This, of course, was too much. His imagination was taking liberties and must be called to heel.
Yet the way he called it to order was significant, and its very deliberateness betrayed a mind that has already admitted fear. And fear, once in, is difficult to dislodge. He lay there upon his elbow in bed and carefully took note of all the objects in the room -- with the intention, as it were, of taking an inventory of everything his senses perceived, then drawing a line, adding them up finally, and saying with decision, 'That's all the room contains! I've counted every single thing.
There is nothing more. Now -- I may sleep in peace!'
And it was during this absurd process of enumerating the furniture of the room that the dreadful sense of distressing lassitude came over him that made it difficult even to finish counting. It came swiftly, yet with an amazing kind of violence that overwhelmed him softly and easily with a sensation of enervating weariness hard to describe. And its first effect was to banish fear. He no longer possessed enough energy to feel really afraid or nervous. The cold remained, but the alarm vanished. And into every corner of his usually vigorous personality crept the insidious poison of a muscular fatigue -- at first -- that in a few seconds, it seemed, translated itself into spiritual inertia. A sudden consciousness of the foolishness, the crass futility of life, of effort, of fighting -- of all that makes life worth living, oozed into every fibre of his being, and left him utterly weak. A spit of black pessimism, that was not even vigorous enough to assert itself, invaded the secret chambers of his heart. . .
Every picture that presented itself to his mind came dressed grey shadows; those bored and sweating horses toiling up the ascent to -- nothing! That hard-faced landlady taking so much trouble to let her desire for gain conquer her sense of morality -- for a few francs! That gold-braided porter, so talkative, fussy, energetic, and so anxious to tell all he knew! What was the use of them all? And for himself, what in the world was the good of all the labour and drudgery he went through in that preparatory school where he was junior master? What could it lead too?
Wherein lay the value of so much uncertain toil, when the ultimate secrets of life were hidden.and no one knew the final goal? How foolish was effort, discipline, work! How vain was pleasure! How trivial the noblest life! . . .
With a jump that nearly upset the candle Minturn challenge this weak mood. Such vicious thoughts were usually so remote from his normal character that the sudden vile invasion produced a swift reaction. Yet, only for a moment. Instantly, again, the depression descended upon him like a wave. His work -- it could lead to nothing but the dreary labour of a small headmastership after all -- seemed as vain and foolish as his holiday in the Alps. What an idiot he had been, to be sure, to come out with a knapsack merely to work himself into a state of exhaustion climbing over toilsome mountains that led to nowhere -- resulted in nothing. A dreariness of the grave possessed him. Life was a ghastly fraud! Religion a childish humbug!
Everything was merely a trap -- a trap of death; a coloured toy that Nature used as a decoy! But a decoy for what? For nothing! There was no meaning in anything. The only real thing was -- DEATH. And the happiest people were those who found it soonest.
Then why wait for it to come?
He sprang out of bed, thoroughly frightened. This was horrible. Surely mere physical fatigue could not produce a world a black, an outlook so dismal, a cowardice that struck with rich sudden hopelessness at the very roots of life? For, normally, he was cheerful and strong, full of the tides of healthy living; and this appalling lassitude swept the very basis of his personality into nothingness and the desire for death. It was like the development of a Secondary Personality. He had read, of course, how certain persons who suffered shocks developed thereafter entirely different characteristics, memory, tastes, and so forth. It had all rather frightened him. Though scientific men vouched for it, it was hardly to be believed. Yet here was similar thing taking place in his own consciousness. He was, beyond question, experiencing all the mental variations of -- someone else! It was un-moral. It was awful. It was -- well, after all, at the same time, it was uncommonly interesting.
And this interest he began to feel was the first sign of his returned normal Self. For to feel interest is to live, and to love life.
He sprang into the middle of the room -- then switched on the electric light. And the first thing that struck his eye was -- the big cupboard.
'Hallo! There's that -- beastly cupboard!' he exclaimed to himself, involuntarily, yet aloud. It held all the clothes, the winging skirts and coats and summer blouses of the dead woman. For he knew now -- somehow or other -- that she was dead. . .
At that moment, through the open windows, rushed the sound of falling water, bringing with it a vivid realisation of the desolate, snow-swept heights. He saw her -- positively saw her! -- lying where she had fallen, the frost upon her cheeks, the snow-dust eddying about her hair and eyes, her broken limbs pushing against the lumps of ice. For a moment the sense of spiritual lassitude -- of the emptiness of life -- vanished before this picture of broken effort -- of a small human force battling pluckily, yet in vain, against the impersonal and pitiless potencies of inanimate nature -- and he found himself again his normal self. Then instantly, returned again that terrible sense of cold, nothingness, emptiness. . .
And he found himself standing opposite the big cupboard where her clothes were. He suddenly wanted to see those clothes -- things she had used and worn. Quite close he stood, almost touching it. The next second he had touched it. His knuckles struck upon the wood.
Why he knocked is hard to say. It was an instinctive movement probably. Something in his deepest self-dictated it -- ordered it. He knocked at the door. And the dull sound upon the wood into the stillness of that room brought -- horror. Why it should have done so he found it as hard to.explain to himself as why he should have felt impelled to knock. The fact remains that when he heard the faint reverberation inside the cupboard, it brought with it so vivid a realisation of the woman's presence that he stood there shivering upon the floor with a dreadful sense of anticipation; he almost expected to hear an answering knock from within -- the rustling of the hanging skirts perhaps -- or, worse still, to see the locked door slowly open towards him.
And from that moment, he declares that in some way or other he must have partially lost control of himself, or at least of his better judgment; for he became possessed by such an over-mastering desire to tear open that cupboard door and see the clothes within, that he tried every key in the room in the vain effort to unlock it, and then, finally, before he quite realised what he was doing -- rang the bell!
But, having rung the bell for no obvious or intelligent reason at two o'clock in the morning, he then stood waiting in the middle of the floor for the servant to come, conscious for the first time that something outside his ordinary self had pushed him towards the act. It was almost like an internal voice that directed him. . . and thus, when at last steps came down the passage and he faced the cross and sleepy chambermaid, amazed at being summoned at such an hour, he found no difficulty in the matter of what he should say. For the same power that insisted he should open the cupboard door also impelled him to utter words over which he apparently had no control.
'It's not you I rang for!' he said with decision and impatience. 'I want a man. Wake the porter and send him up to me at once -- hurry! I tell you, hurry --!'
And when the girl had gone, frightened at his earnestness, Minturn realised that the words surprised himself as much as they surprised her. Until they were out of his mouth he had not known what exactly he was saving. But now he understood that some force, foreign to his own personality, was using his mind and organs. The black depression that had possessed him a few moments before was also part of it. The powerful mood of this vanished woman had somehow momentarily taken possession of him -- communicated, possibly, by the atmosphere of things in the room still belonging to her. But even now, when the porter, without coat or collar, stood besid
e him in the room, he did not understand why he insisted, with a positive fury admitting no denial, that the key of that cupboard must be found and the door instantly opened.
The scene was a curious one. After some perplexed whispering with the chambermaid at the end of the passage, the porter managed to find and produce the key in question. Neither he nor the girl knew clearly what this excited Englishman was up to, or why he was so passionately intent upon opening the cupboard at two o'clock in the morning. They watched him with an air of wondering what was going to happen next. But something of his curious earnestness, even of his late fear, communicated itself to them, and the sound of the key grating in lock made them both jump.
They held their breath as the creaking door swung slowly open. All heard the clatter of that other key as it fell against the wooden floor -- within. The cupboard had been locked from the inside. But it was the scared housemaid, from her position in the corridor, who first saw -- and with a wild scream fell crashing against the banisters.
The porter made no attempt to save her. The schoolmaster and himself made a simultaneous rush towards the door, now wide open. They, too, had seen.
There were no clothes, skirts or blouses on the pegs, but they saw the body of the Englishwoman suspended in mid-air, the head bent forward. Jarred by the movement of unlocking, the body swung slowly round to face them. . . Pinned upon the inside of the door was a hotel envelope with the following words pencilled in straggling writing:
'Tired -- unhappy -- hopelessly depressed. . . I cannot face life any longer. . . All is black. I must put an end to it.... I meant to do it on the mountains, but was afraid. I slipped back to my room unobserved. This way is easiest and best. . . .'
Algernon Blackwood, 13 Tales of Terror
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