She rocked him against her, humming the song she sang to her babies when they fussed. It worked as well for him as it did for them. Within moments his shivering had stopped. They held each other tightly, and then he pulled away.
“Luz was right,” Tobin said. “I’m a puny excuse for a man.”
“No,” she said. “No, you’re not.”
He looked out through the door and she followed his gaze. The trolls had awakened and torn away the rope holding them together. She had no fear they’d come after Tobin and herself. They were occupied with what had, until a few moments before, been Luz.
“Don’t look,” she said, forcing him to turn away. “Let’s go.”
They stopped to get out the lanterns she’d packed. She showed him how to set the switch to keep the battery steady, but the light was still dim.
“Which way?” Tobin held the light up high.
Elanna searched for a clue. “Up the stairs. See the sign?”
The letters were faded but legible. Some peddlers or other travelers had left handwritten arrows too, though most of them were nearly as worn. Still, they had no choice.
“The worst that could happen is we’ll wander around until we reach the other side,” she said more brightly than she felt. “It’s a big building but it’s got to have an end somewhere.”
Tobin grabbed her hand. “Lead the way.”
They climbed the ridged metal stairs and found some more signs pointing the way. Maybe this wouldn’t be so difficult, after all. The corridors were long and confusing, especially since everything was dark. She found herself jumping at shadows.
“This would be easier in the light.” Tobin’s voice echoed.
She was thinking about the trolls. If they were real, what about the gobblings? Suddenly her palms began to sweat. A chill trickle ran down her back. She wanted to run, but didn’t know where to run to.
They came upon a row of small booths to their right. Once, long ago, they had probably sold gum, candy, cigarettes and magazines. They were empty now, stripped of anything worthy long ago by other generations of gatherers. They would be perfect places for something to hide.
“There!”
The sign, most of its letters worn away, read “Hnd unnel.”
“That’s it!” Elanna said.
They began to run, their lanterns bouncing and throwing up shadows. They pushed open the door and ran out onto the vast parking lot. Many of the busses were still there, looking like huge sleeping beasts.
“Busses only. No through traffic. Have toll ready,” Tobin read. “This way!”
They ran up the long ramp, finally emerging into the morning sun. Fresh air had never smelled so sweet, and sunlight had never seemed so bright. Elanna smiled, meeting Tobin’s eyes.
“Almost there,” she said and pointed. “Look.”
From where they stood they could see the water. It rippled in the morning sun. It was lovely.
The tunnel no longer went beneath the water. Time and long-ago riots had collapsed it. Now, huge chunks of metal and concrete wide enough to carry one of the Gatherer’s trucks stuck out of the water in irregular intervals. Smaller piles of debris filled in the spaces between the chunks, but water glimmered there, too. Walking wouldn’t be easy.
“I can see land on the other side.” Tobin turned and looked at her seriously. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
She thought of Luz and knew that even if she’d changed her mind, she could never go back. She didn’t want to go back. That was the past. Her future lay with Tobin and whatever lay ahead.
“I’m sure,” she said.
The crossing took a long time. Both of them got their feet wet more than once. At one spot, way out in the middle, they even had to swim, a skill she hadn’t realized she had until it was swim or drown. Then they were across and the sun was high overhead. They were tired, hungry and soaking wet, but they were out of New York.
“Welcome to New Jersey,” Tobin said with a grin that took away all her aches and rinsed her clean.
She kissed him then, just because she wanted to. His arms were strong around her back as he returned the kiss. His mouth was sweet with promise against hers. The promise of a new beginning.
−22-
It took them two weeks to walk across the blasted remains of what had been Northern New Jersey. Whatever had happened there had been big, and it had been bad. Nothing remained: no roads, no houses, no trees. No life. Their footsteps left crumbling indentations behind them when they walked. Ditches filled with water that was brackish and undrinkable. The only vegetation was stunted and evil-looking weeds that oozed nasty sap when broken.
After three days of walking, Elanna’s shoes fell apart. Her feet blistered, at first just one or two sores but then so many she could no longer walk without crying out. Tobin could tell she was trying to be brave, but at last he forced her to show him her feet.
Tobin tore the soles and the laces, the only salvageable parts, from her shoes and threw the rest away. He wrapped her feet in strips torn from one of the blankets. They kept walking. They had no other choice. Eventually the blisters scabbed over and began to heal. Elanna never complained, and Tobin’s respect for her grew with every step she took.
They followed the sun. Since there were no roads, it was the only way to tell direction. Every day they walked until the sun grew high overhead, when they sat to share a few bites of food. Then they walked some more, until the day faded into chilly night, and they slept huddled together for warmth under the single remaining blanket.
At last they reached a river, far below them, rushing blue and green and clean. Tobin didn’t know what river it was, only that beyond it the land was green and growing. He stared at it, afraid to blink in case it was just a dream. He held Elanna’s hand tightly. She began to cry.
“I thought…” she sobbed, leaning on him. “I thought it was all like this! All dead!”
“But it’s not all dead.” Tobin pressed his lips to her hair. He didn’t tell her he’d been afraid of the same thing. Tears stung his eyes, too, but he didn’t let them fall.
Crossing the river wasn’t as easy as crossing the tunnel had been, but they did it. If for no other reason than getting out of New Jersey, he and Elanna both managed to swim when they needed to. Once on the other side, he spared a look back.
“What do you think happened there?” He asked.
“The Blast Zone happened when a plane accidentally dropped a bomb,” Elanna said. “But that doesn’t look like an accident. It looks like someone did that on purpose.”
“I don’t suppose we’ll ever know.”
“No,” Elanna said, and she set herself firmly in the opposite direction. “And I hope I never see anything like it again.”
Several miles beyond the river, they found the first signs of civilization. Old buildings, crumbling and unused, with a service station among them. The pumps in front, which ages ago had dispensed fuel, still stood tall though their tanks had gone dry hundreds of years before. The battery charging panels for the cars that had replaced fuel-driven vehicles were still set into the concrete, but all were dark, most of the glass broken. Inside the station there wasn’t much left to take along, but what they did find was worth stopping for.
Maps, racks of them. New Jersey and Pennsylvania. The United States. Road maps and atlases. The sun had faded some, turning the pages to a brown and crumbled ruined mess. Others though, on the rack’s far side, were fine. A little brittle with age, maybe, but clear and easy to read.
“It’s so big!” Elanna said when he unfolded the map of the entire country. “I never believed…I never thought….”
She looked at him with eyes full of wonder. Her smile made him want to kiss her. So he did.
“I don’t know what we’re going to find,” Tobin said a moment later, the taste of her still on his lips. “California may be gone, just like Ari said. The rest of these places – I just don’t know. But we got this far. There has to be more.”
/> Elanna looked around the store, at the glass-front case that had once displayed meats and cheese. She ran her fingers along the top of the case, bringing it away coated in grime. Grimacing, she moved toward the back of the store, weaving through empty shelves and racks.
She glanced up at the sign over the counter. “Boar’s Head Brand. Convenience Store. It would be a lot more convenient if there was something to eat in here!”
“People in cars used to stop at these places to refuel or recharge,” Tobin said, following her. The back of the shop was still pretty bright. Glass cases that had once held beverages lined the back wall. “I guess they also stopped to buy food and stuff.”
“Refuel their bodies instead,” Elanna said with a chuckle. She poked a rack stacked with several small blue boxes. “Buy tampons and chewing gum.”
That made him think of something. “Do you need some of those?”
“What?” she asked, smiling. “Chewing gum?”
Tobin pointed at the boxes. “No. The other.”
With furrowed brow she looked to where he pointed. “Tampons?”
“Yeah.” He’d never said the word aloud, though he knew perfectly well what they were for. He wasn’t embarrassed exactly. He’d been raised by three women, after all. He didn’t want Elanna to become uncomfortable on the journey, if she needed something she didn’t have.
She looked at him strangely. Even though they weren’t in the full bright of sunshine, he thought she blushed. Curiously, Tobin moved toward her, trying to get her to meet his eyes.
“I might need them, some time,” Elanna said. “But…I don’t think I’ll need them for awhile. At least, not if everything is all right.”
“I don’t understand,” Tobin said awkwardly. “I mean, I don’t know much about that. I just thought you might need something…”
“You’re very sweet,” Elanna said and touched his cheek. “But there’s something I probably should tell you, before we go on.”
He didn’t like the sound of that. Yet, her face wasn’t solemn. Maybe it wasn’t bad news.
“Go ahead,” he said. “Tell me.”
She hugged herself, seemingly unable to fight the grin. “I’m pregnant, Tobin.”
−
23-
He just stared at her like she’d gone crazy. Elanna’s smile began to fade. She’d never had such a lack of reaction before. Catching pregnant was a reason for celebration in the Tribe. Her elation was even greater now because this baby, this time, she would keep for herself. It was why she’d left with him. Wasn’t he happy?
“But I thought you told Reb Ephraim you weren’t.” His voice sounded strained. His face didn’t look so great, either. “He said you weren’t supposed to have any other appointments.”
Her joy disintegrated, replaced with a crushing disappointment. He wasn’t happy about the baby. She couldn’t imagine why not, but he wasn’t.
“The baby didn’t happen during an appointment. I didn’t register it because...” Her shoulders slumped. “I don’t know why. Because I’d have face discipline. Chastisement, at least. Because I didn’t want to.”
“They’d punish you for getting pregnant? I thought that was your purpose.”
She didn’t like the way he made that sound. “Hopemothers don’t take lovers, Tobin. Our partners must all be tested and approved. Genetically matched. With such a small pool of DNA to pull from, we have to be careful not to --”
“Wait a minute. What?” His brow furrowed, mouth thinning. “You mean...you slept with someone who wasn’t an appointment?”
She lifted her chin. “Yes.”
His mouth twisted. “He was your lover?”
She thought of Job. The taste of his mouth, the sound of her name in his voice. She thought of secrecy and shadows. “Yes. But I didn’t love him.”
Tobin studied the dusty wire shelves, running his fingers over the crumpled and faded packages that still remained. He didn’t say anything. Neither did she. Silence stretched out between them.
“How do you know?” he asked her finally, and she lost her patience.
“I’ve been pregnant enough times,” Elanna said frostily. “I think I know.”
She pushed by him to the front of the store. As she thrust open the door, she knocked into the rack of maps, sending it flying. The impact stung her shoulder, but she kept going.
The parking lot was empty and the sun getting high. Elanna stood in front of the ancient pumps, reading the time-weathered signs. “Electro-Juice lasts up to 10 times longer than the other leading battery!” “Dispose of batteries properly!” And most strangely, “Give a hoot, don’t pollute!”
She heard the door open behind her. She felt Tobin rather than heard him; he stood behind her without speaking. She spoke to him without turning.
“I thought you’d be happy,” she said. “It’s a baby.”
“It’s not my baby.”
She spun on him, fists clenched so that she wouldn’t reach up to slap. “Does it matter?”
He recoiled just a bit. She softened, relaxing. She had to remember he didn’t understand.
“The men of the Tribe fathered children they didn’t necessarily create. For that matter, so did all of the women. A child’s mother and father are the ones who raise it, not the ones whose bodies made it. Does it matter, Tobin?”
He sighed, his mouth turning down in a look so sad she wanted to cry herself. “Am I an idiot for thinking that it does?”
Elanna touched the tightness of her belly. “Yes. A baby is a baby. And you don’t know, you might not even...”
She trailed off, not wanting to insult him, though everyone knew being sterile was no shame. More people couldn’t make babies than could. Elanna shook her head. “Not by your seed, Tobin. But this baby will need a father. Can’t you be a father to this child?”
To her astonishment, Tobin went to his knees before her, pressing his face to her stomach. Alarmed, she bent to lift him up, but found herself kneeling with him instead. “Tobin, what’s wrong? What is it?”
“I made you walk this whole way! I should have left you behind…”
“In the name of Adonai, why?” She cried, pushing him back until he looked at her.
“To keep you safe!” He said. “And the baby safe. This is no place for you to be.”
She looked around the empty parking lot and the equally empty road beyond. “This doesn’t look so bad to me.”
He wouldn’t be placated. “Walking like this, the blisters on your feet…”
She shushed him. “My feet are healing. And walking is good exercise. Tobin, I’m pregnant. I’m not sick. I’ve been pregnant lots of times.”
“And sometimes you lost the babies,” he said, more calmly now.
“Yes. Sometimes I lost the babies. But it had nothing to do with what I did or didn’t do. It just happened.”
“What if it happens now?”
She didn’t want to think about that. Her heart tightened and her throat closed. Instead of speaking for a moment, she just touched his cheek.
“It’s up to Ha-Shem if He wants to take this child,” she said finally. “Nothing we do or say can change that. I came with you because I wanted to, Tobin. Because I want to be my baby’s mother for its whole life and not just a year. And I want you to be its father. And when this one is old enough, I want us to try to have another. I want this with you.”
He kissed her with an intensity that took her breath away. Tobin’s fingers found her hair, tugging on the tangled lengths of it, and she wanted to push him away. She was dirty, her hair was dirty and greasy and matted. She didn’t have the strength, though, to deny him access to her mouth. His kiss was too sweet.
“Elanna,” he whispered, holding her tightly. “Forgive me.”
“I do.”
He clung to her so fiercely she wondered if he were ever going to let go. “I think we should see if there’s anything worth salvaging in the store, then check out these other places. And it’s getting
late. Maybe we should plan to stay here tonight. Get a fresh start tomorrow.”
“Sounds good.” She stood, dusting off the knees of her pants. “I’d like to be able to find some new clothes. New shoes. Think there’s any chance?”
He looked around at the cluster of decrepit houses set back on the road. “You never know until you try, I guess.”
She smiled. “No. I guess you don’t.”