Once I was on the plane, after the excitement of takeoff, the need to see Mam and Pap, to be there now, grew stronger. The plane couldn't fly fast enough. A new thought had come to me: I just knew something was wrong with Mam. As soon as I thought it, my heart pounded against my chest and I started sweating. I checked my watch. We had thirty more minutes till we landed. The thirty minutes dragged by. The woman sitting next to me patted my hand and asked, "Is this your first time flying?"
I didn't answer. I gripped the armrests and stared out the window. "Don't die, Mam," I said to myself, and thought about how many times we had almost lost her in the past I feared her luck had run out.
Her sickness had always made me angry. Every time she went to the hospital I blamed her, and I knew it was only because I loved her and I needed her so much. "I'm sorry, Mam. Please wait Don't die this time. Please be all right"
Then I told myself I was jumping to conclusions. She was fine. Of course she was fine. I would have heard. I was being silly.
We had begun our descent I sat back and tried to take a couple of deep breaths. I decided I would call the monastery from the airport I can let them know I'm on my way, maybe speak to Mam for a second.
As soon as we landed I headed for the nearest phone and called Information for the number of the monastery. Then I punched out the number and waited.
"Saint John of the Cross, Brother Andrew speaking," came the deep voice on the line.
"Yes, this is James Patrick O'Brien. My uncle, John Murphy—"
"Yes, I remember you, James Patrick. Your uncle is at the hospital—Maine Medical Center. I'm afraid your mother—"
I dropped the phone and ran through the airport, searching for an exit At last I found one near the baggage claim, and I ran out to the street to hail a taxi I felt like a character in a movie when I said, Til pay you ten dollars extra if you can hurry it up."
The driver looked at me in the rearview mirror and said, "Son, ten dollars won't pay for my speeding ticket Don't worry, I'll get you there in plenty of time"
I wanted to ask, In plenty of time for what? What did he think I was hurrying to the hospital for?
I tapped my fingers on the armrest until the driver told me to stop. Finally I saw the hospital up ahead and almost told him to pull over, I'd run the rest of the way, but then I decided his driving had to be faster than my running. I sat forward in my seat and watched out the front window. He signaled to turn into the hospital entrance and waited for a van to pull out.
"Hey! That's Larry's van," I said.
"Huh?"
The van had pulled out and was going down the street, back the way I had come. I caught sight of Aunt Colleen and Ben and several other heads, but I couldn't tell if Mam was in there with them. I thought about telling the driver to follow that van, but he had already pulled into the parking lot.
I paid the driver and ran into the hospital. It seemed like forever before the front desk could locate what floor and room Mam was in, but at last they found it and they said as far as they knew, she was still there.
I took the elevator, got out, and stared up at the sign to see which way Mam's room was, but my eyes blurred so, I couldn't read it I ran to the nurses' station. "Which way is room three twenty-eight?" I asked the smiling woman at the desk.
She pointed to my left and then asked, "Who are you looking for?"
"Mrs. Erin O'Brien," I said.
The nurse stopped smiling. She stood up and said, still with her pleasant voice, "Just a minute, let me see if she's still there."
She had a computer in front of her, but she left the desk and went over to talk to someone else.
I could feel my legs trembling and in my chest the trembling turned into a sound that came out of my mouth, a cry. I looked around to see if anyone else had heard me. Then I didn't care. What was wrong? Why were they just standing there talking to each other? Where was Mam?
I called out, "What's going on over there? Is she here or what?"
The nurse came back to me. She smiled.
"Yes, she's here, but she's been moved. They had quite a scare with her last night. High blood pressure and—"
I shouted at her, "Is she here or not?"
The nurse smiled and nodded. "Yes, but she's been moved to room five-o-eight."
I ran to the elevator, got off on the fifth floor, and read the signs myself this time. I hurried down the corridor and found the room. The door was closed. I didn't know whether to knock or just go in. I hesitated for a second and then pushed down the handle and opened the door. I stuck my head in the door and saw Mam. "Mam?" my voice croaked.
She turned her head, saw me, and burst into tears. She help up her arms and I fell into them, sobbing.
She ran her hand over the back of my head and then held me close, and we cried.
Finally she said, "JP> I'm so sorry."
"You wouldn't talk to me," I said, standing up and wiping my eyes.
Mam reached out for my hand and I gave it to her. She squeezed it. "You weren't talking to me. I could see in your eyes that you hated me. You hated me for going to Switzerland."
"Because you went with Mike."
Mam nodded. "I know. At the time, all I could see was that I was getting a chance to fulfill a lifelong dream, but once I got there all I could think of was you and Pap, and I knew I had made a mistake."
Mam pulled my hand forward and kissed it. She looked up at me, tears still trickling from the corners of her eyes, and gave a weak smile. "I realized I couldn't just live for myself anymore, I had to think of you and Pap, but then I found I was pregnant and all I could think about was myself, my fears. That's when I needed you most, but by then you hated me too much. I'd lost your love and your trust. What could I do but wait, JP? I knew you had to decide for yourself whether you could love me as I am or not. I was just giving you the space to do it."
"Sorry it took me so long," I said.
Mam nodded. "And me, too. I'm sorry."
She shook my hand. "Me and you, JP." She smiled.
I nodded and said, "And Pap, and Aunt Colleen, and the leprechaun, and Larry, and..."
Mam laughed, wiping the tears off her face and said, "And Mary."
I nodded. "And Grandma Mary," I said, but Mam, looking past me, lifted her chin and repeated, "And Mary."
I turned around, and there was Pap standing with a nurse in the doorway, and in Pap's arms was the tiniest baby I'd ever seen. And Pap, my dear Pap, with his heart so full he couldn't even speak, came forward and placed the baby, our baby Mary, in my arms.
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HAN NOLAN is the author of the National Book Award winner Dancing on the Edge, the National Book Award finalist Send Me Down a Miracle, Born Blue, and several other acclaimed novels. She and her husband live in the South.
www.HanNolan.com
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Han Nolan, A Face in Every Window
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