed into our room to change into leggings and a tank before slipping into bed. I buried myself in the fluffy covers, pulling them up to my chin with a sigh, worn out from the whole ordeal.
At least I’d bought some time.
My phone rang, and I answered right away, not even caring if I looked desperate.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hey.”
I want you to come over. “I don’t think I can see you tonight.”
He was quiet for a beat. “I can’t say I’m happy about that. Anything I can do to change your mind?”
I fiddled with the lace on my comforter. “Oh, just erase everything that happened to both of us before I moved here. Can you manage that?”
I must have caught him off guard because he didn’t respond right away. “Possibly. I know a guy.”
I chuckled. “I’m sure you do.”
“What did she say?”
I rolled over to face the room. “She wasn’t happy. She thought you took advantage of me.”
“If she only knew that you were the mastermind behind the whole operation,” he joked.
I laughed at the irony. Talking me into stuff was his best magic trick. “I can’t help the fact that I have needs.”
“Is she going to tell West?”
“She said she wouldn’t.”
“Good. We’ll be more careful.”
I sighed. “God, that was so dumb, Cooper.”
“But so worth it. I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“Me neither. Next time, let’s just leave.”
“I wish we had just so I’d have you for the night.”
“It’s probably for the best. I can’t stay at your house until three, not when I’ve got to get up early. For work!”
“I wish I got that excited about working.” I could hear him smiling.
“Never know if you don’t try.”
He laughed, and we sat in contented silence. “So you didn’t call when you went to your interview today, which I can’t say I’m not a little hurt about.”
“Aww, is Giant Hammerhead Cooper pouty?”
“Nah. The beast has been fed and is content. For now, at least. I can wake him up, though — just say the word.”
I laugh burst out of me. “Oh, my God, Coop. Never call it ‘the beast’ again. Like, ever.”
“You and your rules. Ever think about just throwing them all out the window?”
“Nope, not really.” I smiled. “Sorry I didn’t call. I knew I’d see you tonight, and I didn’t want to bother you.”
“You’re never a bother, Mags.”
“You say that now, but wait until my brother’s chasing you with a baseball bat and then let’s talk.”
It was his turn to laugh. “Are you sure I
can’t change your mind?”
“I’m sure. I’m already in bed.”
“That’s not a convincing reason. I’m right around the corner.”
I pulled a pillow into my chest. “We’ve got to be smarter about this. Your face is too pretty to risk West’s wrath.”
“You think I’m pretty?” he asked.
“Ninety-eight percent of all humans who have seen your face think you’re pretty.”
“Only ninety-eight percent? My numbers have slipped.”
“The other two percent just think ‘tall, dark, and handsome’ is passé.”
He laughed again. “Text me tomorrow and let me know how your day is.”
“I will.”
“And Maggie?”
“Yes?”
“I really am sorry about tonight.”
“I wouldn’t take it back, but I don’t want to put ourselves in this spot again.” I squeezed the pillow a little tighter.
“I know. Me neither.” He took a breath and let it out. “All right. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Sleep well, Mags.”
“You too, Coop.”
I hung up and laid my phone on the nightstand before clicking off the light. And then I lay in bed, the room in such deep shadows that I couldn’t make out much, though I stared into the dark all the same, trying to make sense of what was right in front of me.
Two weeks. Really, it was twelve days before we’d end it. I was resolute, not willing to hurt anyone else for something I wanted, someone who I couldn’t have in any real way, anyway. The thought gave me comfort. I ignored the niggling of dread.
STARVING
Maggie
I PULLED OPEN THE DOOR to Project Homestead the next morning armed with textbooks, my laptop, iron will, and a smile, ready to crush the day. I headed back to my new boss’ office and found her sitting behind her desk. Her hair was a dark, rich gray, pulled back in a clip, her brown eyes shining from behind red-framed glasses.
She smiled up at me with rosy cheeks and stood.
“Good morning, Maggie.” She extended a hand.
“Hi, Susan,” I said as I took it. “Good to see you.”
“Have a seat.” She motioned to the chair, and I sat down. “Thank you so much for starting on such short notice. We’re lucky to have you. Our benefactor is coming in tomorrow, and we’ve had a lot of trouble finding a qualified candidate to run the reading enrichment program.”
“It’s my pleasure, really.” I set my bag down next to my chair and folded my hands in my lap.
She leaned on her desk. “Your credentials are just outstanding, and the references we spoke to had nothing but good things to say. We’re feeling a bit like we’ve won the lottery,” she said with a smile. “Today I’ll need you to fill out some paperwork, and we’ll be touring the facility. I want you to meet the kids, and then we’ll need to sit down and talk through some curriculum points. I’d like to have a loose plan in place for the meeting tomorrow.”
“I’m sure I can get something together in time.”
Susan adjusted her glasses on her nose. “Perfect.” She picked up a packet of papers from her desk and handed it over to me. “So, just to go into a bit more detail on what we touched on yesterday, your volunteer position will be three days per week for the kids in the shelter, similar to library programs. We want to bring reading into the children’s lives in a way that shows them the magic of books and imagination. We’d also like to discuss an adult reading workshop, which we would schedule based on the interest we receive.”
I flipped through the packet, a set of paperwork to fill out and some program overviews.
“This summer we’ll have larger groups of kids than you’ll have starting out, once all of the kids are out of school. It’s when they need us the most, the time when they’re unsupervised. Our shelters are mostly families trying to get back on their feet. Most have jobs, the kids in school, trying to maintain their lives even though they’ve lost their homes. It’s a transitional place for them, a place for them to find solid ground again. Any questions so far?”
“No, ma’am.”
She smiled and stood. “Great. Let’s have a look around.”
I gathered my things and followed her out of the office and through the building — through the kitchen and rooms, the common areas, the playroom where I met the kids who weren’t old enough for school. We ended up in the common office, a room set up with a few older desktop computers, round tables and chairs, a wall of packed bookshelves, and one super hot guy.
He was a bit older than me, with blond hair and a killer smile that he shot at me like a laser beam.
Susan gestured to him, and I think his smile got even brighter. “Maggie, I’d like you to meet Brian, our illustrious chef and head of our kitchens.”
He stood and extended a hand. “Nice to meet you, Maggie.”
“Likewise,” I answered, taking it with a smile. He gave it a solid squeeze.
“Maggie will be heading up our reading program.”
He nodded amiably. “Great. Catherine will be glad to hear we finally found someone.”
“Yes, she will.” Susan sounded relieved and turned back to me. “You can store any supplies you have here and use the space for anything you may need. For the meeting tomorrow, if you could put together a proposal for your plan for the children’s program as well as a general supply list, that would be a great start. And, no pressure, but if you have any ideas for the adult program, I’m sure Catherine would love to hear them.”
“All right. I think can manage. I have some good ideas on where to start.”
“Wonderful, Maggie. Let’s plan on meeting this afternoon to go over what you come up with. I can’t thank you enough for your help. Are you all right to set up here in the office? Do you have everything you need?”
“I do. Thank you, Susan.” I adjusted my bag on my shoulder with my mind already turning over ideas.
“Just let me know if you have any questions or need any guidance.”
“I will.”
I moved to sit a table away from Hottie Von Chefpants as Susan left the room, feeling him watching me with his pencil hovering over his clipboard.
“You’re welcome to sit over here, if you’d like.”
I smiled politely, since refusing wasn’t an option, not after he’d offered. “Sure.” I set down my bag and took a seat across from him. “What are you working on?”
He leaned back in his chair and ran a hand through his golden hair. “Menus for the next month and our grocery list for Catherine. She helps procure the donations we need to keep this place up and running.”
I pulled a binder of lesson plans out of my bag and set it on the table. “How long have you worked here?”
“Two years. Doesn’t pay much, in money at least.” He smiled at me again — it really was a pretty smile, kind and genuine.
“Yeah, I hear that. I was a teacher in my past life.”
“You’re not from around here.”
“Is it that obvious?”
He smirked. “A little hard to disguise that accent.”
I dug around for a pen, wondering if I’d be able to get any work done in the office after all. “I just moved here from Mississippi.”
“Small town girl in the big city, huh?”
I raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know that I’d call Jackson a small town. Maybe compared to New York, but isn’t everything?”
Brian laughed, his eyes twinkling. “Fair enough. Are you in the market for a tour guide? Because I know of a mean coffee shop around the corner that I think you’d love.”
I raised a brow. “Already asking me on a coffee date?”
He shrugged. “I’m not known for passing up opportunities with beautiful, charitable Southern girls who are new to the city.”
I smiled, shaking my head. “That’s awfully sweet of you, but I’ve got to pass.”
He nodded, unable to fully hide his disappointment behind a smile. “I should have known you’d already
have a boyfriend.”
“Who says I have a boyfriend?”
His smile fell. “I’m sorry, I—”
I waved him off with a sigh. “I’m sorry. It’s not you, you seem perfectly nice, and I’m pretty sure that with a smile like that, you have no problems finding a date. It’s just that I’m just getting out of a serious relationship, and things are … complicated for me.”
“Bad timing. I get it,” he conceded.
I smiled.
“Well, let me know if things change. You know where to find me. And in the meantime, we’ll be friends?”
“Sounds more like my speed.”
“And we’ll have Folgers instead of the Sumatra blend.”
I chuckled. “Deal.”
He made to get up, smiling at me. “I’ll go start a pot so we can get ready for Catherine. Cream and sugar?”
“Just sugar, thanks.”
I watched him leave the room, shaking my head at myself. I hadn’t thought twice about turning him down, even though he was … safe. He was the kind of guy I should be going after — a nice guy who worked in charity with a kind smile and a great body. I bet he gave back rubs and bought girls flowers before he took them on dates to hip coffee shops. But I wasn’t interested at all. Not even a tiny little ovarian flutter.
It was so easy to say no to him, but somehow I couldn’t deny Cooper when he set his mind to something. I wondered what in the hell that meant, other than I was apparently a glutton for punishment.
My phone buzzed on the table, and I picked it up to find a text from Cooper. Never mind speak of the devil — I couldn’t even think of him or he’d appear.
How’s work?
I texted him back. So far, so good. Got a lot of work to do before tomorrow. What’s up?
Come by before you head home. I’ll order dinner.
Ah, the old feed-and-fuck?
I mean, when you put it like that…
I smiled. Sure. I’ll text you when I’m on my way. I can’t stay late though, okay?
I’ll take what I can get. See you tonight.
I set my phone down and flipped through my lesson plans, trying to clear my mind of boys and their pretty smiles, and before long, I’d buried myself in the task at hand, feeling productive for the first time in a very, very long time.