Chapter Six
A tediously cheerful breakfast greeted them the next day. Nathaniel’s grandparents were in high spirits and certainly more animated than the night before. What was it about early mornings that seemed to super-charge the elderly and why did people his own age find them so damn hard to get through? A couple of hot showers brought them back from the dead. Gramps was in front of the television, watching ESPN, and Granny wanted to go grocery shopping, her sights already set on dinner. Neither activity sounded appealing, so they hitched a ride downtown with her and set out on their own.
Warrensburg was small enough that getting around by foot was ideal. If they tackled the town by car, they’d probably be done within an hour and have little else to do. They walked through the oldest part of town, which looked nothing like Houston or other cities where Nathaniel had lived. Most of the brick buildings were featureless boxes, the architecture uninspiring, which is perhaps why so many businesses had cloth awnings above their doors. Even the old church they passed could have been designed by a child—a rectangle with a pointy steeple on top.
“This is wild,” Caesar said. “It’s like something out of a Western movie!”
Nathaniel smirked. Take away the occasional spindly tree and replace the paved road with dusty dirt, and it did have that feel. “Too bad there’s not a saloon. Plenty of bars for the college students though. And the unemployed.”
“I can’t imagine growing up here,” Caesar said in hushed tones.
“Hey, it’s not exactly a third-world country.” He frowned at their surroundings. “But yeah, I’m glad we moved.”
They wandered aimlessly, weaving in and out of neighborhoods with small houses, eventually ending up on the university campus. They walked the pathways between buildings as if enrolled there, and joined a slew of other people for lunch in the student union. Caesar grinned throughout the meal, enjoying the experience. Nathaniel felt a little intimidated by all the unknown faces, and by getting turned around so easily while exploring. This university was small compared to Yale. How would he ever survive there? Of course he wouldn’t be alone. He’d follow Rebecca around like a duckling if need be. And eventually, he’d have a duckling of his own.
Nathaniel nudged Caesar playfully. “What do you think? Should we talk to admissions?”
“It’s better than high school, that’s for sure!”
They explored the campus a little longer, ending up at the stadium where Caesar insisted on stretching out on one of the bleachers to soak up sun. Nathaniel sat a few rows up while he did so, his attention on the horizon, the blue sky above, the sports field below, and when he dared, the six feet of cat-napping temptation just ahead of him. Caesar’s T-shirt had pulled away from the waist of his jeans, revealing a strip of skin that Nathaniel imagined running his tongue along.
When a fat white cloud thoughtlessly came between them and the sun, Caesar stirred and got up so they could continue their journey. This time they backtracked through the downtown area toward Route 50. Across the highway was a more modern commercial zone full of the generic restaurants and supercenters found everywhere in the United States, which somehow made the crummy downtown area more appealing. Nathaniel didn’t take them into this area, leading Caesar instead to Bernie’s Stop and Shop where they bought Cokes. Not far from this were two vehicle dealerships, one specializing mostly in pickups, the other in tractors.
“Here’s the family fortune,” Nathaniel said without ceremony.
Caesar looked back and forth between the two parking lots. “Your family owns these?”
“They used to. Gramps sold them years ago. His plumbing business too. He used to always say ‘Trucks, tractors, and toilets—I’ve got your ass covered!’”
Caesar scrunched up his face. “Huh?”
“Because you sit on all three things. It was funnier when I was a kid, but not by much.” Nathaniel stared at the dealerships and tried to drum up an interesting memory, something cute, like him being allowed to drive a tractor around at an adorably young age. Nothing like that had happened though. “I guess that’s it,” he said. “Show’s over. Sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
Nathaniel sighed and headed for one of the side streets. “I wanted you to learn more about me. I guess there’s not much to tell.”
Caesar laughed. “I don’t really have a paper to write.”
“I know.” Nathaniel walked in silence, eying the homes around them. Inside each was a family of some kind. Young couples just starting out, single parents with kids, or maybe even an older person who had already lost their other half. But all of them had achieved a relationship, which seemed miraculous, because he couldn’t figure out how to get there. How did two people go from being strangers to meaning everything to each other? How did anyone bridge that gap?
Nathaniel sighed. “You said you don’t really know me. I thought coming here might change that.”
“I never said that!”
“You did. At the mall a few weeks back.”
“Oh.”
Nathaniel glanced over at him.
Caesar met his gaze, looking a little sheepish. “All that stuff about your favorite color or whatever?”
“Exactly.”
“Little details like that don’t matter. They’re nice, but I was hoping you’d be more open.” Caesar hesitated. “About other things.”
Nathaniel stopped walking. “About my brother?”
“Yeah. I guess so.”
Nathaniel glared. “This isn’t a game! That information isn’t a prize to be won, or something I hand out to people who get close to me. If you’re hanging around me waiting for some juicy gossip, you can fuck off!”
Caesar’s jaw dropped. “That’s not what I meant! I figured it’s an important part of you, and if you keep it from me—”
“That’s not who I am!” Nathaniel snarled. “It might have shaped me, but I’m sure as hell not going to let it define me!”
“Fine!” Caesar held up his hands in surrender. “I just want you to feel like you can confide in me.”
“I do. But that doesn’t mean I need to.”
“Okay.” Caesar looked dejected. “Sorry my stupid comments made you feel like you needed to bring me here.”
Caesar resumed walking, which was silly, because he didn’t know which direction to go. Nathaniel stared after him, then hurried to catch up.
“I’m the one who is sorry,” he said. “I just find this whole experience frustrating. I mean, I like being on this trip with you. I just… Never mind.”
Caesar shot him a glance. “What?”
Nathaniel held back a growl, hating himself in advance for being dumb enough to say it. “I want you to like me.”
Caesar’s attention immediately returned to the sidewalk as he paced along. He didn’t say anything. Nathaniel grimaced and seriously considered bonking him over the head in the hope of inducing amnesia. Or turning around and running in the opposite direction, consequences be damned.
“I do like you,” Caesar said at last. “A lot. You’re amazingly smart. When I first saw you at the tutoring center, how you just moved from person to person, helping them all. It’s like you know everything and—”
“That’s not how it works,” Nathaniel interrupted, but Caesar didn’t seem to hear him because he kept rambling.
“I was always checking you out. You’ve got those big shoulders, and I felt like I could hang off them and you wouldn’t even notice. Ha ha! I don’t even know what that means, but I kept thinking of you and wanting to make you proud, because you’re so perfect. When I saw that bruise on your face, I got obsessed. I wished there was something I could do. I wanted to help, to give back to you. Then you kept getting hurt, and it was my dad who figured out how to fix it all. I’m glad, but I sort of wish it could have been me, because he doesn’t— Not like me. He doesn’t feel the way I do. Now you’re saying you want me to like you, which is crazy because…” Caesar stopped and turned to face h
im, his chest heaving, attention still focused on the ground. “I’m in love with you.”
Nathaniel stared at him—at downturned eyes the color of honey that seduced him with every glance, despite being hidden behind goofy red frames. At the strong jaw, the waves of dark hair, the flaring nostrils that accompanied each quick breath. Love. He hadn’t even considered the word, didn’t even know if he was capable of loving after everything he had been through. Then his gaze darted down to those lips, and he knew what he wanted.
Two things stopped him. One was a bright-eyed girl with corkscrew hair who was probably missing her boyfriend right now, counting the hours until he returned. The other was a phrase—the three words that had haunted him this entire trip. We trust you. He couldn’t imagine a more efficient way of breaking that trust than giving in to his urges now.
And yet, he had been through so much, bearing as much suffering as he could in silence. Perhaps he had earned this. One moment of bliss to help balance out the pain. Just once and never again. He reached forward, placing a finger beneath Caesar’s chin, tilting his head upward and locking eyes with him. Nathaniel stared deep into Caesar’s soul, creating an entire relationship in his mind that started right now, went through college and careers, vacations and retirement, ending with them falling asleep in each other’s arms and never waking again. He tried to compress all of that down to one instance, one kiss. Then he leaned forward and touched Caesar’s lips with his own.
The details were lost to him. Who embraced whom, or how long they stood there or the exact motions of their mouths. All he took from the experience was the sensation of being whole, and the certainty that Caesar had chosen the correct term. Love. That’s what this was.
When reality resumed, Caesar was smiling bashfully, but Nathaniel couldn’t. Those three little words had returned, altered slightly now. We trusted you! An image of a crying girl accompanied the accusation, high school sweethearts ruined by this indiscretion. Her tears were much more bearable than the angry glares of Mr. and Mrs. Hubbard.
“We can’t do that again,” Nathaniel said.
Caesar looked crestfallen. “Why not?”
“You know why.” He watched realization arrive.
“Oh.”
Nathaniel couldn’t be sure if Caesar grasped all the reasons, but he clearly understood enough. Nathaniel put an arm around his shoulder, guiding him down the sidewalk, breaking contact when he was certain Caesar would keep walking on his own. “But for the record, I don’t regret it. As long as we don’t let it ruin anything, I’m glad that it happened. In fact, there’s no way in hell I’ll ever forget that kiss.”
“Me neither,” Caesar said, managing to sound upbeat.
Nathaniel glanced over and smiled, even though inside he was already wishing he could turn back time.
* * * * *
They returned to the house in a thick silence. Caesar was no doubt worrying about Steph, perhaps struggling with his guilt. Nathaniel’s thoughts focused more on salvaging his connection with Caesar and steering them back toward friendship without either of them getting hurt. That already seemed impossible.
“You want something to drink?” Nathaniel asked as they entered the kitchen.
“Thanks.”
These were the only words they had exchanged in the last half-hour. The drive home tomorrow was going to be hell. Nathaniel was rustling around in the refrigerator when his grandmother entered the kitchen. She seemed troubled when she saw them, as if she could sense the tension, but her expression was soon whisked away by a smile.
“Are you boys hungry?” she asked.
“Just thirsty,” Nathaniel replied, handing Caesar a can of Coke.
“I’ll start dinner soon. Did you have fun?”
“It was great!” Caesar said. “I really like Warrensburg. Especially the university. We had lunch there.”
“How nice.” Laura’s smile seemed frozen in place. Then she took a breath, sharp and quick. “Caesar, why don’t you go relax in the other room? I need Nathaniel’s help with a few things.”
“Oh. Okay!”
Nathaniel took a sip of his Coke while watching Caesar leave the room, raising an eyebrow quizzically at his grandmother once he was gone. “What’s up?”
His grandmother pulled out a chair, indicating he should sit. Once he had, she joined him at the table. “I spoke with your mother this morning.”
“Oh.”
“I only called to let her know you had arrived safely. She was surprised. She didn’t know you were coming for a visit.”
“I’m a big boy now,” he said, trying to inject humor into the situation. “I can do what I want.”
Laura remained serious. “She said you had moved out, that you’re living with Caesar’s family.”
Nathaniel grew more somber. “Did she tell you why?”
“She wouldn’t say much, other than you not getting along with Dwight. But really, what sort of reason is that? Siblings always have their problems. I know how strong-headed your brother can be, but you can also—”
“He’s not my brother,” Nathaniel spat. “And the other man living there? That piece of shit? He’s not my father!”
Laura pursed her lips, which was all it took for him to feel bad. He never acted up around his grandparents. When he was younger maybe, but he tried to be on his best behavior. Especially around his grandmother, whom he loved dearly.
“Sorry,” he mumbled.
Laura placed a worn and wrinkled hand over his, patting it a few times. “I understand now.”
“You do?”
“Yes. I didn’t realize they had told you. I know it’s a big adjustment, but honey, there’s more to family than blood. Heath raised you. He works hard to provide you all with a good home. That makes him your father. That’s what counts. And I don’t know what you and Dwight are struggling with, but believe me, even biological siblings drive each other crazy. Coming from the same womb doesn’t mean you’ll get along.”
Nathaniel remained very still, which was difficult because he felt very much like jumping to his feet or spluttering a number of questions, all of which boiled down to wanting to know what the hell she was talking about. In the end, he managed to utter one hoarse word. “What?”
His grandmother searched his eyes, realizing her mistake. “I thought they told you! Why else would you say— Why would you be living with another family, especially so close to graduation when you’ll be moving out anyway?”
Nathaniel pulled his hand away. “He’s not my father?”
“Of course he is!” Laura said. “That’s what I was trying to tell you. Let’s calm down, shall we?” The suggestion could have been directed at herself, since her hand was now placed over her heart.
“He’s not my biological father,” Nathaniel said, refusing to let the truth be swept away so easily. “If he’s not, then who is?”
Laura opened her mouth a few times, then looked toward the living room, calling her husband’s name. “Joe!”
“Who’s my real father?” Nathaniel demanded.
“How could I be so foolish?” His grandmother leaned back in her chair. “I’m sorry for dropping it on you like that. I thought you knew!”
“Just tell me,” Nathaniel pleaded. “Who?”
“I think it’s best if we get your mother on the phone.” Laura stood and went to the kitchen counter. “We’ll do this the right way.”
Nathaniel watched her pick up the phone and punch in the number. Once the receiver was pressed against her ear, she looked back at him as if he might bolt. She needn’t have worried. Nothing would get him to leave this room. Not when he was so close to the truth.
“Voicemail.” His grandmother made it sound like a cuss word. She set down the phone reluctantly before turning to him. “This needs to be done the right way.”
“You keep saying that, but I don’t know what it means.”
“That the rest of the story needs to come from your mother.”
Nathaniel
eyed her disbelievingly. “You won’t tell me who he is?”
“It doesn’t matter,” his grandma said pleadingly. “The man who raised you is your father.”
But it did matter, because Nathaniel felt like the world had kept spinning without him, leaving him scrabbling to catch hold of anything solid. He needed something to anchor him again—a name, a location, a physical description. Or a photo. He stood, the chair skidding across the floor before it tilted and fell. Then he rushed from the room. The bedroom door was cracked when he reached it, so he used his shoulder to shove it open, surprised to find the room occupied.
Caesar spun around, arms hanging limp, a cell phone in one hand. Then he smiled. “I broke up with her.”
“What?”
“With Steph. I broke up with her.”
“Why?” He didn’t wait for an answer. Nathaniel pushed past him to get to the far side of the bed where they had left the photo albums on the floor. He knelt to grab one of them, tossing it aside when he saw it was the wrong one. Once he had the other open, he flipped through each page impatiently until he found a photo of a punky-looking guy standing next to Star, his expression cool, like all this drama didn’t faze him. Nathaniel tore back the protective layer of transparent plastic and snatched the photo free. Then he stood, finding Caesar in his way once again.
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Nathaniel snapped. Then he sighed. “Everything. I don’t know. Just stay here, okay?”
Caesar seemed unhappy, but he nodded.
Nathaniel squeezed past him, noticing his expression. “Sorry about your girlfriend,” he said, before his mind returned to the dizzying truth. He glanced down at the photo as he left the room and walked down the hall. Were they a couple? The guy wasn’t holding his mother’s hand. He didn’t have an arm around her possessively. Their shoulders weren’t even touching.