I take a deep breath and let it out loudly. I feel so drained, I can’t believe I have any tears left in me, but suddenly my eyes are stinging with a fresh onslaught. I tense at the sound of the living-room doors sliding open and hurriedly dry my eyes with the sleeve of my jumper before Barney or Phoenix can see me. But, when I cast a look over my shoulder, I see that it’s only Johnny.
‘Hey,’ he says heavily, as he approaches. He slides onto the bench beside me. ‘You OK?’
I take another deep, shaky breath.
‘Stupid question,’ he answers before I can respond. To my surprise, he reaches over and places his hand on top of mine. ‘I know I fucked up,’ he says in a low voice, and I note with alarm that his hand is shaking. ‘And I’m sorry.’
‘You didn’t,’ I begin to protest.
‘I did, and I’m sorry,’ he says again.
‘But I loved having my friends here,’ I insist.
‘I know. And I should have stuck to that. I don’t know what I was thinking when I planned that party last night.’ He sniffs. ‘I guess I was trying to take your mind off everything, but that wasn’t what you needed. I should’ve known better.’ He brushes at his eyes and I’m astonished when it dawns on me that he’s actually crying. ‘I’ve been there myself,’ he adds. ‘I know what it’s like.’
Johnny lost his own mum to cancer when he was just thirteen. ‘The firsts are the worst, the seconds are bad, but it does get easier,’ he promises, in a choked voice.
A river of tears trek down my face as he takes his hand away from mine and wraps his arm round my shoulders, pulling me close to his side.
‘I’m so sorry, Jess,’ he whispers against the top of my head. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t know better.’
I want to tell him that it’s OK, but I’m crying too hard.
This weekend I’ve turned to Stu, to Jack, to Libby and to Tom when I’ve sought comfort, but this time it’s my real dad who comes through for me. He’s warm, strong and solid and I feel a lot better once my tears begin to dry up. He still holds me, though, rocking me, for a long time afterwards.
‘I don’t know how you feel about this,’ he says, still close to tears. ‘But could we look at your photo albums together? I’m guessing you brought them back with you after Christmas?’
The knot inside my stomach pulls tighter.
Johnny asked once before if he could see some pictures of my mum – Candy, the one-time rock chick who fell for him when he was in Fence. He confided that he’d started to fall for her, too, but he pushed her away and she ran for the hills. Neither of them knew that she was already pregnant with me.
I don’t know how different my life would be right now if she’d told him about me at the time, instead of keeping her secret from everyone, bar Stu, her then best friend and ex-boyfriend. She was terrified that if she did come clean, she might lose me.
I nod, knowing that, however painful it’s going to be, I need to immerse myself in my memories – at least for today.
Barney and Phoenix are nowhere to be seen when we go inside, and I’m grateful to Meg for keeping them occupied. Knowing her, she counselled Johnny to come outside to speak to me. I shouldn’t blame him for being a bit hopeless. There’s still a lot we’re getting used to – both of us. This is a journey we’re on together.
In my bedroom I go to my wardrobe and pull out the albums I brought back to LA with me, and return to my bed where Johnny is waiting. We sit side by side, turning the pages.
‘This is in the park near our home,’ I say, tracing my fingers across the first two photos of Mum. It’s the middle of winter and she’s wearing a thick coat, her dark hair partly covered up with a chunky purple hat. The rest of her hair flows down across her shoulders. She’s smiling straight at the camera in one photograph and looking off to her right in another.
Johnny stares at the pictures with a strange expression on his face, a mixture of fascination and sadness.
I turn the page, trying to swallow the lump in my throat and giving up as more tears stream down my face.
‘And this is us in Windsor.’ We’re standing arm in arm with Windsor Castle behind us, smiling at Stu, who’s taking the shot. We’d gone there for a day trip – I was only about twelve.
A couple of pages later, I gulp back a sob at the sight of my thirteen-year-old self lying across Mum’s lap on the sofa. I’m fast asleep, but she’s smiling up at Stu with shining eyes, her hand resting gently on my face.
She always had cold hands…
Johnny wraps his arm round me as we both break down. ‘She loved you so much,’ he says, between sobs.
‘I know,’ I gasp.
‘I’m so sorry you lost her. So, so sorry.’
He gathers me against his chest and holds me tight while I cry.
Somehow we make it through both of the photo albums and afterwards I feel oddly free, lighter, like the knot in my stomach is starting to unravel.
What’s more, I feel closer to Johnny than I ever have.
‘Are you hungry?’ he asks gently. ‘I think Eddie’s left pizza in the fridge.’
The mention of Eddie makes me remember something else.
‘Chocolate cake!’ I exclaim. ‘Is there any left?’
‘Are you kidding?’ he asks with a wry grin. ‘There’s a mountain of it. We’ll be eating it for weeks.’
‘Thank you for asking him to make it,’ I finally think to say. ‘It looked amazing.’
‘I’m glad you liked it,’ he replies downheartedly.
I feel a surge of pity for him. He may not have got everything spot on, but his heart was in the right place.
‘OK, that’s it,’ I say, getting down from the bed and adopting a no-nonsense tone. ‘I’ve had enough of feeling sorry for myself for one weekend. Let’s go and get the boys and Meg together for a cup of tea and a piece of cake.’
‘Good plan.’ We walk together to the door and he opens it. ‘At least this weekend has taken your mind off one thing,’ he says as he stands back to let me walk out first.
‘What?’ I ask, looking back at him.
‘Your first day of school,’ he says with a wink.
Gulp.
Chapter 6
The intention was for Davey or Sam to drive me to and from school every day, but on Tuesday morning Johnny comes to me with my Burberry biker jacket and a brand-new plan.
‘Seriously?’ I say with a grin as he hands me my helmet. ‘You want me to go into school with helmet hair?’
He raises one eyebrow. ‘You care about that?’
‘No,’ I reply with a grin, sliding my hands into the cool material of my jacket. It warms up almost immediately against my skin.
Turning up for my first day at a new school on the back of my legendary rock-star dad’s motorbike? Why the hell not?
Barney doesn’t start back at nursery until next week so he, Meg and Phee come outside to wave us off.
Johnny stands in front of me as I pull my helmet over my head and tuck my loose hair into my jacket. He fastens my helmet for me and checks the fit, his green eyes especially piercing because he’s wearing a helmet himself and they’re all I can see of his face. Satisfied, he climbs onto his shiny black Ducati and pats the seat behind him. I know what I’m doing now, so I stand on the footrest with my right foot, swing my left leg over the back of the bike, and sit down.
‘You look like a proper biker chick,’ Meg says with a grin.
My corresponding laugh is drowned out by the sound of the engine firing up.
‘Have a good first day!’ she shouts.
‘BYE!’ Barney waves manically and Phoenix copies him.
I wave and smile at them both and then Johnny and I flip down our visors at exactly the same time. I see Meg laugh and shake her head with amusement before we drive out of the garage and down the long, winding drive.
Lewis opens the gates as we approach, and then we’re on the road and tearing round the hills.
My new school is about a twenty-minute
drive away in Coldwater Canyon, so I relax into the ride, the thrill temporarily replacing the nerves in my stomach. But, as soon as we pull up outside, they’re back in force. I climb down from the bike and Johnny takes off his helmet, raking his hand through his dark-blond hair and gazing at me with a grin.
‘Want me to walk you up?’ he asks, a twinkle in his eye.
I shake my head. ‘No, it’s alright.’
‘Sam will be back for you at three,’ he tells me.
‘Jack’s driving Agnes and me to the coffee shop,’ I remind him with a frown.
‘Then Sam will follow you.’
My heart sinks at the note of finality in his tone. I nod. My safety is not up for negotiation. I suppose that’s a good thing.
His shoulders relax. I think he was expecting an argument. He grins at me. ‘Good luck, then.’
‘Thanks.’
He leans down, offering his cheek. ‘Humour your old man with a kiss.’
I plant a swift kiss on his cheek and he steps away, grinning.
He nods behind me as he puts his helmet back on.
I glance over my shoulder to see groups of people dotted around, most of them looking our way.
‘Embarrassing…’ I mutter under my breath.
Johnny chuckles and flicks his visor down, revving the engine. He screeches away from the kerb.
‘That’s one way to make an exit,’ I hear a girl say, as I watch him ride away. I turn to see Margarita Ramirez, the child star turned sexy pop starlet, standing nearby. Is she talking to me? I have a quick look around, just to be sure.
She smiles. ‘Hey, Jessie. First day at school today, right?’
‘That’s right.’ I nod, trying to unfreeze my rabbit-caught-in-the-headlights expression.
‘I can show you to the office, if you like?’ she says.
Margarita Ramirez is offering to show me around? Natalie would have a fit.
‘Thanks,’ I reply, trying to be cool.
‘Hey, Jessie!’ I hear someone else call, as we walk towards the school buildings.
‘Hi, Jenna!’ I call back, spying the tiny blonde TV star standing with her brother Justin and a few others I vaguely recognise.
‘Hey, little Miss Jefferson,’ Justin says.
My chest contracts at the sound of Johnny’s surname as I return his wave. I’m still officially Jessie Pickerill, but I’m going to have to accept that being a Jefferson will make things a whole lot less complicated.
‘She’ll be starring in her own show next,’ I hear a familiar voice drawl, looking over my shoulder at Lottie, who’s tutting good-naturedly at Justin’s reference to her show, Little Miss Mulholland.
I grin and embrace her. It’s good to see someone I’ve met more than just the once.
Lottie is a junior and in Eleventh Grade which, confusingly, is the year above me, even though I’m in Year Eleven back home. Unfortunately we won’t share any lessons, but Agnes, who was one of the youngest in Lottie’s year, got held back and is still a sophomore like me. She had a tough time when her parents split. Her dad used to mess around a lot – much like my dad did – and he and her mum finally got a divorce. Her mum remarried, but that marriage broke down, too, and her parents ended up getting back together. Sadly, her dad soon went back to his old ways and they split up again, with her mum marrying Stepdad Number Two. Jack told me all about it. They’re his parents, too, of course.
What Tom said about him isn’t true: Jack wouldn’t have opened his heart to me about his family situation if he didn’t care about me.
I guess only time will tell how much.
The day flies by. I’m increasingly grateful to Johnny for throwing me that party because, even though it went a bit pear-shaped at the time, it has given me a big advantage. Most people seem to know me or know of me, and I find myself being welcomed by everyone with open arms. Even Gina Miranda, the edgy drama series actress, shows me her photos from Saturday night, and Jenna Kelly tells me that the video she took of Johnny singing the All Hype song already has over a million hits on YouTube. My nerves are a distant memory by the time the final bell rings.
Agnes hooks her arm through mine as we walk out of the wide school halls to the front door.
‘Job done,’ she says. ‘First day of school complete.’
Jack is already waiting and so, I see, is Sam. I wave at Jack, but go to say hello to the big bear of a man sitting in our slick black Mercedes.
‘Are you coming with me?’ Sam asks in his deep, gravelly voice.
‘No, with Jack.’
He stares at the sky and I smirk at him.
‘Johnny said you’d follow behind.’
‘I will,’ he confirms. ‘Where are you going?’
‘Somewhere called Intelligentsia Coffee in—’
‘Silver Lake, West Sunset Boulevard,’ he finishes my sentence for me. ‘Hanging with the cool kids,’ he muses. ‘You’re getting to know your way around. I’ll be right behind you.’
I walk over to Jack’s car. He has his window open with his elbow hanging out and he watches me with a lazy grin as I approach. Brett, I see, is in the front passenger seat, so I climb into the car behind Jack.
‘Hey,’ I say to them both. I nearly kiss Jack hello, but don’t in case one of my classmates sees and it gets back to Brandon or Miles. They used to go to school here, so they’re still connected. At least Brett knows about us – Agnes told him – so we won’t have to worry once we’re at the coffee shop.
Jack’s bluey-grey eyes fix on me in the rear-view mirror. ‘Good first day?’
‘Yeah, great,’ I reply with a grin as he starts up the car.
Agnes chats away animatedly as we drive, filling the boys in about the day we’ve just had and the buzz around my birthday party.
‘Johnny singing your song has got, like, a million hits on YouTube or something,’ she tells them.
‘No shit?’ Jack looks stunned. ‘Jess, can you text that to Brandon and Miles?’ He grabs his phone from the centre console and passes it back to me.
‘What’s your passcode?’ I ask, as I switch on his iPhone. He tells me without hesitation and it occurs to me that he wouldn’t let me have access to his phone if he had anything to hide. The thought makes me smile, but I wish I wasn’t being so paranoid. Tom has shaken me up.
The journey to Silver Lake only takes about fifteen minutes and soon we’re walking into Intelligentsia. Sam, I notice with relief, stays in the car, presumably content to keep an eye on things from out there.
The terrace is buzzing with LA archetypes: hipsters, models, actors, plus a few wacky-looking individuals. We pass a table of four beautiful young women, all wearing big dark sunglasses. I hear a yap and look down to see tiny pooches in two of their handbags.
Inside, the floor and bar areas are covered with beautiful blue-and-white mosaic tiles. There’s not a lot of seating in here – so there are just a couple of people on their laptops – but Agnes spies a table outside so she and Brett grab it while I wait with Jack in the queue.
He puts his arm round my waist and hooks his thumb into my jeans pocket. ‘This is cool,’ he says, fingering the collar of my biker jacket.
‘Thanks,’ I reply. ‘Birthday present.’
‘I still haven’t given you mine.’
‘Have you got one for me?’ I ask with surprise.
‘Yeah, it’s in the trunk of my car.’
I try not to show how pleased I am as the guy behind the counter asks for our order.
The prices are crazy, but Jack insists on paying, even though I want to get one for Sam, too. ‘It’s the best coffee, trust me,’ he says, as I carry three lattes atop with foam flowers to our table.
‘Thanks,’ Agnes says when I pass one to her. She and Brett are cosying up to each other on the bench seat, so Jack sits opposite them while I walk out to the pavement to hand over Sam’s coffee.
He looks a little taken aback, but seems to appreciate the gesture.
‘Are you OK out here???
? I ask.
‘Happy as Larry,’ he replies, and it sounds funny, him saying such a British phrase in his American accent. I laugh and return to our table, sitting beside Jack.
He turns round to face me, resting his elbows on his knees. I turn to face him, too, butterflies taking flight in my stomach as he smiles his sexy grin at me and reaches forward to pull my chair closer to his. My legs are now resting between his and he places his hands on my thighs and stares at me directly. Seconds tick by and the jittery feeling inside my stomach increases as I stare back at him with amusement.
We haven’t done much of this: hanging out like an actual couple. Apart from band practice, we’ve barely seen each other during the day. The first time we kissed was on the night of Agnes’s sixteenth birthday party back in the summer. The next time was in San Francisco when I cheated on Tom. There’s always been a spark between us, but it wasn’t until New Year’s Eve last week that I felt I could kiss him without guilt, and without worrying that I’d be leaving to return to England.
We kissed on Saturday night, of course, but again that was different to what’s happening here and now. We’re out in the open and there’s nothing to hide behind, no cover of darkness. He looks at my mouth and I want to scream at him to do it, so I’m delighted when he actually does. It’s just a brief kiss, and I’d prefer to snog his brains out, but it’s kind of sweet that he leaves it at that.
‘Aw,’ Agnes says, smiling at us.
I blush and reach for my coffee and Jack does the same, but keeps his left hand on my thigh.
We sit and talk about anything and everything for the next half an hour, and it is so incredibly nice. I’m used to Jack being tactile, but this is on another level entirely and I’m scared how much I like it. At one point, a black feeling comes over me as a little voice inside my head warns me not to fall too hard, but I push it away.
I just want to enjoy this while it lasts.
That thought sends another flurry of unease swirling round my stomach. How long will it last?
He’s never had a long-term girlfriend. What makes me think that I’ll be any different?