It can’t be true.
“But she was alive when the ambulance took her,” my mother sobs. “She was alive!”
“I’m sorry, madam. There was too much damage. She didn’t make it.”
Didn’t make it.
My baby. My innocent, sweet, little girl.
“It’s all my fault,” Jenn’s father cries, his voice pained. “I should never have gotten that pool.”
Isn’t it strange how we do that? When something awful happens, we regret decisions made earlier. If only we’d thought of everything before, maybe we could have prevented all death and accidents.
“Lucas?” Jennifer sobs. “Luke?”
I can’t feel anything.
I can’t see.
It’s a dream—it has to be.
There is no way the only thing in my life I love with every beating part of me is gone.
No way.
CHAPTER 6
NOW – AVA
I stumble down the sidewalk, blood running down my face, dried pieces of god knows what on my clothes. I don’t know where I’m going—I just know I’m moving. Quickly. Brokenly.
They let me go. I woke from my nightmare, and I was alone in a dark alley. Her body was gone. They were gone. I was just . . . left broken. I got up. I ran. I don’t know where I’m running to.
I let her life be taken.
They shot her because of me.
I allowed a second of weakness to enter my heart; I allowed her life to be worth less than mine for long enough for him to decide just that. I would have given my life. I would have, but in a moment of pure, blinding fear and weakness, I made the wrong choice—I said something I didn’t mean. Now she’s dead. A girl my own age. A girl with a future. Dead because of me.
Monster.
I trip and fall, my hands scraping across the cold, concrete pathway. A wail leaves my throat, and I drop my head to the sidewalk, sobbing hysterically. Rain begins to fall softly, soaking my numb, cold body. I don’t hear anything but my broken cries. I claw at the ground, trying to get the images from my mind. I don’t want to see her face for the rest of my life, but I will. I know it.
“Hey.”
I flinch and lift my head, blinking through the haze and the rain to see a man in running clothes squatting down. He’s huge, bigger than even my dad, and it’s so dark I can’t see much of his face¸ but I can see he’s handsome. He reaches out, touching my face with his thumb, then he rubs it between his thumb and forefinger.
“You’re bleeding.”
I don’t say anything. I don’t move. I just stare.
“What’s your name?”
“A-a-a-ava,” I whisper.
“Ava, are you hurt?”
Yes, so much yes.
“Y-y-yes.”
“All right,” he says, reaching for me carefully. “My name is Detective Lucas Black. I’m goin’ to get you off this street—yeah?”
He could be a murderer, and right now I wouldn’t even care. I let him reach for me and lift me into his arms. He’s wearing a running tank, and his skin is hot. I can smell him, and he reminds me of my dad, of comfort, so I turn my face into his chest as he starts jogging. He takes me to a nearby police station, probably the one he works at, and as soon as we enter, I lift my head from the comfort of his shirt and see a small woman rushing towards us.
“Lucas?” she asks.
I guess he does work here.
“Unlock my office for me, will you, Amelia? I found her on the street like this when I was out running.”
“Of course. Do you want me to call anyone?”
“Not yet. I just need to check her out.”
Amelia nods and rushes off, and I tilt my head back to see Lucas staring down at me. He has brown eyes, so brown they might as well be black. His hair is long and messy, but right now it’s plastered to his forehead, giving him a dangerous look. He isn’t someone I’d cross.
“How old are you, kid?” he asks, studying my face.
“Nearly t-t-t-twenty-four.”
He looks shocked.
“I’m going to take you to my office and you can tell me what went down, okay?”
I can’t tell him what went down for more than one reason. The first is that if I tell him a girl died at my hand, I’ll go away forever and I can’t . . . I can’t do that. The second is club rules. My dad would be truly wild if I told a cop what happened instead of him. Hell, he probably doesn’t even know I’m still alive. I’ll have to lie my way out of this one. “Okay,” I say.
Lucas turns and walks down the hall, leading me to a large office. Amelia places a towel down on the sofa, and Lucas carefully helps me sit down. I cry out in pain as my bottom hits the chair, and a sharp pain shoots through my body and up into my spine. I’ve been kicked, abused and hit—every part of me hurts.
“Easy now,” Lucas says, kneeling in front of me. “I’m going to get some clothes for you, do a couple of scrapings of your nails and skin for DNA purposes, and then there is a shower just down the hall. When you’re cleaned up, I’m going to ask you what happened. Are you okay with that?”
I nod.
“All right, kid. Just sit tight.”
Kid.
If only I had the innocence of a kid.
He stands, and my head drops, my eyes falling on the grey, well-worn carpet. It remains like that until he comes back, kneeling in front of me again. I sit numbly as he scrapes under my fingernails; he also takes samples of the blood on my skin and clothes. Then he hands me a shirt and some sweats, as well as a towel. I wonder if these clothes are from other victims. Do they wash the clothes left behind to pass on to another person that comes in?
“Just before you shower, I need to ask a personal question.”
I meet his eyes.
“Ava, were you . . . sexually assaulted?” His face is tight, as if the very idea of saying those words hurts.
I shake my head. “No.”
Relief flickers across his face. “You’re sure?”
“Yes, I’m very sure,” I whisper.
“All right. Do you want to call anyone?”
Not right now. I’m not ready to try and explain this.
“I will soon,” I whisper.
“All right. Do you need help getting up?”
I nod, and he helps me up with a hand in mine and another gently on my back. When I’m on my feet, he walks me out and down the hall to a big room that holds some showers.
“You can shower in here; nobody will come in.”
I say nothing; I just keep my eyes to the floor. Lucas waits a few moments before quietly slipping out. I put the clean clothes down and step in, turning the shower on and slowly remove my battered clothes. As they drop to the ground, I see light bruises on my body. My throat gets tight, and when the water hits my body, it begins turning red as it washes down the drain. I slowly lower to the ground and sob some more.
It’s not just my blood disappearing down the drain. It’s hers. The girl that got killed because I let her down. I clench my eyes shut and try to fight the images that are insistent on lodging themselves into my mind. I wrap my arms around myself and rock, hearing her pleading voice repeating over and over in my head.
I don’t know how long I sit like that, but eventually a light knock sounds outside. “You okay, Ava?”
“Y-y-y-y-yes,” I croak.
“Okay. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”
Lucas is nice. So nice. Are they all this nice to women that come in bleeding and broken? I push off the shower floor and turn the taps off, wrapping myself in a towel. Everything hurts, but nothing comes close to the emptiness in my heart. I pull on the new clothes, and then walk straight towards the door.
I don’t look in the mirror.
I don’t want to see what I’ve become.
I open the door and Lucas is standing, waiting. I drop my eyes to the floor and whisper, “Thank you. I’m finished now.”
“Come on, you need to sit down. Do you want some
water?”
I nod.
He leads me back to his office, and I sit down while he gets me some water. When I’ve taken a few sips, he takes a chair and brings it over, sitting in front of me. “Are you ready to tell me what happened, Ava?”
“I . . .” I look up at him, focusing on the scar on his lip. Did someone hurt Lucas once, too? “Will you report this?”
“It’ll depend on what you tell me.”
We sit in silence for a while before I start speaking. I have to lie. If I tell him I was taken because of who I am, he’ll go after my father; if I tell him it was a random attack, perhaps he won’t force me to take it any further. It’s worth a shot.
“I finished work on Saturday night,” I croak. “I was walking to my car when someone attacked me.”
My voice cracks, and my body starts shaking.
“Take your time, Ava. There is no hurry. None at all.”
“I didn’t . . . I didn’t see anything. He took me. Plunged a needle into my neck. I woke in a dark room. I couldn’t see. Didn’t know what was happening. I know I tried to get away, and he hit me so hard I got knocked out. I m-m-m-managed to get away through a broken window and got back into town, that’s when you found me.”
A completely unbelievable lie. I know it. He probably knows it.
“You didn’t see who took you?”
“No.”
“Do you have any idea why they took you?”
“No, I didn’t hear anything. I just know they took me, and I got away before they managed to carry out whatever plan they had.”
“Ava, I’m going to ask you a serious question.”
I bite my lip.
“Was there someone else in there with you? I ask because it seems like the blood on you wasn’t just yours, the reason being your wounds aren’t enough to justify the amount of blood. We’ll know more when DNA is confirmed, of course.”
I start to panic. My heart begins to pound in my ears. I gasp and drop my head. One way or another, he’s going to find out there was a girl there with me, I can only hope he won’t make the connection. I have to keep acting as though it was a random attack. I have to protect my father.
Lucas puts a hand on mine, giving me time.
“I don’t know who it was. It was dark. I couldn’t see anything. There was another person there, I don’t know who. T-t-they killed them for trying to escape. That’s all I know.”
Lucas narrows his eyes but doesn’t push. “Okay, thank you, Ava. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take a full statement, and then you’re free to go but we’ll need to talk again.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“You stay right here, rest, lie down—whatever you need. I’m going to make some calls, and then we’re going to take you to the hospital to make sure none of your injuries are dangerous. We’ll decide what to do after that, okay?”
“Okay.”
He stands and looks down at me. “You did the right thing, telling me what happened. Rest, Ava. I’ll take care of this.”
Yes, but who will take care of me?
CHAPTER 7
NOW – AVA
“And you don’t remember any penetration or any kind of assault?” The doctor asks, two hours later as I sit in his office.
“No,” I whisper.
“Okay, Ava. I’m going to just check you out, look at these wounds, make sure you’re okay. If at any stage you need me to stop, or you feel any pain, I want you to say so.”
He’s got kind eyes, the doctor. It’s something I never noticed in a person before, but after being held by a monster that had cold eyes, I can suddenly see so much behind a person’s gaze. I wonder if my eyes have changed. Can people look into them and know what I’ve done?
“Just lie down. I’ll make this as quick as possible.”
I lie back and take myself somewhere else. Somewhere nice. I think of my family and of happy memories. Memories I wonder if I’ll ever have again. How am I to come back from this? How will I ever feel normal again? Will the empty pit in my stomach heal? Will my heart fuse back together? Will this be how I feel for the rest of my life? Broken, cold and alone?
“Okay Ava, we’re all done, you can sit up now.”
I sit up, my body stiff and sore, and I watch as he gathers his things and assures me he will be back soon. I sit quietly in my own thoughts, waiting for him to return. He does, with Lucas in tow. He closes the door softly and then turns to us. “I have done a full examination. She has a mild concussion and will need monitoring. I’ll need to stitch a wound on her cheek, and I’ll give her some antibiotics to prevent infection. Aside from that, everything looks okay. The bruises will fade with time.”
“Thank you, Doctor. Please send the full report to the station as soon as you can,” Lucas says.
“I will, thank you, Detective.”
Detective. Lucas is a detective. Did he already tell me that?
Taking my arm, Lucas leads us from the hospital. When we arrive back at the station, I give a full statement, my voice monotone as I relive my lie. Lucas records and asks the questions but another officer is present in the room also. They then tell me all my rights and give me options on which way I can take this. I just tell them to do what they have to, hoping they’ll find nothing. As soon as we’re finished, I’m escorted back to Lucas’s office.
“Can I call anyone? Someone to take you home?” he asks, studying my face.
“No,” I whisper. “I’ll make my way home.”
“I can’t let you do that, but I’ll take you. You need to fill the script the doctor gave you, also. To prevent infection.”
I nod, staring at my hands.
Lucas is quiet for a second before he squats down in front of me and takes hold of my hands. “Give me your eyes, Ava.”
I lift my eyes and stare into his, so dark. Seemingly empty, yet he’s given me nothing but kindness. He has a rugged, dangerous face, but he has managed to make me feel nothing but comfort in his presence. This is the kind of man my father and his club run from, the kind of man they despise, yet he’s walked me through my darkest hour.
Lucas is dangerous, a dangerous hero.
“You’re going to get through this. I know you don’t feel like it right now, but I promise you one day, the light is going to shine again. You have to be strong—will you promise me you’ll be strong?”
I stare into his eyes. “He took an innocence from me that I don’t think I can ever get back.”
“He did take it, but you know what he didn’t take? What no one can take without your permission?”
I shake my head.
He puts a hand against his chest. “Your heart. That’s yours to give. It’s also yours to destroy. Don’t destroy it, Ava. Fight through this, come out the other side, turn to someone, lean on people—get through. Don’t let this take away who you are.”
My lip trembles, but no tears come out. There are simply no more to give. “I don’t know how to do that. I don’t even know where to start.”
“You find a way to feel better and slowly, you start crawling out of the darkness.”
“Is there ever really an end to the darkness?”
His eyes flash with a pain that’s so familiar right now. Yesterday, I would have never noticed a pain like that, but today, today I can see it because the same pain is in my own eyes.
“I don’t honestly know, Ava, but what I do know is that the sun will always come up tomorrow. You just have to learn to embrace it.”
I nod shakily.
“Promise me you’ll try?”
“I promise, Lucas. I’ll try.”
But promises were made to be broken.
~*~*~*~
Lucas drops me home and promises me that he’ll call with any further updates. I stare into his brown eyes for the longest moment before he reaches over, squeezes my hand and then leaves me there, alone. I turn and stare at my apartment for what seems like hours, just staring at the dark space that I’m not entirely sure will bring me any
comfort right now.
I take one step, then another, and force myself closer to the darkness. My fingers curl around the doorknob and I’ve only half twisted it when I hear the low rumble of Harley-Davidsons coming closer. My heart starts pounding. They’re coming past, probably looking for me, probably hoping I’m here, I’m safe. Dad won’t just lie down and take me disappearing without a trace. He’ll want a story, and I’m just so afraid that if he sees how broken I am, he’ll hate himself for the rest of his life.
I hurry as fast as my body will allow inside the house and walk towards the mirror hanging in my hall. I step in front of it and gasp at the girl standing there, staring back at me. That girl isn’t me. I don’t know who she is, but she isn’t me. Her face is bruised and battered, her eyes are broken and empty, and her face is a face I’ve never seen in my life before.
I step away, clutching my chest.
The Harley-Davidson stops outside.
Heavy boots stomp their way up to my front door.
Bang bang bang.
“Ava? You in there? Please tell me you’re in there.”
Dad. I hug myself, winding my arms tighter and tighter around myself until I feel like I can’t breathe.
“Ava? If you’re in there, open up.”
I start to cry.
“Baby?”
I slide down the wall, tucking my knees to my chest. The door jingles, then there are more voices, god, there are more people.
“I’ve got a key, Jacks.”
Danny.
No.
“How’d you get a key?”
Spike.
I start crying harder.
I don’t want them to see me like this. I’m not ready to explain, to tell a story that I’m so scared to share. So scared of the reality that it makes me a monster. I wasn’t strong like he taught me to be. I didn’t fight. That man wanted to send me back to Dad broken; he wanted to destroy him through me. I can’t do that to him, but how the hell am I going to be normal again?