E-text prepared by Al Haines
YOU CAN SEARCH ME
BY HUGH McHUGH
AUTHOR OF
"JOHN HENRY," "DOWN THE LINE WITH JOHN HENRY,""IT'S UP TO YOU," "BACK TO THE WOODS,""OUT FOR THE COIN," "I NEED THE MONEY,""I'M FROM MISSOURI," ETC.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY GORDON H. GRANT
1905
CONTENTS
JOHN HENRY GETS A PARTNER
JOHN HENRY GETS A SUFFICIENCY
JOHN HENRY GETS BUSY
JOHN HENRY GETS A SHOCK
JOHN HENRY GETS EXCITED
JOHN HENRY GETS A SETBACK
JOHN HENRY GETS A SURPRISE
ILLUSTRATIONS
"BRING US A PLAIN OMELETTE AND ONE DISH OF PRUNES."
TWO AND A HALF POUNDS OF IRON LANDED ON MY INSTEP
"YOU BETCHER SWEET"
THE ANSWER WAS A CREAM-COLORED HORSE WHICH LOOKED AT ME SADLY
A PRETTY HOT LINE OF GOODS, EH?
I WAS SO SURPRISED I DROPPED THE EGG
CHAPTER I.
JOHN HENRY GETS A PARTNER.
"Seven weeks and then the wedding bells will get busy for you, eh,Bunch?" I chuckled.
"Surest thing you know," my old pal Jefferson replied, somewhatdolefully.
"I must dig up a few old shoes and have a plate of cold ricepudding on the doorstep," I went on. "It's going to afford me abunch of keen delight to soak you in the midriff with a rustypatent leather and then push a few rice fritters in under your coatcollar, believe me!"
Bunch tried to pull a smile, but his face didn't feel like working,and the finish was a mournful sigh.
"John," he said, after the waiter had crowded the sizz-water intothe wood alcohol, "I'm a plain case of shrimp!"
"Oh, sush!" I said; "you'll get over that, Bunch. Isn't it a hithow we young fellows begin to warm wise to ourselves the moment weget a flash of the orange blossoms. We think of the beautifullittle lady we are leading to the altar and then we think of themany beautiful souses we have led by the hand, and we begin to askourselves if we are worthy. Before we can get the right answer thepreacher has dropped the flag, the ceremonies are over, and afterthat the struggle to supply three squares a day puts the boots toevery other worry; am I right, Gonsalvo?"
"I s'pose so, John," Bunch replied, "but it isn't a case of rattleswith me. I'm shy with the mazume, and it looks now as if thatlittle trip to the minister's will have to be postponedindefinitely."
"Skidoo, skidoo, and quit me, Mr. Josheimer!" I suggested.
"I mean it, John," Bunch came back. "I can't lead a girl likeAlice Grey into the roped arena of matrimony when I haven't theprice of an omelette for the wedding breakfast, now can I?"
"Great Scott, Bunch, have you been Chadwicked for your roll ?" Iasked. "Are you the man from Ohio that was so polite he gave hisbank to the lady? If you are, it serves you right."
"No, John," Bunch answered mournfully, "but I had to go toWashington on a business trip, and while there----"
"Wait, Bunch," I chipped in; "I've got you sized. While inWashington you met a couple of wise voices who talked nothing butsure-things, so you for the Bennings race track to spill your coin,eh, Beau?"
"Well, John, I'll tell you how it was," Bunch tried to squarehimself. "My roll was just five thousand strong, and I began towish for about two thousand more, so that I could take the littlewife over the wild waves and point out Paris and the Riviera toher. In Washington I met a quick talker named Ike Gibson and heplayed me for a good, steady listener. Ike showered me withcinches and in short order I was down with Bennings fever. Andthen----"
"I know the answer, Bunch," I sighed, "You followed Ike's clues andfinished fainting. I'm wise. But, say! Bunch, didn't you pipe mewith the neck bruises often enough in the old days to profit by myexperience? Didn't I go up against that horse game so hard that Ishook the whole community, and aren't you on to the fact that theonly sure thing about a race track is a seat on a trolley car goingin the opposite direction?"
"I know, John," Bunch replied, "but this looked awfully good to me,and I went after it."
"Did they sting you for the whole bundle?" I asked.
"Not quite," Bunch answered sadly; "but they certainly put a crimpin my wallet. I'm only $1,500 strong now, and that's not enough totip the porter on the honeymoon journey. You know, John, I'm onlydrawing $100 a week from the brokerage business, and I'll getnervous if I can't make up a purse quicker than that. I'll simplyhave to go to Alice and Uncle William Grey and get a set-back,and--say, John! I'm a polish, for fair! Alice is making all herpreparations, and has her mind fastened to the date, and all thatsort of thing, and like a chump I go up against that----"
"Oh, get back from the funeral, get back, Bunch!" I advised. "Howoften have I told you not to cut a beef about the has-happened?You went to Bennings, got dizzy, did a couple of Arabs and lose theprice of a wedding trip--that's all. Now we must get that moneyback before the minister steps up to start the fight."
"How can I win out $3,500 in seven weeks, I'd like to know!" Bunchmoaned.
"A cincherine," I came back. "I've got a scheme cooking that willput you and me all to the splendid in short order."
"Yes, but these schemes of yours sometimes get nervousprostration," Bunch began to fret.
"Sush, now!" I said; "this is the real goods. It can't go wrong.It's just like getting money from Carnegie. I've discovered agenius."
"A genius!" Bunch repeated; "what kind of a genius?"
"His name is Signor Beppo Petroskinski, an Illusionist," Ianswered. "And he's aces."
"What does he do?" asked Bunch; "spar eight rounds with the pianoor sell Persian rugs?"
"Nix on the hurry talk, Bunch," I said. "Petroskinski is adiscovery of mine, and he's all to the mustard. He's anIllusionist, and he can pull off some of the best tricks I everblinked at. Say, he has Hermann and Keller and all those guysbacked up in a corner yelling for help. Skinski is our mint, andwe're going to take him out over the one-night stands and drag afortune away from Mr. and Mrs. Reub."
"You mean you're going to finance a tour for this unknown magicianand expect to win out? Say, John, don't let my troubles affectyour brain; I'll be good and stop crying!"
"I mean, Bunch, that Skinski is the wonder of the age, and all wehave to do is to show him to the public and they'll be handing ustheir jewelry. You know, Bunch, I'm a few chips shy myself onaccount of a side play which my wife knows nothing about. Ipromised her to make a first payment of $5,000 on that new homewe're going to buy on the first of the year, and I fell down andbroke my promise. I thought I could drag the homestead money awayfrom the Street, so I took a few slices of Amalgamated Copper andburned my thumb. Old Colonel Frenzied Finance didn't do a thing tome. When I yelled for help my pocketbook looked like a lastseason's autumn leaf in the family Bible. Peaches isn't wise thatI've lost my roll, so it's up to me to make good before she screamsfor a receiver."
"But this Skinski proposition," Bunch groaned; "isn't that taking along chance? Clara J. was always bitterly opposed to you havinganything to do with a theatrical venture--what will she say?"
"Peaches needn't be in on this at all," I said. "We'll simply putup a thousand each for the expense money, start Petroskinski, andafter the opening night began to gather in the mazooboes. When weget all the money we need, we'll sell our interest and bow out.It's a pipe, Bunch. I tell you, this Skinski has them all faded toa whisper. He has a bunch of new illusions that will simply makethe jay audiences sit up and throw money at us. And as forsleight-of-hand and card tricks, well, say! Skinski can throw anew pack of cards up in the air and bite his initials on the queenof diamonds before it hits the floor. He's a marvel."
"Where did you find him?" Bunch inquired
.
"At a club smoker," I answered. "He was the hit of the evening.He pulled a few snake tricks down there and in five minutes he hadall the members of the Highball Association climbing the waterwagon. That was the same evening I took Clara J. to the St. Registo dinner. Did I ever tell you about it, Bunch? Well, say, it mayhelp you to forget your troubles. It's a swell joint, all right,O.K., is the St. Regis, but hereafter me for the beanery thing withthe high stool and the low prices.
"In the St. Regis the faces of the clerks and the clocks gave tokenthat much money changed hands while it was building.
"In the lobby the furniture was covered with men about town, whosat around with a checkbook in each hand and made faces at the cashregisters.
"There are more bellboys than bedrooms in the hotel. They use themfor change. Every time you give the cashier $15 he hands you back$1.50 and six bellboys.
"We took a peep at the diamond-backed dining-room and when I sawthe waiters refusing everything but certified checks in the way ofa tip, I said to Peaches, 'This is no place for us!' But shewouldn't let go, and we filed in to the appetite killery.
"A very polite lieutenant-waiter, with a sergeant-waiter and twocorporal-waiters, greeted us and we gave the countersign, 'Abandonwealth, all ye who enter here.'
"Then the lieutenant-waiter and his army corps deployed by columnsof four and escorted us to the most expensive looking trough I eversaw in a dining-room.
"'Peaches,' I said to my wife, 'I'm doing this to please you, butafter I pay the check, it's me to file a petition in bankruptcy.'
"But she only grinned, picked up the point-lace napkin and began toadmire the onyx furniture.
"'_Que souhaitez vous_?' said the waiter, bowing so low that Icould feel a chill running through my little bank account.
"'I guess he means you,' I whispered to Peaches, but she lookedvery solemnly at the menu card and began to bite her lips.
"'_Je suis tout a votre service_,' the waiter cross-counteredbefore I could recover, and he had me gasping. It never struck methat I had to take a course in French before entering the St. Regishunger foundry, and there I sat making funny faces at thetablecloth, while my wife blushed crimson and the waiter kept onbowing like an animated jack-knife.
"'Say, Mike!' I ventured after a bit; 'tip us off to a quiet bunchof eating that will fit a couple of appetites just out seeing thesights. Nothing that will put a kink in a year's income, you know,Beau; just suggest some little thing that looks better than ittastes, but is not too expensive to keep down.'
"'_Oui, oui_!' His Marseillaise came back at me, '_un dinerconfortable doit se composer de potage, de volaille bouillie ourotie, chaude ou froide, de gibier, de plats rares et distingues,de poissons, de sucreries, de patisseries et de fruits_!'
"I looked at my wife, she looked at me, then we both looked out thewindow and wished we had never been born.
"'Say, Garsong,' I said, after we came to, 'my wife is a daughterof the American Revolution and she's so patriotic she eats only inUnited States, so cut out the Moulin Rouge lyrics and let's getdown to cases. How much will it set me back if I order a plainsteak--just enough to flirt with two very polite appetites?'
"'Nine dollars and seventy cents,' said Joan of Arc's brother Bill;'the seventy cents is for the steak and the nine dollars will helpsome to pay for the Looey the Fifteenth furniture in the bridalchamber.'
"'Save the money, John,' whispered Peaches; 'and we'll buy a cowwith it.'
"'How about a sliver of roast beef with some slapped potatoes,' Isaid to the waiter. 'Is it a bull market for an order like that?'
"'Three dollars and forty-two cents,' answered Henri of Navarre;'forty-two cents for the order and three dollars to help pay forthe French velvet curtains in the golden suite on the second floor.'
"'Keep on guessing, John; you'll wear him out,' Peaches whispered.
"'Possibly a little cold lamb with a suggestion of potato salad onthe side might satisfy us,' I said; 'make me an estimate.'
"'Four dollars and eighteen cents,' replied Patsey Boulanger;'eighteen cents for the lamb and salad and the four dollars for theLooey the Fifteenth graperies in the drawing-room.'
"'Ask him if there's a bargain counter anywhere in thedining-room,' whispered Peaches.
"'My dear,' I said to Clara J., 'we have already displaced aboutsixty dollars' worth of space in this dyspepsia emporium, and wemust, therefore, behave like gentlemen and order something, nomatter what the cost. What are the savings of a life-time comparedwith our honor!'
"The waiter bowed so low that his shoulder blades cracked like awhip.
"'Bring us,' I said, 'a plain omelet and one dish of prunes.'
"Bring us a plain omelet and one dish of prunes."]
"I waited till Peter Girofla translated this into French and then Iadded, 'And on the side, please, two glasses of water and threetoothpicks. Have the prunes fricasseed, wash the water on bothcorners, and bring the toothpicks rare.'
"The waiter rushed away and all around us we could hear moneytalking to itself.
"Fair women sat at the tables picking dishes out of the bill offare which brought the blush of sorrow to the faces of theirescorts. It was a wonderful sight, especially for those who have anervous chill every time the gas bill comes in.
"When we ate our modest little dinner the waiter presented a checkwhich called for three dollars and thirty-three cents.
"'The thirty-three cents is for what you ordered,' Alexander J.Dumas explained, 'and the three dollars is for the French hangingsin the parlor.'
"'Holy Smoke!' I cried; 'that fellow Looey the Fifteenth has beendoing a lot of work around here hasn't he?' but the waiter was sobusy watching the finish of the change he handed me that he didn'tcrack a smile.
"Then I got reckless and handed him a fifty-cent tip.
"The waiter looked at the fifty cents and turned pale.
"Then he looked at me and turned paler.
"Then he tried to thank me, but he caught another flash of thatplebeian fifty and it choked him.
"Then he took a long look at the half-dollar and with a low moan hepassed away.
"In the excitement I grabbed Peaches and we flew for home.
"Say! Bunch! the only time I'll ever go in the St. Regis againwill be just after a hearty dinner."
"I guess you're right, John, but what about this scheme to win outmy wedding money?" Bunch queried. "I'm dreadfully nervous aboutit."
"I know. Bunch, I know just how you feel. I'm quite a bit to theSt. Vitus myself, because if Clara J. ever gets wise that I've beenspeculating again after faithfully promising her to cut out all theguessing contests, she's liable to say something unkind. I simplymust get that money back, Bunch, before she knows I lost it, andSignor Petroskinski is the name of our paying teller. I tell you,Bunch, we can't lose if we handle this cinch right, and I've got itall framed up. It's good for a thousand plunks apiece every week,so cut out the yesterday gag and think of a fat to-morrow."
"I'd like to see this Petroskinski," said Bunch.
"I'll have him take luncheon with us to-morrow at the HotelAstor--twelve thirty. Are you for me to the finish, Bunch?"
"If you think it's all right I'll trail," said Bunch, and we shookhands.
"But not a word to the home folks," I cautioned him.