A great bloom of joy-sorrow-pain-pleasure-ecstasy-grief-regret-laughter overflowed my heart and I knew a pure moment of understanding for how she lived her life with a soul too big for her – for how she carried so much emotion, all the time – and when I opened my eyes it was to see Finn looking up at me, her gaze golden.
I cried as I held her. She stroked my hair and laughed at me, at my tears. ‘My big soft beast,’ she murmured. ‘You took your time.’
‘Forgive me.’
‘Only if you promise me now that we will never again speak of the end of this bond. We leave things as they are. I would not be parted from you for all the world.’
I smiled. ‘I was thinking the very same thing.’
I kissed her, tasting salt on her lips.
Epilogue
Finn
Sometimes, if I was tired or sad, I still heard the screams. But they were softer now, and they did not frighten me. They were a whispered reminder of how truly lucky I was to have been gifted with three births, instead of only one. Three births, and each forged from deepest love.
If in moments of weakness the old darkness shrouded me, I had only to look at my husband and feel our shared strength cast it off.
He was different, my Thorne. The ice had changed him, as it had done his da. I grieved secretly for the gentle child he’d been. He was colder sometimes, without meaning to be. But he was also capable of more love, more generosity. And that was the way of the world and all that it did to us. It marched on with or without us, forcing us to grow and change and adapt. It asked us to become more, or perish.
Thorne had become more. He stood taller. Understood his place with a simple awareness of necessity. He understood himself too – was not frightened of all that he was capable of. He was not frightened to be strong. He’d made peace with the beast, and with the ghost. Which meant he was less conflicted, a little older, a little wiser, a great deal sadder.
But that was why he had me. For laughter.
I knew the truth now. A soul only bonded with its other half if it needed help to carry the weight of its life. I saw no shame in it anymore; I was learning to take pleasure in giving and receiving help, in the sweet tenderness of gentility instead of the cold distance I had worn as armour for so many years. If Thorne had moments of detachment, then I now had moments of purest warmth. We’d found a way to stay balanced.
It was this balance – this love – that had saved my life when we returned from the ice to find that my country had been conquered by the true monsters in this world: warders with corrupted hearts and violent ambitions. It was what saved me when I learnt that the Empress had been slain and the Emperor had fled to hide in the Pirenti fortress where lived his cousin, Queen Ava.
And it was what saved me, finally, when I learnt that Jonah and Penn had been trapped and left within the walls of Sancia, a city now belonging to our enemies. We knew not if they were alive or dead, and I had no bond with him anymore to be able to tell.
I barely knew how to contain the tragedy of this in my heart. I struggled with it every day, and the only thing that helped me to wake up in the morning was Thorne’s promise that we would save them, that we would take back the city and find my family. I believed him – everyone did, because when he spoke now there was a rousing and ferocious passion in him, and you believed when he made a promise: that was the kind of man he’d become. I was proud, I was so proud.
My awareness of myself was more complicated. I still had a long way to come, a great deal to learn. But I had finally begun to understand that a soul could not be too big for a body. Not if you made room for it. Not if you had the courage to become bigger, to become more, to make within yourself enough space to carry all the love and the grief the world could possibly fit within you. I tried to do so every day – and I would keep trying with dogged determination – because I needed to be strong enough and brave enough to save my brother.
One of the hardest days of my life, to date, was the day my da arrived. He was one of the few to be rescued in time from Limontae and brought to the safety of the cold northern fortress. He was so weak they’d put him on a stretcher to travel, and I had to hold myself very still as I watched him being carried inside the stone building.
I sat by his bed, bathing his forehead with cold washcloths, and I both longed for and feared the moment he would wake and I would have to tell him.
Late one night I sat with Thorne beside Da’s bed, telling them a story. ‘… and with one fell swoop –’
‘We could end it,’ Thorne said suddenly.
‘What?’ I asked, irritated to be interrupted. But when I followed his eyes I realised he was looking at Da, and there was a lurch in my chest because I knew what he meant.
I closed my eyes, my whole body aching. We could end the bond and save Da. Thorne was willing to do this, despite the fact that we had vowed to each other to protect it for everyone in Kaya.
‘Sometimes, Thorne of Araan,’ I said softly, ‘you are just too much.’
He smiled sadly and I kissed him.
That was when Da stirred and we both lurched to his side. ‘Da?’
Alexi’s eyes opened and he smiled wearily. ‘My clever, clever girl,’ he murmured, reaching for my face. ‘Where have you been?’
My chest tightened. ‘I went to break the bond so that you would live. But …’ I felt Thorne’s hand on my spine, making circles that reminded me how to breathe. ‘I couldn’t. We can’t. I mean, we can. But we won’t.’
Da frowned, looking at me more clearly. ‘My darling,’ he said. ‘That’s as it should be. Let me go.’
‘What? No –’
‘Finn,’ he said. ‘I want to go. Let me go.’
A sob welled out of my body and I fell over his chest, holding him as tightly as I could. ‘No.’
‘Finn, stand up,’ a firm voice said from the doorway.
I looked over my shoulder to see Ava. She wore a hard expression, and her eyes were an incredible shade of yellow that I realised, with a deep shock, was my colour.
Thorne helped me rise and pulled me back. I didn’t know what was going on, but I watched, too heartsick to be able to speak anyway.
Ava moved to the bed and she looked down at Alexi. Her spine was iron; every time I saw her I was impressed anew by who she was.
‘When did your mate die?’ she asked Da.
He grimaced as though the very thought hurt, as I was sure it did. ‘Six years ago.’
‘Then you are very, very strong,’ Ava, Queen of Pirenti told him. ‘Why did you live, Alexi?’
I watched a tear slide from his eye. ‘For my children.’
Thorne caught me, held me against his body.
‘Good,’ Ava said bluntly. ‘Have your children died?’
He looked confused. ‘No.’
‘Then you still have two children.’
‘Yes.’
‘Why would you die now?’
There was silence. What in Gods’ names was she doing? It wasn’t as though he was choosing this nightmare that sapped him of his strength more every day.
‘Ava, he’s not –’
‘Quiet,’ she ordered me flatly, without a single glance my way. To Alexi she said, ‘Your son is trapped in a city ruled by enemy warders who have been killing their hostages.’
An eruption of horror in my hands and teeth. Thorne moved his mouth to my ear and whispered, ‘Strong, girl. Be strong.’
So I made myself strong. And I listened. As the half-walker Queen saved my da’s life with nothing more than words.
‘How dare you die when your children need you more than they have ever needed you?’ she asked him.
Alexi gazed up at her, and there were still tears slipping from his eyes, but he was listening.
‘Sit up,’ Ava ordered. ‘Now.’
Alexi struggled, and I tried to go to him but Thorne the traitor held me back. Da managed to get himself to a sitting position.
‘On your feet,’ Ava ordered next.
/> ‘He can’t!’ I cried.
‘He can, actually,’ Ava replied. ‘Alexi. Stand up. It’s easy.’
I watched my da trembling, weak and weary and sick of life. But he got to his feet and stood straight before the Queen.
She moved closer, and I watched as she looked into Da’s eyes. ‘What was her name?’
His eyes fell shut and I saw his shoulders sag. ‘Lillian,’ Da said.
‘Did she make you strong?’
He gave a soft laugh, like a breath of air. ‘Of course she did. But she was far stronger than I.’
Ava smiled, and it was sunlight in the night. ‘Her strength is yours now. Did you know that? It is. As is her courage. I bet she was very brave. I know she died to save your daughter, and sacrifice is the bravest thing, and the most everlasting. That’s yours too now, because your bond never broke.’
‘It’s gone,’ he whispered.
‘It’s not,’ Ava said, and suddenly she was fierce. ‘It’s part of you, and it’s making you the strongest person in this world. It’s making you strong enough to live for your children, and strong enough to help us get your son back.’
I could feel Thorne’s heart beating against my back. I turned my head towards him and he pressed his lips to my cheek.
‘Do you want to know a secret?’ Ava asked Alexi softly. ‘It’s simple. The people in your life make it so that when you think of the bond and your mate you will feel only the strength and the courage Lillian gave to you, and you will know that all this pain and death is just an illusion. Live, choose to live, and you will. That’s the secret. It’s easy.’
I watched Da’s eyes fall shut, and then I watched his shoulders straighten and I watched as he looked at the Queen, and I recognised a look in his eyes that I had not seen there for many years. A look I had not seen since before Ma. It was the look I imagined him wearing as he carried those fish through the baths, a look of complete certainty in who and what he was.
‘I’m getting my son back,’ was what he said.
And Ava smiled.
I followed her outside, overwrought. ‘Majesty,’ I called, and she stopped on the stone staircase. She returned to the step above mine, and I looked up at her violet eyes and wolf scar. I thought I understood now why people branded themselves with that mark, ugly as it was. It was her strength they were honouring.
‘Is it really all an illusion?’ I asked.
Ava smiled, that damned smile that I would probably die for if she asked me to. ‘I’ve heard it said that you’re the cleverest girl in Limontae,’ she told me. ‘What do you think?’
‘I don’t think it’s an illusion at all. But I think you are a goddess in disguise.’
She laughed. And then the Queen of Pirenti reached down to kiss me on the cheek, and I felt the truth, I knew all the secrets of her heart, and I loved her even more.
Thorne found me standing there in that same spot on the steps. ‘The miracle of Ava of Orion.’
I smiled, reaching to touch his fingers where they rested on the railing.
‘I want us to make a vow,’ he said. ‘Every single thing that I believe about life and death and love goes into this vow.’
‘No pressure then.’
He levelled me with a stern look. ‘Are you paying attention?’
‘Yes, my darling, you have every scrap of attention I have ever possessed.’
He said simply, ‘If one of us dies, the other lives.’
‘Thorne.’ My eyes shifted gold and I shook my head. ‘No.’ Because in all probability he would be the first to die. We both knew that, him being the walking target he was. So it was very easy for him to say. But I could not live with him dead. I couldn’t.
‘Finn.’ Then the bastard said, ‘I have no desire to live in a world where a man or woman cannot be themselves, wholly themselves, on their own. I defy the idea that I can’t be me without someone else to help.’
‘Oh, shut up,’ I snapped. I shook my head, turning away from him. ‘If it were me?’ I demanded. ‘If you thought it would be me. How would you agree?’
‘For you. So our bond could live on like Alexi and Lillian’s.’
I looked at him. My shoulders sagged for the truth of it. We couldn’t possibly know what would happen. I could die first, for a million different reasons. And if I died first, then I wanted him to live, more than I wanted anything.
So I said, ‘Okay. Yes. But only because when I die I want you to carry me around everywhere with you. In an urn. Or, actually, no – you have to have my body stuffed and mounted in your bedroom, so if you ever wish to move on you’ll feel too guilty and won’t be able to go through with it.’
He erupted into laughter. ‘You are a very, very strange person.’ Thorne climbed up onto my step and pulled me into his arms. ‘Do you know what I foretell will happen?’
‘I thought you hated knowing the future.’
‘I foretell that we will grow old together, and die as one in our sleep when we’re ninety-nine years old.’
I groaned. ‘That sounds boring.’
Thorne smiled. ‘I can smell when you’re lying.’
Thorne
The people of Kaya died in pairs. So did a rare few from Pirenti. We were learning, day by passing day, how very much the same we all were.
But maybe, now, we didn’t need to die in pairs.
We all came to live in the fortress together. Finn’s da Alexi had been rescued before the warder rule could properly take hold. Ma moved in and looked after him every day, her physician’s skills making all the difference to his returning strength, particularly after Ava’s rousing speech. Rose was teaching Finn those skills, I knew, and was pleased with my wife’s progress.
Sometimes I caught them together reciting names of herbs and remedies, and they would glare at me until I left, as if it were secret women’s business.
Falco came to live with us, and I spent as much time with him as I could, seeing all too clearly how impotent he felt as a dethroned ruler, a displaced man without his people. The Kayan Emperor was so broken that I imagined us all to be waiting for him to crack. Surprisingly enough, it was Ella and Sadie who comforted him the most – he was often found seeking out their company, and entering into all sorts of strange projects with them. I once caught the three of them building enormous wooden wings, and shuddered to think what Ambrose would do when he found out.
Osric joined us, and was integral to our plans. He walked the forest with me, teasing me for what he called my ‘beastliness’.
It was true though – I had changed. I felt wilder, more animal. My beast and I were one, because I understood him now. He did not make me kill; he made me strong enough to survive when I had to.
Some days I found it hard to find my way back to my human life, because the hunt called to me day and night. But I did it, every time, and would do so for the rest of my life, because waiting there for me was Finn. My Wild Girl. The perfect answer to all that I was. Love in the dark. A woman who somehow accepted every piece of me, whether it was broken or whole.
She told me the other night that she loved my beast as much as she loved me. I tried not to be jealous, as the smug bastard howled his glee inside me.
Finn had taken the news of Jonah and Penn hard though. She was instrumental in our strategy meetings. Her abundance of energy was poured into her training. She and I would sit with Ava, Ambrose, Falco and Osric through the nights, planning and discussing the workings of our next moves.
What became clear to us on these nights was that we had one important move to make: we had to figure out who the Sparrow was and make contact with him. He was the only chance we had of wresting Kaya back from the warders.
For now Finn and I held each other in the dark and we whispered stories to each other, so that no matter how lost either one of us became in the shadowy depths of our chipped souls, we would hear those words and be tethered to each other.
Nothing would ever change the vow I made her on a winter’s night. The life I
wanted was inside her heart. Always.
‘Thorne! Get your gorgeous behind over here!’
I looked up at Finn and blushed crimson with horror. Did she have to talk about my behind in front of every damn person in the fortress? There was a ripple of laughter throughout the crowd and I sighed.
‘You do have an awfully gorgeous behind,’ Ambrose pointed out, and I smacked him over the head.
We were standing in the trees to watch the first of Finn’s games. These days the fortress of Pirenti was filling up with Kayan refugees fleeing their catastrophically dangerous home country. What I’d been amazed at was the fact that most Pirenti hadn’t made a fuss or argued about it – they’d let it happen with an admirable aplomb.
The refugees were all miserable and scared, of course, so Finn had decided that she knew exactly how to cheer them up. And she’d set out quietly and without fuss to rig up an enormous obstacle course, reminiscent of both the Siren Nights and the tournament in Sancia. The forest beyond the fortress was now full of ropes and ditches and ladders and puzzles. Every person between the ages of five and eighty was permitted to enter, both Kayan and Pirenti, and it was patently clear from the shrieks of laughter that it was a success.
I watched with Ma, Falco, Ava and Ambrose at the front of the crowd of amused onlookers. Under the course stood Finn and Osric, both using their warder magic to ensure no one was hurt.
A few young lads from both countries had just finished, much to their own pride and their friends’ rapturous applause. What was inspired about the course was that it wasn’t about physical strength, which would have made it unfair to the Kayans when having to face their much larger Pirenti opponents. It was about courage, cleverness, agility and athleticism. Anyone – man, woman, Kayan, Pirenti, elderly or child – could win. Well, probably not elderly or child. But they were still enjoying themselves.
I watched as Sadie and Ella stepped up to take their places at the starting line.