“She was important to you,” she says. It’s not a question, but a fact.
“I remember the first time she put her hands on me, I flipped out,” I say, sighing. “I was so crazy I couldn’t stand the idea of having someone’s fingers on me. It took her a solid year to be able to run her hand down my face.”
“That must have been hard.”
I nod. “I’m forever grateful to her, though. She helped me past it. I still can’t deal with being touched, but I don’t flip out like I used to. God knows she was a strong girl, putting up with me.”
“She must have loved you,” Jess says, her voice soft and low.
I shake my head. “In her own way, yes, but it wasn’t a deep, binding love. She felt for me, she wanted to help me, but I think a big part of her knew she could never be with me. I was too much work, even for her.”
“I think she must have cared about you a great deal more than you think, if she tried to help you that much.”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Why did you hate being touched so much anyway?”
I stiffen, but manage to rasp out, “It was the idea of having no control over whose hands were on my body. Touching for me related back to losing control, and I hated it. I hated not being able to stop it. I hated how it felt. The very idea of even fucking had my body coiling so tightly I couldn’t breathe. Macy was amazing for that. She taught me that sex, at least, could be more than a horrible feeling. That it could be . . . calming.”
Jess wrinkles her nose. “Calming?”
“Sex can be beautiful, Jess.”
She smiles. God, she’s fucking gorgeous. “No, Dimi. Sex is only beautiful with someone you really, really want it with. Otherwise it’s just fucking.”
“Maybe, honey,” I murmur. “But it was my medicine for a long time.”
She nods and stares down at her hands.
“But you should never do it if it isn’t what you really want.”
She snaps her head up and looks me right in the eye. “I can’t hide forever, Dimi. I want it and, more than anything, I want it with you.”
“You askin’ me to make love to you, baby?” I grin.
She flushes and shakes her head. “No, I’m asking you to fuck me.”
I raise my brows. “Fuck you?”
“Yes,” she whispers. “Fuck me. I want to feel that raw passion. I want to feel the heat that sparks inside me when I’m around you. Maybe next time you can make love to me.”
“There’ll be a next time?”
She looks at me as though I’m stupid. “Of course, Dimi.”
Well fuck.
She’s killing me . . . in the best possible way.
Jess
I’m terrified, yet everything inside me is ready, including my heart. What happened to me when I was younger was less than desirable and it scarred a huge part of me, but now has come the time when I can either let it consume me, or deal with it and move on. I don’t want to spend my life without a man. I trust Dimi, for whatever reason, and I know he wouldn’t hurt me. He’s the only person I have ever wanted this from and my decision is clear.
Dimi pulls me closer to him, pressing his hard body against mine. He shifts to the side just slightly and grips my chin, turning it so he can press his forehead against mine. We sit like that for a long, long few minutes, just breathing each other in. Then, finally, his hands start moving up my thigh. I’m in only a towel, so there’s nothing stopping him from inching farther. I take a deep, steadying breath and watch his fingers disappear under my towel.
“Dimi?” I whisper.
“Mmmm,” he murmurs, nuzzling his nose into my neck.
“I’m scared.”
He stops his hand immediately and pulls back, looking me in the eye.
“If there’s ever a second you can’t take it, or you find it’s too much, you tell me to stop. I swear to you, Jess, I will stop. I won’t ever, ever hurt you.”
I believe him, I really do.
“I trust you.”
His eyes widen and a deep warmth fills their depths. I’m guessing that’s not something he’s heard a lot in his life, and I certainly don’t think he’s ever had someone put so much in his hands. I reach up and stroke the light stubble on his cheek, before pulling him close to me and kissing him. It starts off slow and sweet, but quickly turns deep and intense.
His fingers slide up higher as the kiss turns scorching. I don’t know what I want to feel the most—his tongue dancing with mine or the way his fingers graze my naked sex. He doesn’t press in, he just delivers feather-light touches up and down my pussy, not yet taking that plunge. I groan into his mouth and push my hips forward, needing to feel him, needing to ease the throbbing ache that’s slowly intensifying between my legs.
“Dimi,” I gasp. “Please.”
He gently slips his finger into my depths, finding my aching clit. I love the feeling. Pleasure shoots up my spine and causes tingles to break out over my skin. Dimitri’s finger slides gently over my hardening nub, tweaking it until I’m squirming, needing more. He presses a hand to my chest and gently lays me down, and my towel slips off. The cool air tickles my skin, causing a gasp to escape my lips.
He’s torturing me; I know it. He moves down so he’s kneeling, and he gently plants kisses from my feet up to my thigh. My skin tingles as his mouth moves over my skin. Every now and then he slides his tongue out, creating little circles. I shiver, my nipples hard and my pussy aching as he finds my cleft. He pushes his tongue through my wet folds, and I moan and arch, before he slowly lets me go and trails kisses up my belly.
“That was mean,” I breathe.
He chuckles. “It has to be worth it. I might try that again.”
He kisses me softly, before moving back down so he’s kneeling on the bed, and he slowly spreads my legs once more. He runs a finger up and down my damp sex as he gently parts my folds. He sucks in a breath and murmurs something under his breath that sounds like “Holy fuck.” I squirm as he begins massaging my clit again.
“Dimi,” I cry out.
He swirls his fingertip around and around until I’m arching, calling his name. Then very gently and very slowly, he slides a finger into my pussy. I buck my hips, shocked by the overwhelming pleasure I’m experiencing now. Dimitri curls his finger, finding a spot that has his name stumbling off my tongue over and over. He strokes it until I’m hanging on the edge, then suddenly he stops.
“The first time you come, baby, it’s going to be around my cock.”
I make a pained protest but that’s quickly cut off when he stands up, fully naked and erect. Oh. My. God. I stare at his cock, fascinated. He reaches down, wrapping a hand around it and stroking it up and down. My entire body breaks out into tiny goose bumps, and I find myself biting my bottom lip so hard I taste blood. Holy shit, he’s perfect. He continues stroking as he reaches down to his pants and rifles through them until he finds a condom.
I watch as he rips the packet open with his teeth and then rolls it down his impressive length. Then he crawls back onto the bed. “How do you want this, baby?”
I shake my head, confused. “I-I . . . don’t know?”
“Me on top, you on top, on the side, back to front . . .”
I gape at him. “W-w-what?”
“Baby,” he chuckles. “How do you want it?”
I bite my lip again, wincing when I feel the sensitive spot I’ve created.
“You on top.”
He grins and crawls toward me, meeting me with his lips to mine. He kisses me and slowly lowers me onto the bed, shifting between my legs. I wrap one leg around his hip and leave the other hitched up by his side. He kisses down my neck and his hands gently tweak my nipples. I feel him pressing against my opening and I clench my eyes shut, feeling my breathing deepen.
“Look at me, Jess.”
I open my eyes and look into his.
“Don’t turn your eyes from me.”
I stare into his blue depths as he slowly pushes for
ward. I grit my teeth as a full, slightly painful sensation radiates through my body. He strokes my cheek, using one hand to prop himself up as he continues inching inside me. The moment the pain subsides and he’s fully inside me, I realize just how beautiful this can be. I don’t realize I’ve been holding my breath until it comes out in a whoosh.
Dimitri presses his forehead against mine and gently pulls out before slowly pushing back in. I gasp and squirm beneath him. He’s being gentle, and it’s amazing, but I want him to consume me, to ravish me, to take my breath away. I reach up, pressing my fingernails into his back. He flinches and stiffens.
“You don’t like that?” I whisper between pants.
He grinds his jaw and shakes his head. I lower my hands, placing them back by my sides.
“Here,” he rasps, slapping his biceps. “Touch here.”
I lift my hands again, curling my fingers around his bulging biceps. His muscles flex underneath my fingertips and he jerks his hips out, pushing back in a little harder this time. His cock swells inside me; I can feel every inch of him.
“Dimi,” I plead. “Faster.”
He begins thrusting harder, rotating his hips in that way. I feel the pressure building deep in my core. A strangled moan escapes my lips when he leans down and bites my neck. I arch my back, pressing my breasts to his chest. The feeling of his skin rubbing against my nipples has the pleasure building higher and higher.
“D-D-Dimi . . .” I gasp.
“On it, baby,” he growls. “Hang tight.”
He thrusts harder, deeper, until I’m shuddering beneath him and hanging on the edge. His jaw is tight and his eyes are closed as his entire body stiffens for its release.
“I . . .” Oh God, the pleasure. “Now, Dimi.”
A burst of something beautiful releases and shoots through my body, causing everything inside me to feel as though it’s slowly exploding in the most amazing, intense way. I scream out Dimi’s name and my nails slide down his biceps. He groans low and deep in his throat and then I feel him swell inside me before he, too, finds his earth-shattering explosion.
When we both come down from our high, Dimitri slumps over, holding himself up only just slightly with his left hand pressed flat to the bed. He drops his mouth to my neck and slowly runs his tongue up, causing another shudder to leave my body. Then he pulls out and rolls, pulling me onto my side. His face nuzzles into my hair and his arms wrap around my body.
That was perfect; it was everything my first time should have been. I’d missed out on that kind of passion before now, but he made it up to me, he made sure it was as perfect as it could be. I tangle my fingers into his and bring our joined hands to my lips, kissing his fingertips. He runs his fingers up and down my side, causing me to tingle all over.
“You okay?” he murmurs against my ear.
I giggle softly at the contact. “Mmmm.”
“Is that a good mmmm, or a bad mmmm?”
“I didn’t know there was such a thing as a bad mmmm.”
He chuckles throatily. “A bad mmmm is one you get when you’re disappointed or angry and you have no words. So when someone asks you something, you just give them an mmmm.”
“Oh,” I laugh softly. “Then it’s a good mmmm.”
“Really?”
I roll my eyes even though he can’t see it. “What did you think I would say?”
He strokes his fingers down to my thigh and back up again. “No smart Jess remark?”
“Hey,” I mumble. “I can be serious.”
“I know, baby,” he whispers, nipping my earlobe.
“Stop being so sweet, it doesn’t suit you.”
He laughs. “That makes two of us that aren’t behaving.”
“Truth,” I yawn.
We lay in silence for the longest moment and I feel my eyelids beginning to droop. Just as I’m about to drift off, Dimitri mutters, “Where is he, Jess?”
I blink a few times, but my eyes are so heavy I can’t force them open. So, I just let them stay closed, but I answer him anyway. “Who?”
“Hendrix.”
That has my eyes flicking open. “Dimi . . .”
“I need to see him, no matter what you think, no matter what he wants. I have to see him to get this closure.”
“I don’t know if I trust that you won’t hurt him.”
“Neither do I,” he says, his voice heavy with regret. “But I can’t ever be truly complete until I see him.”
I close my eyes again, sighing deeply. “Would you hear him out? Would you let him tell his side? Or would you just kill him?”
“For the sake of not losing you, Jess, I’d hear him out.”
“Can you promise me that?”
He pulls me tighter. “A simple yes or no won’t be enough. So I’m goin’ to put this the best way I can. You’ve been through a lot, possibly even worse than what I lived through, so you understand something about me that no one has ever understood. You understand fear, pain, hesitation and loss. You understand how hard it is to give someone your trust, and you understand that you cherish the few you do trust because they’re likely to be all you’ll ever have. I can’t promise you not to have a reaction, Jess, because unless I’m a hundred percent sure, I don’t give promises. But I can promise you this—I will give you what you need, I will hear him out, because you’re one of the few people I’ve trusted in such a long time and I’m not going to give that up.”
I feel a tear trickle down my cheek and I struggle to take a calming breath. He’s told me everything I’ve needed to hear for so long. His finger slides up and swipes the tear. I don’t even know how he guessed it was there.
“I can call him,” I whisper. “I can organize something.”
I feel him exhale. “Thank you.”
“But if you hurt him, Dimi . . . I don’t . . . I don’t—”
“I know,” he cuts me off. “I know, Jess.”
I nod. “You’re right, I do understand a lot of things about you because I’m the same, so I understand trusting very few people. I’m giving you my trust, Dimitri. Please don’t crush it. I don’t give it back easily.”
“Noted,” he murmurs.
I hope I’m making the right choice.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Jess
Hey, it’s me,” I say, tucking my legs underneath me on the seat.
“Jessie,” Hendrix murmurs like he’s just woken up.
“Did I wake you?”
He yawns. “No.”
“Such a liar.” I laugh weakly.
“Somethin’ wrong?” he asks.
I stare out at the beautiful row of trees at the base of the yard. It’s a cool morning and I’m enjoying the fresh air that’s washing through and tickling my skin.
“Dimitri found out we saw each other.”
“Shit,” he says, his voice filling with emotion. “Jessie, are you hurt? Did he hurt you?”
“No, I’m okay.”
“What happened?”
I swallow and take a deep breath. “He wants to see you, Hendrix.”
He sighs. “Is that a good idea?”
I honestly don’t know.
“He promised to hear you out . . . it’s the best I’ve got. I can’t tell you if he’ll attack or if he won’t but he needs this as much as you do.”
“Give me a bit of time to think on it, Jessie, yeah?”
I nod. “Yeah, okay.”
“Look, Indi is beside me tugging the fuck outta my pants because she wants to speak with you.”
“Your pants?” I ask with my brows raised.
“Got no shirt on,” he chuckles.
“Such a rebel she is,” I smile. “Throw her on.”
“I’ll call you on this number in a few days, Jessie.”
“Okay.”
“Puttin’ Indi on.”
God, here goes.
Dimitri
I lean against the doorframe and watch her curled up on the chair outside. She’s got the phone pressed to
her ear and she’s smiling. A real beautiful smile. I can’t bring myself to interrupt. Seeing her like this, it warms something inside me.
“Hey, Indi,” she says.
I tilt my head and listen. She slaps a hand over her mouth and smothers a giggle.
“I know,” she begins before she’s clearly cut off. A giggle finally breaks free and the sound is goddamned beautiful.
“Indigo, shut your pie hole for a second . . .”
I grin, I can’t help it.
“I am not ‘banging’ the enemy . . .”
She laughs again.
“Okay, well, I am, but . . .”
I feel my grin get bigger.
“INDI!” she shouts. “Do you hear this laughter?”
I stop smiling and listen closer, taking a step out.
“Yes, that’s real laughter. He makes me laugh. Laughter isn’t something I have a whole lot of, but he gives it to me.”
Silence.
“Yes,” she whispers. “I think . . . I think he could make me happy.”
Something burns in my chest. Something deep and consuming.
“I’ll call you again soon, I swear.”
She smiles and swipes a tear from her cheek.
“Sure, okay.”
She waits a second.
“Hey,” she says and I feel my body stiffen. Is it him she’s talking to now?
“Okay,” she begins and then stops. “Yeah, okay. Thank you, Hendrix. I . . . I miss you.”
There goes my chest again.
“He’s good. It’s good. Call me as soon as you can.”
I drop my head, taking a deep breath.
“Okay. Bye.”
She turns the phone off and lets out a deep, emotional sigh. Then she turns and sees me standing at the door. There’s something about her face, I can’t quite pinpoint what it is. Her cheeks are rosy and her eyes are sparkling. Those people, they bring out a beauty in her. They make her happy. They make her whole. It’s written all over her.
“Hey,” she whispers and then holds the phone up. “I called Hendrix.”