“Is it bad? I’ve been afraid to look in the mirror.”
His smile is pained. “Let’s just say that you may have to invest in a little bit of makeup.”
“How mad are they? Jenny and May, I mean . . .”
Lucky’s expression doesn’t change. “I’m not exactly sure.”
“You’re lying.”
He sighs and looks down at our hands laced together. “Everybody’s worried, of course. And they’re all a little bit confused as to why you would go see Charlie’s mother.” He looks up at me. “But I get it. I do.”
Maybe it shouldn’t matter, but it makes a difference that he feels that way. He gives me the sense that I’m not alone in this waking nightmare I’ve been living for years.
“Thanks for saying that. Even if you don’t mean it.”
“No, I mean it. I’m serious. You know, you and I are not so different.”
“What do you mean?”
“We both have a huge load of regret we carry from our past that we wish we could fix with a do-over, but we can’t. So we just have to learn how to move forward with it.”
“I don’t think what you did is anything close to what I did, though.”
“I think, on the cosmic balance sheet, it’s difficult to say whether one thing is worse than the other. Yes, you killed Charlie. But he was coming after you to kill you. If he hadn’t succeeded in doing it that day, he would have on another. The violence was getting really bad between you two, and you know it. And I didn’t shoot a gun at my sister, but maybe my negligence or failure to notice what was going on and do something about it was just as bad.” He shrugs. “I’ve tortured myself over it long enough. You showed me that. It’s you who made me see the truth. I think you’ve tortured yourself over Charlie long enough, too. It’s time we both try to put our regrets in the past where they belong and move forward.”
“I would really like to be able to do that.” I squeeze his hand hard, my desperation coming through in my grip. Even though it makes my arms and shoulders ache and the bruises pulse, I hang on. I feel like he’s keeping me from drowning.
“Scootch over,” he says.
I do my best to make a space for him on the narrow mattress.
He lies down next to me, placing his hand gently on my belly. “Nobody said that life was going to be easy, but I think together we can make it more peaceful.”
“I think so too.” I feel like I’m going to throw up when I say that, but it’s only because the emotions are so huge and so alien to me. I’ve never felt comfortable depending on somebody else, so it’s a big sacrifice for me to even allow the idea that Lucky is going to be a part of my life and a part of the decisions that I make.
“I was a real asshole that night I came home drunk.”
My mouth trembles as I fight to keep from crying again. It feels so good to hear him say this. Charlie never apologized to me for the things he did.
“Yeah, you were.”
“I shouldn’t have put you through that. It was careless and unkind.”
“Yes.”
“You were right to not let me back in the house after. I needed to think about what I’d done to you and to us and to decide what I wanted from our situation.”
“And did you decide?”
“Yes. I did.” He holds my hand and strokes the back of it with his thumb. “I want us to be together. Like a real couple.”
I smile, relieved and overjoyed. A little scared, too. It’s a big commitment. “Was that hard for you to say?”
He kisses my fingers. “No. I thought it was going to be. That’s why I got drunk that night. I wanted to say all these things to you and express how I was feeling, but I wasn’t sure I could do it sober. It was stupid of me. You were right when you said I have to be a strong man to deserve you. I can be that man, Toni, if you’ll let me.”
“You really hurt my feelings.” I have to fight the tears away. My heart is burning. “It made me feel like I wasn’t worth the effort of doing it the right way.”
“God, that’s horrible,” he says, his voice trembling. “I’m so sorry. Please let me make it up to you? Please? I promise I’ll do it right this time. I don’t think that way about you at all.”
The burning in my heart cools to a soothing warmth. I’m done punishing him over a stupid mistake I could have easily made myself. I’m not always the bravest person in the world, either. “What do you have in mind?”
“Let me surprise you.”
I squeeze his hand. “Okay. I look forward to it.”
He leans in and gives me a gentle kiss on the cheek. “You won’t regret letting me into your life, I promise.”
“I know I won’t.”
The babies move under his hand as he strokes my belly gently. “Go to sleep, Milli and Vanilli. Your mama needs her rest.”
Minutes later, I close my eyes and drift off. I don’t know if it’s the drugs or Lucky’s presence, but no nightmares of Charlie come to visit me that night in the hospital.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
I’m able to put off seeing any more visitors until I’m home, but then I’m anxious to get the face-to-face meetings over with. I have some apologizing to do.
Talking to Charlie’s mom that way was a harebrained idea; I know that now. Unfortunately, when it comes to my life, clarity often exists only in hindsight. But I have Lucky now, and I feel confident that with the two of us together, we’ll be able to make better decisions. This is an especially good thing, because these babies are acting like they’re going to bust through my belly any day, even though they have a lot of growing to do between now and their due date.
As I sit on the couch waiting for Ozzie to arrive, I see a little bulge pushing up from inside me. I poke at it with my finger, wondering if Milli or Vanilli can feel me in there. I tap out some Morse code on the baby’s heel. I love you. The idea that we can communicate makes me smile.
The door opens and shuts, and then Ozzie’s heavy footfalls come into the foyer.
“I’m in here.” I brace myself to get up off the couch but then give up when I realize it’s going to be too much effort and too painful. My body aches all over. Eunice did a great job of kicking my ass. Because I was so intent on protecting the babies, I ended up with a split scalp, a broken cheekbone, two cracked ribs, and a bruised vertebra. Several other areas of my body host multiple bruises, but at least there’s nothing broken there. I’m only allowed to take Tylenol, but I’m happy to have it. I’m thrilled to be alive. If Eunice had had her way, I’d be in the ground right now.
“Hey,” Ozzie says, advancing into the room.
“Hey.”
He sits in a chair next to the couch and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands in front of him.
“Do you want something to drink?”
He shakes his head. “No, I’m fine. I’m not going to stay long. I know you need your rest.”
I lean back on the couch. “Stay as long as you like. Lucky is busy waiting on me hand and foot, so I don’t really have to move anywhere. I’ve been sleeping half the day.”
Ozzie nods. “He’s a good guy.”
My voice softens just thinking about him. “I know.”
“Do you?”
Ozzie doesn’t have to say anything else. I know what he’s asking.
“I do. I know he’s good for me, and I’m done looking for trouble.” I rub my ribs. “I’m too old for this shit.”
His smile is sad. “I wish I could believe that.”
I lean forward, desperate for him to understand, ignoring the pain in my side. “I mean it, Oz.” I put my hand on his and squeeze. “Trust me. I’ve had a lot of time to think about it, and I’ve got a lot of bruises to remind me of my bad decision-making skills. And I’ve got Lucky now. We’ve been talking a lot. We’re going to help each other. Support each other. Commit to our family and each other.”
“What does that mean, exactly?”
I shrug, feeling a little silly
talking about this with Ozzie, but glad to be saying it out loud to him at the same time. “We haven’t exactly defined it. I mean, he proposed, but he was being an ass at the time, so I told him to forget it.”
Ozzie gives me a half smile. “Did you call for a do-over?”
I grin back, memories of our younger days flashing through my mind. “Yeah. We both called a do-over. He says he’s going to surprise me, and I’m cool with that.”
Ozzie nods, looking more hopeful. “That’s good. You guys need one another. I don’t want either one of you to screw this up.”
I shake my head. “We won’t. Because it’s not just us now: we have the babies to think about. I think it helps both of us to have something beyond ourselves to worry over.”
He nods. “I get it.”
I give him a weak smile. “How’s everything going with May?”
He doesn’t look very happy. “Okay, I guess. She’s a little pissed at you.”
I cringe. “I know. She has every right to be. Now she’s only got one bridesmaid.”
His eyebrows go up. “Oh, no. She has two bridesmaids. She expects you to be there.”
I point at my face. “Have you seen this?”
He shrugs. “Better buy some makeup. I’m serious. If you don’t show, she’s going to be off-the-charts unhappy.”
I nod, accepting my fate. “Fine. I’ll be there.”
He sighs heavily and leans back in his seat, resting his elbows on the arms of the chair. “I’m sorry. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she’s just kind of out of her head right now. She has bridezilla-itis really bad.”
I find myself giggling as I imagine her making everyone crazy. Apparently, there is one side-benefit to getting one’s ass kicked by a double-chinned granny. “She’s pregnant. Go easy on her.”
“I know, but it’s not just that. She really cares about you. She was so worried that you were going to die. She wouldn’t believe anybody when they said you’re going to be fine. I had to give her a sedative.”
I laugh, but there’s not a whole lot of mirth to it. “I’m so sorry. I can only imagine what you’ve been going through.”
He dips his head back and stares at the ceiling as he scrubs his scalp. “I love that girl so much.”
“I know you do. You guys are meant for each other. I promise I won’t screw this up. I’ll be at the wedding.”
Ozzie tilts his head up to look at me. “I’m sorry I was hard on you the other day at work. You didn’t deserve that. I was just worried about you. You caught me on a bad day. This case has been driving the chief nuts, and shit rolls downhill right into my lap.”
“I get it. Really. Don’t apologize. It’s weird.”
He smiles, and this time it’s genuine. “See you on Thursday?” The wedding was delayed for a day in deference to my cracked ribs. I would have preferred longer, but something with the florist made that impossible.
He nods. “See you Thursday.” He stands and looks toward the kitchen before turning back to me, his right hand splayed on his chest. “Can I get you anything before I go?”
I point at the doorway as Lucky comes in carrying a tray. “Nope. I think I’m all set.”
“Hot tea, homemade cookies, toast, and jam from the farmers’ market,” Lucky says, walking carefully so he doesn’t dump the items on the silver tray.
I smile at my guy. He winks at me and places the food and drinks on the table.
“You want to stay for some tea, man?” Lucky asks Ozzie.
Ozzie answers from the front doorway. “A tea party? No, thanks. I don’t want to have to hand in my man-card.”
I grab Lucky’s hand and pull him down onto the couch with me, trying to cover up the wince of pain that follows. “Don’t listen to him. You’re so manly you have two man-cards in your wallet.”
“You know it, babe. Got your twin-making super-sperm right here.” He leans in and kisses my lips and then my belly, and I let myself drown in the happiness. The front door opens and shuts as Ozzie lets himself out.
CHAPTER FORTY
May’s big day is here. I’ve applied half a bottle of foundation to my face, and I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. The swelling by my cheek is still bad, but the weird blue and green marks around my left eye are almost completely hidden. My hair covers the stitches in my scalp.
Unfortunately, the dress I’m supposed to wear is mostly sleeveless, but I find a black sweater in the back of my closet that’s lightweight enough to manage the hot weather. I slide it on, covering the bruises on my arms. Dark hose do a pretty decent job of masking the marks on my legs. When I stand in front of the full-length mirror, I smile. I look almost normal.
Lucky walks up behind me, cinching his tie.
“Damn.” I stare at his reflection. “Could you be any more gorgeous?”
“You like?” He smiles, holding his arms out. His beard has been brushed and shaped into a point under his chin.
I ignore the beard part. “Definitely. When my ribs are better, we’re totally having sex.”
He leans closer, talking earnestly. “We could do it right now. I’d be very gentle.”
I push him away with a finger and laugh. “Go away. I have cracked ribs.” It’s still hard to take a deep breath, but I have them wrapped so tightly in bandages, it gives them the support they need. The bandages and my Tylenol are going to carry me through the night.
Now I just have to survive the tongue-lashing I’m sure to get from May and Jenny, and I’ll be golden. I don’t expect Eunice to show up at my door looking for another helping of my ass, so I’m good there. She got in some decent licks, but she only did it because I came to her being a dumbass, serving myself up on a silver platter. I definitely won’t be doing that ever again.
I still haven’t seen Jenny or May. Every time they’ve come over I’ve been asleep, and Lucky is a tough caregiver. He won’t let anybody disturb my sleep. Whenever they tried to argue, he brought out the big guns, otherwise known as Milli and Vanilli. He’s not too proud to use our children as weapons, but I’m thankful for it. I’ve been sleeping about eighteen hours a day, and I’m pretty sure my body has needed it.
Jenny’s backyard is in full bloom. It looks like an entire truckload of extra flowers has been brought in. There’s an arbor set up in a far corner and chairs are lined up in front of it with an aisle down the middle. The seats are already filled with people and classical music is playing from a speaker, adding a nice ambience to the whole place. I’m standing in the dining area inside the house looking out through the window when I feel a tap on my shoulder.
“Hey,” Jenny says when I turn around. She holds her arms out and takes me in a gentle hug. “How are you feeling?”
I shrug when she releases me from the embrace. “As good as you might expect. Happy to be here.”
Jenny tilts her head. “Are you?”
I nod. “I definitely am.” I’m not blowing smoke up her skirt, either. After my brush with Eunice and her baton, I realized how lucky I am to have these people in my life. So I got stuck with a couple of chicks who like to talk and goof around a lot? It sure beats having a woman beat you to death with a nightstick. To be fair, I didn’t mind the shopping that much either, and May is one half of the cube-crew team.
Jenny grins. “Good. May was worried that she was forcing you into this.”
I laugh. “Well, she kind of was, but I got over it.” I hold out my arm so she can see my sweater. “Sorry I had to wear this, but my bruises are really ugly.”
Jenny reaches over to the back of a nearby chair and pulls a black wrap off it. “Not to worry. I brought something too. I knew you’d have to cover up.”
She wraps it around her arms and winks, checking behind her before turning back to me. “Do you want to go upstairs and see May now?”
“I would like to, but stairs are really hard for me. Every one of them jiggles my ribs.”
“Oh, that’s right. I forgot. Let me go get her.” She rushes off, her h
igh heels clicking on the kitchen floor and then down the hallway.
I stand at the window for another five minutes, growing more nervous by the second. Maybe May doesn’t want to come down to see me. Maybe she’s still angry. I wouldn’t blame her. I pretty much managed to ruin the most special day of her life single-handedly. The old Toni may not have cared, but the Toni I am now does very much.
May’s voice comes from behind me, interrupting my pity party. I turn around to greet her. It’s silly, but my eyes well up with tears seeing her in her pretty white dress.
I can’t believe I gave her and Ozzie such a hard time before. They really are perfect for each other. Her silliness is such a great contrast to his serious attitude. She helps him relax, bringing humor and levity into his life. Just like Lucky is doing for me.
“I’m really sorry that I screwed everything up,” I say. “I’m an asshole for doing that.”
May doesn’t say anything. She stops a few feet away and folds her hands in front of her.
“You look really beautiful.” I gesture at the dress. “It’s perfect. Really perfect. Like one of those magazines you’re always reading.”
May looks down at herself and then gives me a serene smile. “Thank you.”
I breathe out a sigh of annoyance. I’m not mad at her; I’m mad at myself. “Seriously. I’m so sorry. This day should be all about smiles and happiness, but instead, you’ve had to worry about your bridesmaid getting busted up and ruining the whole thing. If you want me to go, I’ll go. You won’t hurt my feelings at all.”
May looks at the ground for a long time and I’m almost moving to leave, but then she looks up at me, her eyes bright with unshed tears. “I don’t want you to go. But I do want you to understand that I care about you, and I really don’t want you doing anything else that’s going to put you or your babies at risk. It’s very stressful for me, and it’s very stressful for Ozzie. And I don’t like it when Ozzie gets stressed out.”
“I understand. I don’t like it when he gets stressed out either. And I don’t like it when you’re not smiling at me. It makes me actually pretty sick to my stomach if you want to know the truth.”