"Dan Winters . . . " I shook my head in amazement. "I thought you had taste. Guess I was wrong."
"So much for being nice to each other," my sister said wistfully.
"Okay, look, I'll be nice," I said. "I just want to know one thing. And this is serious. Why him? I mean, let's forget for a second that he's got more holes in his face than the dark side of the moon. The guy's a scuzzball."
"You're so typical, Jake," Jessica replied. "I mean, could you be a little less jealous?"
"Jealous? No way. I'd just really like to know what girls see in him."
"Well, he's the only boy in my grade who acts mature," my sister said. "He's very self-assured and he isn't afraid to treat a girl nicely. And even though he does have a minor skin problem, he's still one of the better-looking boys, and a very good dresser."
"Know what we just learned in school?" I said. "In the old days, guess what they called guys who dressed real fancy?"
"I don't know," my sister said. "What?"
"Dandies," I said. "Dandy Dan the Zitface Man."
Jessica made a face. "That's really brilliant, Jake."
Then I had an idea. "Hey, if you have a date with Dandy Dan tomorrow, it's even more important that you and I switch. Otherwise you're going to be up all night worrying about Dr. Paine. You'll miss your beauty sleep. Tomorrow you'll probably have big dark ugly rings under your eyes. I bet Dandy Dan won't find that very attractive. And your hair won't get any sleep either. Ever heard of tired limp hair? That's what you're going to have tomorrow. And — "
"Good try, Jake." Jessica waved good-bye. "Now be nice and . . . disappear."
6
That night I lay in bed, gnawing on my fingernails. I had a serious problem. For almost a year I'd been trading E-mail with Sumi, and I hadn't exactly been honest. Most of my lies had been in the area of athletics. I'd kind of hinted that I was a really good athlete. Actually, I'd pretty much said I was so good that I was being scouted by a bunch of major professional teams.
The truth is that no eighth-grader in history has ever been scouted by a major professional team.
But as long as Sumi was halfway around the world, it didn't matter, right?
I glanced at the clock on the nightstand: 10 P.M. In about twelve hours Sumi was going to arrive. Just in time for the big touch football game. It wouldn't take her long to figure out that I wasn't the greatest athlete around.
Rap! Rap! Someone knocked on my door.
"Yeah?" I called.
"It's me." Jessica pushed the door open.
We stared at each other in the dim light. She hardly ever came to my room. Now she'd come twice in the same day. It had to be some kind of record.
"What's up?" I asked.
Jessica tugged on her earlobe. "First thing in the morning, you have to take a long shower and change into all clean clothes."
"Serious?" I gasped.
She nodded.
"How come you changed your mind?"
"Dr. Paine."
"Can't stand the thought of that torture, huh?" I had to smile to myself.
"Let's not talk about it," Jessica said. "Just
make sure you wash everywhere."
"Deal." I couldn't believe she was going to do
it!
Jessica sighed. "I must be crazy."
"Believe me," I said. "You'll thank me for this."
7
The next morning I showered and put on clean clothes. I was in the kitchen having cereal and orange juice when Jessica came in wearing a baggy gray sweatshirt and sweatpants. Our parents always slept late on Saturday mornings.
"Did you scrub everywhere?" she asked, looking me over.
"Yup."
"Washed your hair?"
"Yup."
"With shampoo?"
"Believe it." I held up my hands. "Look, even the nails are clean."
"What nails?" Jessica asked. "You've bitten most of them into nothing."
"Not true," I said. "I just like to keep them short."
"If they were any shorter you wouldn't have any fingernails at all," my sister said, still looking me over. "All clean clothes?"
"You bet."
"Clean underwear?"
"Absolutely."
"Clean socks?"
"Yup."
Jessica gave me a skeptical look, as if she didn't believe me. "Want to take a whiff?" I picked up my foot and offered it to her.
"No thanks." She backed away.
"How come you're wearing old sweats?" I asked, pointing at her outfit.
"I don't want you drooling all over my good clothes," she replied.
"I never drool," I said, deeply offended.
"You will after Dr. Paine gets finished with you," my sister said. "Ready to go?"
"Wait a minute," I said. "Aren't you going to have some breakfast first?"
Jessica shook her head. "I never eat before the dentist."
"Maybe you don't, but I do," I said. "I don't want to starve until lunch."
"When you get into my body, you can eat anything you — " she caught herself. "No, wait! I take that back! No chocolate, Jake. You hear me? Under no circumstances are you to eat chocolate."
"Why not?" I asked. "Then you and Dandy Dan will have something in common — Monster Pimples!"
"Will you stop that?" Jessica snapped. "His complexion isn't that bad."
"Are you kidding?" I gasped. "If his zits were any bigger you'd need four-wheel drive to get across his forehead. If his face was flat, they could serve it as a pizza. If one of those zits erupted, it could bury a city."
Jessica smirked. "Very funny. Now, are you ready or not?"
"Almost. I just need to leave Dad a note asking him to drop Sumi off at school for the game. We're playing on the school field." I wrote the note and left it on the refrigerator.
"Okay, I'm ready," I said.
But Jessica had a funny look on her face.
"Now what?" I asked.
"Your mouth," she said.
"What about it?"
"I just realized I'm going to have your breath."
"So?"
A shiver seemed to go through my sister. "You have to brush your teeth . . . and gargle with mouthwash."
"What!? That's ridiculous."
Jessica crossed her arms and shook her head stubbornly. "Then I'm not switching. I don't care if Dr. Paine pulls every tooth out of my head."
"But my body isn't going to the dentist, yours is."
My sister stood firm. "Brush and gargle or no deal."
I took a deep breath and let out a long sigh to let her know I thought she was being ridiculous. Then I went back upstairs, brushed my teeth, and gargled. A little while later I came back down. "Happy?"
Jessica stepped toward me. "Exhale."
"What?"
"I said, exhale. I want to check."
"You're really sick, know that?" I said.
"We're trying to be nice to each other, remember?"
"Yeah, right." I exhaled.
My sister stuck her nose closer and sniffed.
"Did I pass?" I asked.
"For now," she answered.
"Well, come on, we better hurry." I started toward the door.
"What's the rush?" Jessica asked as she followed.
"We have to pick up Josh."
Jessica stopped. "Why?"
"Someone has to push the button on the Dirksen Intelligence Transfer System."
"The what?"
"That's what Mr. Dirksen calls his machine," I
explained. "Or the DITS for short."
"Well, no way." My sister shook her head. "I'm not doing this if your friend is involved. Forget it.
"What's the problem?" I asked.
"Are you serious, Jake? I don't want people to know you're in my body."
"Well, it's too late," I said. "I already called him. But it's cool. Josh won't tell anybody."
"Yeah, right." Jessica obviously didn't believe me.
"Look," I said. "Has he told anyone th
at Andy switched bodies with Lance? Or that I switched with the President of the United States?"
"Well, no . . . " my sister admitted.
"Then don't sweat it," I said, holding the front door open. "Josh is the most trustworthy guy I know. He won't tell anyone."
Jessica reluctantly went through the doorway. We stepped into the chilly morning air and started down the sidewalk toward Josh's house.
"You swear he'll be the only one who'll know?" she asked.
"Cross my heart and hope to die."
8
Josh lived a couple of blocks away. Jessica and I went up his front walk and rang the doorbell. The door swung open, but instead of Josh, Andy stood there.
He grinned at me. "Oh, wow! You're gonna switch bodies with your sister? I can't wait to see this!"
Jessica glared at me. "Cross your heart and hope to die? Well, drop dead, Jake."
Andy frowned. "Hey, what's the problem? Aren't you guys gonna do it?"
"Jessica's ticked because Josh wasn't supposed to tell anyone," I explained. "How'd you find out?"
"He told me," Andy said. "I mean, how come you wanted him to know and not me?"
"We only needed one person to run the DITS," I explained, looking past Andy and into Josh's house. "Where is Josh anyway?"
"He's coming," Andy said.
A moment later Josh came to the door. When he saw us he clapped his hands together and smiled broadly. "Cool! Are we ready?"
"What are you so happy about?" I asked.
"Are you kidding?" Josh closed the door behind him and we headed toward school. "With Jessica in your body there's no way we can lose today, Jake. We're gonna blow the other team right off the field."
"Well, just remember, it's not permanent," I said as we walked. "As soon as the game ends, we're switching back."
"Too bad," Andy muttered.
Josh stopped and sniffed. "Hey, what's that smell?"
I glanced at my sister. "What smell, Josh?"
"I don't know," Josh said. "Kind of smells like a piece of fruit that's been left out in the sun too long."
"Just drop it," Jessica grumbled.
A little while later we got to school. The young writers' conference was scheduled to start in the cafeteria. Everyone was supposed to meet there for an assembly before breaking up into smaller groups. Josh, Andy, Jessica, and I went past the cafeteria doors and started down the empty hall toward Mr. Dirksen's lab.
"Hey, wait a minute!" someone called behind us. "Where do you think you're going?"
9
We froze. Principal Blanco was standing in the hall behind us. He's a short pudgy man with curly black hair, who always wears dark suits.
He crossed his arms and gave us a knowing look. "Jake Sherman and friends, what a surprise."
"A surprise?" I repeated innocently. For some strange reason Principal Blanco thinks my friends and I are troublemakers. I really don't know where he gets that idea.
"What are you kids doing here?" the principal asked.
Everyone's eyes darted at me, as if it was my job to come up with an excuse. "Uh, we're here for the young writers' conference," I said.
Principal Blanco studied me suspiciously. "You? When was the last time you even picked up a book, Jake?"
"Well, uh, I figured this might be a good time to start," I said.
Principal Blanco gave me a weary look, then turned to Jessica. "And you're in tenth grade. You don't even go to this school anymore."
"I've decided I want to be a children's book writer," Jessica replied.
Principal Blanco scowled and sniffed the air. "What's that smell?"
"Patchouli oil," I said. "Jessica's wearing it. She thinks it's cool."
"Smells like old skunk," the principal said. "Anyway something tells me you kids are up to something."
I bit my lip nervously. If Principal Blanco threw us out we'd never get to switch bodies. My whole plan would be ruined.
"Honest, Mr. Blanco," I said. "We all want to know more about books and writing and authors."
Andy, Josh, and Jessica nodded in agreement.
Mr. Blanco rubbed his chin pensively. "If you're so interested, name five writers."
"Okay," I said. "Stephen King, R.L. Stine, and uh . . . " I ran out of names and glanced out of the corner of my eye at my friends, hoping they could help.
"Don't help him," Principal Blanco ordered. "I want to see if he can do it himself."
I bit a fingernail. "Uh . . . that Shakespeare guy!"
"Way to go!" Josh cheered.
"That's three," Mr. Blanco said. "You need two more, Jake."
"Uh . . . " Two more writers? That wasn't easy. "Uh . . . I know! Abe Lincoln!"
Mr. Blanco frowned. "He was a president, not a writer."
"But he wrote the Gettysburg Address," I reminded him.
"Doesn't count," said Mr. Blanco.
"How can you say that?" Josh asked. "The Gettysburg Address is a famous piece of writing. It's in all the history books."
"Oh, okay." Our principal sighed. "That's four. But the next one has to be a writer, not a politician."
I shut my eyes and tried to picture the books on my parents' bookshelf. "Uh, Donald Trump!"
Principal Blanco shook his head. "He's not a writer."
"What do you mean?" I asked. "He wrote at least two books."
"Sorry, try again."
I couldn't remember any other authors on my parents' bookshelf, so I tried to remember what was on my bookshelf. They were mostly sports books and I never paid attention to the authors'
names. Then I thought of something! "I know, Mad Libs!"
"Who?" Principal Blanco's forehead wrinkled. "Mad Libs," I said. "He's got tons of books." I turned to the others. "Am I right?"
Josh, Andy, and Jessica nodded enthusiastically.
"I've never heard of him," the principal said. "Check any bookstore," I said.
"It's true, Mr. Blanco," Andy said.
"And that makes five writers," Josh added.
Our principal nodded reluctantly. "Okay, I'll give you kids the benefit of a great deal of doubt. But you shouldn't be out here in the hall. You should be in the cafeteria with everyone else. Now get going. And I'll be watching you. If I catch you doing anything you're not supposed to be doing, you're out, understand?"
We had no choice, so we filed into the cafeteria where we sat down at a table. All around us little kids and their parents chattered excitedly, waiting for the conference to begin. I picked up a flyer from the table. It said something about the school choir performing in the music room that night.
"Now what?" Josh asked.
"We're running out of time." Jessica tugged nervously on her earlobe. "I'm supposed to be at Dr. Paine's in half an hour."
Suddenly the lights went out and the cafeteria grew dark. At the other end of the room a writer began to talk and show slides on a screen. I leaned across the table toward the others.
"Time to bail, guys," I whispered. "Under cover of darkness."
10
No one was in the hall. We quickly tiptoed down to Mr. Dirksen's lab. Inside was the Dirksen Intelligence Transfer System. From a large central computer console, dozens of wires led to two reclining chairs. The DITS was supposed to transfer learning from one person to another, but all it really did was switch their bodies.
Jessica hesitated when she saw it. "It looks different."
"Dirksen added the seats," I said. "To make people more comfortable."
My sister tugged at her earlobe. "Maybe this isn't such a good idea."
"You're not going to chicken out now?" I gasped. "Not after I got Josh and Andy up early and we snuck past Principal Blanco."
Andy was across the room, looking in the glass tanks where Mr. Dirksen kept various creatures like toads and mice. I noticed that he was giving me a funny look.
"What's with you?" I asked.
"I never thought you'd be so eager to turn into a girl," he said.
Neither
he nor Josh knew about Sumi. All they knew was that Jessica was going to play football in my body while I went to the dentist in hers.
"What's so bad about being a girl?" Jessica asked.
"Yeah, Andy." Josh smirked. "Jessica's a girl, and she's a better football player than you."
"Better than you too, dipwad," Andy shot back. "Look, guys, we're running out of time," I said. "It's now or never."
My sister stared reluctantly at the DITS. "But what if something goes wrong?"
"I promise you, nothing's going to go wrong," I said.
"Except that she's going to turn into you," Andy pointed out. "I mean, talk about your basic fate worse than death."
I glowered at him. "Oh, yeah? Well, you're so thick you stared at a carton of orange juice because it said concentrate."
"You're so dumb you thought a quarterback was a refund," he said.
"Oh, yeah?" I said. "Well, you're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped your mother." "Your breath is so bad," Andy replied, "the dentist will probably have to give himself gas!" Josh stepped between us. "Okay, guys, can it. We're running out of time. Don't forget, Andy, with Jessica in Jake's body we're winners. With Jake in Jake's body, we don't stand a chance."
"Thanks, guys," I said with a sniff. "I really appreciate it."
"Well, you have to admit it's true, Jake," Josh said.
I felt my shoulders sag. Maybe it was true, but I didn't need my friends to remind me. "Let's just get this over with."
Jessica and I sat in the reclining chairs. Josh stood at the computer and typed on the keyboard.
"Ready?" he asked
"This isn't going to hurt, is it?" my sister asked nervously.
"Well, you might feel a slight sensation, like a pinprick," I said.
"What?"Jessica gasped.
"Just a joke," I said. "You know, that's what Dr. Paine always says about the Novocain."
"Yuck, yuck," Jessica groaned. "You're such a comedian, Jake."
"Blast off," Josh said, and pressed a button. Whump!
Everything went black.
11
"Jake? Jessica?" a distant voice was calling to me, but I couldn't tell from where. I felt like I was in a thick fog.
"Jessica?" the voice sounded clearer.
I opened my eyes and looked up into Andy's face.