“I feel,” he whispered, gravely. I made the mistake of glancing up into his face, which was so angelically beautiful—even if it hid a monster. He remained a creature of the dark that preyed on the weak not only for his sustenance, but to dehumanize them.
“You feel nothing,” I said, narrowing my eyes and glaring at him. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, but at this point I didn’t care.
His eyes were white.
His hold on my arms tightened as he gazed down at me. There was a curious expression on his face that I’d never seen before, something that seemed pensive, haunted, maybe even pained. “Look into my eyes and tell me again I do not feel anything,” he demanded.
I swallowed hard and glared at him. “You manipulated me. You wanted nothing more than to exploit me so you could control the monarchy.” I swallowed down a lump of regret and closed my eyes, willing my tears to subside. I opened them and found his gaze still riveted on mine. “You never cared about me. And the worst part of the whole stupid thing is that I thought we were friends, Sinjin. I thought you cared enough about me as a friend to never even consider doing everything you did.”
“No,” he started and emphatically shook his head.
“Don’t belittle me, Sinjin, it’s too late,” I said, trying to free myself from his grasp. He refused to release me.
“I am not belittling you,” he started but I wouldn’t listen to him.
My eyes burned as I glowered at him. “I know you now for exactly what you are and I … I hate you.”
For the first time ever, I saw a look of shock on Sinjin’s face. He dropped my arms and I stepped away from him. He said nothing more. And there really wasn’t anything more I either needed or wanted to say, so I started for my car. The tears were pouring from my eyes, and I felt like I needed to throw up.
“Did you think I would allow you to leave on that note?” he asked and I felt the coldness of his body right behind me. He gripped my arms again and yanked me around until I was facing him. I felt the air catch in my throat because there was just something … off about him. It took me a few seconds to recognize the expression in his eyes as desperation. That was when it struck me—Sinjin knew everything he had worked so hard for was about to fall through the proverbial cracks.
But I didn’t care. I refused to care.
“Let go of me,” I seethed.
“Jolie, you do not understand,” he said, his tone unequivocal, as his grip on my arms tightened. “You do not understand my reasons for what I did.”
I shook my head and tried to extricate myself from his grasp, but his hands were like manacles. “You aren’t going to talk yourself out of this one, Sinjin,” I spat at him. “I know you for what you are, what you’ve been all along. I was just too stupid to pay attention even when you warned me yourself.” I laughed incredulously. “I won’t make the same mistake twice.”
“Allow me to explain,” he began.
“I’m not about to listen to you try to make this into something it isn’t and never was.” I took a deep breath, and when it appeared he had no intention of releasing me, I decided to pull rank on him. “As your Queen, I demand you release me.”
He gritted his teeth and said nothing.
“I order you to release me,” I repeated, realizing this errand had been a total waste of time. Sinjin would never admit the truth. If I were lucky enough to even get an explanation out of him, it would be biased, spun to make him out to be the good guy. I’d completely wasted my time.
“Is this how it will be between us, then?” he demanded, his fangs suddenly growing longer.
I held my chin up high and nodded. “Yes, Sinjin, this is how it will be between us. I am your sovereign and you are my subject.” I never relished saying anything more than I did those words.
Sinjin said nothing but nodded and released me. I rubbed the blood back into my arms and caught my breath as I stared at him. There was one more piece of business we needed to discuss. And I wasn’t about to back down now. “As your Queen, I order you to return with me to the present time—the time before Mercedes sent you back here.”
He swallowed hard. “And how will you execute that without the prophetess?”
I smiled. “I have my ways.”
He remained silent for a few seconds, just staring at me with an expression that defied description. It was like he was holding back—whatever words were on the tip of his tongue were stifled by his mouth.
“And when will our journey begin?” He glanced at the sky. “Dawn is near.”
I nodded and hoped Rand and Mathilda would be ready. “Tonight.”
“Very well.”
“I want your word, Sinjin,” I said. “I want your word that you won’t skip out on your responsibilities and you’ll show up tonight at my house as soon as the sun goes down.”
He eyed me forlornly but then simply nodded. “You have my word.”
I wasn’t sure why, because I shouldn’t have trusted Sinjin even remotely, considering the facts, but I believed him.
Figuring my mission was accomplished, I exhaled a pent-up breath and turned on my toes, heading for the Jetta.
“Everything that happened, every decision I made was to protect you,” he said to my back.
I stopped walking and turned around to face him. “I would think you’d respect me enough not to feed me such a line of bullshit.”
Sinjin’s face was unreadable. “That is the truth. I never wanted to control or manipulate you. I merely acted as my role as sentry dictated. I was, am, and forever will be your protector.”
And that was when all the anger and sadness hit me with the force of a truck. “You never wanted to manipulate me?” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “Then why the hell did you make me fall in love with you and why the … fuck did you sleep with me?” I shook my head, hating the reminder.
Sinjin’s expression didn’t change. “Both events were logical outcomes of our closeness.”
I shook my head. “Logical outcomes? Listen to how cold that sounds.” I took a deep breath. “Sinjin, I wish you would just admit the truth for once and stop acting like I’m stupid.”
“I am telling you the truth,” he answered, his voice sounding suddenly tight.
“Please, Sinjin,” I said, my voice cracking. “I’m not an idiot, contrary to what you obviously believe.” Then I started for the car again.
“Whatever you think of my motivations is not true,” he called out after me. “Everything I did was for you …”
But I didn’t stop; I didn’t even falter.
When I returned home, it was still dark. I probably had two hours of night left, and then the sun would crawl into her rightful place in the sky and I’d have one day left of what I now considered the present time. Was I worried about returning to the future? Yes, of course. As much as I trusted in Rand’s and Mathilda’s powers, abilities, and knowledge, there would always exist that undercurrent of doubt. That was just human nature.
When I pulled into my garage and turned the car off, I found myself zoning out again—as if I couldn’t motivate myself to unbuckle my seat belt, open the door, and make my way into my house. I just felt exhausted, but at the same time adrenaline was pumping through me. Why? Because of Sinjin. I just had a sea of emotions roaring through me—anger and betrayal and, as much as it pained me to admit it, love. But all in all, seeing him had been good for me because it had, in a way, granted me closure. Even though he hadn’t satisfactorily explained the reasons he’d manipulated both time and me, it didn’t even matter, at this point. Maybe there was just a part of me that needed him to know I was completely aware of everything that had happened and there was no way I’d let him get away with it. And now that he knew, I felt like I could lick my wounds and heal. I could return to the future and be the Queen I needed to be. And what was even more important, I could be the woman Rand needed me to be.
Sinjin, without even realizing it, had allowed me to get on with my life.
Jolie.
It was Rand’s voice in my head.
I am so glad to hear your voice, I thought in response, feeling an overwhelming sense of warmth suffusing me. Rand was the one man whom I could openly trust, the one man who would never harm me. And it was his face that I pictured now and his face that I suddenly yearned to see.
I know you wanted some alone-time but I could feel that your mind was awake so I just wanted to make sure you were all right.
I felt myself beam. Rand had the ability to send mental mind feelers, as he called them, to see when I was awake and asleep. But that wasn’t what made me all gushy inside. It was just nice to know that there was someone out there who genuinely cared about me, who wanted to ensure I was safe. Someone who sincerely loved me …
Thank you, Rand.
Thank you? And I wasn’t sure how he did it but somehow his laugh transferred over our mind connection. His chuckle was deep and hearty and I loved the sound of it.
Thank you for always protecting me and believing in me and … for loving me just as I am.
He was silent for a few seconds. Jolie, you don’t have to thank me for any of that. It just is.
Well, I’m thanking you anyway.
Is everything okay? he asked and then paused. I’m worried about you.
I quietly considered the question. Things are as good as they can be, given the situation. And as I finally unlocked the seat belt and opened my car door, I realized I was walking into my dark and lonely house, a thought that depressed me more than it should have. Rand?
Yes?
I paused, wondering exactly where he was. Are you still in the fae village?
No, I’m in a Hyatt up the street.
Up the street? I asked in surprise as something incredibly happy burst inside me. He was so close …
You know my worrisome nature; I didn’t want to be so far from you in case something happened and you … needed me.
You should have just stayed with me, silly, I started.
No, you needed your space and I was happy to oblige you.
Oh, I thought and then took a deep breath, asking, Well, I’ve had enough of my space for the time being. Do you want to … come over?
I’d be happy to, he answered automatically, as if he’d been waiting for me to ask all along.
I smiled and, shutting the car door behind me, started for my house, feeling suddenly elated again. Thank you, I whispered in my mind. I absolutely meant it.
When I heard the knock on the front door twenty minutes later, I wasted no time in opening it. I just needed to see Rand, to throw my arms around him and tell him how much he meant to me, how much he’d always meant to me. I needed to wipe away the fact that I’d wounded him deeply and let him know how much I loved him.
I threw open the door and felt my breath catch when I beheld him. He was just so beautiful, so good. I stood there for a few minutes, staring at him, not able to say anything. He was wearing an off-white pullover sweater and dark blue jeans. His hair looked as if he’d just gotten it cut and he was freshly shaven, revealing the incredible lines of his jaw and the dimple in his chin.
“I never get used to how amazingly beautiful you are,” I whispered.
“Me?” he said, smiling in surprise. “You’re the one who makes my heart speed up every time I see you.” He held his arms out and I rushed into them, wanting nothing more than to feel his warmth, inhale his spicy scent, and relish the sense of safety I always felt in his embrace. I rested my head against his chest, feeling like I was home, that Rand’s arms were the only place I ever belonged or wanted to be.
“You don’t know how much I’ve missed you,” he said as he kissed the top of my head.
I pulled away from him and took his hand as I led him into my house, closing the door behind us. “I’m so sorry for everything that’s happened, Rand,” I said, shaking my head, loathing the guilt that was nearly choking me. “I never meant to hurt you, and I hate myself for doing it.”
He glanced at me and took a seat on my sofa. “Jolie, you were honest with me. That’s all I’ve ever asked of you.”
I sat down beside him and took his hand in mine. “I know, but it kills me when I think about how you must be feeling.”
He smiled sweetly, shaking his head. “It is what it is. It’s not your fault that Sinjin used you to further his own ends.”
I felt my stomach sink at his words, but they were the truth—Sinjin had used me to further his own ends, and that was exactly what I needed to focus on to heal the pain that still pulled me apart. Putting my anger aside for the moment, I focused on Rand again and noticed he was quiet, wholly focused on his hands, watching them knot into fists.
“I’ve dealt with my issues with Sinjin,” I said softly, suddenly realizing how angry Rand was over the whole situation. As much as it pained me to hear that Sinjin exploited me for his own benefit, I was suddenly aware that it hurt Rand just as much to say it.
He glanced up at me, a question in his eyes. “What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath, knowing he wasn’t going to like this part. “I saw him earlier.”
He sat up straight, his eyes piercing as he stared down at me. “We were going to wait until daylight, I thought?”
I shook my head and stood up, walking to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I got one for Rand as well. After I filled each glass with ice and water, I braced myself and confronted Rand. His eyes were imploring, as if it was taking all his patience to sit quietly while I worked up my nerve to tell him what happened. “I couldn’t wait, Rand,” I admitted and then added, “I also didn’t follow our plan.”
Rand smirked as if he found the information as amusing as it was frustrating and raised a brow. “Why am I not surprised?”
I smiled at him in response and carried the glasses of water back over to my coffee table, putting mine down on a coaster while I handed Rand his. “I just couldn’t pretend that I didn’t know what he’d done,” I rationalized. “I just couldn’t give him the luxury of believing I was still ignorant, Rand. I wanted him to know that I was fully aware of what a total and complete asshole he is.”
He nodded as if he couldn’t find fault with the situation. “So what happened?”
I shrugged, memories of a few hours ago returning in a deluge of images. “I asked him why he did it but, of course, he refused to tell me.”
“So he now knows you have your memories?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
Rand stood up and ran his hands through his hair, showing that he was agitated, and started pacing back and forth. It was the same thing he always did when he was upset or frustrated. “Then he’s going to try to leave town, now that he knows what our agenda is.”
I shook my head even as I realized he wouldn’t believe what I was about to say. “He gave me his word he wouldn’t.”
Rand turned to face me and there was surprise and irritation etched on his face. “His word, Jolie? His word is meaningless!”
I nodded, but I was steadfast in believing Sinjin wouldn’t pull a fast one on me, on us. “I believe him, Rand. I told him to come to my house tonight at dusk and we would make our attempt to go home.”
He glanced at me and exhaled, shaking his head at my apparent naïveté. “Then there is nothing left to do but wait and see if he keeps his word. I absolutely intend to be here, if and when he shows up,” he said and took a deep breath. He was obviously being incredibly sweet for my sake; I could tell he thought I’d just made a huge mistake. “Or perhaps we should go after him in the daylight and just take him with us, as originally planned.”
I shook my head, well aware that the time for that plan was long gone because Sinjin was also. “No, he isn’t living in his house anymore, and I don’t know where his daytime resting place is.”
Rand nodded and took a seat on my couch again, drumming his fingers along the top of his knee. “Then we will stick with your plan,” he said and offered me an encouraging, hopeful smile. But I could tell he imagined it
would take a miracle for Sinjin to actually keep his word and show up. Well, we’d have to see … “So it wasn’t a wasted trip then?”
I shook my head as I considered it. “No, it wasn’t. I got what I needed.” I glanced at the glass in my hand, watching as the ice cracked in the water, beginning to melt. I looked up at Rand again and noticed that his eyes were narrowed on me. “I got closure.”
His jaw was tight as he studied me. “I could kill him for hurting you.”
I took a sip of my water, swallowing down any residual pain with thoughts of Sinjin. “What’s done is done. It’s in the past and we have an incredible future to look forward to together,” I said with a smile.
I now wanted to focus only on what could be instead of what wasn’t. Rand was absolutely the man for me. I knew we could be happy together.
He nodded and returned the smile but I could tell his mind was elsewhere, probably still on Sinjin if I had to guess. Then something must have occurred to him and he glanced up at me resolutely. “We could spare you all this pain, Jolie.”
“What?” I asked, eyeing him with surprise. “What do you mean?”
He nodded again, as if the idea were becoming more appealing to him. “Mathilda and I could erase your memories of what Sinjin did. You would never remember you were ever … in love with him.” He said the last four words like they caused a sour taste in his mouth.
I thought about it for a good few seconds because it did sound attractive—erase the anger and the pain and be able to think about Sinjin the way I always used to—as nothing more than a flirt. But then I knew I could never agree to it. I shook my head. “I can’t. I need to know, I need to remember what Sinjin did, so I never trust him again. I need to recognize him for what he is.”
Rand smiled at me as if to say he understood. “I just hate seeing you in pain.”
I patted his hand. “I’m going to be okay, Rand. I just need time, that’s all. And what’s more, now that I know what Sinjin is capable of, I know the risk he poses.”
“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer,” he said and nodded.