XI
SAXTON'S STORY
We seated ourselves around the table in Saxton's bedroom.
"Perez," said Saxton, "you know from the beginning the boy and girl loveaffair between me and Mary Smith. It was no small thing for me. I caredthen and I care now. I think the one thing which stood between Mary andmyself as the greatest point of difference was my trick of strippingthings to the bare facts. She liked romance, whether fact or not; Iliked the romance that lay in fact. She cared for me--that is certain,but some reports when I was about nineteen to the effect that I wasraising the devil, and had led a weak-headed fellow astray with me,seemed to give the girl a permanent twist against me. Now here's thetruth. In our little town we had a number of men who earned comfortablefortunes and then laid back. Their boys, with nothing to do and nothingin their heads, acted as one might suppose. They took to drinking andgambling, not because they were bad but simply to pass the time; thetown was dull enough, God knows. Pretty soon the wilder crowd became anopen scandal. Among them were some of my best friends, and I went with'em, with as sincere a desire to line 'em up with decency again as anylong-faced deacon in the town; but instead of spouting piety, I thoughtI would play their game until I could get 'em to play mine, that is, Itook a drink with 'em, and I played some poker with 'em, all the whiletrying to show the strongest head and the most checks when it came to'cash-up' in the poker game. I felt that if I could beat 'em, what Isaid would go.
"There was one mean scoundrel in the bunch--a hypocrite to the marrow.He really was to blame for the worst outbreaks, but he pulled the longface when among respectable people. I wanted to get the best of thatlad. If you're going to lead drinking men and gamblers, you've got to bethe best drinker and the best card player in the bunch. The rest wereempty-headed boys, who'd have taken up religion as quickly as faro bank,if some one led 'em to it. Well, I think I'd won out, if my friend thehypocrite, who was foxy enough in his way, hadn't back-capped me, bytelling the town the evil of my ways. The first break was with myfather. The news came to him carefully prepared. When I tried to explainmy side, the disgusted incredulity of his face stopped me almost beforeI began. Father gave me my choice: to leave his house or to leave thecompany I kept. I cannot bear to be doubted. I made a choice. I leftboth the house and the company I kept. Father had been good to me;knowing how he felt, I would not disgrace him. Then I made my livingwith my fiddle.
"Mary at first believed in me, but they talked her out of it. If she'ddoubted of her own mind, I wouldn't have cared so much, but to know meas she did, and then prefer the word of outsiders--well, I roared at herlike a maniac; it was much like now, as sweetly reasonable and all. Nowonder the girl was frightened. I haven't a doubt she felt thatentertaining an interest for me was little better than criminal. At thesame time the interest was there, and, like myself, she took a middlecourse by plunging with what heart she could into a dreary andhide-bound church. I drove her to it, and I paid the bill. If I couldbring one half the sense into my own affairs that I can into someoutside thing, I suppose I should sometime succeed. A little coaxing, anappeal for sympathy,--any show of gentleness on my part might havebrought her round.--As we are, we are. I demanded, and here am I.
"I made it up with father afterwards; he didn't understand, but hebelieved. You see I wouldn't take a cent from him. He offered me money,but I said flat that as I didn't please him, I wouldn't take it. Fatherhad been a business man all his days, and money had become his measure.If I refused money I meant business. That's no sneer--a good old man wasmy father. But Mary stood me off. When I'm not despairing, I know shecares. I have learned how much conventions mean to a woman--well, Idon't blame 'em. I wish I had a few conventions against which I couldlean and rest this minute. Then comes a man named Belknap--"
"Why, I have just met him, Saxton," said I.
"Did you, Bill? I am thankful for it. I have gotten so my heart achesfor facts to back me. What is your judgment on the gentleman?"
"Smooth as a sausage skin," says I.
"All of that," says Saxton; "he is one subtle scoundrel."
"But he isn't so hard to get on to, neither!"
"For a man, no," says Saxton; "but Belknap has information that you, norPerez, nor I, nor any man who is a man has, and that is the differencebetween a woman's thinking and a man's thinking. We know a man willswallow all manner of guff in politics; he'll buy a gold brick from acheap blatherskite. That sort of thing is man's folly. I don't pretendto understand women's follies, but Belknap does. He can talk suchnonsense to a seemingly sensible woman that you fancy she's laughing athim, and behold! when you look to see the smile, you find the lady intears.
"When he came into the game he was young. He took an instant interest inMary, and at once used his smooth tongue, and his perfect knowledge of awoman's character, to win her. He worked through her vanity, through hervirtues, and through all the avenues his peculiar intelligence opened tohim. He gained her attention from the first, and now his power over heris something horrible to me. Again, had it not been my own affair, howeasily I could have beaten him! If only my head and not my heart were init--yet, I do not care for the game when my heart isn't in it, so whereI don't care, I don't even try. This makes a jolly life.
"Our friend, Belknap, has a great work to do, converting these heathenCatholics to the Protestant faith, for which he has schools andmissions, and for which also he needs teachers, and later, a wife, soMary leaves home for here. Of course, he hasn't breathed a word ofanything but the Great Work, and his lonely struggle, and queer as itis, and scoundrel that he is, I know he partly believes in himself.Sentimental advances would frighten her off. He bides his time, does Mr.Spider, and lets habit of mind crush out all the girl's naturalinstincts until she has no resource but him."
"I thought you said he was of a deep understanding in regard to thewomen?" said Perez.
"He is."
"And he will suppress the natural feelings?"
"Yes."
"Mine has been a lonely life, Arthur, of reality," said Perez; "_you_are my affection--but when the Senor Belknap has suppressed the naturalfeelings of any woman, he has but to ask, and my store, and my ranches,and my cattle are his."
Saxton shook his head wearily. "You don't know him, Enrique."
"I have interrupt," said Perez; "pardon!"
"There is this much more," said Saxton. "On the trip across I saw I hadregained some of my standing in Mary's eyes, enough, at least, to sendme up into cloudland. My heart went out to every creature I saw, and Icertainly was a fool not to know I'd do something idiotic. I did it. Onenight, walking from the store, a woman stopped and spoke to me.Ordinarily I would have pushed on as easily as might be, but in thiswoman a hint of delicacy still lingered. There was something in her facethat shone like the last of day, in the way she carried herself, in theway she held her head, there was still womanly pride; in short, she wasthe one out of a thousand for whom there is hope. She came straight tome out of the crowd, with the same faith a dog has often shown me. Thatis the kind of thing against which I am defenseless, and I am glad ofit. Her story was short, plain, honest. She excused nothing, she made noattempt to put herself in a better light. No man could have talkedsquarer or more to the point; she was tired of the life she led, she hadan impulse to change, she did not know whether the impulse would last ornot, she had not a cent, but if I would help her she would make aneffort. No man with a heart in his body is going to refuse an appeallike that. You know I am not quite a boy to be fooled by whining. Irealized the chances against her lasting out, and so did she. The thingwas genuine, whatever the result. It appeared to me that to hand hermoney as you'd throw a plate of cold fodder to a tramp, was not just theproper course of a man who thought of himself as a gentleman. Also Iadmit that I fancied myself standing as somewhat of a hero in Mary'seyes. So I treated my poor new friend as though she were a decent woman.I never preached at her,--I had had enough of preaching,--but simplygave her a 'good day,' and if a kind word once in a while had anyweight
, she got it. There was nothing in all this I could not haveexplained to Mary to my own credit. I did not like the kind of thingthat woman stood for. She had no attraction for me in any way, shape, ormanner, but Mr. Belknap saw his opportunity. He has this town plasteredwith spies; your house is no safeguard against his meddling. When hefound out, he gave Mary a revised edition of my conduct. I can imaginehim doing it--his sorrowfully deploring my fall; the insinuations moredamaging than any bald statement; the sighs and half-finished sentences.He had the start and he used it well. When I next went to see Mary I gota queer reception; among other pleasant things, she said my coming wasan insult, and for the soft answer that turneth away wrath she repliedthat I had degraded myself beyond hope, when I asked her what in theworld was the matter. Of course, I went crazy on the instant; thesurprise of it took away what little sense I had. A minute's time and Imight have gathered wits to present my case--"
Here old Sax got excited again. He looked at both of us, as if hethought that we doubted him.
"I tell you again," he said, "that that other woman was nothing to me atall, except a poor pitiful creature that I would have been a brute notto help. I am speaking honestly as a man to his two friends--"
"Arthur," said Perez, "to me you need never justify, need never explain;if you say so, that is all, the rest is wasted time."
"Here, too," says I.
It would stagger anybody to see how poor Saxton wanted us to believehim. I began to see how he had poisoned his life. He looked at us verythankfully, but tears came into his eyes. He tried to go on in the calmway, but his throat was husky. Then he swore out free and felt better.
"To save time, I believe you in turn," he said. "Another of my tricks isto wish to be believed in myself, and yet always doubt other people.Well, I lost my grip; I cannot remember all I said to Mary, but I caneasily remember that it was all unpleasant. I simply improved on theAlmighty's handiwork by making a longer-eared jackass of myself than Iwas intended to be, winding up as a masterstroke by attacking Belknap.It was only two days before, Perez, that Orinez had told me the otherside of Belknap's Great Work; of how he was undoing all that you andOrinez had done for the salvation of this unlucky country, by startingup a revolution in order that a lot of poor devils might be killed forhis private benefit. I laid it on hard in my fury, and Mary told me toleave. She said she didn't want to be a witness of my descending so lowas to attack an honorable man behind his back,--and then I came away.The Lord knows I have no memory of that walk home; everything that wasbad in my blood came out. Honest, I fought--that is to say, I had lucidintervals of an hour or so, but every day my sense wore blunt under thegrind of despair. It was a disease; it would come on me in waves like anague fit. I really suffered physically; I lost every bit of decency thatever was in me; I became a God-forsaken, devil-ridden brute; a quart ofFrench brandy a day did me no especial good, and yet I loved the stufffor the time. Well, the disease, like any disease, had to reach itsclimax. It came when I started to strike you, Henry--that was the limitof meanness for any living man. Then old Bill here took hold of me, andsqueezed what was left of the obsession out of me with the first hug ofhis arms. For the expulsion of devils, I recommend your long flippers,Bill, my boy....
"I am not going to apologize to you, Henry, nor to Bill. If I didn'tfeel something more than any apology could make good, I wouldn't beworth your trouble. But right here I shift."
We sat still. Seldom you see a man take out his soul: when that happens,it is usually a kind of indecent exposure. A man must shake everyglimmer of vanity out.
Old Saxton stood out naked and unashamed like a statue. Nobody feltembarrassed. I was too young to appreciate it fully, although I did in ameasure. I saw that all he wanted was to be honest. Not a word alteredto win either sympathy or approval for himself. I suppose that is theway the woman he spoke of attracted him.
Perez spoke very gently and cautiously.
"This is all strange to me, Arthur," he said; "I am trying tounderstand. You seem so strong, of the head so remarkably clear andcapable, that it is a difficulty to understand this trouble. I ask now,if you put a restraint upon yourself, will not--pardon, you know I onlyask for good--"
Sax threw both arms in the air. "For God's sake, and for both our sakes,Henry, don't quiddle with courtesy--slam out with it! I've lost allright to consideration--you can only give me self-respect by showing youbelieve me man enough to hear what you have to say."
That slow smile lit up Perez's eyes. "Quite right, Arthur," he said."'_Me he equivocado_'--this, then: If you restrain yourself, like thevolcano, will you not break out somewhere new?"
"Not so long as I keep my grip on facts: I'm safe when I can say, 'I'mgetting crazy again.' The saying restores my sanity. Having no one tosay it to, I run amuck."
"You have that friend," said Perez. He stopped a minute. "I would nothave you hold yourself, if that would do you harm, Arthur; but now Isay, take yourself in the hand strong, for of my life the bitterest timewas when you raised your arm at me."
Saxton's face jerked and then grew still. "Come, boys!" he said, rollinga handful of cigars on the table. "Smoke."
I never saw any one who could get himself and friends in and out oftrouble like Saxton. In five minutes we were laughing and talking asthough nothing unusual had occurred. That's what I call strength ofmind. It wasn't that Sax couldn't feel if he let himself, Heaven knows.It was that he could shut down so tight, when roused to it, that he_wouldn't_ feel, nor you, neither.
At the same time there was a pity for him aching at the bottom of myheart, and when Perez and I left him to walk home together a remarkPerez made started the Great Scheme into operation.
"The girl _must_ care for him," said Perez. "His erraticality! Bah! Whatwoman cares for that, so long that the strangeness is in the way offeeling, and not in the way of non-feeling? Women desire that theiradmirer shall be of some romance. And with that beautiful poet face; thefine manner; the grace of body and of mind--that unusual beautiful whichis he and no other--you tell me that any woman shall see that lay at herfeet and not be moved? _Tonteria!_ I believe it not. When the story ofthat other woman arrived to Senorita Maria's ear what is it she feel?The religious abhorrence? The violation of taste? Perhaps, but much morea thing she does not know herself, that monster of the green eye, calledJealousy--believe me, Senor Saunders, the man who look sees more of theplay. It is so. Mees Mary may feel bad in many way, but when she willlisten to the explanation not at all, her worst feel bad is jealousy."
I don't want to lay claim for myself as a great student of mankind, yetideas to that effect had begun to peek around the corner of my skull. Itseemed to me that Mary felt altogether too _hot_ sorry and not enoughresigned sorry for it to be a case of friendly interest.
"I guess you're right, Mr. Perez," said I, "and if we could only get Saxto bust through her ideas, as I busted through his to-day--"
"_Perfectamente!_" cried Perez, slapping me on the back. "It is thesame; obsession, Arthur called it. It is that and no other. This Belknaphas so played upon her mind that it is not her mind; it is a meexture ofsome ideas she has, and what he wishes her to be. If she could have anarm of that rude strength like your own--but," he shrugged hisshoulders, "it is a lady, and there is nothing."
"I'm not so darned sure about that," says I, little particles of a planslowly settling in the mud-puddle I call my mind. "I'm not so hunky-dorypositive.... If I could get holt of something against that cussedBelknap,--something that would look bad to a woman,--I'd risk it."
Perez brightened right up. "You have something thought about?" he asked,eager. "Do not go to the hotel to-night. Let me be your host--we areright at the door--_Su casa_, Senor--let me offer my littleentertainment, and we shall to talk further--will you not let it be so?"
I liked Perez and I wanted to talk as much as he did. "Much obliged,"says I; "I hate a hotel, anyhow." So in we went.