‘Anytime,’ he replies.
I couldn’t get through to Stuart on my mobile, because I forgot that it won’t allow me to make international calls. It’s only a cheap phone. Johnny told me to use one of the phones in the office.
I think Meg was embarrassed that she hadn’t suggested that herself, so she tried to make up for it by coming with me and showing me how to work it. Just as well, because I didn’t know what the international dialling code was.
‘Call home as much as you like,’ she’d stressed before she left the room. Maybe she’s feeling guilty, but I can’t say I’m not relieved that she’s being extra nice to me today.
Stu seemed pleased that I called, but I felt strangely sad to hear his voice and I even felt like crying once we hung up. I didn’t tell him that I didn’t feel welcome because I didn’t want him to worry. This was my choice after all, so I need to see it through. The distance between us feels more than just physical at the moment. I feel like I’m very much in this by myself.
‘Hopefully it won’t be too busy at the beach,’ Meg says, pulling me from my thought. ‘We’re not normally up and out of the house at this time, are we?’ She nudges Johnny. ‘Johnny would sleep in every morning if he could,’ she tells me good-naturedly.
‘Yeah, blood— I mean, bloomin’ kids,’ he corrects himself, stopping short of swearing. He flashes Meg a cheeky look. Beside me, Phoenix starts to whinge.
‘What’s up with you?’ I ask in my best appeal-to-a-little-person voice.
He just continues to wriggle with annoyance.
‘He hates being strapped in,’ Meg tells me. ‘We’ll be there soon,’ she addresses her youngest son. On the other side of me, Barney begins to moan.
‘I’m bored!’ he complains. We’ve only been in the car fifteen minutes.
‘Do you want Daddy to sing you a song?’ Meg asks.
‘Meg!’ Johnny grumbles.
‘Yeah!’ Barney chips in.
‘Alright,’ he says wearily. ‘What do you want me to sing?’ He flashes me a resigned look. ‘Sorry about this.’
As if I mind getting a private Johnny Jefferson concert!
‘“Baa Baa Black Sheep”!’ Barney bleats.
‘Something else,’ he says firmly.
‘“Old MacDonald Had A Farm”!’ Barney tries again.
‘I used to refuse point-blank to sing nursery rhymes,’ he tells me wryly. ‘But I’ve given up, now.’
Meg smiles at me, and Johnny gives her a comically withering look.
‘I’ll do Thomas,’ Johnny decides, and Meg claps her hands excitedly. The boys imitate her. ‘At least Ringo Starr deems it worthy.’
It turns out that even when he’s singing the theme tune from a children’s TV show, Johnny’s voice is incredible.
‘Thomas!’ he shouts, clapping once and holding his palms out towards Meg in a sort of ‘ta-dah’ way, leaving a pause for her to fill in the gap.
‘He’s the cheeky one,’ she tries to sing, and Johnny winces theatrically because her singing voice is truly awful. I laugh as they continue in this way, going through James and Henry and all of Thomas’s other friends. Even Barney seems to know some of the words, and as they get to “square” Toby, I can’t resist joining in.
Then all three of us continue to sing at the top of our voices, Meg completely out of tune and me just about remembering the words as the kids bounce up and down in their seats with delight. For the first time since I landed, I feel a little bit at ease.
‘Again! Again!’ Barney shouts as we finish, while Phoenix claps with delight.
‘One more time?’ Johnny asks me with a grin.
‘Go on, then.’
This time I sing along with him from the start and I don’t know why, but he and Meg share a look of surprise. I try not to let it put me off as we get to the fun bit about Thomas being the cheeky one, and all that, but I realise I’m singing alone.
‘Your voice is awesome!’ Johnny exclaims with amazement, as my singing trails off. He glances at Meg. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘Yes, it is.’ She shakes her head, staring at me in a slightly awestruck manner as my face heats up.
‘Sing it again!’ Barney interjects, but now I’m far too embarrassed.
‘In a bit, buddy,’ Johnny tells him absent-mindedly.
‘Awww!’ he moans.
‘Seriously,’ Johnny says, looking at me directly. ‘You’ve got great tone. Have you taken lessons?’
‘Of course not,’ I wave him away with a frown, but inside I’m bursting with pride. Johnny Jefferson thinks I’m a good singer!
‘Why not?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know.’ I shrug. ‘I’d feel too self-conscious to sing in public.’ SingStar while wasted doesn’t count.
I glance at Barney beside me. He grins up at me and he’s so cute that my heart unexpectedly swells. I remember that he’s my half brother and my bubble of happiness inflates. I turn to look at Phoenix on the other side, but he’s back to wriggling and moaning. ‘Almost there,’ I tell him and he looks up at me. I must have a funny expression on my face because he flashes me a toothy grin, too, and I impulsively stick my hand down his side and tickle his ribs. He starts to laugh like a little nutter and then Barney shouts, ‘Tickle me! Tickle me!’ and soon they’re both in hysterics.
Davey drops us right at the beachfront and as we all pile out of the car, it dawns on me in the most surreal way that I am a part of this family. My happy bubble doesn’t burst as we wander along the boardwalk. Soft, white sand separates us from the cool, calm seawater on our left, and tall, skinny palm trees line our path. There’s a long pier packed with fairground rides off in the distance.
A couple of women wearing shorts and Rollerblades skate past, seconds later spinning around to look at us with shocked expressions on their faces. They nudge each other and giggle, continuing to skate, but not without looking over their shoulders about five times. I look back at Johnny, but he seems oblivious. Then I notice Samuel and Lewis further behind him. I didn’t realise they had followed us, but of course they would have done. It’s only about eight-thirty in the morning so there aren’t many people around. I think I must’ve woken up at six-ish.
Barney trots in front of us and Meg, who was carrying Phoenix in her arms, puts him down beside her and takes one of his hands.
‘He’s almost walking, but he’s still a bit unsteady,’ she tells me proudly, as Phoenix toddles along the path and then holds his other hand up to me.
‘He wants you to swing him,’ Meg tells me.
‘Oh, OK.’ We count to three and then lift him high, while he laughs his little head off. We do this until my arm starts to ache. I hear Johnny say something behind us to his bodyguards, then he jogs forward and scoops up Phoenix from between Meg and me. ‘Come on, buddy.’
‘Can we go on the rides?’ Barney calls to him.
‘That’s the plan,’ Johnny says, as Lewis picks up his pace and goes on ahead of us.
We step off the boardwalk on to the sand and head in the direction of the fairground. I see what I think is a playground on the sand, but when we approach I realise it’s exercise equipment for grown-ups. A ridiculously muscly man is swinging across the monkey bars and when he gets to the end and jumps down, he looks over at us. He freezes and he looks hilarious, like a statue of a strongman. Obviously he’s spotted Johnny. Johnny salutes him, but it takes him a few moments to pull himself together and return the gesture. We keep walking and I still can’t get my head around the fact that I’m related to a huge celebrity.
The fairground looks closed, and I wonder how long we’ll have to wait for it to open before Barney explodes with anticipation, but to my surprise, a smiling man emerges from behind the security fence. He shakes Johnny’s hand and then I spot Lewis behind him, scoping out the joint. He must’ve called before we left home because I’m amazed to discover that we have exclusive use of the rides for the next hour.
We go on everything. Sometimes I take Barney,
sometimes I ride with Johnny. I haven’t laughed so much in a year. It is the most fun I’ve had since, well, since singing the Thomas theme tune in the car, I think with amusement. We go on the Ferris wheel last. I’m riding with Johnny and Barney, while Meg is with Phoenix in the carriage behind us. I look down to see that the beach is gradually getting busier, and then I see the crowd of people growing on the pier outside the fairground.
‘Time to make a move,’ Johnny says, and when we come off the ride, Samuel and Lewis are waiting at the bottom with looks of determination on their faces.
‘Got it,’ Johnny says, without them needing to utter a word. He knows the drill.
There must be about twenty people waiting – not as many as I’m sure Johnny is used to, but it’s still early and there’s certainly enough of a crowd to freak me out. Then I spot a photographer off to the side with a long lens, snapping away.
‘He’s taking photos,’ I whisper to Meg with alarm.
‘It’s fine,’ she says calmly. ‘The paps always sniff out stuff like this.’
‘But what about me? What if they find out about me?’
‘It’s OK. We’re just sticking to the story that you’re the boys’ nanny, remember? Don’t worry,’ she tries to reassure me.
But I keep my head down, just in case.
By the time we’re back in the car, I’m reeling. That was the strangest experience. The crowd remained deathly silent as we were ushered through them, and then half of them just started to totally freak out. Their screams were ringing in my ears. I thought Lewis and Samuel were big before, but out of the blue they seemed to transform into a brick wall surrounding us as we were rushed off the beach into Davey’s waiting limo. The craziest of the fans bashed on the windows, but Davey waited calmly until Meg and Johnny had buckled the kids in, and then he put his foot down.
Johnny’s mobile starts to buzz so he takes the call while Meg leans across to get some breadsticks out of the cupboard, passing one each to the boys. Now I realise why there’s milk in the fridge – it’s for the kids.
‘Do you want anything, Jessie?’ she offers.
‘No, thanks.’ I shake my head brusquely.
‘You alright?’ she checks with a frown, finally noticing that I’m a bit freaked out. She and Johnny appear totally calm.
‘Yeah,’ I reply breathily.
She looks wary. ‘Sorry, did that stuff frighten you?’
‘Um, well, a little bit, I guess. But it was kind of cool, too,’ I say, because as crazy as it was to see all those people staring at us, mostly it was exhilarating.
‘Sorry, I should have warned you. I’m used to it now,’ she says apologetically as Johnny continues to chat on his phone beside her. The boys munch away on their snacks, totally unaffected by what we’ve just been through. ‘They’re used to it, too,’ Meg says, reading my mind. ‘I was worried about how they’d cope at first.’ She looks pensive. ‘I don’t know if you know about my history with Johnny?’
‘Not much,’ I admit.
‘I’ll tell you about it sometime,’ she promises as Johnny ends his call.
‘Christian,’ he tells her before she asks.
Her face lights up. ‘Is he OK?’
‘Yeah, he’s good. Coming over soon for work. Wanted to know if we’re around.’
‘Did you tell him we’re on holiday next week?’
‘Yeah, he’ll come afterwards.’
‘Great. I was thinking it was about time he came to visit.’
I’ll be back at home by the time they jet off on holiday. Last night I was ready to leave, but after this morning, a week doesn’t feel long enough. The air inside my happy bubble evaporates until I feel nothing.
Chapter 13
We return home to the smell of something sweet and delicious baking in the oven.
‘Come and meet Eddie,’ Meg says with a smile, seeing my expression.
Barney runs straight past us to the kitchen, shouting ‘Cookies!’
We arrive in time to see Eddie sweep Barney up into his arms. He’s in his mid- to late-twenties at a guess, is taller than me at about five foot ten or eleven, and has short blond hair and blue eyes.
‘Hey!’ I can hear his American accent, even in that one word.
‘Eddie, this is Jessie,’ Meg introduces us with a smile.
He shifts Barney to his other arm and leans across to shake my hand.
‘Great to meet you,’ he says.
Barney wriggles out of his grasp and runs over to the oven.
‘Careful!’ Meg and Johnny warn simultaneously, so he freezes in his tracks.
‘They’ll be ready in two minutes,’ Eddie promises.
‘Chocolate chip?’ Meg asks hopefully.
‘Yeah,’ he replies with a cheeky grin. ‘Would you like tea and coffee on the terrace?’
‘That’d be great,’ she says warmly, turning to me. ‘Annie’s probably in the study. Let’s go and say hi.’
We leave Johnny and the boys in the kitchen and head to the study where we’re greeted by a petite . . . well, she looks a bit like a pixie if I’m being totally honest.
She leaps to her feet and bounds over to shake my hand.
‘Hi! Jessie! How are you?’ She’s tiny – I’m not tall myself, but I tower over her – and she has short, spiky, jet-black hair, twinkly green eyes and a huge smile.
‘I’m good, thanks,’ I reply.
‘She may be small, but she packs a punch,’ Johnny says from behind me as he joins us.
Annie good-humouredly rolls her eyes at him, then turns back to me. ‘I’ve just been looking at pictures of you on the internet,’ she says to my surprise. She’s American, too, like Eddie.
‘What? Where?’ I ask with alarm.
‘In Santa Monica,’ she says. ‘Don’t worry, you can barely see your face. You did a great job keeping your head down. Anyone would think you’ve had practice at this. Quite a few of the boys, though,’ she tells Meg.
Meg frowns and Johnny places a hand on her arm in a reassuring gesture, I think. I guess she doesn’t like the boys being exposed to the press.
‘Do you want to check them out?’ Annie asks.
I don’t know about Johnny and Meg, but I certainly do. Annie relocates herself to her desk and clicks on the mouse. A page full of pictures comes up. There are loads of Johnny and Barney on the dodgem cars – in some of them you can see me zipping behind them on a pink-coloured car, but luckily the focus is on the superstar and his son. Phew. Then we’re on the carousel. This time Meg and Phoenix are the subject of many of the shots, too, with her holding Phoenix on a brightly coloured horse. Again, I’m in some of the pictures, but only in the background.
And then there are a bunch of us on the Ferris wheel. There’s no mistaking me in these pics, but most of the time I’m looking off to the side and I’m wearing sunglasses anyway. Finally there are a whole bunch of us leaving the amusement park, Barney on Johnny’s shoulders, all long limbs and looking completely unfazed by the attention as we head off the pier and across the sand, and Phoenix in Meg’s arms, the five of us surrounded by the wall that is Samuel and Lewis. My head is mostly down, so there are very few of my face, but I still feel sick with worry that I’ve given the game away.
Meg talks quietly and worriedly to Annie, while Johnny stands with his hand protectively on her back. I step away and hesitate a moment, before leaving them to it.
Barney is in his usual spot on the living room rug playing with his toys, while Phoenix is casually making his way around the coffee table, holding on to it for support. Still feeling nervous, I go over to him and offer him my hands, and then help him toddle around the large, open space. Eddie emerges from the kitchen with a tray, glancing towards the open office door with a furrowed brow.
‘Is everything alright?’ he asks me.
‘I don’t know,’ I reply uneasily.
‘I’ll take this outside,’ he decides aloud, putting the tray down on the coffee table before sliding open the door,
picking up the tray again and going out.
Moments later, Meg and Johnny come out of the office. She still has her head down. Johnny glances at me but doesn’t smile, which makes me feel worse.
‘Come on, let’s have a coffee,’ he says to her. ‘Chocolate cookie, buddy?’ he asks Barney on his way past.
I’ve never seen a child leap to their feet so quickly.
‘I’ll take him,’ Meg says to me with a tight smile, relieving Phoenix’s tiny hands from mine and leaving me feeling peculiarly wanting. She lifts him up and clutches him to her as she steps outside, and I feel more like an outsider than ever as I follow her.
They seat themselves at a bench table overlooking the city, but my footsteps falter. I bet they wish I wasn’t here, that I didn’t even exist. Before I can think about what I’m doing, I turn and bolt.
I’m in my bedroom, sitting on the edge of my bed, chewing my fingernails when Johnny comes to find me. He knocks on the door and calls my name before opening it.
‘Hey,’ he says, tentatively entering. ‘You alright?’ He looks distinctly uncomfortable as he stands there.
‘I can go home if you want,’ I tell him tautly.
His face falls and he looks shocked. ‘Why would I want you to go home?’
‘I mean, if you don’t want me here.’ My words rush out.
‘Why do you think we don’t want you here?’ he interrupts.
My eyes unexpectedly fill with tears and I realise how much I want to stay. But I don’t want to be constantly making them cross, either.
There’s a lump in my throat when I answer. ‘All that stuff on the beach. The pics of me. Meg looked so stressed . . .’
‘She’s not stressed about you,’ Johnny interrupts again. To my surprise he comes over to me and sits on the bed, putting one hand on my shoulder. ‘She’s stressed about Barney and Phoenix. She hates the paparazzi getting photos of the boys.’
My heart lifts. This is not about me at all? ‘Really?’ I ask. ‘She’s not annoyed with me?’
‘Of course she’s not,’ Johnny brushes me off. ‘You’re hardly in any of the pictures anyway, and even if you were, she wouldn’t blame you. No one would. She’s more pissed off at me than anyone,’ he adds with raised eyebrows, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees.