Mack doesn’t say anything.
“We’ll see you in Manhattan. The vote begins in one hour.”
The screen goes dark.
“Shit,” Mack says, hanging his head again. “Shit, shit, shit!”
I’m digging my fingers into my palms, using the pain to anchor my rapid-moving thoughts.
Seamus takes a deep breath, and then stands before addressing us. “I’ll go.” He looks ages older, as if that very phone call carved out years from his life. “I’ve talked with them before, and I believe I can win them over.”
Mack’s eyes are almost wild with panic. “That won’t change the fact that Clara and Bael are taking action.” He plunges his hands through his hair. “There’s no more waiting, Seamus. This war’s beginning now, and if we don’t have funding to aid our men and keep their families fed, then you might as well bury us all before it even begins.”
One blink, and I step forward, clearing my throat. “I won’t let that happen,” I say, taking the attention of everyone in the room.
I look to Weldon and he nods, encouraging me to continue.
“I have a plan.”
SOMETIMES, I WONDER IF I ever knew who I really was before all of this.
Do we ever reach a point in life where we’re certain we know who we are deep down? Because I was certain I’d never turn away from Jaxen. And not even just Jaxen, but people in general. I was certain I had a warm heart that considered all the feelings around me, despite any circumstance.
But here I am, telling a room full of some of the people I care most about, about the dream I had of my mother. A dream I only shared with Weldon. I tell them how I need to go with Meredith into the Underground and find an amulet.
The entire time, I feel Jaxen’s eyes on me. Feel the hurt hidden beneath layers of skin and muscle that’s radiating off him, because it’s obvious I put thought into this. I put time into it without consulting him or asking him for help.
Yet, it doesn’t make me want to stop so I can spare him. There isn’t time for that anymore. Time ran out long before today. Stopping to consider feelings is a shame on Cassie and Gavin’s part. On all the names tattooed on my forearm.
“I’m doing this with or without your permission, Mack,” I finish, knowing deep down this is what has to happen.
The room is silent as they absorb all I’ve said. Weldon looks at me like a proud parent, beaming from ear to ear. Jaxen looks like he might kill me.
Mack takes in a long inhale, and then says, “So what you’re saying is your best and only plan is to meet with Meredith and allow her to guide you through the Underground so you can find a necklace?”
I stand tall. “Yes.”
Jaxen’s vibrating with anger beside me. “Meredith is a Darkyn, Faye. She’s the bad guy. The one we can’t trust.” His tone tells me he shouldn’t have to be explaining this to me. That not going is the most obvious answer.
But I think he’s wrong.
I turn, eyebrows pressed into a hard line. “Well, it seems this bad guy is the only person we have left to trust.”
A flicker of disgust passes through his eyes. I have to flex my hands and legs to keep from reaching out for the words so I can take them back.
Tillman shakes his head, making disgruntled noises in his throat. “This is exactly what I was talking about. Letting a child fight our war for us is the dumbest idea you’ve had to date, Maddock. If you need me, I’ll be training my men.”
I stare at him. Hard.
Weldon snorts. “Is that what you call it? ‘Training?’” he drawls out, using finger quotes.
Tillman stops by the door, his back to us, fists clenched by his sides. I think he might scream at Weldon. Might punch a hole clean through the wall, but after a very long second, he exits the room, lightening the air a little.
Weldon chuckles, unbothered by the divide stretching further between the room. “Why is it that every time Tillman’s around, I always get this weird urge to take a—”
“Weldon!” I hiss, wishing for once that he’d hold back for the sake of being taken serious.
“What?” he asks, feigning innocence.
Mack laughs bitterly behind me. “I don’t see how you think working with the Darkyn will help, Miss Middleton.”
He’s back to addressing me formally.
He rubs his forehead again and again. “Our best-laid plans are in the process of crumbling right before us. You’re the only collateral we have left. Going on a whim because of what an invoked spirit has advised you to do is not only risky, but it’s also quite senseless.”
That one word feels like cold water being dumped over me. It wakes me up. Makes me stand taller. I’m tired of always being questioned. Of always being treated like my thoughts and ideas are wrong. I know deep inside my being that this is the right thing to do. Going to Meredith and finding that amulet… it’s what I’m meant to do, and I won’t let any of them stop me.
Not when the fate of this world hangs in the balance.
My eyes bore into Mack’s as Weldon’s words replay in my mind about the game he and Clara are playing. I have to switch it up. Make him see that my plan is the best-laid option we have. My mother wouldn’t steer me wrong.
I’ll put my life on it.
“Can I be frank?”
“By all means,” Mack says, sounding too tired to argue.
I meet him head to head across the table. “You want to be a good leader, right? A just one? One who will change this Coven for the better?”
He face screws up. “Is that even a question?”
“I’m asking because using me like a pawn isn’t necessarily the right thing to do. Every decision you’ve made up until this very moment has been self-serving.” I look hard at him. “Like what happened with Claire.”
He winces, avoiding the heated gaze beaming across the room from Weldon, and I know I have his attention now.
“And how about when you let Clara do what she did so you could get to this moment? Or when you used Weldon, Jaxen, and Gavin? And how you are using me, right at this very moment? Are you catching the pattern? Is that what you wanted all along?
“I know my mother came to you when I was born. That she told you things about my future she didn’t even share with my father. Have you forgotten the man you were then that made her trust you? Because she chose you for a reason. She chose to let you in on it. Ask yourself why. Ask yourself if you’re honoring her memory by flaunting me around like the king piece in a chess match.”
Realization is a shadow passing over his features. Years peel away from his skin until he’s left looking at his own hands.
“Now, I don’t want to have to say this, but you’ve left me no choice.” I straighten my shoulders. “I’m only here because I choose to be here. I can leave whenever I please, and you wouldn’t be able to find me.”
“Faye, what are you doing?” Jaxen asks in my mind, but I push him out.
“I don’t leave because I want to help, and because I believe you can be a good leader, Mack, but only if you can learn to listen to those around you, trust those who can help you, and share the weight of the responsibility, because I guarantee you won’t be able to do it alone.”
“She has a point, brother,” Weldon adds, arms crossed. “All joking aside, we’ve put a lot of thought into this. Following a Darkyn isn’t something either of us takes lightly, but between Mary coming to Faye, and everything else that has happened, we believe this is the right move.”
Jaxen cuts a glare in his direction. “You knew about this?”
The light in Weldon’s eyes vanishes.
Seamus leans against the table, eyes scanning the room. “You do understand how allowing you to follow through with this plan would make us feel uncomfortable, don’t you?” he asks, only momentarily stalling the blow up Jaxen’s about to have.
I turn my attention to him. “I do, but it’s what needs to be done. There’s nothing a lab, a statistic, or a book could tell you about me and what
I need to do. You aren’t going to find your answers there because I’m not a machine. I’m a person who makes choices.”
“Choices that could lead to consequences,” Mack throws in.
“Choices that are mine to make,” I correct, keeping my gaze solely focused on Mack and Seamus. Ignoring the heat beaming off Jaxen beside me. “The last I checked, I was the one with the Everlasting gene. I was the one fated to put an end to this. Maybe if you’d step back and let me do what I’m supposed to do, we could begin to move ahead in this war.”
Mack curses under his breath and looks away, battling with himself. “And how exactly do you plan on doing this?”
I look over to Weldon, and then back at Mack. “One step at a time, and with your help if you’ll offer it to me.”
Mack looks to Seamus, who stares at him for a moment, and then finally nods his approval. “Fine,” Mack relents. “I’ll send my best men with you.”
“No,” I say quickly, knowing the hard part has only just begun. “It’s only Weldon and me. I can’t risk anyone else.” I turn so I can speak to everyone because they all need to hear this. “I couldn’t have gotten to where I am without you all, but we’ve reached a point where we have to split off. I’m the one who’s supposed to get into that machine. There isn’t anything any of you could do for me to help me do that. Regardless of how I get there, that’s the end game, whether I walk into it willingly, or Clara shoves me in. It’s happening.”
My eyes find Jaxen’s as my heart hardens. Alarm flickers in his features, but he quickly cloaks the emotion with a stiff posture.
“I can’t do what I need to do if you’re with me,” I say, hating that I caused the tremor flowing through his body. He’s trying to remain strong, to seem unfazed, but there’s a twitch of betrayal in his eyes that won’t go away.
His grip tightens on the back of the chair… like he needs the extra support as he takes a hard breath, and then looks away from me, lips pressed tight.
“Well,” Seamus says as Mack’s mouth opens. “It seems you have given us a lot to consider, Miss Middleton. I can tell you now that going off on your own is not something either of us can agree to. It’s too risky and, despite your reservations about the ones you love being involved, you will need the extra help. The Underground isn’t a playground.”
“I know this, sir—”
“Good,” Seamus says, cutting me off, “then we can both agree on that much for now.”
Mack looks like he doesn’t know whether he wants to yell at me or lock me up.
“Your request will not be considered lightly, but I do ask that you give us a moment to decide,” Seamus continues, telling me with his eyes to allow them their space.
I know I’ll do this with or without their permission. They know it too. But to show this in front of the other important men in the room is not something Mack or Seamus is willing to give up.
“I’ll wait outside,” I say, and then turn and make my way out of the office, leaning back against the wall.
Weldon stands next to me as Jezi and Jaxen make their way out.
My blood freezes up as Jaxen stops in front of me. His eyes scream at me, and I want to shrivel into a ball.
“So that’s it?”
Shame singes my skin.
“Jaxen, I—”
“Save it, Faye. You know… this… this reason right here. You keeping all of this from me. You pushing me away. You thinking you have to take all of this on your own shoulders… this is why I didn’t want to get involved in the first place, because that’s who I was, and I knew how shitty of a burden that was to place on someone else.
“But you. With your beautiful soul and contagious laugh… you broke through. You showed me what I was missing and gave me hope that there was so much more… and now, you’re taking it all away. You’re taking it all away without even asking me, Faye. How am I supposed to feel about that?”
“I don’t know,” I say as honestly as I can, wrapping my arms around myself.
His eyes are two pools of hurt and anger. He’s struggling to keep it together. To break down the walls I’ve so heavily guarded myself behind. “Do I even have a say about this? About you wanting to go off on this mission without me?”
I look at him, and he knows, and I don’t feel as proud as I should that I made this decision for myself. I don’t think I feel like I should at all.
My voice is a sad whisper. “I think we both know this doesn’t have anything to do with the mission.” My fingers dig into my hands. “You have to let me go, Jaxen. It’s the right thing.”
His hands clench and unclench. He’s struggling to keep his voice under control as desperation pours from his words. “It’s not your decision to make, Faye. I choose who I love and don’t love.”
I want to hold him when his eyes gloss over. I want to take all my thoughts and words and shove them into a barrel tucked deep inside me, but I can’t erase the faces of all those we’ve lost. I can’t forget the importance of using my abilities for the greater good, no matter what I have to sacrifice in order to accomplish it.
And I think I hate myself just as much as he does in this moment.
“But this is bigger than us, Jaxen. Don’t you get it?” There’s accusation in my voice, but I do nothing to fix it. To lessen the blows between us.
“Says who?”
I swallow hard and sharpen my words. “Says the world full of people who are in jeopardy.” I feel horrible for saying it, for even thinking it, but I don’t understand why he can’t see this. I don’t understand where our relationship became more than everything else that’s happening around us.
He throws his hands up in the air. “Because you’re the only one who can save them, right?” He looks to the wall, lets out a tired, sad laugh, and then squints his eyes at me. “Just you and you alone.”
“She won’t be alone,” Weldon says, and I think he regrets putting in his two cents the moment Jaxen’s glaring eyes find his.
My words are jammed in my throat as the silence between us grows cold.
Jaxen turns and walks away. Presses the button for the elevator in one hard, jarring movement. The doors open. He turns and looks at me for a split second. Just a heartbeat of time, and then he steps in, leaving me feeling like I’ll never know his love again, because I’m not so sure we’ll survive this.
Everything in me wants to stop him. To tell him I still love him. That I do need him. I don’t because it’s a selfish need. I have to do what’s right, and what’s right isn’t something he’d ever agree to.
“You could have warned him,” Jezi says, standing in front of me. “You know how he feels about you. That was a low blow.”
My head is down as I fight back the army of tears swarming my eyes. “I did what I had to do, Jezi. Believe me… this isn’t easy. It’s taking every last bit of willpower I have. This needs to be done.”
“It doesn’t matter what you do, Faye. He loves you. You know he won’t give up, and you know damn well that Mack’s going to enlist all he can to go with you. Including Jaxen and the rest of us.”
I bite the inside of my cheek because she’s right. Jaxen won’t give up on me. Not unless… not unless I choose for him.
“Go to him,” I say, knowing I’m digging my own grave.
Her eyes flatten in shock and confusion as my heart pounds in my wrists.
“I’m serious, Jezi. I can’t… I can’t be who he needs me to be right now, and I don’t want him to be alone. Not with everything that has happened, and that will happen. He’s going to need you. You’re… you’re going to need each other. That’s why I’m choosing to do this.”
Alarm flickers in her eyes. “Faye…”
I grab her forearm, holding her tightly so she can’t pull away, and begin to undo the bond I had unknowingly made with them so long ago. As the magic digs in, it feels like scalding water being dropped on my skin. Like pulling teeth or breaking bones.
Jezi’s face contorts along with mine, and
I fight against her magic to continue the spell.
“Faye,” Weldon says, warning in his tone.
The elevator doors open back up and Jaxen rushes out, yelling at me to stop.
But he’s too late. It’s over. Done. I look at my arm and know the link is gone.
I already feel hollow. Feel like Jaxen was a dream I just woke up from.
Jaxen grabs me by my arms and shakes me. “Why did you do that?” he shouts at me, tears running down his cheeks. “Why?”
I can’t form words. Can hardly see past the blur in my eyes.
“You… you left me.” A sad, broken look fills his eyes as he lets go. The same look he had when he first found out about his mother. He stumbles backward, and then he turns and runs for the stairs, taking the last of my heart along with him.
“Why?” Jezi asks, hurt marring her trembling voice.
I touch her arm and swallow hard so I can explain. “Because… he needs to choose you. Okay?”
Her head tilts to the side as she absorbs what I just said, and then she straightens up as she realizes what I’m talking about.
I’m giving everything up… the love of my life… so she can remain safe.
“I was wrong about you. I thought… I thought for sure the bond you both shared would be unbreakable, and I would pay for it,” she says, her face filling with resolve. She quickly wipes the tears from her eyes. “But you’re nothing like the rest of us. You’re… you’re selfless. You’re exactly what this Coven needs. I believe in you, Faye, and, as long as you’re fighting, I’ll fight beside you, however you need me to. Okay?”
My entire body shakes from the ripping pain tearing through my insides. It’s killing me to stand rooted to this spot. To not feel Jaxen’s mind in mine.
“Okay.” I nod to the stairs Jaxen disappeared on as my throat clenches up. I won’t be able to get another word out to her without breaking down. Jezi turns and heads for the stairs.
Weldon puts his arm over my shoulder and forces me into a hug. “You did good, mouse.”
I lay my forehead against his chest, so glad I don’t have to go through this alone. “Then why does it hurt so bad?” I ask as the tears spill.