Leaning in, he kisses me, “Let me throw this...,” he doesn’t finish.
Launching myself at him, I wrap my legs around his waist as he catches me with one arm. I kiss his sweet mouth as he walks, carrying me, only making a stop by the trashcan. We go straight to his bedroom, and I get a quick glance around before he falls down on the bed, with me on top. Rolling me underneath him, we begin again, remembering to only slow down during our favorite parts.
Several weeks pass, and the contentment of my heart is a new experience. Kane fills emotional voids that I never knew I had. His love, well I call it love since he hasn’t out right told me he loves me yet, makes me stronger. It gives me strength to consider doing things I never thought I would be able to do.
Life continues. He works, and I finish up my online high school diploma and maintain my coursework at the college. We don’t necessarily flaunt our physical relationship in front of my parents, but I refuse to miss too many precious moments with him. I stay over at his house when I can, mostly when my dad is out of town. I’m always sure to let my mom know where I am.
I haven’t heard from Rhye. I texted him trying to check on how he is doing, but I got no response. I told Eli everything that happened. Actually, I cried to Eli about it, and being the wonderful guy that he is, he held me as I wept. He reminded me that, just like JT, I had to mourn Rhye, letting him go so I could move on. Molly, Reed, Cal, Kane, and Eli have taken to coming over on Sundays to hang out. Having those that I love in the same place at the same time warms my heart. It’s just another reminder of the good things to come.
One evening, my mother enters my room while I am getting ready for bed.
“Jay,” she says, standing in the door, “can I come in?”
“Sure, Mom. What’s going on?” I ask.
Walking towards me, she opens her closed fist to reveal bottles of antidepressant and anxiety medication. Offering them to me, she says, “Here. It’s time I trusted you to handle these. I have to trust that you realize that life is not always rainbows and that there will be days of darkness, but if you hold on long enough, the sun will come out.”
Smiling at her, I can’t help but think how much I love the woman. “Thanks, Mom. Even though that’s about the corniest thing I’ve ever heard you say, I understand where you are coming from.”
She shakes her head as I reach for them. One-by-one, I pick them up and place them on the table. Turning back to her, I give her a quick hug.
“So, you and Kane seem to be doing well together?” she asks as we pull back.
Smiling, because I can’t help it, I answer, “Yes. He’s everything and more to me.”
“I love seeing your genuinely smiling face. It makes your father and me happy.”
“Me too.”
She smiles at me one last time before walking out the door. Minutes later, my phone vibrates with a text message.
Kane – Just got done with the new job…tired, but you know I still want to come over.
Grinning, I look down at his message. I know if I ask him, he will come. That’s just how he cares for me, and I would do the same.
Me – No sleep. You will need your energy tomorrow night. I hate sleeping without you.
Kane – Yeah, me too
Me – Night......
Kane – night :)
I shake my head. He’ll tell me he loves me when he’s ready. The important thing is that I know that he does. I lie down and close my eyes, praying for sweet or no dreams at all.
~~~~~~~
The next morning, as I’m coming down for breakfast, the doorbell rings. I go to answer it, and I’m not surprised to see Agent Morris standing there. I’ve never met a more persistent person in my life. She still isn’t my favorite after the stunt she pulled taking me to where JT died.
Putting on a fake smile, because what I really want to do is slam the door in her face, I say, “Good morning, Agent Morris.” I make note not to invite her in.
“Hi Jay.” She smiles at me and asks, “Can I please come in?”
Sighing, I step back and open the door.
“Can we talk?” she asks.
Going no further than the foyer, I cross my arms and ask, “What? No other place you can think of to take me to and torture me?” I can’t help but continue, “I’ve already been to his grave, so I beat you there.”
“Jay, I was desperate. I am desperate because I want to convict him of the crime he committed. I know that he did what he has been accused of, and the thought that he is going to walk free kills me. That is why I do what I do. I believe in justice and that it can be served, but sometimes, it takes desperate measures. Those measures mean that I have to do things that I may not necessarily be proud of later.”
Sniffling, I listen to her words. I don’t like them, but I understand. “Do you understand why I haven’t wanted to testify? Can you understand that, when I get on that stand and tell every detail about what happened, the next morning, I’m still going to wake up hurting from the memory? I’ll still have the nightmares. It will not end for me, Agent Morris. It probably never will.”
Nodding her head, she says, “I know you will deal with this for the rest of your life, but Jay, what kind of life is it knowing you did nothing? That he could possibly do this to some other young girl. Like I said before, we haven’t found anyone else that he has assaulted, but that doesn’t mean that, at some point, he couldn’t transfer his obsession for you to someone else.”
Hearing her words, I stop her, “Wait, what do you mean by ‘obsession’? That’s the second time you’ve alluded to something like that. No threats Agent Morris. Tell it to me straight this time.”
“I honestly believe that, at some point, he may try to contact you again. Actually, I’ve put in several requests to have him followed, but unfortunately with budget cuts and no continuing evidence, it’s been denied. Jay...”
She continues to speak, but I don’t hear any of it as my world drops out from underneath me. He has contacted me, and I think, no I know, I’ve seen him. The cemetery, the mall, school, glimpses of him, making me think I’m going crazy. Was he really there? Watching and waiting for his chance? No, it can’t be. Why would he risk it? Hearing my name being called, I finally look towards her.
She reaches out, grabbing my wrist, “He’s contacted you hasn’t he?” Her eyes are wild and eager.
Shaking my head, I whisper, “No...I don’t know. I think I’ve seen him but just glimpses. I thought I was imagining things. Why would he risk it? You’ve said it yourself, and I’m sure he knows that if I don’t talk then he walks free. Why would he jeopardize me changing my mind?”
“Listen to me carefully,” she says, bringing me closer to her, “you have to tell me everything.”
Breaking my arm free, I pull it back and cradle it with the other. I can tell that she knows she is scaring me.
Stepping back, she lowers her hands and says, “Listen, if he contacted you, he is in violation of his bond. We can have him apprehended and put in jail until trial.”
Shaking my head, I tell her the truth, “He didn’t contact me. I went into the market, and he was there, so I left. I only made it outside the store before I became sick. As he left, he muttered something as he walked by. I guess you could say that he was talking to himself.”
“What did he say?”
Taking a deep breath, I finally answer, “He said, ‘Miss me, Jay’ and that was it.”
“When? When was this, Jay?”
“Months ago.”
An incredulous look spreads across her face as she asks, “And you’ve seen him other places?”
“Not necessarily. Sometimes, I think I see him, and other times, I think it’s just in my head.”
Grasping the bridge of her nose, she sighs and says, “Jay, he violated you, and then for two years, he tormented you. To make matters worse, he enjoyed every moment of controlling you and reminding you to fear him. The only reason I believe his threats didn’t accelerate fa
ster was because of lack of time in his personal life. Between coaching and his wife having twins, he didn’t have the time to harass you, but he was starting to. He is not going to just disappear. He has proven that he can have patience. So it might not be as soon as the trial is over, but he has some sick fascination with you, and he’ll eventually act on it. Again.”
Everything within me knows that the words she speaks are true. Terror rises within me, and the thought that he will try again destroys me. He can hurt me again. The thought that, forever, I will just be waiting until he does. It’s a matter of time. No, not again. Making my decision, I look at her as chills run down my body. Breathlessly, I say, “I’ll do it. I’ll testify.”
Surprise marks her face, but she nods saying, “You know you have to, Jay. You know this is how you claim your life back. This is how you get justice for JT.” She looks at me like she’s afraid I’ll change my mind.
Cringing, I realize what I have just agreed to. This moment is surreal, and for a brief second, my life flashes before me: the pain of my broken body, the life-ending decision he forced on me, the choices, the thievery, the years of living in terror knowing he was there around every corner, waiting for me. The letters, the flowers, and the smirks as he watched me walk through school hallways, knowing what he had done, wanting to do it again.
“Jay, you are making the right decision,” she assures me. “I have to make the call to the D.A.’s office and let them know.” Looking at her watch, she smiles looking back at me, “and just in time. There is a pre-trial meeting today with his lawyers, and they can tell the bastard the great news. I’ll be right back.”
I watch as she walks outside, closing the door behind her. My knees shake, and my stomach tosses with the decision. I’m not going back on it. I can’t. My mother walks into foyer as I stand motionless, frozen in fear. I don’t even acknowledge her presence.
“Jay, what’s wrong?” my mother asks, shaking me by my arms.
Coming to myself, I gasp, “I’m going to do it.”
“What, honey? What are you going to do?” she asks hysterically. I don’t realize how this statement must sound to her.
“I’m going to testify. I have to.”
A wave of calmness sweeps over her, but tears fill her eyes as she looks back at me. “You don’t have to. You know that right? You can choose to not ever say a word about it. That is your choice, and no one is going to take that from you. They can’t take that from you.” She wraps me in her arms, and I break down. Tears flow freely from both of our eyes.
Through my sobs, I answer her, “No, I want to move on. I don’t want to worry about if he is coming after me or not. If I testify and he is still released, that is different, but at least then, I would have tried. I want to do this, Mom. I need to.” She holds me until our fears finish dripping down our faces.
Hearing the door open, I look up and step away from my mother’s comforting arms. Agent Morris walks in. Looking at my mother and myself, she replies, “You’re doing the right thing, Jay. Next week we’ll have you come in so we can go over what will happen, and we’ll discuss the logistics later on. I was able to catch the D.A. before they went into the meeting with the defense. Bruce Branch will know today that you are going to testify.” She leans in, gently touching my arm, “You need to be careful. I wasn’t lying about what I said. From this point forward, any contact he has with you or if you think you see him anywhere, you call 911 and ask for me. Got it?
I nod. Softy smiling at me, she nods back and turns toward the door to leave. She stops before closing the door behind her. “It takes immense courage to stand up and face your fears, but I promise that it will be something that you will never regret.” She closes the door, and I watch as she backs the patrol car out of the driveway.
“What does she mean about being careful, Jay?”
Not wanting to worry my mother, I lie, “Nothing, just warning me to be careful as usual.”
Pulling away, I want to call Kane to tell him what I’ve decided. I need to share my fears and let him wrap me in his arms to hide me away from the rest of the world for just a little bit.
“Jay, what can I do?” my mom asks.
“I’m good. I’m just going to go see Kane. He’s off today, and I was going to let him sleep in, but now, I think I’ll take breakfast over.”
“I’ve got some fresh coffee and homemade blueberry muffins. C’mon, I’ll load you up, and you can take some to him.”
Following her, I do just that. I pack several extra in case Cole is there. I’ve only spoken to him a couple of times since we’ve been back together, and in both instances, he was nice but not overly. Kane’s mother cooked dinner for us last week so I could meet her. She was so down to earth and nice to me. I see where Kane gets his smile and his sense of humor from. We get along great, and we even made plans to have dinner again next week.
An hour later, I arrive at Kane’s. Getting out and grabbing the bag full of food that my mom packed, I head towards the front door. After ringing the door bell, Cole answers in his boxers and nothing else, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.
“S’up?” he asks as he opens the door wider, inviting me in.
Averting my eyes to avoid looking at his body, which I’m sure is a mirror image of Kane’s, I walk in and through to the kitchen. I murmur, “Hi” as I walk past him. Placing the bag on the kitchen counter, I start pulling out the muffins and coffee thermos my mother packed. She also threw in some fresh fruit and utensils. As I’m fixing Kane a breakfast tray of food, Cole walks in, still undressed. I have never felt so uncomfortable in my life.
“Mmm...something smells good. What did you bring?” he asks, rummaging through the bag as he stands next to me.
“My mom made some muffins and coffee, plus there is some fruit,” I reply as I finish pouring Kane some coffee.
“Wow, lil’ bro is getting breakfast in bed. Nice,” he says as he grabs a muffin and takes a bite. “You know, this is the first opportunity I’ve had to talk to you alone.”
Closing my eyes, I dread hearing what he has to say, but out of respect for his relation to my man, I look at him.
He sits the remaining muffin down and glances into my eyes. “You fucked him up with your shit. I knew you would be trouble the moment I laid my eyes on you, and for the first time, I really hated to be right. I really don’t want him with you, but I don’t have a choice, do I?”
Taking a breath, I start to say, “I...,” but he cuts me off.
“No, let me finish. He’s already had to deal with the loss of Matt, and if you would have told me that he would have to go through more shit, I would have called you a damn liar. Once in a lifetime should be enough for anybody.” He shakes his head and rubs the back of his neck before bringing his head up to look at me. “But, I guess you would know more than anyone about an unfair life. If you make him happy and if you are who he wants, then I’ll be fine with him being with you, but do not fucking hurt him.”
“I love him, Cole,” I answer, staring back at him. I want and need him to see the truth on my face.
Nodding his head, he takes another bite of muffin, and with a mouthful, he replies, “Good. So do I.”
He grasps my shoulder with his hand, giving it a squeeze before reaching for another muffin as he walks out of the room.
I don’t have siblings, but if I did, I guess I would love that they care enough to look after me; however, that was awkward. I pray that I never have to be in that position again. Grabbing the tray, I head down to his basement apartment.
Walking into his bedroom, I see that he has kicked off most of the covers and he is wearing nothing but boxers. I can’t help but think they are a good choice. I mean, after all, they do highlight that luscious ass of his. He’s a belly sleeper, and he has his head turned to the side and resting on his arms. My mouth waters at the sight of him. Laying the tray on the night stand, I decide that he deserves a little something special for waiting for me and putting up with my shit. I quick
ly undress down to my t-shirt and panties. I swear the boy sleeps like a rock.
Climbing into bed on my knees beside him, I take my hands and rub them gently down his back. I begin to lightly massage his neck as I bring my lips to kiss his shoulder blade.
“Am I dreaming?” his raspy voice asks.
Kissing his other shoulder, I use my teeth to bite down gently. His taste explodes on my tongue. I stop as he jerks back. “Does that feel like a dream?” I ask laughing.
“Actually, I have this one fantasy,” he starts jokingly.
I continue to massage his defined back, letting my hands stroke lower over his cheeks and not stopping until I reach his calves. Then, I make my way back up. Having just found out he is ticklish, I let my fingers drift over his sides, and he wiggles his body.
“Hey, watch it,” he rises up saying with a smile on his face and in his eyes.
It seems that the instant connection I feel with him strengthens with every touch. Slowly leaning down, I bring my lips to his, deepening my kiss then pulling back. “I brought you breakfast in bed,” I say motioning to the food on the nightstand, but his eyes never leave mine. “Are you hungry?”
“Yes, I’ve been hungry for you,” he says, bringing his lips back to mine, “for too long, and now I can’t get enough.”
“I’m all for gluttony.”
He laughs at my joke, and I can feel the vibration against my lips. The hum runs down my body, igniting the fire that is always stoked around him. Kissing laughs are my new favorite thing. Ever. Turning over, he pulls me down beside him. Wrapped in his arms and snuggled in his warm bed, the whole world drifts far away. The only thing that matters at this point is us. He makes me feel like breathing; he isn’t a choice. He is what it takes for me to live.