“Okay.” I started to move back a little, and then changed my mind. I leaned forward and kissed him slowly. Whether I changed tonight or not, I was falling for Lucas…hard.
I drew away and gave him a soft smile. I twisted around and removed my boots. When I turned back, he was a wolf.
I nestled up against his side. Sleep seemed impossible when I knew what awaited me tonight. So I was surprised when darkness claimed me quickly.
SIXTEEN
When I woke up, it was early nightfall. Lucas was still sleeping when I crept out of the cavern and eased out from behind the waterfall. It was one of those weird nights where the moon was visible at the same time that the sun was. I’d always found the moon peaceful, but not tonight. Tonight it seemed ominous, a sign of change that I wasn’t sure I wanted to face.
I glanced around. No sign existed of the wolves who’d been here earlier, but I had a feeling they were still around, guarding us. They knew what was supposed to happen tonight. It seemed to me that I should feel different. Instead I wondered what my senior year of high school was going to be like if I had a boyfriend at a university in another state. I was concerned with clothes and shoes and grades. Typical teenage stuff. I just didn’t know if I’d be typical anymore.
I felt Lucas’s presence before I heard him or saw him. He came to stand beside me. He’d shifted back to human form. Even though he was still recovering from his wound, I felt strength emanating from him.
“The others are still here, aren’t they?” I asked.
“Yes. Devlin said the Keanes had left. Tonight wouldn’t be a good night for them to return. The first shift goes much easier if there are no interruptions, if we’re not distracted by other things.”
I glanced at his side. He was wearing a T-shirt and I couldn’t see his bandages, but I knew they were there. “How are you feeling?”
“Not bad for someone who got shot. I’ve gotten so used to shifting to heal wounds that I’m a little impatient that it hasn’t healed completely, but I’m going to be all right.”
“He could have killed you.”
“But he didn’t. And now it’s your survival we have to focus on.”
My mouth went dry. I was almost as scared right now as I’d been this afternoon. “If you’re right about what’s going to happen, I guess after tonight I won’t be just a girl anymore.”
He gave me a sad smile. “You never were, Kayla.”
I nodded. “I know this probably sounds totally insane—and I know it’s not like we’re getting married—but I really feel grungy. I’d love to pretty myself up.”
“A lot of the guys bring the girls here for their first transformation. There’s a box over there with a lot of girl stuff in it. I’ll show you. Then I have some things to prepare, too.”
I found everything I needed in the cavern. I guessed that they were used to girls feeling like they had to be at their best when going through their first shift. There were little samples of everything, like you find in a hotel. Using the very edge of the waterfall where the water wasn’t so harsh, I shampooed and showered. I applied a lotion to my skin. I combed out my hair and finger-fluffed it until it dried. I left it loose, hanging past my shoulders. I had a brief moment of wondering what my fur would look like before shutting down the thought. I didn’t really want to contemplate the enormity of what was going to happen in a few hours.
I bundled up my clothes, then dropped them near our sleeping bags. Arranged over some containers was a wrap that Lucas suggested I wear. It would provide me with cover without hampering my movements until I shifted. Then it would just fall away.
It was white and silky and seemed appropriate for a first-time Shifter. I draped it around my shoulders. It had enough volume and folds that I didn’t have to clutch the opening to keep it closed. I guessed after thousands of years the Shifters had figured out what they needed for this moment.
I walked back to the waterfall and stared at the rush of water. I didn’t have Lucas’s certainty that I was going to change. While I was afraid of what the transformation might be like, I was more terrified that if it didn’t occur, in spite of his reassurances, I’d lose Lucas.
Lucas and I ate by moonlight. We sat on a black cape, similar to my white one. I assumed it was his and wondered why he wasn’t already wearing it. Apparently there were rituals involved here that I didn’t yet know about.
Dinner was simple: just prepackaged sandwiches and protein bars. Lucas told me to eat plenty because I’d need my strength. Sipping my bottled water, I watched as the moon rose higher.
“So after the first shift, I can change at will?” I asked, wanting to know as much as possible in case it did happen.
Lucas was stuffing our trash into the front pocket of the backpack. He was all about not littering our environment. He glanced up at me. “Yeah.”
“So, how do I do that?”
“The first shift, you have no control over. Your body is going to do what it needs to do to teach itself to shift. When you’re ready to shift back to human form, just close your eyes and envision yourself as a human. Your body will take over.”
“What if it doesn’t? What if I get stuck?”
He grinned. “I’ve never heard of anyone getting stuck in one form. If you think you’re in trouble, just let me know.” He shifted away as though suddenly uncomfortable. “Just remember that I’ll be able to read all your thoughts…and you’ll be able to read mine.”
“That’s how we’ll communicate?”
“Yeah.”
“This is going to be so freaking weird. Are you sure you don’t have me confused with someone else?”
“I’m sure.”
“So what time will all this happen? When will the moon be at its zenith?”
“Sometime around midnight.”
I nodded. “And what do you do?”
“If you accept me—”
“Wait, what do you mean if I accept you?”
“You have to accept me as your mate.”
“How do I do that?”
He grinned again. “With a kiss.”
I smiled back at him, then my nerves kicked in and I grew serious. “So this is a shifting and a mating ritual?”
I thought he was blushing again. “It doesn’t go any further than a kiss…unless both parties want it to.”
“Have you ever done it? I mean, as a wolf?”
He laughed. It was a deep rich sound, the first time I’d ever heard him truly laugh. It made me feel good, made some of the tension inside me uncoil.
“I can’t believe you asked me that,” he said.
“What? You never even thought about it?”
He gave me a wry grin. “No, I’ve never done it as a wolf.”
“How about…you know. In human form.”
He took my hand and shook his head. “Wolves mate for life.”
I swallowed hard. “So you’ve been, like, waiting for me?”
“My whole life.”
No wonder Devlin had lost it. But I didn’t want to think about him or all the heavy stuff that Lucas might be dealing with. I needed to get through tonight so I could help him get through the baggage he’d picked up. My therapist was going to have a field day analyzing me when I got back from summer vacation.
“So this silky thing we’re sitting on, you’ll wear it?”
He nodded.
“And you stay in human form until…?”
“We shift together—or as close together as possible.”
“And you tell me what to do?”
He nodded again.
I squeezed his hands. “Look, I know this is coming, but…I can’t just sit here and wait for it. Don’t take this wrong, but I need to walk around. And I need to be alone for a while to psych myself up.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.” I should have felt relief that he didn’t argue. He needed to rest anyway. It was still a couple hours until the time for my transformation. I got up and started walking along the edge of
the clearing.
What amazed me was that it was such a calm night. It felt like there should be storms, thunder, and lightning. Like the world should feel the turmoil that was rumbling inside me. This morning I’d thought the impassioned words I love you when Lucas had faced death. But he’d yet to repeat the words to me. Mates for life. Shouldn’t the words be given easily?
So maybe after tonight, we’d start dating—let our human side catch up with our wolf side. It seemed sort of backward, but I guessed he’d had no choice since I hadn’t known the truth about my circumstances. The unknown was big and scary.
I don’t know how long I walked. I walked until my legs were too tired to run away or climb the slopes that surrounded us.
Face your fears, Dr. Brandon had said.
But no way could he have known the fears that were cascading through me now. At the edge of the woods I stopped walking—and waited. The moon rose higher. I’d always found it peaceful. It had the power to change the tides, and tonight it would possibly change my life.
Eventually Lucas got up and walked over to where I waited. My knees grew weak and I was grateful that I had a sturdy tree to lean against. He lifted his arm and pressed his forearm against the bark, over my head, as though he, too, needed some sort of support. The action brought him even closer. I felt the welcoming heat of his body reaching out to mine. I’d slept nestled against that body. I knew it in both human and wolf forms. It didn’t frighten me.
He dipped his head down. His lips were almost touching mine. Almost.
“Kayla,” he whispered, and his warm breath caressed my cheek. “It’s time.”
Tears stung my eyes. I shook my head. The reality was that I didn’t want to change into a wolf. It sounded painful. It wasn’t how I’d ever envisioned myself. It was a gigantic step that terrified me. “I’m not ready, not yet.”
I heard an ominous, throaty growl in the distance. He stiffened. I knew he heard it, too. He shoved away from me and glanced over his shoulder. That’s when I saw them. The wolves had returned and were prowling the perimeter of the clearing.
Lucas looked back at me, disappointment reflected in his silver eyes. “Then pick another. But you can’t go through it alone.”
He turned his back on me and began striding with purpose toward the wolves.
“Wait!” I screamed after him.
But it was too late.
He started discarding his clothes with each quickening step. Then he was running. He leaped into the air—
By the time he hit the ground, he was a wolf. Always before I’d missed the transformation. He’d either shifted when I wasn’t looking or he’d hidden himself. I’d expected it to be ugly. To be like it was in the movies. His body fighting the metamorphosis. Instead it had been a quick shimmer, graceful and powerful in its intensity. It had been…right.
He threw back his head and howled at the moon. The anguished sound reverberated through me, called to me. I wrestled against answering, but the wildness that resided deep inside me was too strong, too determined to have its way.
I started running toward him. The grass was soft and cool beneath my bare feet. He’d almost died for me. I could live without him saying he loved me. But I couldn’t live without him. As I crossed the open space, I dipped down and picked up the black cloak. I continued on until I reached him. I draped the cloak over him and knelt. “I choose you.”
In another shimmering blink, he was standing before me, again in human form, his body cloaked in black. I rose and smiled at him. He was a warrior, a guardian. Whether in human or wolf form, he was Lucas. He was courageous. And a year ago, he’d looked at me and known—known what I was afraid to face. That we belonged together. He’d had my name etched permanently on his skin.
He took my hand and led me to the center of the clearing. When I glanced back, the wolves had quietly disappeared. So they’d only been there to offer me options, to force me to choose. Privacy once more belonged to Lucas and me. I was relieved that they were gone. I didn’t want to share this moment with an audience.
Lucas stopped walking and drew me into the circle of his embrace. And waited. Waited for me to accept him. To kiss him. In some ways, this moment was more monumental than what would follow. I lifted myself up on my bare toes. It was all the encouragement he needed. He lowered his mouth to mine.
In a way, it was like every kiss I’d ever had before. Soft and warm. In a way, it was like no kiss I’d ever had before. Hungry and wild.
In the blink of an eye—or I might have blinked if my eyes had been open, but I’d closed them with the first gentle touch—it shifted from we’re friends testing the waters to we’re mates, our lives in each other’s hands, our destinies intertwined.
Face your fears, Dr. Brandon had told me. But how did I face this? How did I face that I felt so much for him already, that if anything happened to him, my life would be over?
Mates. Destiny. Forever.
The words were a gentle refrain going through my mind. Sure, I had choices. I could walk away, but even if I did, I thought my heart and soul would remain behind with Lucas.
He drew back from the kiss, but his arms tightened around me. He nuzzled the side of my neck and I heard him inhale my scent. I inhaled the masculine fragrance that was him.
And waited.
I waited for the moon to reach its zenith. I waited for my body to respond. I waited for unbearable pain. I waited, wondering if I’d be disappointed or relieved if nothing happened.
I felt the first caress of moonlight and my skin began to tingle. I stiffened with awareness and nervousness. Moonlight couldn’t be felt and yet I felt it.
Lucas said in a low voice, “Relax. Don’t fight it, but stay with me.”
I felt little pinpricks, a thousand tiny jabs inside and out. I could hear my blood thrumming between my ears. I could smell the earthy fragrance of the woods and the sexy scent of the guy standing with me. I heard the rapid thudding of my heart. My toes cramped. My ankles popped.
“I love you, Kayla.”
I jerked back and met Lucas’s silver gaze. As far as distractions went, he was incredible.
“I couldn’t say it before, not until you chose me. I love you.”
He kissed me again. It was wonderful and terrifying. It was possessive and liberating.
I felt fire shoot down my spine.
“Not yet,” he urged. “Stay with me. Hold on to me. Focus on my voice.” He kissed the side of my neck.
I’d had cramps before, but nothing like this. It was all-encompassing, from my head to my toes. It built and built—
“Let go,” he rasped. “Now, let go.”
There was a burst of white, a flash of color, a concussion that made no sound, but was deafening—
Then I was looking into Lucas’s silver eyes and staring at his furry face. I looked down at my paws, my legs. At the red fur washed by moonlight.
Are you okay?
It was his question, asked without words.
Yes.
He touched his nose to mine, nuzzled my neck, then my shoulder. Even though he was a wolf, I could smell Lucas, could smell the essence that was him in human form.
You’re beautiful, he thought.
Only when I’m a wolf? I was a little vain.
Always. It’s easier to think than to say.
I don’t feel different.
It’s just a shape.
I wanted to laugh. I’d been so afraid. And it had been so easy. With him beside me, it had been like stepping into silk.
Will I be sore tomorrow?
A little.
What do we do now?
We play.
What about your wound?
It’s almost healed.
He pounced on me, teasingly, lightly. We rolled. We jostled.
Catch me, I thought just before I started racing across the clearing.
He gave me a head start. I loved the feel of the wind in my fur. I loved the speed with which I traveled. I ran faster tha
n I’d ever run.
But I couldn’t outdistance him. He easily caught up with me. Then we ran together while the moonlight washed over us.
SEVENTEEN
That night I slept within the cocoon of Lucas’s arms, with the white cloak around me. I’d shifted back to human form with no problem at all.
“You’re a natural,” Lucas had said with a hint of pride in his voice.
We’d spent a lot of time kissing and talking before we’d finally drifted to sleep.
I woke up first. The light inside the cavern was dim, but it was enough so I could watch Lucas sleep. Being here with him, sleeping beside him—I knew it was where I belonged.
Last night when I’d transformed into a wolf, all that I’d been, all that I thought I’d ever be, had changed as well. I wasn’t who I had thought I was, but strangely, I now knew myself better than I ever had before.
The fears that had resided inside me—I knew now that they were my inner beast awakening. Deep within me, I’d known a change was waiting, but I hadn’t realized what it was, I hadn’t known what to do.
This morning there was no fear. Not of my past and not of my future. I’d discovered my true self last night, and in the discovery my fears had dissipated.
And now I had Lucas. I was everything he’d expected, all that he wanted. And he was what I wanted.
Very quietly, I got up and walked to the waterfall.
I wondered if my mother had experienced her first shift here. Had my dad helped her through it? I tried to remember if I’d ever seen a mark on his shoulder. I was just a kid when they died. There was so much I hadn’t paid attention to.
But I had reconciled my memories of the day they’d died. The transformation had unlocked my past. I could clearly see them now on that last day we were together. They’d been trying to explain what I was, what we were. I could see them looking at me and each other with love. They held no fear. For them the transformation was a celebration of what they—we—were. They’d been so focused on making certain I wasn’t afraid that they hadn’t heard the hunters.