I wince and push him off of me. “Creed, you asshole,” I hiss as the old people walk away, shooting dirty looks at us over their shoulders. “Don’t say that kind of shit at my work!”
He sticks his tongue out at me. “It’s not like I used your real name, honey.”
“Jerk,” I grumble.
“Yeah, you love me. Anyways, I’m outs. I’ll call you when I get there to rub it in how much fun I’m having without you.” He pats me companionably on the back and starts walking away from me. I turn to head inside when he says, “Do me a favor, though?”
I nod.
“Check in on Otter for me at least once? I don’t want to have to come home and find out he went all emo and cut himself.” I start to protest, and he drops to his knees and starts screaming in a high-pitched voice, “Pleeeeeeeeeeease, Greg? Pleeeeeeeaase?” I look around, panicky, and tell him fine, to just go away.
“Later, Papa Bear,” he says, and when I turn around again, he’s gone.
LATER, Anna and I are spread out on the couch, matching looks of horror on our face while Ty sighs raptly at the TV. Apparently, as part of his birthday present to the Kid, Creed had gotten him the documentary on PETA that Ty had been dying to see. How he’d gotten it past me when I was bringing all his loot home was beyond me, until he told me that Uncle Creed made him promise to hide it until he could sit down and watch it with me. I’m going to kill Creed when he comes home. The movie isn’t about just the normal PETA people, no. It’s about hardcore PETA people. This is some pretty disturbing shit.
“Look at him,” Anna whispers against my chest. “He’s going to be such a hippie when he grows up.”
“Not if I can help it,” I rumble back. “I swear to God, the first time the Kid ends up in jail for freeing a monkey, Creed is going to be the one bailing him out.”
Anna and I try to smother our laughter, but the Kid hears us and shoots us a dirty look. We immediately stop laughing. There’s nothing like being admonished by a nine-year-old ecoterrorist in training. After two excruciating hours, the movie ends, and I tell Ty it’s time for bed. I can tell he hears me, but instead of getting up and doing what I asked, he turns over on his back and stares up at the ceiling, his face scrunched in such a way that I know he’s got something serious on his mind. Anna sees it, too, and knows that we need to wait for the Kid to speak first. Forcing it out of him never works.
“Derrick?” he finally asks.
“What’s up, Kid?”
He sits up and stares up at us and cocks his head to the side. His demeanor suggests that he’s thought about this for a while and is finally ready to ask whatever it is he’s been dwelling on. I’m reminded of his question about love a couple of weeks ago, when we went to pick up Creed from the airport. Sometimes it’s refreshing not to know what someone is going to say.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Is Otter gay?”
Sometimes it’s refreshing; other times….
My breath hitches in my chest. What the fuck? I think. Where the hell did he hear that? And why am I stuck with the only nine-year-old in the world who would ask a question like that? Kids aren’t supposed to be asking shit that I don’t know how to answer!
Anna evidently knows I am having trouble responding to the inquiry and puzzles, “Why do you ask that, Ty?”
“It’s just something I’ve been thinking about,” he says honestly. “Is that bad?”
She shakes her head. “Of course it’s not bad to ask questions, Kid. You can ask anything you want. It’ll be up to Papa Bear, though, to decide if you’re ready to learn whatever it is you’re thinking about. Okay?”
He nods and looks back at me, and I curse Anna in my head. She has made it quite clear that she will not be the one to divulge this, that she will not be the one to affirm. She has left it on me, and I begin to question her motives. Anna sits up and folds her legs underneath her. She looks down at her hands as she waits for me to answer. Sighing, I sit up, too, and slide down from the couch to sit in front of Ty. “Where’d you hear this?” I ask him.
He shrugs. “Just one day when I was at Uncle Creed’s house.” His eyes go wide as if he’d suddenly just thought of something. “I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything,” the Kid says quickly.
“I didn’t think you were, Kid,” I say. “I just wanted to know if someone told you or if you accidentally overheard it.”
He grins appreciatively at me. “I accidentally overheard Uncle Creed ask Otter about his boyfriend. Otter got mad and told him to shut up.” He pauses for a moment, as if considering. “Why would Otter be mad about that? Did something bad happen?”
“Honestly, Kid? I don’t know,” I say slowly, as I know that Anna is listening to my each and every word too. When I’d come back into the house the night of the Kid’s party, Otter had already gone up to his room and shut the door. Anna and Creed had immediately interrogated me, wanting a play-by-play of When Bear Attacks. I wouldn’t answer any of their questions directly, much to their chagrin. I told myself that it wasn’t my place to say anything, not that I had been told much. I knew I was a liar.
“I thought if you had a boyfriend or a girlfriend,” Ty says wisely, “that you were supposed to be happy and want to talk about them. I don’t think Otter’s boyfriend must have been very nice if he got mad at Uncle Creed just for asking.”
Anna laughs lightly. “Just because you have someone, Ty, doesn’t mean you are going to be happy all the time. Sometimes you fight, or the person does something dumb and makes you mad.”
“Like Bear did when he said your nose looked flat?” Ty says, a thoughtful look on his face. I groan as Anna smacks me in the back of the head.
“Yes, Ty, just like that,” she says. “Sometimes, people can be a little bit inconsiderate.”
“Or,” I tell him, “sometimes people can be oversensitive and take things the wrong way even if you didn’t mean it like that. Usually it’s girls, and it’s usually because they’re being hormonal.”
“What’s hormonal?” Ty asks as Anna scowls at me.
I shake my head. “Let’s not talk about that right now.”
“So Otter’s gay?” the Kid says, redirecting the topic.
“Yes,” Anna says. “And that’s not a bad thing because it doesn’t change who he is.”
He looks surprised at her. “Who said it was a bad thing?” he asks, honestly baffled.
Anna ruffles his hair. “No one important. Just as long as you know it’s not a bad thing and that Otter loves you, then everything is alright.”
The Kid looks at me. “Do you think it’s a bad thing, Bear?”
“No,” I say. “Of course not. People can love who they want.”
“Then why were you and Otter fighting that night he left a long time ago?”
I hear the words come out of his mouth. I understand them individually but I don’t get them as a whole. I feel the smile on my face slide off slowly. Once again, my little brother has struck me speechless. I know he’s waiting for me to answer him, but all I can think of is how I could have been so stupid to the fact that he sees and hears everything.
“That’s not what they were arguing about,” Anna says before I could speak. I can hear the edge in her voice. My silence might as well be a confession of my sins. I’ve been so dumbstruck by his words that I’ve forgotten she’s in the room. Warning bells start clamoring in my head, and I don’t want this conversation to continue.
“What were they fighting about, then?” Ty asks Anna, and if I was that kind of person, I would strangle him right now.
“I don’t know,” Anna says evenly. “Bear? Ty wants to know what you and Otter were fighting about. You should tell him.”
Oh this is goooood, that voice whispers in my head. What are you going to say now, Bear? Are you going to coat it with sweet nothings? I mean, how hard could it be to convince the Kid he was dreaming? This could all go away so very, very easily. Or… or are you for once in y
our miserable life going to be able to tell the truth? It laughs. Are you going to be able to say how scared you were because you knew Otter was going to leave but that he was giving it up because of you? Are you going to be able to say that behind that righteous anger you so brilliantly portrayed that you felt some sense of relief? Why did you feel reprieved then? Why, Bear, why? Whyyyyyyyyyy….
Shut UP!
“Bear?” Anna says, all steel and knives. Ty hears it, too, and looks at her with concern on his face and then back at me. “Bear?” she says again. “He’s waiting.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Say SOMETHING! I scream at myself.
Yeah, Bear, it mocks. Say something.
“I was mad at Otter,” I tell Ty quietly.
“Because he’s gay?” he asks me, just as soft.
I shake my head. “I was mad because… I thought he was staying here just because of us, and I didn’t think that was fair to him.”
Ty squints at me. “But that was his choice, right?” he says, once again sounding more mature than I ever will. “I mean, if Otter didn’t want to go away, then why would you tell him to?”
“I don’t know, Ty.”
Yes, you do.
“Did you want him to go away?” he asks me, suddenly suspicious.
“No, Kid. I didn’t. But I also didn’t want him to stay here just because he… he felt he should.”
“Well,” the Kid says, sitting back on his elbows, “at least he came back. Talking to Otter on the phone isn’t the same when you know he’s far away.”
“Sure, Kid.”
“So then why are you still mad at him?” he asks me casually, ignoring Anna completely.
“Ty,” I say sternly. “No more tonight. You have school tomorrow, and it’s time for you to get ready for bed.” He groans and gets up. He walks over to Anna and hugs her, and she whispers something in his ear, and he smiles. I push him along after assuring him I will be in the bedroom to say good night after he brushes his teeth. He walks out of the living room, humming a little song to himself.
I lean back against the couch, unsure of where to go from here. I wish that Ty had waited to have this fucking conversation until we were alone. Better yet, I wish that Ty had never wanted to have this fucking conversation. I curb the anger before it can well up because I know that regardless of how smart the Kid is, he’s still a kid. This isn’t really about him, anyway; it’s about me. It’s about me, and how I’d been caught in a lie. It’s about the night that I had spent the last three years trying to forget. It’s about how that little voice in my head knows exactly where to dig up what I’ve been so hell-bent on burying. It’s about how there’s this girl, this beautiful girl whom I love with all my heart. It’s about her because I know that I’ve been caught in a net of my own making. I turn to look at her, and I can see her eyes are shiny with tears that have yet to fall. She angrily wipes her face and opens her mouth to speak when Ty calls from the bedroom to tell me he’s ready. I curse softly, but don’t I practically run out of the room? Don’t I just run?
The Kid’s already in his bed when I enter the bedroom. I close the door gently behind us and move over to his bed, sitting down near his legs and leaning back on my hands.
“Is Anna mad at me?” he asks quietly.
I am quick to answer. “No, Kid. She’s not. And I don’t want you to think otherwise, okay? She could never be mad at you for anything.”
“Are you mad at me?”
I sigh and look over at him. “No, Ty. I’m not mad at you, either. It’s just been a long day.”
He’s silent for a moment and then says, “I’m sorry I heard you and Otter fighting. I wasn’t trying to listen or anything. You were just loud.”
I smile thinly. “Well, then, I should be the one apologizing. I never meant for you to hear that. I didn’t mean… for a lot of things”
“Bear?” he says. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“Sure, Kid,” I say, leaning down to put my forehead against his. He smells like Colgate and shampoo, and I want to squeeze my eyes shut and just stay in this moment, but the Kid needs to tell me a secret, and he expects me to look at him when he speaks.
“I don’t want Otter to go away again. Is that selfish?” he whispers.
“No, it’s not. It means you love him very much, and that will never be selfish. Can I tell you a secret?” He nods and looks up into my eyes.
“What’s yours, Bear?”
“I don’t want Otter to go away again, either.”
He throws his arms around me and pulls me down to him. “I know. I know. And I’ll keep your secret if you keep mine,” he whispers in my ear. I nod into his shoulder, fighting to keep my emotions in check. I stay wrapped in his little arms until he releases me a few moments later. “I love you, Papa Bear,” he says, kissing my cheek.
“I love you too, Kid.”
I get up and turn out the light, closing the door partway behind me, leaving it open just a crack, like I always do. I lean against the wall for just a moment, my breath hitching in my chest. I feel lightheaded and want nothing more than to turn back around and crawl into bed with him and go to sleep. But Anna’s still in the living room, waiting for me to come back out. I can’t keep her waiting any longer.
She’s sitting where I left her. I can see the tears have dried from her eyes, but her resolve is still firm. There’s no way this is going to just be dropped like some small part of me hopes. As soon as I walk into the living room, she jerks her head to the side, motioning to the small balcony that is attached to our apartment. I follow her, knowing she doesn’t want the Kid to hear what is said. But if she starts yelling, I’ll start yelling, and it’s not going to matter because the whole goddamned neighborhood will hear us. I shove my hands in my pocket and follow her out, and she shuts the door behind me and picks a spot that is as far away from me as she could possibly be and still technically be considered in our apartment.
“Well?” she asks, her voice low and dangerous.
“Well, what?” I say, stalling. I meet her eyes nervously and shrug.
“You lied to me, Bear.”
“I’m sorry.” And I am. More sorry than she’ll ever know.
“Why did you?”
“Anna….”
“No!” she hisses, her eyes flashing. “What happened to you that night? Why did Otter leave? What did you do to him?”
I laugh harshly. “What I did to him? Why does it have to be me doing something to him, for Christ’s sake?”
“Fine, then!” she almost shouts. “What did you both do?”
“You were there when I told Ty,” I say angrily. “What more do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell the truth!” she moans, starting to cry.
I ignore the tears. “That is the truth! I didn’t want him to stay here out of some fucking loyalty to me! He would have gotten bitter and left regardless! If he was going to leave—and I know he would have eventually—it was better for Ty that it happened then. And you want a further truth?” I snap at her. “You want to know more, Anna? I couldn’t have lived with myself knowing that he martyred himself like that. I could never have him hate me! It was easier for me to hate him! So yes! Yes, I chased him away! Are you happy now? Are you fucking satisfied!”
“Why couldn’t you just tell me this?” she cries.
“Can’t you hear how pathetic I sound?” I storm at her. “Why the hell would I have ever admitted to what I had done to you when I couldn’t even admit it to myself? It was better to blame him for leaving, rather than have him blame me for staying. I was damned either way!”
She wraps her arms around herself and shakes. “Bear, Otter would have stayed not because you wanted him to, but because he wanted too. Don’t you see that? He would have done it because he loves you and Ty. And that would have been enough for him.”
“That’s why he had to leave,” I say as my voice breaks. “Otter should never have just enough. He should have….” But
I can’t finish.
“He should have what, Bear?” she says sadly.
“Never mind,” I say. “Forget it.”
This makes her anger flare up again. “I won’t forget it, Bear, and damn you for saying so! When will you fucking learn that this was never just about you! This affects all of us!”
I laugh bitterly. “You all say that, but you could never understand.”
“Only because you’re too fucking proud,” she snarls. “You want to talk of martyrdom, go take a look in the mirror.”
“I know that, Anna!” I cry at her.
“Then why are you so quick to judge those people who would do it for you?” she hisses. “How can you push those people away so easily?”
“You think it was easy?” I glare at her. “You think I haven’t regretted it every waking moment?”
“How would I know?” she says nastily. “You lied to me from the beginning.”
“I didn’t know what else to do, Anna! Everything was falling apart around me, and I was making it happen!”
“What were you so scared of? Why couldn’t you let somebody just help you because they wanted to?”
“Haven’t you been listening to a goddamn thing I’ve said?” I growl.
“So that’s it?” she asks, furiously pawing at her eyes. “That’s the whole story?”
“Yes, for God’s sakes,” I mutter as I wring my hands.
“You’re lying.”
“Anna, please….” I reach out my hand, but she ignores it.
“Is he in love with you, Bear?”
“No!”
“You’re lying.”
I bring my hands up and press my fists against my ears, trying to shut her out, trying to shut myself in, and it’s more than I can bear. I know what she’s going to ask next, and I know what I’m going to say, and I know I have an opportunity to be honest, to say something that my heart has been dreading. I know all of this, and it does little to fortify me against the way I shake, the way the tremors rip through my being. I bang my fists against my ears, hoping for some clarity, some light to magically appear and shine down and say, “Yes, yes, it’s okay to say yes.” But nothing happens, and it’s still dark, and I am left quaking.