We both started laughing and I felt my trembling subside a bit. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”
She nodded and went back to buttering the toast. “When he’s ready, he’ll talk, and you’ll deal with it how you always manage to deal with it. He’s your son. It just comes naturally.” Tara smiled and looked away to carry on making the breakfast.
It was funny how much you grew when you become a parent. For years, all I ever had to think about was myself. Now I had someone else to think about. In fact, I always came second to Jeremy. His needs took over the minute he was born.
*****
The moment we had finished breakfast, Jeremy and I left to go to the hospital. Humphrey had texted me first thing in the morning that he was there. I was really glad he was around because between Jimmy, Humphrey, and I, Dean would have somebody with him around the clock. He might be out of the woods, but he was still recovering from major surgery.
Once we got to the ward, Jeremy let go of my hand and went running into Dean’s room. He stopped dead when he saw Humphrey and frowned. “Mommy, there’s a man with very funny hair on his face sitting next to D.D.”
Humphrey laughed and looked at me. “I take it this is Jeremy?” I nodded. “Nice to meet you, Jeremy. I’m Dean’s Uncle Humphrey.”
Jeremy walked over to him and shook his hand, then his eyes fell on Dean. He stood still for a moment, studying Dean with a frown. He then walked up to the bed and put his hands out to me to lift him up. I did, but warned him to be careful.
I watched as Jeremy tenderly touched Dean’s face. “Did the bad man do this?”
My eyes widened a little because this was the first time Jeremy had made any reference to what happened.
“Yes.” I couldn’t lie to him. What could I say? He fell down the stairs?
“Is the bad man gone now?”
I nodded again, smiling. “Yes. He won’t hurt anyone anymore.”
Jeremy nodded. “Good.” He looked at Dean some more and nudged him a little. “D.D, wake up so you can play with me.”
I started laughing. “Jeremy, he’s resting. He can’t hear you because he needs to sleep. It’s very important so that he heals.”
Jeremy tilted his head a little as he carried on staring. “He said he was going to try and come home. He said he was happy that I found him.”
I felt the tears well a little. “He’s more than happy about that, Jeremy.”
Jeremy looked at Humphrey. “D.D. calls me grown-up.”
Humphrey smiled. “I like it. You are a big boy for… How old are you? Twenty-six?”
Jeremy giggled. “No, silly. I’m nearly four.”
Humphrey gasped. “Four? Wow… You are a big boy.” He looked up at me, then back at Jeremy. “So, we all know what your nickname is. Care to tell us what D.D. stands for?”
I swung my head to Jeremy, waiting, wondering if he would reveal it. For a moment, he was silent and just stared at Dean. Then he sighed and whispered, “Daddy Dean.”
Chapter 22
Dean
Seeking to forget makes exile all the longer;
The secret of redemption lies in remembrance.
Richard Von Weizsaecker
On some occasions, I was conscious. At least, I think I was. I strained to open my eyes at times, but the overwhelming blackness would take over, and the nothingness returned.
At times, I was aware of Jeremy being there. I heard him call me daddy, and it was the best feeling in the world, but also the worst. I was in here for a reason, and the reason was because I had put my family in danger. Me. It tore me up that I had put them through this. Tyler was running away from all this, and I rewarded her by pursuing her relentlessly. I rewarded her by placing her and Jeremy in danger.
Sometimes when the blackness came, I welcomed it because when I was conscious, it gave me time to think. It gave me time to recall everything that happened. It gave me time to drown in the ever-mounting guilt that consumed my every waking thought. As a partner and a father, I had failed them both. The one thing I thought I could always be was a protective husband and father, and I couldn’t even do that.
I was pathetic.
I was a failure.
I was ashamed.
Ashamed of myself, ashamed of what I failed to do when it really mattered. How could I promise the world to Tyler now? Time and time again, the only thing I proved was that I could never keep my word.
I knew Jimmy was there at times, and I knew my uncle was, too. I heard his mocking tone when Tyler was there. I heard the way he would flirt with her, and I knew he was trying to wind me up. In fact, I just heard him say how beautiful she was and if she ever got fed up with me, she knew where he was. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to tell him to keep his filthy hands off her, but I was stuck. Knowing she was in the room, I was stuck.
I let myself fall under again.
The next time I woke up, I slowly opened one eye to find Humphrey sitting on the windowsill, looking out.
Trying my hardest, I whispered, “You flirt with Tyler one more time, I swear I’ll cut your fucking tongue out, old man.”
Humphrey’s head snapped up and he looked at me with a smile. “Ah, so we were listening. I had to say something to get your ugly mug to wake up. How long were you planning on staying here for? This isn’t a fucking vacation, you lazy piece of shit.”
I tried to push myself up, but it was painful. I couldn’t help but softly laugh at him, though. This was Humphrey all over. “And I love you, too.”
“You just missed Tyler. She’s been coming here every day. She even feels guilty every time she has to leave to look after Jeremy. I don’t know why she’s fussing about you.”
I knew he was just joking with me, but his words hit more than he realized. “I know.”
“I’ve met my little great nephew, but I daren’t call him little. I think he’s just as scary as his fucking pig-headed father.”
I smiled. I guess he was a little scary at times. More than a few times, Jimmy and I have had to sit on the naughty step because we accidently said a rude word, or did something he considered bad. And every fucking time, no matter what, Jimmy and I would do as he said.
“He certainly has some spunk, doesn’t he?”
Humphrey shook his head. “What makes it worse is that there’s no mistaking he’s your son. Apart from his hair, he’s like a replica of you. His eyes, his nose, his mouth…the same stern frown you have whenever you’re thinking about killing someone.”
I snorted. “I doubt very much Jeremy’s frowning for that reason.”
Humphrey huffed. “He is his father’s son, so who knows? He could be plotting the next greatest bank heist in that little brain of his.”
I tried to laugh again, but it hurt my chest. “Well, I’m not planning on him following in his father’s footsteps, by any fucking means.”
Humphrey cleared his throat. “Tyler’s done well by him.”
I smiled. “Yes, she has.”
Then I come and fucking spoil it all.
Humphrey got up. “Shall I go and call her back? She hasn’t been gone that long. I’m sure she wouldn’t hesitate to turn back around and—”
I shook my head slightly. “No. I don’t wish to speak with Tyler right now. I want you to get the surgeon who operated on me.”
Humphrey’s eyes widened. “You mean Tyler’s ex? I did hear about that. I mean, I’m all for you beating up her ex’s, but are you sure it should be done on the one who saved your life?”
I put my hand up. “I’m not fucking going to beat him, Humphrey. Have you not noticed that I’m a little incapacitated at the moment? I just need to speak with him about something. And I need you to make some plans for me, please.”
Humphrey’s eyes went wide. “Fuck me, it must be serious. The boy said please.”
I shook my head with a smile. “Don’t mess with me, old man. I’ve made a decision, and believe me when I say that this is the hardest fucking decision I have ever had to
make in my whole life.”
Humphrey’s smile disappeared as he looked at me seriously. “Okay, Dean, anything you need. I’ll go get the doc for you.”
Chapter 23
Tyler
It was a couple of weeks later and things were starting to get strange. I would go to visit Dean in the hospital, but he remained unconscious. Humphrey was very quiet and, sometimes, I would find him staring at me with a somber look on his face. Something was off, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. When I visited yesterday, Humphrey hugged me when I left and told me to take good care of myself. I frowned and asked him why he was saying it, but he just shrugged it off and said that I needed to eat and sleep more. He even joked that Dean wasn’t worth all the stress and that running away with him would be better. We laughed, but it didn’t stop the nagging feeling that something was amiss. In fact, I thought it was so amiss that I found myself getting ready a hell of a lot quicker than normal to go and see him.
Jeremy wanted to come, but something was telling me not to bring him. In the end, I made an excuse that Jimmy wanted to play in the pool with him, so we could go back to the hospital later. That seemed to keep him happy.
I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could and took the lift to the second floor. Once out, I rushed to Dean’s room, but the closer I got, the more the sinking feeling seemed to barrel down on me.
Once at the door, I took a deep breath and pushed it open. I walked in and saw an empty bed. No one was there. There was nothing even to suggest anyone had even been there. The bed was even made up with new sheets.
I felt a noise behind me and when I spun around, I saw Evan standing there, looking sheepish. My panic rose. “Evan?” My eyes pooled with tears. “Please don’t tell me he’s—”
He shook his head. “No. He, erm…” He placed his hand on the back of his neck and it was then that I saw he had a letter in his hand. “He left this morning with his uncle. They’ve flown back to the UK.”
My eyes widened as the tears streamed down. “But he’s sick. He can’t go back.”
“I told him he needed to stay for a couple more weeks, then he was deemed fit to fly. He’ll get more care once he gets back home.”
I shook my head, wondering if I heard correctly. “Sorry? Two weeks ago he said this? Every time I’ve visited he’s been unconscious.”
Evan bit his lip and looked down. “He regained consciousness about two weeks back. He’s just been waiting for the moment he could fly back home.”
I stumbled a little and reached out for the bed. I sat on the edge and just stared. How could he do this to me? I thought this was what he wanted. He had chased me, for fuck’s sake. Not the other way around. He came for me again, only to break my heart again… and now he’s fucked off? The bastard!
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Evan motioning with his hand. I looked up and could see it was the letter he was holding. “He asked me to give you this.”
I nodded and took it from him. I didn’t want to say anything because I was afraid I’d say something I’d regret. I was angry at him. I was angry at Humphrey. But, mostly, I was angry at Dean for being a coward and running away. He should have stayed and faced me. Instead, he got Evan and Humphrey to cover for him so he could plan his escape.
Yes, saying nothing was a good idea.
Once I took the letter from Evan, he stood there for a moment and watched me. When I didn’t say anything, he cleared his throat. “I’d better get back to work.”
He walked out of the door, leaving me with the letter in my hand. I paused for a moment and stroked the letters on the envelope. I then ripped it open and started reading.
Tyler,
By now, you must know that I’ve recovered enough to go home. I know you’ll be angry at Evan for keeping this from you, but please don’t be. He wants what is best for you just as much as I do, and it’s this reason I’ve decided to let you go.
I’ve failed both you and Jeremy, and nothing in this world will ever begin to make up the hurt I’ve caused, the danger I’ve brought, and the unimaginable pain I’ve left you with knowing I let that scumbag take our son. I have let you down in the worst way, and I’m truly sorry. If I could wave a magic wand and take it all back, I would…but I can’t.
I’m a selfish man, Tyler. I hunted you down and pursued you relentlessly because I was thinking about my own needs above anyone else’s. That selfishness brought you danger which, for me, is beyond repair. I will never forgive myself after what I’ve done to you, and for what I’ve done to Jeremy. You are both better off without me. In fact, you were doing fine without me. You have brought up a beautiful, intelligent boy, and I am extremely proud of that. Our son will never want for anything, and I can go away a happy man knowing that he has the best mum in the world. I will support you, Tyler. I promise you that. I will send money once a month so that you have everything you need to bring up our son. Anything you need, just ask and I will get it for you. That, at least, you can rely on.
You wanted me gone because you were scared for our son, and you were right to be scared. You were right to push me away. I promise you that I am gone and will never hassle you again. You can live a carefree life with Jeremy without the constant worry of looking over your shoulder. You can learn to love again and have a man take care of you the way you deserve to be taken care of. And, Tyler, you better make sure he is worthy of you. If not, I will have to hunt him down and break his fucking legs!
I will miss you, Rosey. I will miss you so much, it fucking hurts…but you must realize as much as I do how right it is for us to be apart. I will only bring you pain. I will only bring you suffering. I will only bring you danger. I wish I was wrong, but we both know that I’m not.
I’m so sorry.
Tell grown-up how proud I am of him, and how much his Daddy Dean loves him.
Be happy, my precious Rosey.
I will always love you.
D
I sat on the bed, tears streaming down my face. I was shocked and hurt but, most of all, I was angry. In fact, the more I sat there, the more that anger grew and grew before I scrunched up the letter and stood.
“You think you can try and run away from me without being a man and telling me to my face, Dean? Well, arsehole, I think you have another thing coming!”
Chapter 24
Dean
I don’t believe the world’s a particularly beautiful place,
But I do believe in redemption.
Colum McCann
Three weeks later
I thought being apart from Tyler would get easier with time, but I was just kidding myself. When did being apart from her ever get easier? A handful of times in the past three weeks, I had almost booked a flight to go back to her and beg her forgiveness, but that was the selfish part of me wanting what I couldn’t have again. Writing that letter killed me. It killed me giving her permission to love another man. And it damn near pushed me over the edge when I asked Evan to take care of her. I actually gave him permission to take care of what was mine. She would always be mine, no matter what. I blame me asking him to do that on the painkillers.
Fisting my hands, I grimaced at the thought she might be with him right now. Every part of me still hurt from the physical torture I endured at the hands of that little shit, Pinzano, but none of that could ever come close to the emotional tsunami that swept me up every fucking day knowing that I couldn’t be with her.
Memories of us, old and new, consumed me. In fact, I had been thinking so much about our childhood, I found myself at the park we used to go to in Buckinghamshire. It was just how I remembered, but some changes had been made. The kiddy park had been spruced up quite a bit, and it looked like there were more plants and flowers than I had remembered.
It was August and it was a nice day with lots of sunshine. Parents were out with their kids, playing on the swings, and I was on my own. Watching. Thinking. Remembering.
I walked towards a big lake that I remember throwing stones into w
hen I was a kid. On instinct, I picked up a pebble and did just that. I watched as it bounced on the water, then disappeared.
“You haven’t lost your touch, I see.”
My head snapped up to see Tyler standing there in a beautiful floral dress. She looked fantastic, but she always did. Her blonde hair was wavy and she had that sexy tousled look I always loved on her. Fuck, I’d missed her.
I stumbled to say something, but she beat me to it. Suddenly, she looked very angry. “I’ve got a major fucking bone to pick with you.”
“Tyler, I—”
She came walking towards me, her finger pointing. “Don’t you fucking ‘Tyler’ me, arsehole. How dare you fucking leave me. How dare you come over, make me love you all over again, then fuck off. How dare you…”
As she rambled on, all I could think about was how beautiful, how fucking sexy she looked. Tyler was sexy as hell at all times, but when she was angry? Hell, I wanted to throw her up against the nearest object I could find and rip her fucking clothes off.
So, without thinking, I closed the distance between us and she stepped back. “I know that look. Don’t you fucking dare, Dean.”