“You…she wasn’t a one night stand?”
He shakes his head. “No, she wasn’t.”
“Then, you wanted me?”
His eyes widen, and for a moment he seems too shocked to speak. “Of course I fuckin’ wanted you. I wanted that life. I wanted a family.”
“Then what went wrong?” I croak out.
“Jasper happened.”
I flinch, that name sends shivers up my spine and lodges itself into the coldest parts of my soul. Jasper is, or was, my mother’s pimp. He was also my nightmare, and took my virginity before I was ready to give it. He’s after me now, for more reasons than one.
“You’re familiar with Jasper?” Jackson says.
“Something like that,” I say, not wanting to give my father any more information. “My mother was a whore before she met you then?”
He nods, his face scrunching with a moment of pain and a little disgust. “Yeah, she was. I didn’t know. I met her at a bar one night, didn’t even fuckin’ think that she was there whoring. We didn’t fuck that night; we talked all night long. We did that for about four or five days, things were good; I liked her. Then we got together one heated night and didn’t use protection. She got pregnant and we decided to give it a go. She never even indicated that she had that kind of life. She told me her parents lived overseas, and were wonderful. I didn’t even question when she had us movin’ around all the time. I now know it was because Jasper was after her. She owed him money. When he caught up with us, you were just about to turn four. I still remember the look on her face when he showed up at our door. When he told me what he was there for, I didn’t fuckin’ believe him. No way he was tellin’ the truth. No way my sweet, loving Emily was a fuckin’ whore. I confronted her. She told me it was true, that she was a whore. I lost my shit and walked out; I was hurt and angry. When I came back, she was gone and so were you. Turns out her name wasn’t even Emily. I didn’t know how to find her. How do you find someone with a false name and a false life?”
I ponder this information for a long moment before answering. “You didn’t abandon me like she said?”
He looks hurt by that. “No, fuck no. I came back when I cooled down and she was gone. Went with that little prick, never even stayed behind to explain. She took you with her.”
“Then the first time you heard about me since then, was after she died?”
“Yeah, apparently she had my name in her will. That’s how I got in contact with you. They rang me to tell me she passed on.”
“Yeah, they told me your name was in there; it’s how we located you.”
He nods. “I never intended for you to have the life you did, but I assumed she might have taken you to her wonderful parents, and that she got out of that bad life. She did love you, Addison.”
I flinch. “Don’t,” I whisper. “For starters, her parents are dead. They were never real, and secondly, you don’t know what she was like.”
“I saw what she was like with you, before she left. You were her sunshine.”
“Do you feed your sunshine to the wolves? Do you drag your sunshine through a life so violent and horrible it damages it for life? No you don’t. If she loved me, she would have sent me with you. If she loved me, she would have made a decent life for us. She would have found a way.”
“Sometimes, there is no way, when you’ve sunk yourself so deep.”
I stare at him, hurt. “You’re on her side? You think it’s okay what she did?”
“No, I don’t fuckin’ think it’s okay. If she was here, I’d put her on her ass. All I’m sayin’ is that sometimes things get so bad, you can’t go back.”
“You can always go back, Jackson.”
I stand before he can say anything else, and begin walking back towards the stairs. I don’t want to talk about this anymore, what’s the point? He’s got his opinion, and I don’t need to hear that my mother loved me, when I know she didn’t. If some part of her did, it wasn’t enough. I am just about at the stairs when Jackson calls my name. I stop and stare back at him, forcing my emotions down.
“For what it’s worth, I never wanted to let you go and I’m fuckin’ glad you’re here.”
With that, he flicks the television off, then he disappears into the small study, leaving me completely and utterly speechless.
~*CHAPTER 3*~
PAST
I rub my arms. I’m cold, and I can’t stop shaking. I hate coming down, going up is always a relief, coming down sucks. I don’t do it often enough to become used to it, even then, I don’t think I could. I only do it to escape him. It’s all I have. I feel my eyes darting around, even though my body isn’t doing anything but shaking. I scan the room; I’m sure I heard something. I scurry towards the curtains and peer out, but there’s no one around. I’m sure I hear phone’s ringing, but I don’t have a phone. I hate this. I hate it. Sweat slides down my face, trickling over my cheeks and down my neck. I shake so violently my teeth clatter together.
“There she is.”
I hear the raspy voice that haunts my dreams, and I turn to see Jasper standing at the door, fully naked, stroking his cock. I gag. I gag and gag until I struggle to breathe. I feel so utterly helpless, like no matter what I do right now, I won’t escape this. There is no feeling in the world that could be worse than being completely trapped with no way out.
“So nice to see you’re excited to see me, as you can see, I’m excited to see you.”
Please, just leave me alone. All I want, is to be left alone. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be forced. I just want freedom. Just for one moment. I will fight. I will beg, but in the end, the result is always the same. He will take what he wants, and he will leave a part of me that much more broken.
“Leave me be,” I rasp.
“Coming down from that meth high? Always fun.”
I hate him. One day, I’ll kill him. I will. I’ll take a knife to his heart, or a gun to his head. One day, I’ll free myself from this.
“Just. Get. Lost,” I wail, and my voice sounds high pitched and childlike.
“Now come on, Addison, you and I both know you enjoy what I do to you.”
I gag again, and this time a dribble of bile slides from my throat, out of my mouth, and down my chin. He won’t leave, he never does. When he’s like this, I can fight as much as I like, but he won’t leave. The only thing I can do is survive it. I grip the side of the table, pulling myself closer to it. There’s still a line of white powder on the edge. I pull out an old five dollar note and roll it up, then I grip my hair, pulling it away from my face. I press the rolled note into my nose, and I lean down, snorting it until it’s burning and my eyes are watering. In a moment, just a small moment, everything will be fuzzy.
That’s how I survive. No one said it was right.
~*PRESENT*~
The first day at work in the compound is utterly gut wrenching. Though I try not to show it, I am having a slight breakdown inside. I spent the entire morning in my room, pulling my hair up, fixing my make-up and trying my best to keep my nerves under wraps. I don’t know how I’ll be treated. I don’t know if they’ll hate me, or like me, or both. I’ve had many experiences in my life, but bikers aren’t one of them. There’s a certain part of their lives that sparks an inner fear inside me. It’s the dominant, strong, never back down part, I think. I have to keep my chin up, though, because I know that I can beat anything that’s thrown at me. Heck, I have beaten everything that’s been thrown at me.
Luckily for me, most of the guys are good when I arrive at work. A few even give me smiles of encouragement. This surprises me. I honestly thought they would give me hell. Maybe they’re just being nice because I’m Jackson’s daughter. I meet a few of the other girls, or ‘old ladies’ as most like to call them. The two that are constantly around, Mary and Poppy, seem decent enough. They help me out where I need it, and give me a run down on the club and how it works. They also inform me that I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the fact t
hat I was Jackson’s daughter. Fair enough, I suppose. Rules are rules, and let me tell you, I’ve been given a fair list of them.
Jackson gave me a run down on the way out of the house this morning. He told me to shut my mouth, do my job and then leave the compound. I wasn’t to go snooping, or walking around, or interrupting anyone’s day-to-day activity. I was there to work, plain and simple. So, here I am, doing my job, keeping my mouth shut and avoiding all contact with the bikers unless they ask me directly for something, which is usually a beer.
I am mid-way through cleaning some glasses when a cool, smooth, sexy voice fills my ears. My body shivers. It’s an automatic reaction to a voice that sounds like his. I lift my eyes to see Cade, the man I met yesterday, leaning over the bar.
“Hello there, sugar, got a beer for me?”
I stare at him for a long moment, then I turn and grip a beer from the fridge, tossing it at him.
“Ain’t ya gonna open that for me?”
Smart ass. I turn with a silky smile and uncap the top. He grins at me, showing those devastating dimples. His green eyes look divine under this light, so bright, so clear, anyone would get lost in those eyes.
“How’s your first day goin’?” he asks.
I raise my brow at him. “You’re not interested in my first day. What is it you really want to ask?”
He grins again, like he’s completely amused by every single word that leaves my mouth.
“You got a man?”
Seriously? I put my hands on my hips and shake my head.
“Does that line work on women?”
“I don’t have to use lines on women, sugar.”
I bet he doesn’t.
“Then why the question?”
“Curiosity, see, I know you’re runnin’ from somethin’. I’m figuring it’s a man, but I could be wrong.”
“You’re wrong, and I’m not running.”
He raises a brow. “No?”
“No.”
“Think you’re fuckin’ lyin’ now.”
I snort. “And you know this because you know me so incredibly well that you can see I’m lying?”
He chuckles. “Sugar, you’re lying, I can see it written all over you. The way your eyes twitched when I said that, the way your body stiffened just a touch. So, I assume I’m right about one thing, you’re runnin’ from somethin’. Not a man, but somethin’.”
“My life,” I grind out, hating that he is so right, “is none of your fucking business.”
“A reaction, you know what that means, yeah?” he teases.
“It means if you don’t shut up, I’ll dive over this bar and give you something to talk about.”
He stares at me a long moment, then throws his head back and roars with laughter. My fists clench, I’m so damned angry right now. I want to punch that beautiful jaw. I want to grip his hair and tug until he growls. I just want to hurt him.
“Sugar, you’re extremely entertaining, by all means, keep goin’.”
I glare at him. “Can you leave? I’m busy.”
He looks at the empty bar. “Oh yeah?”
“Fuck off, Cade.”
“Ouch, you wound me.”
I sigh, giving up on my attempt to get rid of him. I pick up the dish towel and continue drying the glasses. For a long moment, he watches me, just letting his gaze run over my body. I feel every second of it too.
“Where you from?”
I look up at him, brows raised. “None of your business.”
“Can’t a man even have a conversation with you? Didn’t anyone teach you manners, sugar?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Where are you from?” I throw back.
He smirks, “I’m from here, now it’s your turn.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I’m not telling you where I’m from.”
“Running from something?”
“Are we back to that again?” I say, placing the glass down and picking up another one.
“Well, tell me where you’re from and we won’t be back to that.”
“No.”
“Fine, tell me about yourself.”
I give him a sharp look. “Do you ever give up?”
“No sugar.”
My mouth twitches, and I can’t stop it. He notices, and a broad, beautiful smile stretches across his face.
“Girl, you would look real pretty if you smiled.”
“Smiling is over rated.”
He chuckles softly. “Yeah. How’s things going with Jacks?”
I shrug. “Awkward. We hardly know each other.”
“He’s a good man.”
I put stack the glasses and put them into the shelf nearby. “I never said he wasn’t.”
“He’s real proud of you.”
I flinch, and then slowly turn back to Cade. “I doubt that.”
“He looks at you with pride. We all see it.”
I ignore him. There’s no point in arguing. If that’s what he thinks he can see, then so be it.
“You’re safe here, you know that right? Whatever you’re running from, it can’t touch you here.”
I stiffen, but before I can answer him, a sexy female voice fills my ears.
“Cade, there you are.”
I peer over my shoulder to see an attractive blonde walking over. She’s gorgeous, tatted up and completely rocking the biker chick look. Her tight leather pants fit around her ass like they’ve been glued on, her top, don’t get me started on her top. She might as well take it off; it would probably be less erotic. She saunters over to Cade, grips his shirt and pulls him in for a kiss that has my cheeks flushing. I turn away, not wanting to witness this public display of affection.
“Britney, not now, babe. I’m busy.” I hear Cade grunt.
“You said that yesterday, and the day before, there a problem?”
I can’t help but listen in, it’s hard not to. Is this girl Cade’s old lady? It would make sense; she’s certainly gorgeous enough to be at his side.
“No, I’m just fuckin’ busy.”
“Who’s the new chick?”
I flinch, knowing full well she’s talking about me. I turn, staring over at her. She scowls at me, as she lets her gaze slide over my body. I return the favor, letting her see that there’s no way in hell I’m intimidated by her.
“That’s Jackson’s little girl, best you shut your mouth around her,” Cade says.
Britney snorts. “Jackson and me have an understanding. He won’t mind me making sure she knows her place around here.”
“An understanding?” Cade snorts. “You mean you sucked his dick and earned a moment of respect?”
Yuck.
“Fuck you, Cade. I wouldn’t have to suck dick if you just made me your old lady.”
Ah, so she’s not his old lady. Interesting.
“Not gonna happen, lady, so stop fuckin’ tryin’.”
“Whatever. I came to tell you Jackson is lookin’ for you. It’s time for church.”
Church, a bikers once a week meeting that they all have to attend, no excuses. Cade stands, ignoring her. He turns, leans over the bar, and flashes me that panty-dropping smile.
“We’ll finish our conversation later, sugar.”
Then he turns and saunters out looking like God’s gift to women. Okay, so the likeliness is that he is, in fact, God’s gift. Which just makes it that much harder to look away. I let my eyes swing to Britney, who is now glaring at me. She’s giving me the kind of look that suggests it’s my fault her piece of ass just walked out. I give her my best smile, turn and walk off, but not before hearing her mumble the one word that tears at my heart strings and has my whole body burning with hurt, even though I don’t let it show.
She calls me a whore.
~*~*~*~
“Clean up, then I’ll take you home.”
I turn and see Jackson leaning against the bar. I’ve been working here for a week now, and so far things have been good. Most of the guys are kind to me, though they are all very roug
h. The girls are still unsure, but all of them show a certain level of respect because I’m Jackson’s daughter. Fair enough, I suppose, but I would prefer to earn my own respect.
“I’m just going to walk,” I say softly, placing the final glass down. Let me tell you, if I have to clean glasses after this experience, I’ll stab myself in the eye with a blunt instrument.
“You okay, girl?” he asks, straightening and focusing on me.
Jackson has been trying, he really has. He even filled the house with food and put his clothes in the laundry basket instead of all over the house. I know that’s an effort for him, and it’s an effort I appreciate. We’ve had a few basic conversations, but mostly, we stay out of each other’s way. I feel a certain pull towards Jackson that I’m trying to fight. If I get too close to him, then I’ll struggle to walk away, and I know I have to walk away.
“I’m fine, just tired.”
He nods, digging into his pocket and pulling out a wad of cash. He hands it to me, and I stare down at it.
“What’s this?”
“First weeks’ pay.”
My hearts swells as I stare down at the cash. To most, this wouldn’t be a memorable moment, for me, it’s the beginning of my new life. I earned this on my own, without having to rely on another person. This cash, it’s all mine.
“Thank you,” I breathe, still staring at what has to be at least $500.
“You earned it, now go home, the girls can finish up here.”
I nod, and I attempt to give him a smile. He returns it, flashing me what would be an award-winning smile.
“Thanks, Jackson.”
He nods, and turns to walk out. When he gets to the door, he glances over at me. “One day, I hope you’ll call me Dad.” Then he leaves me there, feeling that ache in my heart spread further through my chest. I believe that ache might be the beginnings of something I’ve never felt for a parent before – I think that ache is love.