His eyes moved down her body, making her feel hot inside. "The Crowleys are old friends of mine. I'm spending Christmas here. Running away from home, if you like. Is your family from this area?"
"No, I'm just visiting. I don't get done with work until just before Christmas, with grades being due. It's too complicated to travel a long way on Christmas Eve, so I usually spend it with friends here." She felt like she was babbling. She tried to ignore the part of her brain that wanted to find out if he still smelled like evergreens and dark spice, to feel his skin under her fingertips.
A well-dressed older man came past and nudged Calder in the arm. "Westing, you lucky devil, you managed to catch a pretty one! All I found under the mistletoe this year was Mildred Samuelson." He pointed above them.
Cassie's eyes traveled upwards to discover the sprig of mistletoe in the arch above them. She brought her hand up as if to hold Calder at bay, and said quickly, "There's no need. It's just an accident of timing."
"Can't break with tradition, can you, Westing?" the older man said with a broad wink.
Calder smiled slowly and said in a tone of discovery, "You're right. I am a lucky devil."
She felt mesmerized as his fingers touched her cheek gently. Slowly, he leaned toward her until his lips caressed hers gently, and in a rush of sensation, she was transported back to the last time she had felt his kiss. He took advantage of her moment of weakness to tease her lips apart with his tongue.
Desire raced through her as he gently explored her mouth, drawing an undeniable response from her. Nothing had changed. Despite everything, he still had that unique power to arouse her.
She was so caught up in the pleasure of his lips on hers that she hardly noticed his arms going around her. Nothing could be more natural than for her to slip her arms around his neck. He groaned softly against her mouth as their bodies finally met, and she understood perfectly. The feeling of his body against hers sent an electric current of desire through her, fueling the ache deep within her where she had felt empty for months. With a sigh of pleasure, she arched against him, luxuriating in the feeling of his body pressing against her breasts.
Their tongues danced in an age-old manner, familiar from memories she had replayed so often, but with a new life. Finally, he released her lips, leaving her looking at him breathlessly. His hand lightly caressed her lower back, each movement creating a greater need in her.
It took an effort to remember where they were and how inappropriate this was. At least the older man had disappeared, probably embarrassed by their display. With a sense of shock, she realized how very close she was to giving him whatever he wanted, all for a kiss under the mistletoe she had tried to avoid.
It must be temporary insanity. With a touch of panic, she disentangled herself from Calder. How humiliating to discover she could still fall into his arms like that! Determined to hide how profoundly he had affected her, she said pointedly, "My, that's potent mistletoe."
He smiled that slow, satisfied smile that made her insides melt and reached for her again. Quickly, she stepped back and crossed her arms. "So, how is Scott these days?" she asked.
"The last I heard, he was working hard, but otherwise I believe he's fine." He paused, looking at her, and said as if as an afterthought, "How's Erin?"
Cassie lifted her chin a little. "She's as well as one can expect under the circumstances." Getting angry was preferable to feeling her attraction to him.
"Under what circumstances?"
How could he pretend not to know? She thought of the sadness in Erin's voice when they talked. In a deceptively calm tone, she said, "You know, I wouldn't have thought it of Scott. He seemed so genuine. I never guessed he was just amusing himself with her. Appearances are misleading, though. Not a lesson I'll forget quickly. Nor will Erin."
He looked taken aback at her words. Perhaps no one had ever told him before that discarded toys have feelings. And she had no intention of becoming one.
"Scott wasn't just amusing himself. He fell for Erin as hard as I've ever seen him fall, but with a little distance, he realized it couldn't work and decided it would be better to end it sooner rather than later."
"And why couldn't it work?" she asked evenly.
"They were following different paths. Don't get me wrong; I like Erin, but it wouldn't work for Scott to be involved with a woman in academia. He wants a wife who will be at home with him, not working all hours trying to get tenure. They would both have been unhappy."
Cassie forced herself to keep her breath even. "Let me guess. Being the loyal friend you are, you pointed this out to him."
"Well, we talked about it," he admitted, sounding puzzled.
Cassie had rarely been so furious, nor struggled so hard to hide it. "Well, bully for you. It's been lovely running into you, Calder, but I need to find my friends. Excuse me." She turned on her heel, not waiting to hear his response.
She hunted through the house until she finally found Tim. "Having a good time?" she asked.
One look was enough to tell him something was wrong. "Is everything all right, Cassie?"
"I… I'm just feeling a little headachy. Would it be all right with you if I took the car, then came back for you later?"
"Maybe I should take you."
"No, please don't bother. I just need to be out of the crowd."
"If you're sure." He cast his eyes meaningfully toward the attractive man standing beside him.
Cassie managed a strained smile. "I'm sure."
Tim gave her the keys, assuring her he could find a ride home. Cassie, glancing at the blond man, suspected she might not see him until morning.
She considered finding the Crowleys to thank them for the evening, but decided in favor of bad manners in case Calder might be with them. She wasn't sure if she could remain civil to him. To kiss her like that, and then show no shame whatsoever about what he had done to poor Erin!
On the other hand, he had no reason not to think she would jump into bed with him the moment he touched her. After all, she'd done it twice already. Easy. That was the word for women like her. He was probably used to women who would do anything he wanted.
She asked a servant for her coat and was just putting it on when she heard an all-too-familiar voice at her side.
"You're not going already?" Calder asked.
"I have a headache." And he had caused it.
"I'm sorry to hear that. Can I get you anything for it?"
"No, thanks. I just need some peace and quiet." She didn't like it when he was thoughtful. It made it harder to stay angry with him.
"I won't hold you up, then. But I'd like to see you again sometime."
She gave him a disbelieving look. Surely he couldn't think that, after what he had said about Erin, she would be willing to have a fling with him? Trying to sound composed, she said, "Given our propensity for running into each other unexpectedly, it's just possible you will. Good night, Calder."
He caught at her arm. "Please, Cassie. I mean it. I want to see you again."
"But Calder, I'm an academic, and you know what that would do to a relationship. I'm sorry, but you'll have to find someone else to amuse you on this vacation." She wrapped her scarf around her neck.
"Cassie, I can understand why you're angry, but please listen. I know it won't be easy, but we can work things out somehow. God knows I've tried to forget you, and I can't."
She was too angry even to feel the shock of his declaration. "It's too bad Scott and Erin won't ever have that chance. And guess what? Erin isn't even in academia anymore. She has a nine-to-five job developing a science curriculum for a school system out in California. She decided to stop looking for a teaching position even before she came to Woods Hole this summer. She never had the drive to try for a tenure-track position, and she knew it."
His face registered disbelief. "That's not what she told Scott."
"What was she supposed to tell him? She'd already applied for a job at Cambridge Biotech. What would that have looked like? She wanted to get
the job on her own merits, not because of knowing the boss. Unfortunately, they didn't offer her the job until October, and by then it was already too late. She withdrew every single one of her applications to biotech companies, just so she would never run into him at a conference."
"I'm sorry. I had no idea."
"No, you certainly didn't! And you didn't bother to ask!"
"Cassie," he began and then paused. "Cassie, could we try starting this conversation over again? I didn't mean to make you angry."
"That's nice." She shoved her hand into a fleece glove. "But you're wasting your time. I'm not a plaything, to be picked up and discarded whenever you like. Scott had what he wanted from Erin and didn't give a damn how much it hurt her. And you think I'll let you do that to me? Sorry, it's not going to work. I am not a rich man's toy."
He looked at her as if she had slapped him. He dropped his hand from her arm. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean… Never mind. There isn't any point, is there? I'm sorry to have bothered you."
His pained, withdrawn expression was almost enough to engage her sympathies; almost, but not quite, and her temper, once lost, was near unmanageable. Torn by conflicting impulses, she wrenched the door open and walked out into the night. The cold air stinging against her cheeks was a relief from the blazing heat of anger within her.
It took her a few minutes to find Tim's car among all the others. She fired up the ignition and headed down the long, winding driveway. Her eyes were burning, but it wasn't until she reached the main road and found a safe place to pull over that she leaned her head against the leather steering wheel and gave way to the luxury of tears.
Calder stood alone in the cold on the steps of the Crowley mansion, hoping against hope she would turn back. So much for second chances. As the tail lights of her car disappeared from view, he said quietly, "Merry Christmas, Cassie."
Chapter 8
CASSIE'S INITIAL FORTHRIGHT FURY with Calder gave way over the next few days to a more complex mixture of grief, anger, and self-loathing. She grieved for Erin and the derailment of her career, but she couldn't blame Calder, or even Scott, for that. Erin had done that herself with her own fears. Calder's assumption that she was his for the asking still rankled, but she turned the same bitter anger on herself when she thought of how close he was to being right; how her body and her needs had betrayed her and come close to invalidating, if not destroying, the independence she had worked so hard to build ever since she was ten years old.
As the days turned to weeks and the new semester began, she taught herself once again to put the episode from her mind. She debated whether to tell Erin about what she'd learned, but she feared the knowledge would hurt her friend even more by reminding her of what she had lost. Then she opened her email one cold February morning to a surprise.
To:
[email protected] From: Scott Dunstan
Subject: Erin's email address
Hi Cassie,
I hope you don't mind me bothering you like this out of the blue. I've been trying to reach Erin, but the email addy I have for her at Duke doesn't work anymore. I tried calling the biology department, but all they say is that she's no longer there. I was about to give up when I realized I could get your address from the Haverford staff directory.
So anyway, could you send me Erin's new email addy and maybe her phone number? I would appreciate it more than I can tell you.
I hope you're having a great year. Maybe I'll see you this summer in Woods Hole!
Scott
Cassie debated what to do. It would be easy enough to forward it on to Erin and let the choice be hers, but she didn't want to take Erin by surprise, not when she herself was still hurting from the shock of seeing Calder at the Christmas party.
Had Calder told Scott about Erin's new job? She wanted to pretend it would be beneath him, but she couldn't forget his look of bewilderment when she lost her temper with him and the times in their acquaintance when he seemed to possess human feelings and failings—the night in the lab when he told her about his uncle, his fear for her safety in the water, and the sex. She wouldn't dignify it with the name of making love—no, it had been little more than physical gratification—but she couldn't deny that he was a considerate and tender lover, as interested in her pleasure as his own. He might well have talked to Scott after the party. It shouldn't matter to her whether he had or not, but it did.
Erin sounded tired and subdued when Cassie finally reached her that evening. Cassie took a deep breath. "Erin, sweetie, I have something to tell you, and I don't know if it's going to upset you or please you, so I hope you're sitting down."
Erin said, "You're not getting married, are you?"
"Far from it. The only offer I've had in ages was for a hot holiday fling—marriage wasn't in the picture, believe me. No, this is about you."
"Okay. Maybe you'd better tell me then."
"I got an email from Scott today. He's been trying to reach you, and wanted me to send him your new email address."
There was silence on the line. Finally Erin said faintly, "Did you?"
"No; I thought I should ask you first."
There was a pause. "What did he say, exactly?"
"Do you want me to read it to you, or send it?"
"Read it. I don't want it sitting in my inbox."
Cassie read it to her as neutrally as possible and then said, "There's something else I need to tell you, too. At Christmastime I ran into Calder Westing at a party, and he said Scott broke up with you because you were too dedicated to an academic career to have time for him. I told Calder you weren't in academia anymore, and why you had said that you were. So maybe Scott has had a change of heart, if Calder told him that."
"So now that I have a job he likes, he wants me back?" Erin said, her voice shaky. "Cass… look, I need to think about this. I'll get back to you, okay?"
"Whatever you want. And I'm here any time you want to talk."
Last year at this time, Erin would have asked her advice and told all her feelings. Now she kept her own counsel more.
It was several days before she heard from Erin.
To: C. Boulton
From: Erin
Subject: Scott
Please tell him I said no.
To: Scott Dunstan
From: C. Boulton
Subject: Re: Erin's email address
Sorry, Scott. I talked to Erin, and she asked me not to give you her address or phone number. Wish I could help.
To: C. Boulton From: Scott Dunstan
Please, Cassie. I feel terrible about what happened last fall. I really need to talk to her about it. Tell her I'm begging.
To: Scott Dunstan
From: C. Boulton
Scott, I'm truly sorry, but she still says no.
To: C. Boulton From: Scott Dunstan
Isn't there anything I can do? Could I send you a letter to forward on to her? Help me, please.
To: Scott Dunstan From: C. Boulton
Scott, all this is accomplishing is upsetting Erin even more. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to ask her any more questions on your behalf. I wish I could give you a different answer, but I don't have one.
To: C. Boulton From: Scott Dunstan
Can I ask you just one more question, and then I promise to stop bothering you. Is she seeing someone else?
To: Scott Dunstan From: C. Boulton
No, she isn't seeing anyone. She's still hurt about what happened between you, and I think it'll be a while before she's ready for a new relationship. I've never seen her take a breakup so hard. You were very important to her.
Give her time. She knows you want to talk to her, and how to reach you if she wants to contact you. It may just be a matter of time if you're willing to be patient.
Cassie looked at this last email for a few minutes before clicking Send. If Erin knew about it, she'd be upset with her for encouraging Scott. Cassie hoped he would take it in the spirit it was meant. She remembered how happy Erin had been when she was with S
cott, and she hated to see her give up if there was still a chance. On the other hand, she wasn't sure patience was a virtue Scott possessed.
She didn't raise the matter to Erin again, and Erin didn't ask. Scott became a taboo subject between them, just as Calder had been. Cassie worried about her and hated feeling helpless over Erin's pain. But there was nothing she could do about it except to stay in close contact and hope that someday Erin would be willing to talk to her about her feelings again.
In March, right in the middle of midterms, Cassie received an unexpected phone call.
"Dr. Boulton, this is Ella Connors. I don't think we've met. I'm the director of finances at the MBL. I wonder if I could have a few moments of your time."