“Get some rest, love. You look positively knackered.”
Victoria wrapped her arm around my shoulders and kissed my cheek. She and CJ were planning a trip to Myrtle Beach next week, and she wanted to make up the days she’d lose. Quite frankly, I was astonished they had lasted this long. It was obvious that CJ was crazy about her, and while he was good-looking, he was pretty dim-witted. However, he had surprised the hell out of me when Kami went into labor. To offer his car without second thought, and sit with Toby without a single gripe . . . maybe I was wrong about him. It wouldn’t be the first time I misjudged a guy.
We had enough girls on shift for me to cut out early. Even with my foul attitude, I had made enough in tips tonight to cover the rest of the light bill. I just wanted to crawl into bed and shut my eyes. Just shut out the world for the rest of the night and pretend the last 72 hours never happened. Maybe even the last week.
I was almost at the hallway headed for the exit, when I heard the most annoying laugh known to man. I’d gone nearly the entire night without running into Cherri—a rare gift when I needed it the most—but I guess my misery was inevitable.
If I were ever to haul off and backhand her, sending her flying right off her clear plastic hooker heels, this would be the day. I just didn’t have an ounce of patience left in me to deal with her smug attitude. So I took a deep breath, counted to five and stepped into the hall.
And froze.
He had her pushed against the wall, clawing her fishnet-covered thighs while he laved her neck with his tongue. He seemed so hungry for her, so desperate to get inside the skimpy lace boyshorts that did nothing to cover her ass cheeks. She pulled his hair, bringing his mouth to hers. When they kissed, I felt my whole world shatter into a million broken pieces. But that wasn’t the worst part. Far from it. Because while she stroked her tongue with Dom’s, she opened her eyes and looked at me, her gaze so icy, that I felt my blood run cold.
When Dom finally pulled away and wiped the red lipstick from his mouth, Cherri decided to twist the knife in my heart turning to me with a mocking grin. “Grab us a bottle of champagne, will ya? But knock before you come in.”
I visibly saw Dom’s back stiffen before he slowly turned his head to face me. His brow was furrowed at first, but then it smoothed into that impassive stare he had pinned on me the last time I saw him. The same look he wore when he told me he didn’t want me anymore.
“Hey Raven,” he said, his words empty as if he were talking to Joe Shmoe on the street. I couldn’t even answer. If I did, I would cry, and I’d be damned if I let them see me so broken.
When I turned around to walk the other way, I heard Cherri mutter, “How pathetic,” under her breath before laughing. Then there was the sound of a door closing.
I had hoped that being honest with him would draw us closer. I thought maybe—just maybe—he would understand what it was like to be beat down and humiliated. But I was wrong. About him, about us, about everything. I was wrong.
I had no more fight left in me. No more left to give. This was it. It was over.
Fuck that.
No, the hell it wasn’t.
I spun on my heel and marched to the backroom with a fire lit under my ass so hot that the rubber of my soles could have melted. Fuck knocking on the door. I would kick this bitch down if I had to. Luckily, they were both too stupid to lock it, so I swung it open and walked my happy ass inside, hitting the lights on the way in.
“What the hell?” Cherri screeched, scrambling up off her knees and covering those water balloons she called tits. “Get the fuck out!”
“No, bitch. You get out. I need to have a word with my boyfriend.”
“Boyfriend?” She laughed like she was an evil villain in a cartoon. “Dom isn’t anyone’s boyfriend, especially not to some gutter rat. Now get out. We’re busy.”
I stepped in so close to her that I could feel those disgusting ass salt-filled sacks against my chest. “I may be a gutter rat, but at least I wouldn’t open my mouth and my legs for any guy with a few singles. Is that all it takes, Cherri? Does George Washington get you hot?” I fished out a couple of ones from the tips I had stuffed in my back pocket and threw them at her. Dammit, I needed that cash, but I wasn’t about to back down now. “Here you go, sweetie. Now drop to your knees like a good pussycat and pick them up with your teeth. I know the floor’s dirty but you’re used to putting filthy things in your mouth.”
“You jealous little cunt,” she retorted. “You wish you could be me. Now go get me a drink. My throat is parched, and I need to get back to blowing your boyfriend.”
I don’t even know what set me off—her calling me a cunt or her talking about blowing Dom. But the minute I felt my palm connect with her jaw, it felt like my arm had been yanked from my body and was being wielded by someone else. And dammit, it felt good.
“You stupid bitch! How dare you!” Cherri screamed, holding her cheek. There was a tiny droplet of blood in the corner of her mouth but other than that, nothing but her pride was hurt.
“I told you to get out once,” I said, my voice dead calm and my glare just as eerie. “Don’t make me say it again.”
Cherri scrambled to collect the rest of her clothes, taking what was left of her dignity, and damn near ran to the door. “You are so fired! Hope you like Ramen noodles, slut!”
“I happen to love Ramen noodles. Probably as much as you like baby gravy with every meal.”
Flustered and bleeding, she slammed the door so hard that the entire room vibrated. I didn’t feel it though. My whole body was already trembling with rage and adrenaline. My jaw clenched, and my hands balled into fists, I turned to the real cause of my fury.
“Boyfriend?” he grinned smugly as if his life weren’t in danger. “Since when did I become your boyfriend?”
“Since when did you become a dick?” I shot right back at him.
He finished zipping himself up before running a hand through his mussed hair. “Raven . . . you knew what I was about. You knew how I was before we hooked up.”
“I knew you were a manwhore, yeah, but you were never an asshole. Must be a newly acquired trait.”
He shrugged. “Things change. People change.”
“Bullshit. You’re good—I’ll give you that. You almost had me fooled for a minute.”
He huffed out an annoyed breath. “Fooled about what?”
“About you not caring. About you just slipping into your old ways. Dom, we’re both flawed, okay? We’ve both been hurt and abused. But you don’t see me trying to bury my pain in some cheap skank, now do you? Get over yourself. You’ve had it rough—I get that. And I am truly sorry for everything you have been through. But that doesn’t give you the right to mistreat the people that care for you—that love you. You’re so afraid of becoming a monster . . . so scared of hurting people. Well, what the fuck do you think you’re doing to me—to Toby—right now?”
He made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat and began to pace the floor, his hand tangled in his hair as he tugged violently.
“You don’t get it.”
“Get what?”
He didn’t answer. He just kept stalking in a circle, his jaw so tight, I thought his teeth would break.
“Answer me, Dom! What is it that I don’t get? That you’re a liar? A cheater? A user? Please enlighten me. Tell me all about your deep, complex feelings that require you to fuck strippers. Come on. You were so bold back in that hallway. Tell me what I—”
“You don’t get that I fucking love you!” he shouted angrily, fists clenched at his sides. Then he was moving toward me so quickly, I only had time to move back into the crushed velvet padded wall. He pinned me between his arms and pressed his body into mine. The weight of him was so scary yet exhilarating, I couldn’t bear to breathe. I was too possessed by the intensity that swirled inside those hazel-green eyes.
“I’m in love with you,” he whispered. Dom was panting . . . shivering. I wasn’t sure if it was from restraint
or rage. “And that’s why I can’t do this. I’m weak, Raven. I’m tired, and I’m scared, and I’m weak. You deserve better. I’m not a good influence for Toby, and I could never be a good man for you.”
“Why not?” The words broke on my tongue.
“Because I’m not a good man. Sometimes, I’m afraid that I’m not even a man at all.”
The despair in his voice was so real that it brought tears to my eyes. “Don’t say that . . .”
“It’s true!” he shouted, barely two inches from my face.
I gasped in fear. He was losing it, and I didn’t know what he would do. I never thought he would physically hurt me before, but now, with him so desperate to be heard, I didn’t know what to expect.
“Don’t you see what I am? Can’t you see what I’ll become? I’m already half-way there.” He laughed sardonically, tipping his head back. “You are so blind. I can’t tell which one of us is more pathetic. I’ve ruined your life once. Why the hell would you let me do it again?”
I hated to admit it, but he was absolutely right. Why was I holding out hope for someone that deemed himself hopeless? He had told me time and time again that this wasn’t what he wanted. That I wasn’t what he wanted. And even if he did love me like he said he did, how was he proving that by hooking up with Cherri, and God only knew who else?
I met his eyes, mustering all the courage I had left in me. I was exhausted, and while the feel of him against me set my soul on fire, his actions had turned me cold.
“I don’t know. I must be crazy.” I dipped under his arm, freeing myself from the cocoon of his body. “But not anymore.”
Just before I hit the door, I turned back to find him still leaning against the wall, his head down. Now . . . this was it. Now it was over.
“Was it ever real?”
He was quiet for so long that I wasn’t sure that he had heard me until he answered, the sound of his voice provoking the first tears to fall from my eyes. “No. Because I’m not.”
“Goodbye, Dom.”
“Goodbye, Raven.”
I had once stood at the very edge, face to the sky, longing to feel the wind in my hair.
I wasn’t afraid of flying; I feared the fall. But, pain had made me strong, and life had made me brave, yet love had made me weak.
So I stretched my wings and flew. I soared. Only to come tumbling back down to earth. And I vowed that I would never fly again.
THE FUNNY THING ABOUT being at rock bottom was that you had nowhere else to go but up. I didn’t think I had hit it yet, but I had been pretty damn close. However, there was one girl who had ensured that I didn’t completely spiral down into the abyss of regret. And while she was barely six pounds, and her fist was the size of an acorn, she commanded my best. And dammit, that was all I would give her. Even if it hurt.
I spent every day trying to reclaim my life. I smoothed things over with Amber, who refused to let me quit. She told me to take a leave of absence to get my head straight. And when I was ready to come back to Helping Hands, my job would be waiting for me.
I surrounded myself with the people I loved, which meant I spent most of my time at the hospital with Amelia or at home with Angel and Kami, who had been released already. Being separated from her baby was hell, so at least I was distracted by the task of entertaining her.
I still hadn’t found the balls to go back to Dive though. The wound was just still too fresh. And Dive meant that I could run into Raven.
“You’re sortof a dumbass, you know that?” Angel remarked to me as we sat in the waiting room. Baby Amelia was being released today, and we had showed up for the occasion.
“Why, thank you. I love you too, pumpkin.”
“I’m serious. You’re a dumbass. You have a shot at something real . . . something whole. Yet, you’re letting it slip away. For what? Slumming it with me every night? Trolling for chicks that we’ll never see again? Bitch, please.”
I took an exasperated breath before diving into all the reasons why I had chosen to walk away from Raven. “Look, you know I can’t be with her. You know why I can’t allow her to stay with someone like me.”
“And why’s that?”
“Because. I’m not . . . right. I’m not . . .”
“Oh bullshit. Sounds like a cop out to me. A whiny ass, baby cop out.” Then her voice spiked into a shrill, mocking tone, the emphasis on whiny ass baby. “Oh boo hoo. I have a beautiful woman who knows all my darkest secrets, but loves me anyway. But I’m too emo and broody to see it through my dark cloud of pity. Wah wah wah. Oh God. Cue the Britney look-alike and cry me a fucking river.”
I rolled my eyes. “You know it’s not that simple.”
“Oh, really? Explain the part that’s difficult. Explain what’s so hard about understanding that we’re all flawed, and we all come bearing our own bags of bullshit, yet we deserve a chance at happiness. What’s so hard about letting someone love you instead of punishing them—punishing yourself—just because they can see the beauty in all the wreckage? The exact same thing you’ve been trying to project your entire life?”
Oh shit.
She was right.
Ever since I was a child, I’d always strived to please people, hoping to gain their love and affection. And I had done that, minus the façade and fauxness. I had made Raven love me just by being me. Granted, I was my best self when I was with her, but not because I felt I needed to be to gain her heart. I wanted to be. She demanded it with her no-nonsense attitude and aversion to my bullshit. She made me laugh over the silliest things. She made me dig deeper and really think about what I was putting out in the world. She was artistic, soulful, sarcastic and free-spirited, and I loved everything about her. Yet, I had let her go. No. I pushed her away, ensuring that she would abandon my realm of regret for good. My misery didn’t love company. It required my full, undivided devotion, guaranteeing that I would never desert it for anyone and anything else. It had been all I’d known, and that was the way I liked it.
But now there was Raven. And Toby. And I had seen that there was so much more to the endless emptiness. I could feel again.
I turned to peer at Angel, whose mouth was turned up into a knowing smile, her eyes fixed on the hospital linoleum. “Make your move, loverboy,” she said, as if reading my mind.
I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet. Your little stunt at the club got her fired. So you’ve got a lot of ass kissing to do. Pack your Chapstick.”
Raven was fired? Shit. I wasn’t surprised. Everyone knew Cherri was Sal’s pet. Unless Raven was putting out, he’d have no qualms about giving her the boot.
Angel and I waited in amicable silence, until Blaine and Kami finally emerged with baby Amelia in tow. She was a strong little thing, and had hit all her milestones within a few weeks, resulting in her early release from the NICU. Since Kami’s baby shower never happened, the girls were planning a baby viewing instead, and only inviting close friends and family. No way were we going to allow complete strangers to breathe on her. Hell no.
“Please tell me you don’t have one of those Baby On Board signs,” Angel huffed, as Blaine and I fumbled with the car seat cradle. Holy shit. When did babies get so damn complicated?
“What’s wrong with those?” Kami asked, frowning. She totally had one. I had seen it poking out from the diaper bag, and she was just itching to slap it on the window.
“What’s wrong with it?” Angel derided. “So just because a person has a baby, they’re allowed to drive like an effing 90-year-old grandma? Oh, go ahead and cut me off. You have a baby. Yes, you can go 30 in a 55. I understand. You’re a breeder. You pushed a pot roast out of your cooch. I get it. Eff that.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. At least someone was making an effort to not curse around the baby, as if she could even understand.
“I’m just saying, Baby On Board signs are just another way of saying look at me, look at me, I had unprotected sex! And frankly they’
re tacky. Yellow? Ew.”
Kami caught my eye the same time mine sought hers. We both smiled. Angel bitching about anything and everything was a good sign. It meant things were getting back to normal. Things would be all right. Our family was not only still intact, it had grown and blossomed into something rare and priceless. And for that, I felt something I’d thought was lost. I felt hope.
“TOBY! COME ON. WE don’t want to be late!”
I double-checked to make sure I had a new SD card and all my lenses stashed in my camera case. Blaine had asked me to take photos during the Sip and See at Dive in honor of their new daughter. I was more than happy to oblige; I had been dying to get some shots of that precious baby girl, plus it was the least I could do for all of Blaine and Kami’s generosity. After Sal fired me for slapping Cherri, it felt like everything I touched turned to dust. My relationship—whatever it was—with Dom was officially over. Toby was heartbroken that he had disappeared from our lives and from the center. And now I had to figure out how to make up for the lost income.
I wanted to curl up in a ball and die, but instead, I made a fool of myself by getting teary eyed during my shift at Dive. Blaine had stopped in to check on things, but had caught me in the backroom where we kept our purses and coats. He pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong, and I completely fell apart.
I told him about Dom, about Cherri, and about losing my job. I told him that I didn’t think I was cut out for this parenthood stuff and had considered sending Toby to our grandparents, who weren’t fairing much better than me. I wanted to give up. Being a grownup had just become too overwhelming. I’d had it with adulting. That shit sucked.
After patiently listening to me sob like a blubbering idiot, he handed me a box of tissues and told me—not asked—that I would come work at Dive full time. He even said that Toby was welcome to come into work with me anytime, and could even earn a few bucks by helping with minor things, even though it was illegal as hell. I understood what he was doing—he was giving me a home. A place to belong. A family, even if it was just a work family. And that made me sob even harder.