In the midst of my despair, I felt a jacket being placed around my shoulders, then a set of arms encircled me. For a moment, I just sat there, breathing in his soothing scent. I let it surround me because the sick part of me wanted to let him in again. It wanted his comfort. It wanted his love.
Then clarity came and the anger surfaced. My whole body started to shake and the more I shook, the more Dean’s arms tightened around me. But no matter how much I craved his comfort, no amount of it could ever take away what he did. No amount of his love would wash away his betrayal.
Shaking my head, I pushed at him to let me go. He did and I quickly stood up to face him. He looked torn and as heartbroken as I was, but I couldn’t let him get to me. I was so damn angry, I instantly regretted the first words that came out of my mouth.
“You should be in there, not Jeremy! Jeremy did nothing to you. He was a sweet, innocent boy who didn’t deserve your wrath!” I cringed, feeling the guilt wash over me, but the anger was stronger. My rage towards Dean was winning out.
Dean started towards me, but I held up my hand. He stopped, looking pained, and opened his mouth to speak. “I know, Tyler. I know. I’m the worst scum of the universe. It should be me in there. I wholeheartedly agree with you. I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done.” He came forward again, but I backed away.
“Don’t come near me. I hate you, Dean. I hate what you did, I hate what you became, and I hate what you’re doing to me now. Why did you come here? Why can’t you just leave me alone?” I sobbed again, feeling the mixture of the rain and the tears in my mouth. I didn’t want him to reduce me to this, but he had succeeded again. I was a withering mess, all because of a lost boy I loved with all my heart.
My Dean.
My everything.
“I love you, Tyler. I always have and always will. I can’t let you go because you’re the only person who can breathe oxygen into my lungs, blood to my beating heart, thoughts into my brain. I live only for you, Tyler. Can’t you see that? You were always meant to be mine.”
I shook my head through my tears. I couldn’t let him see how much his words affected me. They were the only words I had ever wanted to hear. The only words I had ever dreamed of hearing. But not like this. Not after what he’d done.
“You took away that right when you started stalking me, playing with me, and taking away everyone I loved.”
“Tyler, please…” He moved forward and I stepped back again.
“Don’t ‘Tyler, please’ me. You’re a fucking asshole, Dean. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you!” I sobbed again, nearly collapsing to my knees. Dean sprang towards me and held me in his arms. I let him and sobbed into his chest. I let him take me, consume me, comfort me because I desperately needed it. I desperately needed Dean to take it all away.
But he could never take it away because, at that moment, I remembered. I pushed and punched at him with all my strength. I was pounding my fists in his chest and Dean just stood there and let me, never losing his grip. “Let me go!” I screamed, but it was a wasted effort. Dean was determined to hold me. Determined never to lose his grip.
“I’m never going to let you go again.”
Those words were it for me. I melted into him and cried all my tears. I cried for Jeremy. I cried for all the people I lost. Most of all, I cried for my best friend in the whole wide world. The one I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was comforting me, but he wasn’t the same person anymore. He wasn’t my Dean. I had lost him the day he decided to hurt me. The day he decided to break my heart in two.
“I’m so sorry, Tyler. I’m so sorry. I want to spend the rest of my life saying that and the rest of my life making it up to you. I love you so much.” He pulled away and cupped my face in both his hands.
In that instant, I was captivated by those piercing blue eyes. The ones which haunted my dreams and evaded my thoughts. He had me now. And I hated and loved him even more for it.
“I love you, Tyler O’Shea. I love you.”
Without thinking, I grabbed him and pulled him towards my lips. The fireworks suddenly surrounded my head. I was falling back under that spell of his and, right now, I didn’t care to come back up. Pushing my tongue in, Dean accepted straight away, growling into my mouth. My heart rate picked up and my loins suddenly felt like they had come to life for the first time in four years.
If I thought it couldn’t get any worse, Dean pulled me tighter into his body and I felt that familiar growth between his legs that I came to know and love. As he kissed me, he stroked my cheek tenderly, but gripped my waist with a brute strength that set the fires raging. My Dean was here, but so was my Lotus. My ultimate fantasy, my ultimate love…my ultimate nightmare. He was here and it was anything and everything I imagined it to be.
Surely I couldn’t do this. Surely I couldn’t possibly let him in when he had been the one to cause all the destruction around me. His spell was strong, surrounding me in its deadly warmth. I had to get away before it was too late. I had to get away before he completely owned me.
Somehow finding the strength, I pushed away, only then realizing I was still crying. He stared at me with a mixture of shock, hope, and desire that always sparked the same reaction in me. But I couldn’t let that hold me back.
“I can’t do this.” I shook my head and stepped around him. I had to get away before he trapped me. I had to be stronger than this.
“Tyler…” His voice sounded desperate as he held his hand out to me.
“I can’t do this,” I said again. I ran towards the exit gates and down towards the nearest side street. The rain was still pounding down on me, but I welcomed it. With each drop, it washed away my terrible sins and, despite knowing it couldn’t be true, I hoped with all hope it would wash away Dean, too.
As I neared the entrance to an alleyway, I felt a hand tug on my arm and he pulled me as far into the alley as we could go. Before I knew it, Dean had me up against a wall. For a moment, we just stared, our breathing harsh, our hair and clothes soaking wet. I couldn’t seem to move and, right then, I didn’t want to.
“You destroyed me, Dean. I loved you. I would have done anything for you. But you took that love and made it into something ugly. You made yourself into something ugly.” I shook my head through the rain and tears and looked into his pained eyes. “I would do anything in my power to have my Dean back.” I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek. Closing his eyes, he leaned into my touch. “The boy who used to climb into my window nearly every day. The boy who would do anything to avoid kissing me or touching me because he was waiting for me. The boy who, on my twelfth birthday, placed a Hula Hoop crisp on my finger that I didn’t take off for two days because I was desperately and hopelessly in love with him. The boy who would have done anything to see me happy.”
Dean’s eyes flared open and watched me for a second before he placed his forehead on mine. “I can be that boy again. If you’ll let me, I’ll make you the fucking happiest woman in the universe.” Dean gripped his eyes shut, then opened them again. “I will do anything it takes, Tyler. Anything to make you happy. But, please, don’t ask me to let you go because I can’t. I can’t lose you again.”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head against his. “Dean, I can’t—”
He held his fingers to my lips. “Shh, don’t say it, Tyler. Don’t say the words that will fucking break me. Don’t say the words that will tear my world apart.” Dean sighed and gripped his eyes shut before looking back at me again. “Don’t ask me to give up something that has always been a part of me. It will kill me, Tyler. Please. I can’t live without you.”
I pulled my head back and looked into his desperate eyes. I couldn’t possibly let him back in, but I couldn’t hurt him, either. No matter what he’d done to me, I would always remember the boy he once was. The man he once was. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words I needed to say because, despite every single thing he did to hurt me, I still cared for him. I still loved him. My fucking god, I loved him
. Everything about him sucked me in. Every single breath I took, every heartbeat that ran through me was all for him. Why couldn’t I move past that? Why couldn’t I seem to let it go? Why couldn’t I seem to let him go? I was a shell, and only he could be the one to fill it in. I was fooling myself into thinking I could ever possibly love another man. He was always it for me.
The end of the road.
“Dean…” His name came as a breathless whisper. Dean looked up and I didn’t know what he saw, but something changed in his look. It became more predatory, the fire dancing within his eyes.
“I need you so fucking much. I want you so fucking much. I need to feel you, Tyler. I can’t live without the feel of you. I’ve waited so long to be inside you. I’ve waited so long to make you mine again.” His nose trailed a line from the base of my neck to my jaw. I hissed, feeling that same desire spark like never before.
Pulling away, he locked on me with those eyes of his and quickly pinned me up against the wall. A small gasp left my lips as my body completely took over. “Dean,” I whispered again, unable to hide my longing for him. My rage and despair quickly turned into something more primal. I wanted him so much at that moment. Probably more than I’d ever wanted him. The emotions seemed to spark an electric charge within me. It seemed to just zone in on one emotion and one emotion only.
Desire.
As if sensing this, Dean clasped his mouth to mine in a ferocious kiss. He claimed my mouth again, but it was different this time. This wasn’t the same as the gentle, tender kiss I got at the cemetery. This was somehow different. It was raw. It was passionate. It was desperate.
As his tongue explored mine, Dean grabbed my hands and placed them above my head as he ran his hands down my arms, then the length of my body. A small moan escaped my mouth as he hitched my skirt up with both hands and ripped the panties from my body.
My head felt dizzy with need. I didn’t think I could ever want someone as badly as this, but I did. It took over every thought, every hurt, every pain in my heart that I had ever felt. It took over everything he had ever done to me.
I was completely and utterly his.
With one hand, Dean opened his belt and unbuckled his jeans. He looked frantic, but all that did was heighten my desire. I was just as desperate as he was.
Once he freed himself, Dean picked me up and held me against the wall. He held me there a moment, staring deeply into my eyes. A tear came down my face and Dean kissed it away.
“I want to kiss all your tears away, Tyler.”
Before I even had a moment to process what he said, he entered me. Dean cried out and I closed my eyes, another sob escaping my lips. I didn’t know why I was crying at that moment because it was all I ever dreamed off. The relief of feeling him again was overwhelming me.
Dean stopped and looked into my eyes with an agonizing stare. “I’m so sorry, Tyler. So sorry.”
Closing my eyes, I captured his lips with mine and breathed heavily into his mouth. “Please, Dean. Don’t. Stop.”
Dean growled and pushed into me, making my heart pound in my ears. I felt like I had been away from home and had finally returned. Everything about this was so wrong, but it felt as though I was right where I needed to be. Right where I was always meant to be.
As he pushed inside me more, Dean claimed my mouth and all I could do was ride this glorious wave he had me under. I was pinned, I couldn’t move, I had nowhere to go, but there was nowhere else I would rather be. In fact, I wished it would never end. I wanted to remain in our bubble. Nothing could hurt us there. Nothing and no one could break us as long as we remained there. Together. The way we were always meant to be.
“Tyler!” he screamed as he pounded into me over and over again. My knees were starting to shake. My world was starting to shake. It was everything I remembered and more.
“Tyler, I fucking missed you so much. Don’t ever run from me again. This is where you belong. Right. Here. With. Me.” He pounded into me with each word, and with each word, I felt my orgasm rise. With each word, it hit a spot only Dean was ever able to strike. He was taking me over again and all I was able to do in that moment was feel.
Just feel, Tyler.
So I did. I let his spell surround me in its warm glow. I let him fuck me hard against the wall because this was always where I wanted to be.
“Fuck, Tyler. You need to come soon. I don’t know how long I can—”
With that, I screamed. I bellowed out his name and came so violently, I couldn’t see straight. His words and his touch were all it took to make me see stars.
“Tyler!” Dean pushed into me with a violent burst, his own release pouring inside of me. He held me in his arms as he rested his head in the crook of my neck. With one hand, I stroked his hair as I felt a sudden sob leave his lips.
Dean was crying and it was the most gut-wrenching sound I had ever heard. Not once had I seen or heard him cry, and the thought of it tore me up inside.
Dean was broken and the part that loved him so desperately wanted to fix him again. But how? I didn’t think I had enough inside to ever heal us both again. What he did left a permanent scar that would always be visible. He came to break me and he did, but it seemed his own actions had broken him, too. And the sick part about it? I wanted to heal him. I wanted so desperately to take his pain away.
I didn’t know what our future held, and the thought of me letting him in again filled me with pain. I wasn’t where he needed me to be and that thought crushed me more than words could say. The only thing I could offer him was now. I could at least give him that.
Pulling his head back, Dean faced me with a pained expression on his face. “I’m so sorry, Tyler. I want to fix this. I want to fix us.”
I smiled, thinking that he must have read my thoughts. I cupped his face in my hands and felt the cold rain and his warm tears hitting my skin. “I love you, Dean. I always have and I always will.”
Dean gripped his eyes shut for a moment before meeting my eyes again. “Why does it feel like there’s a ‘but’ after that sentence?”
I sighed, wondering how he could sense me so well. But I couldn’t do this to him. Not now. Not today.
“Will you come with me?”
I saw hope spark in his eyes for a second before he leaned in and kissed me tenderly on the lips. “Tyler, I will go wherever you go because I don’t belong anywhere else but with you.”
I kissed him back and he gently eased himself out of me, my feet meeting the ground. I pulled my skirt back down as Dean did up his jeans.
“I didn’t use a condom.” Dean looked at me apologetically and I shook my head.
“It’s okay, Dean.”
“I know it’s always okay, but what about getting pregnant?”
I cringed. Dean still didn’t know about the wonderful parting gift he left me with over four years ago. “I won’t get pregnant. It’s fine.”
I didn’t want to get into why, but after I gave birth to Jeremy, I had the Mirena coil fitted. It was something I always wanted to do, but heard it could be quite painful for someone who hadn’t had a baby before. After having Jeremy, it seemed like the most logical thing to do. It was a contraceptive which keep my periods so light, I hardly bled at all. It had been a godsend.
Dean nodded with a smile and looked me over. “You’re going to catch a cold if you stand out here any longer. Let’s get going. I have my car and will take you wherever you need to go.”
I gave him a gentle smile as he held out his hand to me. I intertwined my fingers in his and, for the first time in a long time, it felt as though I was right back to where I was sixteen years ago. In that moment, I let the glow surround me. I needed this as much as he did. I needed to let myself be this happy again.
As we neared the exit of the alley, Dean wrapped a protective arm around me. Not far from there was a Dodge Challenger that Dean quickly opened the door to. “A big muscle car,” I teased, a cheeky glint in my eye.
Dean smiled. “You couldn’t reall
y have expected anything else from me, could you?”
I shook my head, getting in the car. Dean gently shut the door and I watched as he ran around the other side. I was soaked and I was now getting cold, but I didn’t let that ruin my moment today. Nothing could ruin this now.
Dean got in the other side and started the car. “So, where to?”
“Four Seasons.”
Dean smiled and nodded as he backed out of his space. A little way down the road, he grabbed my hand possessively and wrapped it around the car’s gearstick. With every shift, I felt him tug at my hand, but it was nice. For a while, I was going to let myself have the Dean back I once used to know. The boy who would always hold my hand and make me feel like the most precious woman on earth.
Once we parked and walked into my suite, we undressed each other in silence and showered one another. There was nothing sexual about it. Somehow, it was more than that. With every stroke and every caress, it made me feel more worshipped than I have ever felt in my life. We never once felt each other in the intimate places we so desperately wanted to. We were just coming together, appreciating one another.
Oh boy, did Dean have the body. For some reason, he seemed more muscular and stronger then I remembered. His tattoos stood out and, for a moment, I stood there staring at each of them. It was in that moment, I noticed three that weren’t there before. Or ones I never noticed were there.
“Dean, you have me on your chest and shoulder. That’s a picture of me when I was younger.”
He kissed my hand and nodded. “You will forever be with me, Tyler. That will never change. The one on my shoulder I got done when I was eighteen. I came back that day to show it to you.” He cringed, wondering if he had made a mistake bringing that up again. “I’m sorry.”
I smiled warmly at him, but still couldn’t get over the shock of one that stood out the most. “Jeremy,” I whispered, stroking the name across his chest.