“I’m just dealing with some stuff right now and I want to make sure everything I have goes to the right place,” I said as I finally looked up into Ted’s face.
“Are you sick or something?” Ted asked, his face concerned.
“I guess you could say that.”
Ted was quiet for a moment as he looked at me. After a moment though he was back to business. This was the one instance when I was appreciative of Ted being such a business man. He would act concerned over my “sickness”, and maybe he was, but he was quick to move away from personal stuff and back to business. He would get every penny he could out of his clients. But it wasn’t like he wasn’t worth the bill. That was why I had chosen him. “Well, let’s go over all of your assets and discuss what you want to go to Jessica.”
“Everything’s to go to Jessica,” I said simply as I sat forward in my seat. “My houses, my accounts, the cars, everything.”
“Are you sure Alex?” he asked as he shifted uncomfortably in his stiff chair. “We’re talking about a lot of money here. Your grandfather passed quite a lot of wealth down to you.”
“Just do it,” I said, again feeling irritated.
Ted looked at me with disbelieving eyes for a moment. “I’ll pull your file,” he said, his expression back to business.
It had taken a lot more clarifying than it should have, but I walked out of there five hours later with a will in hand. Apparently “everything” didn’t seem clear enough to Ted. It felt weird working on a document that was applicable to my death, as I had already died. But we had worked it that even if I were to disappear, Jessica would get everything.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, pulling my mind out of the ominous future. I flipped it open. “Hey, Rod.”
X
I could smell something burning slightly as I walked through the door. That smell always made me cringe just a little. I found Amber working at the stove. I tried not to let it bother me, having someone else in my kitchen.
“I made dinner for us,” Amber said as she poured something in a bowl. “Jessica called and said she is going to be working late tonight.”
“Oh, uh…” I struggled for words as I sat at the bar. “I don’t… actually eat.” It felt unnatural talking about the whole angel thing with anyone other than Jessica or Emily. It was a pretty big secret to be letting other people in on.
“What?” she said with a disbelieving expression, as if I was trying to make a joke. “Oh,” she said after a second, her face turning serious. “Yeah, the whole wing thing, right?”
I chuckled. “Right.”
“Wish I would have known that before I cooked up all this food. Rod is working tonight as well.”
“Sorry,” I apologized. “Believe me, if I could eat it, I would.” Maybe. I didn’t trust too many other peoples cooking than my own.
“It’s alright, I’ll save some for Jessica.” Amber dished up a heaping plate and sat next to me at the bar.
“So how are you liking Washington so far?” I asked in an attempt to make conversation. I hated the fact that I really didn’t know more than one member of Jessica’s family.
“It’s better than Idaho, that’s for sure,” she said with a chuckle, forking some salad into her mouth. “And it’s really nice to see Jessica again. I missed her a lot.”
“I bet.”
“It really freaked me out when she left. We didn’t know what happened to her. She could have been dead for all I knew. She just disappeared off the face of the planet.”
I hadn’t really considered this before, what it must have been like for the ones Jessica left behind. I had only felt sorry for Jessica. What must things have been like to just up and leave like that?
“I can’t blame Jessica though. It was really bad. She didn’t really have any friends. Everyone just thought she was a freak. There was a lot of fighting at our house.”
“Were things really as bad between Jessica and your mom as she says?” I asked, my eyes glued to the tiled surface of the counter.
Amber swallowed her bite. “Probably worse than she says. Things were really bad toward the end. Did she tell you mom was going to have her committed?”
I nodded. That was the hardest part to believe, even though I knew she was telling the truth.
“That tells you how bad it was. Mom just couldn’t handle it anymore.
“I think that’s the biggest regret of her life though.” She paused, staring down into her food. “Mom cried for days at a time, after the reality of why Jessica had left set in. She was still terrified of Jessica but she knew it was her fault, Jessica running away.”
She took a few more bites, mulling something over.
“She called yesterday, you know. Our mom.”
“Really?” I said, surprise obvious in my voice. “What’d she say?”
“She didn’t know it was me who answered. I’m not ready for her to know where I am. I just asked to take a message. She just said she wanted to talk to Jessica. She said she wanted to make things right.”
“Have you told Jessica yet?” I asked, odd excitement building in my system at the possibility of finally getting to meet all of her family.
Amber shook her head. “I haven’t decided if it’s the right thing to do. My mom hurt Jessica really bad. I’m not sure if telling her is right.”
“I think it’s up to Jessica to decide if she wants to speak to your mother,” I said as I looked into Amber’s face. She looked back at me, her eyes studying me.
“You really love her, don’t you?” she said quietly, her eyes not leaving mine.
“More than I can say,” I half whispered.
She studied me silently for a few more moments before she spoke again. “Why does she look a little sad when she looks at you? I know she loves you and that you make her happier than I ever thought she could be. But why does she look like something hurts her every time she looks at you?”
My eyes finally dropped away. I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “I was going to ask your sister to marry me a few months ago. I even bought the ring. Things changed really fast though. I changed. Into what I am now. I know she doesn’t fully understand it, but I can’t ask her anymore.”
Amber didn’t respond for a long time, just forked a few bites into her mouth. “Things will work out somehow. They have to.”
“I hope so,” I said as I glanced over at her, a sad smile clinging to my face.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JESSICA
I had never seen the bookshop so busy. Being the middle of summer and a beautifully clear day brought everyone out and into town. Rita had called all of the employees to help out and I had been wrangled into helping out at the espresso machine.
“That will be $7.34,” I said to the balding man at the counter. He paid and the next customer stepped up to the counter.
The last week I felt like a machine working. My hands were doing what they were supposed to but my mind was just not there.
I should have been happy after Alex came back. Things seemed to be going great. Sal was happy and healthy. Rod and Amber were getting along, perhaps a little too well. Alex was as loving and attentive as ever. Even the fact that I still hadn’t been able to get a hold of Emily shouldn’t have brought me down as much as I was.
Everyone seemed to sense something was wrong. Amber had asked if there was anything bothering me, apparently even Rod sensed something was up. Alex asked if something was wrong, though he was always very careful in how he asked. I think he knew what was in fact wrong, but he tried to dance around it. He didn’t want me unhappy but he wasn’t willing to fix the actual problem.
And then there was the fact that I continued to find letters. I still occasionally felt eyes watching me, felt a presence from the shadows. It just made the situation between Alex and I all the worse. I knew it was shallow but I didn’t want Cole seeing that we were having problems. I could just imagine the smug smile he was wearing.
The high school aged girl before me had
to tell me twice what exactly it was she wanted. A few minutes later I found I had still gotten it wrong and the girl decided cursing at me was going to help.
“Why don’t we switch places for a little while?” Austin offered mercifully.
I gave a sheepish smile and gladly stepped aside. “Thanks,” I said. “I’ve been feeling a bit off today.”
He probably thought I wouldn’t hear him, I shouldn’t have heard him, as he muttered, “more than just today.”
I held back the urge to turn around and bite his head off. I felt more than a little irritated as I set about to making the drink orders that kept piling up.
He didn’t know me or anything that was going on in my life.
I searched around for a knife to open a new box of cups and distractedly set to hacking it open. Who did Austin think he was? He had no idea what I was dealing with.
I should have been paying more attention to what I was doing. It took me a second to even realize that my hand had slipped. The blade was burrowed into the soft patch of skin between my thumb and index finger on my left hand.
The scream of pain that wanted to jump from my lips was barely contained as I stared horrified at the knife that was lodged into my hand. The sensations of pain dropped away however as I waited for the blood to start flowing. It didn’t.
I couldn’t make sense of what was happening. The knife had to be sticking at least a half-inch into my skin but it wasn’t bleeding. It hurt like I couldn’t believe but there was no blood.
“Jessica, did you get that…”
I yanked the knife out of my hand when I heard Austin’s voice just behind me, biting back another scream. I spun around to see him looking wide eyed at my injured but un-bleeding hand.
“Whoa,” he said as he blinked hard. “That was weird. I swear I just saw that knife sticking out of your hand.”
I chuckled uneasily. “Guess it’s been a long day for you too,” I snapped back.
I knew I’d been too harsh when he only gave me a forced half smile then turned back to the register.
My hand was shaking as I looked back down at it. The half inch gash in my hand closed up and healed before my eyes. There was nothing but a thin white scar seconds later.
X
Three weeks after Alex’ return I had to do something or I was going to explode.
I waited until Amber and Rod were gone and found Alex out in the garage, working on something that had been squealing for a week in my GTO.
“I can’t take this anymore,” I said as I closed the door behind me and sat on the top step.
Alex looked up at me from under the hood, wiped at something invisible on his forehead, only to leave a greasy, black smudge there. He looked into my face for a long moment before giving a barely audible sigh and setting a wrench down on my battery.
“Why are you doing this to me?” I demanded as I folded my arms across my knees. “You know what I want. You must have wanted it too at one point, you bought the ring.”
“You know why not, Jessica,” he said quietly as he walked around the car. He leaned against it and folded his arms across his chest.
“It’s not a good enough excuse,” I said as I held his eyes steadily. It wasn’t an easy thing to do. Alex had the most piercing eyes I had ever seen, except for maybe Cole’s. And the steel gray color was unnerving. “The council told you that you could come back, to be with me, did they not?”
“You know they did,” he said, exasperated.
“Then what is the problem?” I nearly yelled.
“I told you before, I can’t be sure about anything now, Jessica,” Alex sighed. “I think what happened a few weeks ago is just further proof of that.”
“Then why are you wasting time?!” I shrieked. “If what we have is limited then why are we wasting it?”
“Because I won’t leave you alone!” Alex suddenly burst. “Who knows if I will be able to stay around for much longer and I won’t leave you alone like that! What if we were to go ahead and get married and then the next day I get pulled back for good? It could happen at any time! They could take me whenever they want. I won’t make you a twenty-one-year-old widow, Jessica!
“That doesn’t even make sense! I’m already dead!”
Alex’s sudden burst of furry frightened me, it was so unlike him. My eyes slipped from his gaze to the cement floor. “Don’t say that,” I whispered.
“It’s true, Jessica! I know you don’t like to admit it, but it’s true! I feel like I’m already being selfish enough staying. I’m not supposed to still be here but here I am! I must be the most selfish man there is because there is no possible way I could not be with you.”
I couldn’t say anything after that. My insides quivered and my stomach felt sick. I clutched my arms around my waist and squeezed, trying hard to keep myself from falling apart.
“Don’t you think I want to?” Alex said softly, his voice trembling. I heard him take a step closer. “Don’t think that I don’t think every day about how you were supposed to bear my last name now? How badly I want to call you Jessica Wright now?” He was standing right in front of me now and even though I still couldn’t look at his face, he pulled me to my feet and wrapped his arms around my waist. “I think every day of how you would have looked, dressed in white. About how the veil would have looked in your hair. How you would have been the blushing bride. About how our wedding night could have been. But how can I give you that anymore, only to have it all ripped away? My time here isn’t even mine anymore. I have no control over anything.”
Tears streaked down my face. “But I don’t care about any of that. I’ll deal with it when or if that time comes. I just want you.”
“You already have me,” Alex whispered into my ear, his lips brushing against my skin. “I am yours in the deepest sense of the word I can conceive.”
I didn’t say anything for a long while, just clung to Alex’s strong frame, trembling even though the tears had stopped. “I love you, Alex,” I said quietly, my face buried in his chest.
“I love you, Jessica,” Alex whispered. “As much as I think it is possible for anyone to love someone else.”
X
I hated it, but one person wanting something out of a relationship that another wouldn’t give reminded me of the letters.
After Alex had left to go off and do something “adventurous” with Rod, I sat alone on my bed and pulled out one of the last letters. I hadn’t received any more in over a week. The last one I had received was addressed to me personally. I had yet to find the courage to read it. And yet I had finally felt the eyes disappear. Something inside of me told me Cole was finally gone and that he wouldn’t be coming back.
12 December, 1762
My Dearest,
I am realizing now just how truly hopeless this relationship is. I understand now that any feelings you had for me at one time are gone, if there truly even were any feelings at all. The hole that has been ripped into my chest can never be repaired as I know any chance of us being together again is impossible. No other woman could ever replace you though.
I will never understand how you could reject my affection, after the hundreds, perhaps thousands of times I confessed my eternal love for you. James never has and never will love you as I do. That love will not end when I leave this Earth.
Even if you must be rid of me forever, I beg of you, let me see my son just once more. I cannot bear the thought that I will never see William again.
My chest feels hollow and empty and with nothing more to say, I bid you good-bye.
Cole Emerson
Despite everything I knew of how things went between Cole and this woman, whose name I still had not learned, I too felt hollow and empty as I read his words.
Cole had been a bad man and his actions that led up to his branding and position were hinted upon in these letters but one thing was certain, he loved this woman. He may have been obsessed but I never doubted he loved her.
As far as I could tell, Cole had
met this woman when he started to do business with her father. I wasn’t sure what the business was but it sounded like Cole had been over to their house when the woman arrived home from boarding school. She had just graduated and had immediately become engaged to this man James. They had been friends for a long time but the woman had not appeared to have ever had any romantic feelings for poor James.
An affair quickly started between the woman and Cole, consisting of a lot of sneaking around and dodging her father and James. Cole continually begged her to break it off with James. He was more than wealthy enough to please her parents and take care of her but for some reason it appeared the arrangement with James was more beneficial.
The relationship appeared to have constant ups and downs of this woman telling Cole it was over and then telling him that she could not live without him. She went ahead with her marriage to James but the affair continued. A year and a half after the wedding, the woman became pregnant and when the baby arrived it couldn’t be denied that the father was not James. Apparently James was oblivious to the fact that William looked nothing like him though.
Despite Cole’s willingness and desire to be a part of William’s life, the woman pushed him further and further away. James caught Cole trying to sneak into their house one day and had him arrested. This had apparently been the end of the relationship for good. The last few letters had gotten no response from the woman.
I threw the letter aside, felling disgusted. I didn’t want to feel sorry for Cole. The fact that I did made me feel sick. Cole had never changed. He had well known that Alex and I were together and still tried to pursue something. And this other woman was married and he still had the gall to continue to pursue her.
But I still couldn’t deny the fact that I knew how much he had loved her and still couldn’t help but feel a little sympathy toward him. I knew what it was like to want something from someone and never get it.