“Yeah,” I remarked, staring up at the ceiling.
“So . . . you gonna tell me what happened last night?” I felt the bed dip beside me as she sat at my side. She was freshly showered, smelling of her expensive perfume and coconut milk shampoo.
“Nothing to tell. She was drunk and sick. I put her to bed and ended up falling asleep myself. You know I wouldn’t . . .”
“Yeah, I know. So, are you two cool? I mean, you seemed cool at the bar. Very much so. I can tell she’s into you.”
I shook my head. “That was the alcohol talking. Raven doesn’t give a damn about me.” I thought about telling her about what happened this morning, but I didn’t feel like rehashing whatever it was that had me shaking and crying in my sleep like a bitch. I was angry at myself for allowing her to see me like that. For allowing those memories to make me like that. I hated the hold the past still had on me, and admitting it would only make the ghosts more real.
“Whatever. She does. And it’s not only that . . .”
I turned to narrow my eyes at her in suspicion. “What?”
Angel shook her head. “I don’t know . . . I can’t put my finger on it, but . . . I swear, I know her from somewhere.”
“Huh?” I hadn’t told Angel about me and Raven’s first meeting, and how I had thought the same, judging by her hostile behavior. But now that I knew she had heard stories about me from the other girls at The Pink Kitty, it had all made sense.
“I don’t know; it’s weird. Probably nothing,” she shrugged. “Well, I’m going to Neimans. You want anything?”
One of the perks of living with Angel was that she loved to shop, and insisted on dressing me, letting her parents pick up the bill. Just another Fuck You to them. I never turned down the luxury threads, but now I really had to think about Angel’s offer. Raven had mentioned my clothing before, assuming I had money and didn’t know the true meaning of struggle. She couldn’t be further from the truth, but it wasn’t right of me to keep accepting things that I didn’t deserve. Angel let me live with her in a grandiose apartment for nearly nothing as it was, knowing I was making a meager salary. Basically, my entire check covered my car note, plus afforded me money to blow on dates and other meaningless stuff. Most nights, I ate at Dive for free, and my scholarship had scrapped the need for student loans. I just had myself to take care of, and here she was—young, in school, and trying to raise a child on a waitress’s pay. I felt like a total ass and a phony for flaunting a lifestyle that I hadn’t earned.
“No. I’m good.”
“You sure? I saw you eyeing those new Gucci loafers.”
I shook my head, my mind made up. “No, I don’t need them. I don’t need anything. You go have fun.”
She left, frowning in confusion, wondering what the hell had crawled up my ass and triggered my emo switch.
Raven. And my past. The two things that could never collide.
At 3pm on the dot, I was knocking on the door of her apartment, feeling like a jackass for basically guilting her into coming. Pleasing and protecting Kami had been a tough habit to break, plus it meant I could spend the day with Raven. And that desire was becoming just as difficult to deny.
I half expected her to be lounging in her sweats when she answered, refusing to come. But when she swung open the door, I was momentarily stunned speechless at the beguiling sight before me.
I’d only really seen Raven in her work clothes, whether it was scrubs or booty shorts. And only recently had I seen her in street clothes. But seeing her in a floral print sundress the color of a coral sunset and jeweled sandals, I could only stare, and mentally thank God I hadn’t let yesterday’s occurrence keep me from being here on her doorstep.
“Too much?” she grimaced, wrinkling her cute, slender nose. Her makeup was light, nothing like the heavy, dark liner she wore around her eyes for work. She had even traded those signature red lips for a shimmery pink gloss. Her hair was tied into a messy braid that fell over her shoulder, while several rogue ringlets dangled around the nape of her neck.
“No,” I croaked, my mouth like sandpaper. I cleared my throat and tried again. “No, not at all. Just right.”
She was more than just right. She was gorgeous. And I meant that with every cell in my body. The woman in front of me had stolen my breath with her beauty.
“I don’t know . . .” She was so uncertain. So insecure. It was like she didn’t know of the power she possessed over me.
I took a step forward, until the front of my polo shirt gazed the bodice of her dress, and grasped her bare shoulders as lightly as I could without scaring her. Touching her skin was like holding live wire in my palms, and every second of being shocked just made me hold on tighter. “Well, I know, Raven,” I told her, looking down into the ocean of her eyes. I held my breath, telling myself to keep swimming. But all I really wanted was to drown in her. “What is it about you? Why can’t I leave you alone? Why do I torture myself with wanting you?”
She gasped in my arms, but she didn’t move away. Instead, she met my gaze and breathed her own proclamation. “Desire is just concentrated madness of the body and soul,” she whispered. “Do you want my crazy?”
“Yes,” I replied too quickly to stop myself. Too fast. This was happening too fast, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t keep doing this shit if I was to respect her wishes.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, channeling my resolve. Then I let my hands slide from her shoulders, down her arms, and past her fingertips, until I was no longer touching her. No longer entranced by the feel of her skin next to mine.
“But I won’t take it. I won’t even ask for it.” I shook my head, even though I knew I was doing the right thing. “You said so yourself, Raven—I’m a whore. I’m no good. And I have no right to touch you. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”
A door opened from inside the apartment, prompting me to step back to put some distance between us. I could only ponder Raven’s disenchanted expression for just a second before Toby walked out wearing a wide grin, and that instantly made me smile.
“Toby, my man!” We bumped fists in greeting before he flashed me a note, thanking me for inviting them. “Not a problem, man. Glad you could make it. Figured it was the least I could do for not being around last week to annihilate you in Battleship.”
He made a dramatic gesture, rolling his eyes and waving me off. Both Raven and I laughed, the tension between us gone, but not forgotten. She grabbed a denim jacket, slipping it over the shoulders that had been under my grip just seconds before. I could still feel her on my palms.
The ride to Blaine and Kami’s place was uneventful, even a little quiet. Toby seemed to enjoy being in a newer model car, but all I could focus on was the woman beside me, and the words she’d uttered in the doorway of her apartment.
Do you want my crazy?
I did. But I knew she wouldn’t want mine. She wouldn’t be able to handle it. No one could.
And there lay the conflict. I wanted her. Sometimes I thought she wanted me. However, it wasn’t her unattainability that kept us apart. It was me. What I was . . . what had been done to me. It ruled my entire being. It consumed me in a way that made it impossible to be with anyone, let alone Raven. One night stands and back room hook ups were one thing. But a real, substantial relationship? One built on trust and honesty? There was no way. She’d see the ugly in me and go running the other way, wracked with fear and disgust.
When I pulled into the driveway of Blaine’s 2-story home, Raven grew increasingly agitated.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, cutting the engine. She shook her head and looked down at her hands, which were a nervous knot in her lap.
“I made a fool of myself the other night,” she whispered, aware of Toby in the backseat. “I don’t want them to think I’m . . .” I stopped her with my palm over her tangle of twisted fingers. She flinched at our sudden connection, but didn’t pull away.
“There is nothing and no one in that house that will hur
t or judge you. And certainly not Toby. You’re safe here. Both of you are safe here . . . with me.”
Every word was true. I meant them with every bone in my body and breath in my lungs. They were safe with me. I just wasn’t certain that I was safe with her.
We walked in together to wild hoots and hollers at the television screen. March Madness was still in full swing, and down to the Elite Eight. And just as I had predicted, Michigan was still going strong.
“Who’s up?” I called out over CJ and Blaine’s trash-talking at the TV.
“Michigan,” CJ grumbled. He and Blaine were big Duke fans, and if Michigan took the W today, there was a big chance they’d go head to head in the Final Four.
“Aw, don’t be salty, CJ. We won’t whoop you too hard next week.”
“Fu—” Before he could get out the entire word, Blaine kicked his cousin from where he sat on loveseat, prompting CJ to turn around. “Oh, yeah. Hey, Raven. What’s up, little dude?”
“Hey, Raven,” Blaine said, standing to shake her hand like the good southern gentleman that he was. “Good to see you again, Toby. You guys have a seat.”
“Uh-uh. Raven is coming with us,” Kami said, carrying a tray of fresh vegetable with some type of dip from the kitchen. She set it on the coffee table next to the spread of chips and what looked to be a layered bean dip. CJ turned up his nose at the veggies but went for a scoop of refried beans, cheese and guac.
“Where?” I asked, when I felt her stiffen beside me. I understood her apprehension, but I didn’t expect her to be this fearful. Raven had been nothing short of bold since the day I met her. Seeing her less than confident made me wonder if it had something to do with Toby.
“In the kitchen,” Kami answered before dropping a kiss on Blaine’s eager lips. “She can help me and the girls.”
“Girls?” Angel was a given—she had left before I headed to Raven’s apartment. But who else could be . . .
“Yes. Me, Angel and Victoria. I’ve got them wrapping lumpia.”
Victoria? Holy shit, did she mean Velvet?
“You mean to tell me—”
“Yup, that’s right. I brought a date, a-holes,” CJ explained, with a failed attempt at censorship.
I looked over at Raven, who looked slightly less uncomfortable. Maybe Victoria was a good call after all.
She glanced over at Toby and asked, “Will you be ok?” He nodded eagerly and looked to me, his face breaking into a small smile.
“Of course, he will be,” I reassured her, waving him to the couch. Blaine leaned over to smack his cousin on the knee, telling him to scoot over.
Kami came around to where Toby sat, her face beaming with warmth and sincerity. She didn’t extend her hand, aware that he may have an aversion to touch. “Hi Toby. I’m Kami. You’re welcome to anything here. Would you like a soda?”
Toby looked to his sister before nodding.
“Great! I’ll have your sister pick out your favorite. Sound good?”
Another nod, this one accompanied by a blush. I totally understood. Pregnant or not, Kami was absolutely beautiful. Especially when she smiled at you and made you feel like the tallest man in the world. I had to give it to Blaine—he had made her happier than she had ever been. She was glowing from the inside out.
I gave Raven a nod and a reassuring grin as Kami led her to the kitchen, where the mouthwatering aromas of fried vegetables, stewed meat and noodles filled the air, along with feminine laughter. Minutes later, Angel emerged with a Sprite for Toby and a beer for me. I kissed her on the cheek as she left to rejoin the ladies, causing Toby’s face to catch fire one more time. To most people, it just seemed like a normal, pubescent boy response. To me, it gave me the confirmation I had hoped for. Toby’s reactions to the opposite sex were deemed healthy. He didn’t seem overtly interested nor repulsed, both signs that could have meant sexual abuse. And he seemed comfortable with sitting with the guys too and not insistent on clinging to his sister. I inwardly rejoiced. If I was wrong about him—and I sincerely hoped I was—then I could not find a better reason to be.
Once we were left to our manly devices, I tried to focus on the game, but my mind kept wandering to the kitchen where I knew Raven was being scrutinized. Not in an awkwardly intense way, but I was certain that both Angel and Kami had questions for her. They were just as protective of me as I was with them. I was just thankful that CJ had brought Velvet—er, Victoria. Still hard to believe she had hooked up with him. Even harder to believe that she had stuck around now that the beer goggles were off.
Surprisingly enough, CJ was able to keep the trash talk to PG-13 with Toby there, with only a few slaps and kicks from Blaine. Michigan had just scored the winning shot, much to their chagrin, when the girls filed out of the kitchen, and lined the dining table with several covered dishes.
“Ok, you Neanderthals. Time to eat!” Angel announced.
“About time,” CJ grumbled, jumping to his feet. “I’m starved.”
He made a beeline straight to Victoria—dressed modestly in skinny jeans and a flouncy blouse—and kissed her passionately, eliciting a squeal. Even her purple hair seemed less shocking with its soft waves slicked back into a ponytail. She looked . . . pretty. Soft and delicate. And I momentarily felt guilty for never choosing to see her like this. For never choosing to see anyone for more than a waste receptacle for my doubt and pain. Except for Raven. And that was only because I knew we would never go there. I couldn’t use what was not at my disposal. And shit . . . I didn’t want to.
We settled around the dining room table, a new addition since Kam had moved in nearly 6 months ago. She had always wanted a place for all of us to be together, especially with the baby coming. She was worried about failing at something she was already a natural at. And between me, Angel—hell, even CJ—that little one would be the most spoiled baby in the world.
“So, Raven, how long have you lived in Charlotte?” Blaine asked before filling his mouth with a forkful of rice and marinated pork.
She reached for her glass of wine and took a sip before answering. “About a year. I moved back to take care of Toby.” Her eyes nervously darted to where he sat beside her as she answered. As if she wasn’t used to talking about him.
“So you lived here before?” I knew Blaine was just making small talk and trying to be polite, and honestly, I was thankful for it. These were things I had wanted to hear from her lips, and not from a file. I knew she had lived in Virginia previously, and had transferred from her nursing program at Virginia Commonwealth in Richmond. But I hadn’t known about her living here in Charlotte in the past. Interesting.
“Yeah,” she answered without meeting his friendly gaze. “When I was younger.”
“Oh, cool. So how do you like it so far?”
Raven shrugged, pushing food around her plate. “It’s all right. Not much has changed, honestly. The economy still sucks anywhere you go, so work has been less than great.”
“Raven is one of the waitresses at the club I work at,” Victoria chimed in from beside CJ. “Haven’t you seen her?”
Blaine’s eyes flared as wide as his plate before he choked out a cough. “No,” he croaked, reaching for his beer. “Can’t say I have.” Kami was tight-lipped beside him, and CJ was cackling like a hyena at his cousin’s dismay.
“Oh, I’m sure you have,” he jibed. “Remember that one night?”
“Oh wow, the fried rice is amazing. Kami did you do something different?” I piped up, hoping to save both Raven and Blaine any further embarrassment. But Victoria hadn’t taken the hint, no matter how burning Raven’s stare was.
“Actually, she’s one of our best waitresses. Much too good to be working at a dump like that. Especially with Sal cutting hours.”
“You got your hours cut?” I asked, my voice soft beside her. I didn’t want to draw more undue attention to her, but I knew how badly she needed the money. If she couldn’t pay her bills and fell behind on rent, the state could take Toby out of her care. And
DCFS probably wasn’t too thrilled about her working in a strip club as it was.
“Yeah,” she shrugged. “No biggie. It’ll pick up again, or I’ll be able to find something else.”
“I don’t mean to be presumptuous,” Blaine interjected, after recovering his voice. “But if you’re looking for something else to supplement your hours . . .” At that, Raven lifted her gaze, genuinely interested. “With me and Kam preparing for the baby’s arrival, I don’t see myself wanting to be behind the bar as much. And we already lost her on the floor. So I was thinking about promoting one of our waitresses to bartender, leaving a spot open. I can’t guarantee how many hours, and it may be pretty busy on weekends—”
“Yes!” Raven blurted out before he could even finish.
“Yes? Honestly, you’d be saving me the headache of trying to find someone.”
“Yes,” she repeated, looking over at Toby, her eyes filled with some unnamed emotion. “We’d love to.”
“Great! Come by tomorrow, and we’ll take care of everything.”
Just before we all turned back to our plates with gusto, I saw Kami look up and Blaine and smile, which he happily returned. She leaned into his shoulder, positioning her forehead right at his lips. And with eyes closed, his heart open for all to see, he kissed her.
I envied that small display of honest affection. I wanted to touch someone so unguardedly . . . love someone so unselfishly. They had what I had always wanted—unconditional, uninhibited love. And that yearning was only made greater by wanting that with someone who didn’t want it with me.
“I’m just happy to finally have a few more ladies around this place,” Angel said, as she reached over to snag another lumpia. They had wrapped and cooked a good three dozen and we were already down to the final few.
“I’m sure you are,” CJ muttered with a snicker.
“Don’t make me bring up some of the trolls I’ve seen you with, Craig,” Angel threatened, pointing her deep-fried roll at him. “Vic here is a definite upgrade from the butterfaces we’ve had to endure. You better not screw it up. Because I can’t tolerate another scarecrow.”