She had kept quiet for several months about what her elementary school principal was doing to her in the janitor’s closet between classes. The sexual abuse was bad enough but the fear he instilled in her was much worse. He threatened her to never say a word and she was six years old so she believed him. It took awhile but she finally summoned the courage to tell her parents what had happened.
That is when everything fell apart.
Her father called her a liar and her mother was more concerned with how it would make her look. Nobody cared about her or how she was doing. Her parents fought constantly over what to do with the matter. Her father wanted to keep it quiet and her mother wanted to complain to everyone they knew, craving the attention that their pity brought her.
At first Kate had thought that her mother was defending her against her father, but as she witnessed more interactions between the two, she realized that her mother was more concerned about herself. Her mother had seen Kate’s abuse as an opportunity for attention from everyone around her, even if the attention was only pity. Her father immediately attempted to squash the publicity, desperately trying to hide what he considered to be an embarrassment. Kate’s mother always resented it when her father took the spotlight off her.
Her mother lived under the assumption that any attention was like currency, a necessity that she worked hard to stockpile. Even bad attention still carried it’s weight in gold to her. Eventually her mother had had enough of her father and the situation and left. She needed a stage and no longer was interested in playing the role of mother and wife. The last thing that she said to Kate before she left was that Kate should have kept her mouth shut.
So, that left her and her sister without a mother, but since that absence also made their dad start drinking, they were also left without a father. His drinking left them to fend for themselves and Kate became the main caretaker of her little sister Annie, working odd jobs to try to keep food on the table. It wasn’t ideal but it became all the girls knew and so they cherished their relationship with one another and the bond that they were able to grow.
It wasn’t much longer though until their father’s heavy drinking did more damage to his body than it could handle. His fragile frame caved into the liquor and quit one summer day, leaving his two daughters completely alone in the world. They were entrusted to the care of a family friend, Uncle Lenny Martin, who was their father’s oldest friend and who they had known all their life. They were grateful for how much he had cared for them and helped them, but there is no perfect substitute for missing parents.
At least Annie had had Kate, who did her best to fill every role her little sister needed. Somehow it had worked, somehow Kate had managed to shield Annie from a life that could have led to cynicism. Instead, Annie was a free spirit traveling wherever the wind picked her up and dropped her off. She loved life and indecision and happily flitted from one job to the next, one home to the next, one man to the next. Her laugh was always piercing the air with its melodic tone when she came to visit.
Their life had not been easy but Kate had carried the brunt of their trials and had held the bitterness at bay when Annie was near. She never lied to Annie so it was no secret that the abuse had deeply affected Kate but she locked her pain up tightly out of Annie’s reach. Kate felt a possessiveness over it, as if she had deserved it all. Every time she felt that reminder of how she had gutted her family up like a fish, she snuck off to her vault and reveled in the pain she felt she deserved.
Every time she thought of that man’s hands skimming across her skin and forcing their way to places her young mind didn’t know existed, she shuddered and felt sick. Nausea crept up and smashed against her with the same force as the images pounded her mind’s eye. The memory of his pant’s zipper always down, the way his aftershave stung her nostrils, or the way he glared at her like she was something to be devoured. Those thoughts would never leave her, they popped up whenever they please with no warning to remind her of what she was long before the attack from two weeks ago. She had never been whole. She had never been worthy. She was always tainted.
Kate squeezed her eyes tightly, exhaling forcefully, as if she was trying to push every negative sensation right out of her. She blinked back tears burning her eyes and lay back down. She finally settled herself against a pillow, pushing against it in an attempt to plump it up in a more comfortable position. She turned onto her side and punched the pillow again, causing a muffled sound that made Derrick stir next to her. He turned to face her and flopped his arm down across her waist, pulling her closer to him unconsciously as he drifted back into a deeper sleep.
She studied his face, a few inches away from hers, and wondered if she could trust him enough to tell him everything about herself. This deliciously handsome man in front of her enticed her in every way possible, but now there was a new feeling when she looked at him. A sensation that she had never experienced with him before.
It was fear.
CHAPTER THREE
“Craig McDermott.” Detective Mike McCraig shouted down the sidewalk to the young man walking out of a door onto the city street. The young man stopped and stared at the two confident detectives striding towards him.
“Can I help you?” He said, a mixture of irritation and curiosity in his voice, as he pushed his hands into his pockets and stared at the duo.
“Sure can, if you don’t mind following us down to the precinct.” McCraig’s partner, Detective Liz Snow, flashed her badge at Craig as she came to a stop in front of him and McCraig circled to around Craig’s side, cornering him.
“Come on, I just left my parole officer. I’m clean, I haven’t done anything!” Craig pointed to the door that he had just left from which was clearly marked as Department of Correction offices.
“How do you think we found you? Just serendipity?” McCraig joked snidely and grabbed Craig’s upper arm, pulling him along the sidewalk with them as they headed towards their squad car parked on the corner. Snow got in the driver’s seat while McCraig pushed Craig into the backseat of the car, then joined Snow in the front seat.
~~~~
“So, good behavior, huh? How did you get that? You don’t have the rap sheet of an eagle scout here, Craig.” Snow pulled out the metal chair at the table across from where Craig was also seated on another metal chair in the interrogation room at the precinct.
McCraig was leaning up against the concrete wall, a long mirror to his right which was clearly a secretive window for others to watch in even though it looked like a mirror from inside the room they were currently in. McCraig stood silently and crossed his arms over his chest, his eyes piercing into Craig.
“I kept to myself, I didn’t do anything. I hadn’t even planned on being there in the first place, man! That was never my scene! Always did my jobs and fast, kept my head down, didn’t cause any problems.” Craig tossed his hands up in exasperation, still unsure why he was even there.
“I bet if I asked Holly Castel, she wouldn’t say you never cause any problems.” Snow s napped back at him, flipping open a file folder in front of her with Craig’s name on it. A picture of a young collegiate girl was pushed out and turned around for Craig to look at. He glanced at her picture then rolled his eyes and looked up at the ceiling.
“I did my time. Time I shouldn’t even have had because I’m an innocent man. My conscience is clear, crystal freaking clear. I keep telling you guys.” He said, displaying his lack of intelligence in his broken grammar.
“So, raping an innocent girl while she is passed out doesn’t stick to your conscience?” McCraig suddenly burst off the concrete wall and rushed the table, slamming his hand down on it as he got his face inches from Craig’s face. Craig jumped back, frightened at the surprise and the brazen show of aggression. Snow put her hand on McCraig’s forearm and pulled him back gently, signaling for him to calm down. He turned around and went back to the wall, leaning against its cold concrete.
“Listen, I never did that. I didn’t touch that girl. We
ll, after she was passed out I didn’t touch her! I was passed out too! Read the file, we made out and that’s it. Then we were both passed the fuck out! I couldn’t and wouldn’t have done a thing to her. I don’t do that to women. I ain’t that kind of man, guys.” Craig pushed himself back from the table a bit and crossed his arms.
“Then why did a jury find you guilty, Craig? Why did a witness say he saw you on Holly, grinding away, while she was blacked out drunk at this party on campus?” Detective Snow leaned into the table as Craig leaned out, her questions rapid and fierce.
“He was lying, man! That mother fucker was always a liar. I don’t even know why I let him hang around with me in the first place! Pity, I guess. Guy had a fucking girl’s name, for fuck’s sake. I don’t even remember his damn name but it was a damn girl’s name, or a saint’s name, and he ain’t no fucking saint. Never should have been nice to that sneak. He was jealous I got more girls than he did. I ran NYU, I could have had any girl on campus that I wanted, I didn’t have to take nothing from nobody.
Stupid jerk, put me away for nothing. Why am I even here? I didn’t do anything back then but I served my time and I’ve been keeping my nose clean. Why the hell am I here now?” Craig’s voiced became raised in both anger and frustration as his rambling finally came to a stop.
Both detectives stared at Craig calculating where to go in their interrogation and how much to reveal. His outburst certainly intrigued Detective Snow, as she realized that if he flew off the handle that quickly then his impulse control was exactly on par with what they assume Kate’s attacker would be like. Snow pushed back in her chair as well and sighed, letting her arms rest on the table casually.
“Well, Mr. McDermott, we are thinking you might be back to your old tricks. Got a woman who picked your picture out of a lot of other faces. She’s claiming rape and you are looking pretty damn good for it.” Snow stated to him, carefully watching his face for clues.
Craig didn’t say anything, his face scrunched up into confusion and he stared back at Snow. He then turned to stare at McCraig, who was still standing in the corner against the wall glaring at him. Finally, he looked back at Snow and he opened his mouth to say something but then closed it again and breathed out in a loud exhale. He ran his hand up through his hair and leaned backwards again.
“For fuck’s sake. You asses with a badge want to take more time from an innocent man, huh?” He leered at them angrily, his hand smacking the table in frustration. Both detectives stared back at him, their faces stony and unchanging.
~~~~
There was absolutely nothing about the tedious morning metro commute that Kate missed. She felt herself trying to push away bitter thoughts as she was firmly squeezed between an old man coughing wet spittle into the air, not even bothering to cover his mouth, and a young girl wearing way too little clothes and headphones that blared music so loud, there was really no point to wear the headphones in the first place.
She had been able to avoid this awful daily ritual for over two weeks as she had been in the hospital and then at home healing. However, bills eventually started rearing their ugly heads again and Kate knew that she couldn’t hole up in her apartment forever. At some point, she had to get back to her real life and try to put these past two weeks out of her head. If such a thing were even possible.
Relief washed over her as she heard the train conductor’s muffled announcement that her stop was coming up next. She pushed her way past the wheezing old man and the insolent young girl destined for teenage pregnancy and made her way towards the door while trying to balance as the train lurched from side to side. She wasn’t very successful though since she stumbled twice and multiple disgruntled passengers expressed their irritation towards her. She ignored them and finally made it to the dirty doors and peered through the glass. Well, it was supposed to look like glass, really it was just a thick plastic that was so worn with scratches, smears, and germs that would make even a slob squirm.
The train dinged it’s piercing bell, announcing arrival at the station as it thudded to a stop and Kate fell forward and then backwards, grabbing a railing above her to keep from ending up on the floor. She had never been so grateful to see those doors open as she was just then. She had always disliked the metro, but with her recent experience it became so much worse. Every man glancing at her was a suspect, every person bumping against her was an attacker, and every jarring sound was a threat.
She ran up the escalator steps to reach the streets above and turned towards her work. She paused for just a moment, almost tripping in her hurried steps, when she saw the Java Jolt across the street. Normally, she would stop into that coffee shop every day on her way to work. In fact, that was where she had met Derrick and subsequently fallen in love. But now, that was where Craig worked.
Kate continued past the store and on towards her job, but Craig’s face was now looming in her mind. She pictured him in the store serving coffee to an unsuspecting woman, sizing her up and deciding if she was going to be his next victim. If Craig was even her attacker. That was just another of the many unknown pieces in her puzzle. Kate shook her head as if it was an etch a sketch that she could erase a memory with just a simple tousle. If only it were that easy.
~~~~
Kate walked up to the large glass doors to her office building’s lobby and took a deep breath, pushing through them. She was immediately greeted by a friendly face that she had almost forgotten and was so relieved to see him. Herbert was an elderly security guard who checked people’s badges as they entered the building to go to one of the many different companies that rented office space here. He grinned at her when he saw her, always the jovial spirit.
“Miss Kate, it’s been a few since I have seen your pretty face pass through here! How have you been? Did you take a nice vacation?” Herbert smiled a wide, toothy grin and scanned her badge for her as she extended it out to him.
“I know, I’ve missed seeing you!” Kate greeted back, completely avoiding the topic of why she hadn’t been there.
“How is the family?” She immediately followed up by turning the focus on him, hoping he wouldn’t notice her artful dodge. She continued walking as he handed her badge back to her and spoke to him over her shoulder as she pressed the lobby button for the elevator.
“They are wonderful as always, grandkids in college costing me a few pennies here and there. Just trying to help out the kids. Junior, though, he has a scholarship for the football so he is doing just fine. Good grades too! There are some brains in these genes, you know.” Herbert bragged about his family, not noticing her clever evasion.
“I can imagine! That is so wonderful to hear!” Kate responded as the elevator door chimed, announcing its arrival.
“I’ll see you later, Herbert!” She called back to him as she quickly scooted inside the doors and waited for them to close safely behind her, a shield to ward off anymore undesired questions. The elevator slid up towards her office as she realized for the first time that Herbert wasn’t going to be the only one with questions. Kate’s sister, Annie, had told her job that she had been in a car accident. At least, she was pretty sure that that was what Annie had said.
She had spoken to her sister late last night on the phone and it hadn’t been one of their more pleasant conversations. Annie was upset that Kate was going back to work only two weeks after the attack. Somehow the roles had reversed and now Annie, the little sister, was trying to take care of Kate which Kate was automatically resistant to. She was the one who had always been in charge and always handled everything. She didn’t want her little sister carrying that burden.
On top of that, Kate couldn’t possibly stay in her house another minute. The days were becoming endless and spending hours in the same place you were attacked in makes it pretty hard to move on. She needed a distraction and a purpose to get her out of bed every morning. Being an employee was better than being a victim.
At least for today.
A nervous feeling clouded Kate’s mind
as she thought of the stares, the questions, and worst of all, the concern of her colleagues. She didn’t want their pity, she didn’t want their curiosity, and she certainly didn’t want their attention. She was the opposite of her mother, the more she could fly under the radar, the better. Whether she liked it or not, the moment came and the doors opened into the office floor and Kate stepped out trying to look as confident as possible. Completely the opposite of what she felt inside.
~~~~
Kate’s predictions had been pretty spot on, as she quickly came to find out. She had barely finished hanging up her coat in her cubicle when her neighboring coworker popped her head in. Janet was a middle aged woman who Kate often ate lunch with or chatted with over the water cooler. The conversation was always about Janet’s children and all the different activities and achievements. Janet rarely, if ever, inquired about Kate’s life mostly because she was just more interested in talking about herself. Kate had no problem with that though, she had never wanted to be in the spotlight and so she was completely fine focusing on other people. She never had much to tell about her own life anyways.
Until now, she thought ironically.
“Kate! How are you doing!? This place has been just falling apart without you, dear!” Janet said kindly, even though Kate knew that was not the case. She sold office furniture to industrial companies. Her job could literally be done by an online shopping search engine.
Her Uncle Lenny owned the company and had gifted her the job when she got out of college and had been unable to find employment due to the rough economy at the time. However, as the years went by, Kate just became comfortable and stayed. Don’t confuse comfortable with happy, because Kate was certainly never happy with her job. Sometimes she wondered how she didn’t just fall asleep at her desk or snap at a customer on the phone and tell them just to go shop online.