I can’t believe the anger radiating off him like heat waves. The fury raging in his eyes as his hands clench and unclench against his legs, like he’s trying to contain the outburst that’s been coming my way since we returned here to Ethryeal City.
“Why can’t you just let it be?” I ask, so tired. So very, very tired.
“Let it be?” he asks in mock surprise. His tone has shifted so suddenly that I’m shocked into silence. “I’m just supposed to let it be when I know there’s something going on with my girlfriend? Something that could potentially hurt her? What kind of guy do you think I am, Faye?”
I flinch back, and I think he might yell at me. Might scream at me for stealing my love away from him. For being so distant. For throwing a wrench in between us he can’t seem to remove, but he doesn’t do any of that.
It’s like a flash of lightning strikes him. Puts a whole new him into his body because he grabs my shoulders and presses his lips hard against mine. Lays me back with force as anger and loneliness swim in his glazed eyes. And I let him kiss me with this crazed fever. Don’t hesitate when he rips my shirt open and shoves my bra up so his lips can have full access to my breasts. A large part of me wants to feel his pain and betrayal surfacing through his desperate movements to hang onto everything we had worked so hard to build.
Because he makes me feel alive, and that’s what I so desperately want to feel.
I meet him with equal force, kissing and removing clothing where I can. Digging my fingers into the taut skin of his back as he slides inside of me and buries us beneath a growing mound of passionate kisses and frenzied touches.
The world shifts off its axis, and we fall together into a dark abyss. A place where we know the end is approaching—where we will have to part ways.
“Jaxen,” I cry out, feeling every ounce of my pain drip from my eyes as I give him everything I can. As he takes everything I offer.
His fingers tightly wrap in my hair as his kisses blaze a trail down my neck and back up to my mouth. “I’m not letting you go. I won’t,” he says against my lips as his pace picks up. As he shows me with his movements that I’m his and nothing can change that.
Not even the secrets stuck between us.
And when we climb over the edge together and his kisses slow, he buries his head between my neck and the bed, our chests unevenly rising and falling as we try to catch our breath. Our sanity.
My eyes find the ceiling. Follow the trails of light streaming through the cracks in the curtains as the Belladonna settles in and wraps its arms around my resolve.
“I’m losing you, aren’t I?”
My eyes squeeze shut. Remorse scorches my skin.
“No.”
One lie wraps around my neck and pulls.
He lifts his head just enough so he can see me, a calm sort of sadness settling into his gaze. “You’ve never been good at lying, you know.”
No… I haven’t. I bite my lip to keep the searing truth in my eyes from slipping down my cheeks.
One breath and he moves off me. Sits at the edge of the bed, running his hand up and down his neck. I know I need to say something, anything, to keep him from leaving, because deep down, I know when he gets up, that will be it. The line will be drawn. The stone will be set in place.
He won’t be mine anymore. At least, not the way he used to be.
He stands and the words hover on the edge of my tongue.
I watch him disappear into the bathroom as everything I should have said expires and shrivels inside my mouth. Bury my head into the pillow and open my mouth to let out the scream I had been holding onto, but nothing comes out.
I’m that empty.
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN JAXEN’S ABSENCE AND the moon resting high in the sky, the Belladonna catches a hold of me and pulls me deep into slumber. When my eyes open, I find myself standing on the rock I once stood on with Cassie and Jezi, overlooking the lake inside my inner balance.
The moon’s still close and visible even though the sun’s out. Birds sing to one another above me within the tall Evergreens. This is where Evangeline wanted me to go to reach my mother, but she didn’t leave me any instructions on just how to do it.
I remember Cassie telling me the first time I came here that I had a talent for invoking spirits, and I want to kick myself for not reading about it during my time at the manor.
What would Jezi and Cassie do? I think, needing to be able to figure this out on my own. Act like a witch, I tell myself, hearing Jezi’s scolding in the back of my mind. Use the gifts you already have.
My Grimoire.
I quickly summon it and think about what I need—some form of information about how to properly invoke. The pages begin to turn as I pray my mother had written something in here about it. When the pages finally stop, my eyes rake over every word.
The most precise way I’ve found to invoke a spirit and have it be the spirit you intended to invoke is to recite this incantation I wrote while holding an object of theirs. This will eliminate any chance of invoking the wrong spirit. Say the following two three times while rubbing your thumb over the object, and then wait. If they do not appear, don’t try again. They may not want to come to you.
Incantation:
Blessed be, I invoke thee.
Be sure you are in the right frame of mind and the moon is full, though I don’t think this is absolutely necessary. It’s simply precautionary.
I touch the photograph of my parents in my pocket and think about my mother as I recite the words she wrote. Power grows inside me as I put all my intent into the spell, hoping with every fiber of my being that she’ll appear. That she’ll have some kind of answer for me that will guide me down the path I should be on.
When I open my eyes, my heart is pulsing in my throat.
Nothing has changed at first, and my heart sinks to the floor. Maybe she won’t come. Maybe I said it wrong. No matter what the reason is, she said not to do it again, so that was it. That was my only chance… and I blew it. Maybe I didn’t have the ability Cassie thought. Maybe I wasn’t—
“Faye?”
Everything in me freezes in place. Recalls what I just heard from behind me. It couldn’t be who I thought it was. It couldn’t be her. But when I turn, there she is, smiling as if nothing has changed.
“Mom?”
She nods and opens her arms, and I run into them, already crying when her hand holds me close.
“I hoped you’d come after I planted the message with Evangeline. I couldn’t reach you before. Your pain… it’s like a filter blocking you from your witch abilities, Faye.”
“I didn’t—I don’t know how to deal with you being gone, Mom. Why did you jump in front of that bullet? Why did you leave me when I had only just found you?”
I can’t hold back everything I’m feeling like I know I should be. Seeing her… feeling her again… it’s too much. More than I was prepared for.
“I did what needed to be done, Faye. You need your father more than you need me in the physical sense. I can still help you from this side. I knew this day would come.”
My throat feels raw. “But you didn’t say anything.”
She grabs my face and looks lovingly into my eyes. “That’s all a part of having the gift of clairvoyance. Not everything needs to be told. When you were born, and I first held you in my arms, I knew then that there would be three choices made by others that would define the rest of your life. Everything important comes in threes.”
“Three choices?”
“My choice was the first, Jaxen’s is the second—”
Every thought in my mind halts in place.
“I don’t understand. What does he have to do with this?”
“Your purpose is to stop the machine, Faye. You were created for that very reason. My choice was to die so I could help you in ways others couldn’t. Jaxen’s choice is a little more complicated.”
I don’t know why, but Jezi pops into my head. I remember her saying something similar when I
was still a novice. “Jezi said something like that when we first met. She said she saw that he’d have to make a choice between me and her.”
“That’s because she has already seen. Because of the unnatural tie between the three of you, a choice will have to be made to restore the balance.”
“What choice?”
“Who he will protect, Faye. There will come a time when he can’t protect you both and, when that time comes, he’ll have to choose.”
“But I can protect myself,” I say, not able to stomach the thought of Jezi being left without anyone. Abandoned as she has feared she would be.
Her head tilts to the side, eyes softening. “Then maybe you should help Jaxen realize that so he doesn’t make the wrong choice.”
I swallow hard. “And the third choice?”
“The third choice is—”
Her image fades out.
“Mom!” I move to where she stood and turn, waiting for her to appear again. “Mom!”
Her hands grasp my forearms, her image flickering in and out. “We have little time, Faye. We must hurry.”
I fight every nerve in my body not to push her to tell me. There are so many things I need to know and so little time to know them.
“What is the third choice?”
Her mouth moves, but there’s no sound.
“Mom!”
Her mouth continues to move, and then her voice cuts back in. “… need to find the amulet first, and then the third choice can be made.”
My eyebrows furrow. “An amulet?”
Her image fades in and out. “Use Meredith, Faye. You cannot trust her, but she can help you. Let her guide you through the Underground and, with her by your side, you will find the amulet. After that, it’s up to you.” She pauses, looking to the ground. “I only see you getting into the machine, but nothing after that, because what happens after that is your choice… the third choice.”
I inhale sharply. “You mean, I’m dead after that,” I correct, swallowing my nerves.
Her eyes sadden as she reaches for my cheek, her image fading fast. “It might not mean that, Faye. I never saw you die. Just darkness. But, if you do, I’ll be here.”
Tears bubble behind my eyes. “That’s why you took the bullet, isn’t it?”
She smiles, and my heart shatters into a million pieces.
“I have to go now, Faye, but I’m always watching over you. I’ll be here if you need me, until you don’t need me anymore.”
“I don’t think there will ever be a day I won’t need you, Mom,” I say, trying my hardest not to cry.
And then she’s gone.
IT’S BEEN NEARLY A MONTH since I talked to my mother.
Every night I do exactly what I did before, but she never comes, and I’m beginning to wonder if I ever really saw her, or if it was just a dream.
I cope the only way I know how—by distraction. Every morning, I leave Jaxen’s side over a plain breakfast of oatmeal and fruit and meet with Weldon in a secret room inside the military compound where a machine that looks exactly like the Exanimator rests. Mack had it replicated based off the notes he found and has kept us assigned to it ever since.
I keep thinking about what Mack said and about what my mom said, and I find myself feeling like I’m split in two, tossing a volleyball back and forth over the net of truth.
Am I really going to die? Mack says most likely, but my mom said she wasn’t sure.
I don’t want to latch onto hope because I know hope can betray, but I can’t help that I secretly do. Because I want to live. So very badly.
Weldon and I fight our way through multiple simulations of Darkyns, demons, and every other foul creature they can think of to get to the machine. Our senses grow stronger, but we struggle to come up with different forms of communication just in case certain things happen that will impair either one of us.
It’s always the part when I have to get in the machine that he locks up and shuts down. I don’t think he counted on flashbacks as an impairment, but every time he sees the machine… every time I have to get in it… he goes into a rage and panics… veering off the mission.
“You don’t have to do this, Faye!” he screams at me as I press my hands against the cold metal plates that siphon the power from my body. He grabs the door to the machine, pulling with all his might to break the seal open. “It’s going to kill you!”
I watch as the tank on the backside of the machine fills with my energy. Feel myself draining, almost as if it were blood I was donating, and tell myself this isn’t real. That the witches behind the simulation are making me feel like I’m draining, but as the days wear on and the missions grow more intense, tiring our minds and our bodies, it becomes hard to distinguish reality from simulations.
And when the little green light goes off in the room and the simulation shuts off, we hug each other tight and tell each other good job. Tell each other that we have this down pat, even though the truth is in both of our eyes.
Mack and Seamus continue to stock up on weapons. Anything they can get their hands on to aid in the upcoming war. They continue to gather Intel by sending teams of specially trained Elites into the Underground to mark the network of tunnels built like an ant farm. Continue to upload and stream this data into our database so they can plan our exact route when the day comes for us to infiltrate and take them down once and for all.
I bury myself beneath this information. Hide my hopes and dreams within the future of this mission that will happen sooner rather than later. It’s a weird feeling… knowing something big is about to happen and not having any fear or hesitation about it. Never have I felt so calm. And I’m not quite sure that calm is the right word. I’m not sure about anything anymore. Just my need to move ahead. To hurry up and get there already.
On the last day of the month, after wiping the sweat from our faces, Weldon and I sit across from each other, lacing up our boots before we leave for the night. I already sense Jezi nearby, waiting for him.
But not Jaxen.
“So you and Jezi?” I ask, watching him carefully. Wondering if anything has changed between them from what I overheard.
He stops tying and looks up at me. “Yeah?”
A small smirk pulls at the corner of my mouth. “Don’t just yeah me. You know what I’m asking.”
He pushes off the ground to stand. Crosses his arms, refusing to answer.
“Really?” I stand as well. Playfully push his arm that’s as solid as a brick. “It’s like that? You get all quiet when you have a girlfriend?” I ask, fishing for his reaction.
His face screws up. “Who said I have a girlfriend?”
I touch my finger to my chin. “Hmm… let me think. Maybe the hot girl waiting for you downstairs. The very same hot girl who waits for you every day.”
He chews on the inside of his cheek, his eyes averting me. “It’s complicated,” he finally says, and I know in his tone that this is something he hasn’t thought out.
I step closer to him.
“I just… I wanted her… want her so bad, but this whole—”
“Claire,” I finish for him.
His eyes find mine, and they’re plagued with guilt. “Yeah,” he says, the word full of broken memories.
I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him tight. He squeezes me, pulling me closer against him.
“I didn’t expect to really fall for Jezi, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. It started out as a crazy, hormonal lust thing… but now…” He rests his chin on the crown of my head. “Now it’s just so complicated. It’s heavy. I just don’t want to hurt her, so I’m trying my best to pull back.”
“I know the feeling,” I say, listening to the sound of his heart.
I hear his throat bob, holding down all the emotions. “We’re a mess,” he says.
“Completely and totally,” I agree. “That’s what makes us such good partners.”
He leans back so he can look down at me. “Want to have dinner tonight? You can?
??t keep running back to your hidey hole, mouse.”
I step out of his hug. Zip my jacket up to my chin. “Who says I’m hiding? And you can’t just switch up the subject on me like that.”
He purses his lips and flattens his gaze. “I just did. One hour. Meet outside of the taco stand.”
“I had tacos last night,” I state, thinking about how the night ended with Jaxen and I sleeping with our backs to one another for the third time this week. And how I still haven’t managed to find the strength to put an end to it. Maybe it was my way of protecting him because this story, our story, it surely can’t end with rainbows.
In the world of Night Watchmen, rainbows don’t exist.
Weldon almost looks offended when I glance over at him. “And you say that as if it’s a bad thing to have tacos two nights in a row. I’m appalled.”
I can’t help the small bit of laughter that slips past my lips. “Well, go be appalled on your own. I’ll see you in an hour.”
We make our way out of the compound. I try not to stare when he walks over to Jezi and kisses her like he’s missed her. Kisses her in a way I haven’t been kissed in so long.
I take the steps to the front door two at a time, and then head upstairs to grab my shower. By the time I’m done, Jaxen’s already made it back. He’s standing in the doorway of the bathroom as I towel dry my hair.
“How was your day?” he asks. He always asks.
“The same as yesterday. You?”
“The same.” He turns and heads back into the room, taking another piece of my heart with him.
I can barely even look at him anymore. Can hardly stand to see the pain I’m causing him clouding his green eyes.
“My brother said Weldon wants us to meet for dinner. Are you game for that?” I hear him ask from the other room.
“Yeah,” I say, trying to sound lighthearted. Wanting to ease him into the thought of not having me around. Every day, it’s a battle not to kiss him. Not to take what I know he would so willingly give to me.