“Why don’t you get changed?” Priest suggested. “Then come back out here when you’re ready. Okay?”
As Priest straightened, Robbie got to his feet and wandered off toward the bedroom. Julien stood also, and was about to head in after Robbie when Priest took his arm, stopping him. “I don’t like this idea.”
“Well, there isn’t a better one right now. I’ll be fine.”
Priest wanted to call bullshit; there was no way Julien was fine right now, and going to a hospital and sitting in it all day would not help that. Not one little bit. Pissed off that he couldn’t call and cancel his schedule today, Priest cursed.
“Don’t worry, we’ll be fine,” Julien said, and Priest was really starting to hate that fucking word. “I’ll text you when we get there.”
As Julien headed into the bedroom, Priest had an overwhelming desire to say, To hell with what needs to be done today. Nothing was more important than protecting the two men currently getting dressed in his bedroom—and wasn’t that an eye-opening moment? This protective feeling he was experiencing, this want to be there for another, now extended to a second person. And it was that urge, that drive, that Julien was also experiencing, where he was willing to face his deepest fears for Robbie, that let Priest know that this, what they were doing here, was exactly what they needed. Exactly what they wanted. And he was going to do everything in his power to make it so.
Chapter Twenty
CONFESSION
Guilt.
It will eat you from the inside out if you let it.
HOW COULD I have let this happen? Those words had been playing on a loop in Robbie’s head ever since he’d gotten off the phone with Vanessa. Along with Why wasn’t I there? And What might’ve happened if no one had knocked on her door?
God, he couldn’t seem to breathe as he sat in the passenger seat of the black Range Rover and tugged at the collar of his sweater. Damn thing, why’d he have to wear it last night? It was itchy and tight, and right now it felt as though it were going to suffocate him. But then he had a flash of Priest when he’d seen him for the first time picking him up, and later in the bathroom when Robbie had knelt on it, and he knew exactly why he’d worn it. This sweater was sexy, and last night he’d been all about getting his sexy on, hadn’t he?
He was so going to hell for this. Why hadn’t he gone home to sleep in his bed last night instead of spending the night getting sexed up by two gorgeous men? If he’d just had dinner and, well, all the other stuff, and then gone home, none of this would’ve happened. He would’ve been there. He could’ve helped her.
Shit, what would’ve happened if no one had found her…
“Princesse?” Julien’s voice interrupted Robbie’s self-loathing long enough for Robbie to glance over, and where he once would’ve been so excited to be sitting in the same car as Julien Thornton after an amazing night in his bed, all he felt now was a gut-twisting sense of guilt. “You haven’t said much. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Robbie said, but then he shook his head. “No, that’s a lie, and you two love the truth. I’m not okay. I feel like I want to be sick.”
Julien’s eyes widened a little. “Do you need me to pull over?”
Robbie put a hand over his stomach, but as the tightening in there eased, he said, “No. I think I’m okay for now.” And almost added, but I’m pretty sure my guilt might eat me alive.
“Okay. We’re nearly there. GPS says only five more minutes.”
Robbie nodded, and hated that he was probably coming off totally ungrateful, but right now, he couldn’t think about that. All he wanted was to get to University Hospital and see for himself that his nonna was okay.
After Julien pulled the SUV into the parking garage and found a spot, they got out and headed inside. They travelled up the elevator in silence, Robbie all caught up in his self-loathing, and Julien? Robbie had no idea; Julien was too consumed with his own thoughts.
Once they got to the floor and the doors opened, Robbie rushed out, searching for his cousin. He spotted her, pacing back and forth in the waiting room, and raced over to her. When he reached her side, Robbie took her hands in his and pulled her into a hug.
“Oh God, Vanessa. I’m so sorry.” When she wrapped her arms around him, Robbie hugged her in close and whispered, “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”
JULIEN STOOD QUIETLY off to the side in the waiting room and watched Robbie embrace a woman in jeans, boots, and a puffy coat. Her hair was pulled up into a ponytail and she had a concerned expression. Julien knew before Robbie said her name that this must be Vanessa, the young woman Priest had first been assigned to when he’d come out there to Chicago months ago.
That case had been a particularly difficult one, from what he recalled. The odds had been stacked heavily against Vanessa, and it seemed she would do time for her brother’s drug possession, until Priest had stepped in, pulled off the miracle of all miracles, and gotten all charges dropped. Priest had saved this young lady’s life. But then, Priest had a habit of swooping in at just the right time and saving someone’s life—Julien’s was no exception.
He put a hand to the wall to steady his shaking legs and watched as Robbie spoke with his cousin, and when she pointed down the hall, Robbie nodded and looked back to where Julien was propped up, hoping to appear calm when he suddenly felt anything but.
“You do what you need to do,” Julien said, and then gestured to the seats. “I’m going to be right over there. Okay?”
Robbie frowned and looked as though he was going to say something, but then, at the last second, he changed his mind and nodded. He then took Vanessa’s hand and they walked off down the hall, and Julien took in several deep breaths and headed over to the seats by a wall of windows.
As he sat, he rested his arms on his legs and then lowered his head to his hands, shut his eyes, and told himself to breathe.
You’re okay, Julien told himself, and began the breathing technique he’d learned in meditation. Robbie’s okay. You aren’t here for anything other than support. Everything’s okay.
He pulled out his phone and shot off a quick text to Priest to let him know they were there, and immediately got one back.
Priest: Are you okay?
Julien: Oui. He’s just gone down to see her now.
Priest: That’s good, but I asked if YOU were okay.
Julien: I’m okay. I’m sitting in a chair and doing my breathing.
Priest: Good. That’s good. How does Robert seem?
Julien thought about the close-to-silent ride over, and the way Robbie wouldn’t look at him in the elevator on the way up, and then that final look he’d given him just minutes ago. Guilty.
Priest: Because he was with us.
Julien: That would be my guess. And he knew that feeling intimately. Guilt. It was an emotion that ate you from the inside out. But Robbie had no reason to feel responsible for what had happened here. He’d done nothing wrong.
Priest: I’m sorry. I have to head back into court.
Julien: It’s okay. I’m fine, and he is safe. I’m going to stay here, though, to keep an eye on him.
Priest: Scrub the word FINE from your vocabulary, Julien. I’ll text you as soon as I can and bring food by if you’re still there.
Julien touched those words and imagined Priest rushing back into the courtroom, his face a mask of seriousness but his heart, as always, in the right place.
Julien: I love you.
Priest: I love you too. If you need anything, anything, Julien, you text me.
Julien: Will do. Talk later.
Priest: Later.
Julien leaned back in his seat, and as he shut his eyes, he thought of the man he’d married, the man who was always steady, always in control. That was his Priest. Solid as a rock so those who needed to could crumble around him. He’d done so spectacularly time and time again, and Julien had to wonder just how hard Robbie was going to fall by the end of the day. But one thing Julien did know was that he would have
people there, ready to catch him.
ROBBIE STOOD IN the doorway to the hospital room and stared at the bed where his nonna lay. She looked so small there under the blue blanket and white sheets, and with her eyes shut, he was careful not to make any noise.
“You can go in,” a lady said from behind him, and Robbie turned to see a woman in a pantsuit and lab coat standing by Vanessa. “We have to wake her up to do some blood work anyway. Are you family?”
“Uh, yes. We live with her. She’s our nonna. I’m Robbie and this is Vanessa.”
“Oh,” the lady said with a smile. “Yes, she said you would be by. I’m Dr. Ellis. Go on in; I’m sure she’d be pleased to see you.”
Robbie swallowed and then looked back to Nonna’s closed eyes, and decided before he went into the room that he should ask the doctor questions.
“I’m sorry, we just heard the news and rushed over here. Vanessa was at a job interview, and I was—” Yeah, go on, tell her where you were, Bianchi. “I was…out when it happened. But could you tell us exactly what’s wrong with her? I’m going to need to call my mom, her daughter, and explain.”
“Yes, of course. From what we understand, she had a fall in the kitchen early this morning. She landed on her hip and broke it in two spots. She’s very lucky her neighbor had a key and found her when she did.”
Robbie put a hand over his mouth and shut his eyes. God, how could this be happening? What if she’d died? His ma was going to kill him.
“This isn’t uncommon amongst the elderly. Especially when they live independently—”
“But she doesn’t live independently—we live with her,” Robbie said.
“Yes, but you aren’t her caregivers, so there isn’t someone with her twenty-four seven. That’s when accidents such as these occur with patients who have ET like she does.”
“ET?” Robbie said.
“Yes, essential tremor. That’s something I’m going to let you all further discuss when she wakes. But for now, why don’t you go in and see her?”
Robbie felt ill. Essential tremor? That didn’t sound good. How had he not known she’d been sick all this time? Yes, he’d seen her hands shake, but she’d played it off as her getting older, not something more severe.
Vanessa entered the room first and took the seat by Nonna’s head, while Robbie stood at the end, using the rail of the bed to hang on to in case his legs decided that standing no longer seemed like a good idea.
She looked so frail lying there, which was ironic, really, because that woman was tough as nails. Hell, he remembered her back when she’d been in Logan’s office demanding answers and justice for Vanessa, and when she’d told Nathan to get the hell off her porch and never come back.
Not once could he have imagined her looking so small. But she did, Robbie realized. For the first time, she looked every one of her seventy-five years, and he was scared what that meant the next step was going to be.
Dr. Ellis touched her shoulder, giving her a gentle nudge. “Cheryl? Cheryl, you have some visitors.”
As Nonna’s eyes fluttered open, Robbie’s eyes blurred all over again. God, she looked so tired. So worn out. But then she spotted his welling eyes and her eyes narrowed on him.
“Oh, you stop that right now, young man,” she said, shaking a finger at him.
Robbie sniffed and swiped away a tear from his cheek. “Don’t you dare try and tell me what to do, vecchietta. You’re the one lying in a hospital bed. Not me.”
“Oh hush. I had a little fall, that’s all.”
“Nonna, a broken hip is not a little fall,” Vanessa said as she reached for their grandmother’s hand.
“I have to agree with that,” Dr. Ellis said, as she looked over the notes on her tablet and then turned her attention back to Nonna. “We need to get some blood drawn from you in a little bit here, and then we’re going to send you up for an MRI to make sure we haven’t missed anything from the X-rays and CT scans. Once that’s complete, we’re going to need to discuss what is going to happen in the future. But let’s get through the day first and get you stabilized and out of pain. Does that sound like a plan?”
When Nonna nodded, the doctor smiled. “In that case, I’ll leave you to it. But just to let you know, the nurses will be in soon.”
“Okay,” Nonna said. “Thank you, doctor. I appreciate it, and I’m sorry to be such a hassle.”
“You’re no hassle. I’m glad we got you in here as quickly as we did.”
After the doctor left, Robbie walked to the opposite side of the hospital bed to his cousin, and slowly took a seat as to not jostle Nonna or aggravate his own self-inflicted tender areas. Once he was seated, he placed his hand over hers and sighed.
Shit, he’d never felt more ashamed of himself.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and when she turned her hand over and squeezed his, Robbie lowered his eyes to their joined hands. “I’m sorry, Nonna. I should’ve been there. You shouldn’t have been alone. I could’ve—”
“Robert Antonio Bianchi, you stop that right now.” Nonna’s voice was firm and as strong as her fingers. “Look at me,” she said, and when Robbie raised his eyes, she said, “Do not start blaming yourself for this. Do you hear me?”
“Yes, but—”
“No. I don’t want to hear your excuses. Stop blaming yourself.” Nonna looked over at Vanessa. “Do you blame Vanessa? Are you angry at her?”
“No,” Robbie said, looking at his cousin. “But she was at a job—”
“And you were on a date,” Nonna finished for him.
“I—”
“Don’t try and deny it. I saw you get picked up last night,” she said with a tired smile. “And we’re all looking at your swollen lip this morning. I certainly hope it’s not from a fistfight.”
Robbie brought his hand up to quickly cover his mouth. Shit. He’d totally forgotten about that.
“You’re both young adults living your life,” Nonna said, and reached for Vanessa’s hand. “That’s the way it should be. You shouldn’t be staying at home in the evenings to look after an old lady like me.”
“Nonna,” they both said at the same time, but she shook her head.
“No. This is my fault.”
“It isn’t,” Robbie said, and leaned forward to kiss her cheek.
“It is, and some things are going to have to change, bello mio.” She let out a deep sigh as the nurse walked in, and then said to Robbie, “Can you call your mother for me? Try not to let her panic, but I am going to need her to come down for a little bit. There are things we all need to discuss.”
Robbie nodded, figuring as much, and then stood to get out of the nurse’s way as they wheeled Nonna out of the room. Robbie then wrapped an arm around Vanessa’s shoulder and hugged her close. It was time to pull up a seat and wait. It was going to be a long day with nothing but silence and his own guilt to keep him company.
Chapter Twenty-One
CONFESSION
You should never judge a book by its cover.
Sometimes what’s inside is more beautiful, and more tragic, than you ever thought possible.
BY THE TIME four o’clock rolled around, Priest had received a text from Julien letting him know that they were still at the hospital. That was a long day, but he’d expected that. Trips to the hospital were never quick, and as Priest pulled into the parking garage at University, he grabbed the bag of takeout he’d picked up and headed inside.
From what he understood, Robbie had come out to the waiting room with Julien when Nonna had been taken to get more tests, and according to Julien, Robbie hadn’t said more than two words.
The guilt Robbie was experiencing from not being there this morning had been obvious from the moment he’d answered the phone. Julien had also made mention that the second the doctor had told Robbie he could go back and see his nonna, he had been quick to let Julien know he could leave if he had to go to the restaurant.
But that wasn’t going to happen. There was no way in hell J
ulien would leave Robbie alone at the hospital, even if all he could do was sit in the waiting room. Julien had been in a situation far too similar, where he’d sat by himself for hours, waiting. It was not a healthy place for anyone to be, and one Julien had trouble staying out of to this day.
Priest jabbed the elevator button, and as he travelled up, he wondered what headspace he would find the two men he’d left this morning. He hated that he’d had to go to court and leave them. But he’d also known there wasn’t much he could do, so it had likely been the best option for all, rather than Robbie having to try and explain the both of them to people.
As the elevator doors opened, Priest strode out, scanning the people sitting and standing around the nurses’ station, and then, off to the left, he spotted the waiting room. He headed over and found Julien slumped down in an uncomfortable-looking chair by the wall of windows. His hands were shoved in his pockets and his eyes were closed, his color pale.
All in all, he looked terrible.
Robbie was nowhere in sight, and when Priest sat down in the seat beside Julien, he pressed a kiss to his cool cheek and whispered, “Bonsoir, Julien.”
Julien’s eyes struggled to open, and as they focused on his face, Priest gave a crooked smile.
“How are you?” Priest said as Julien sat up in his seat and arched his back. When it cracked and he grimaced, Priest sighed. “That answers that question.”
Julien put a hand on Priest’s arm where it rested on the chair. “I’m okay. Happy to see you, mon amour.”
“I wish I could’ve come sooner. You don’t look so good.”
“Non,” Julien said, and shook his head. “There was really no need, and you had work. You can’t afford to leave, not with Logan being gone.”
Priest nodded and then looked around the room. “How is he?”
Julien shrugged. “Honestly, I don’t know. I’ve barely seen him, and when I do, he’s very…quiet.”