‘I will look after you,’ I said, though this Mister sounded terrifying.
Diamond wriggled out from under the wagon, giving her face another wipe with her petticoats. She patted the slight bulge in her bodice where she was hiding the handkerchief. ‘Can I really keep it for my very own?’ she asked.
‘Of course you can,’ I said, taking her hand.
She led me along the back of the wagons, cautiously peeping through the gap at the end of each van. She didn’t need to tell me when we were passing Mister’s wagon. She clung tighter, her whole body shaking. I peered through the gap too. I was expecting a great cruel monster of a man with a whip in his hand, but saw instead a small skinny creature in combinations and baggy trousers sipping tea before his fire. He wore an odd little bowler hat on the back of his head. It looked as if it was glued to his sparse hair.
‘Is that him?’ I whispered.
Diamond nodded, shuddering.
‘Is he one of the clowns?’ I asked, noticing traces of bright red on the tip of his nose.
‘Yes, he is Mister Beppo,’ Diamond whispered. ‘He manages the act, with his three sons.’
‘The silver boys?’
‘He was a silver boy once, but he fell and hurt his back so he has to be Beppo instead,’ said Diamond.
‘Does he beat his boys too?’ I asked.
‘Sometimes, especially the youngest. The others are big and strong now, much bigger than him – but they’re scared of him too,’ she replied.
‘Well, don’t you worry. I’m looking after you now, Diamond,’ I said.
‘I know, though I am still a little bit worried,’ she said.
‘We’ll creep away then. We’ll find Madame Adeline.’
Her wagon was right at the end, painted green, with green velvet curtains at the little window. It was my turn to tremble now.
‘This one’s hers, Madame Addie’s,’ said Diamond.
‘I know,’ I said, remembering how I’d sought it out five years ago, when I’d run away from the hospital.
We sidled round the side of the wagon – and there was Madame Adeline herself sitting on the steps before her fire. I’d braced myself, knowing she was quite an elderly lady without her red wig and make-up, but she looked wonderful, her red hair still in place, her make-up giving her cheeks a pink glow. She was wearing a silky dark green tea gown and a royal blue woollen shawl, and wore two feathers, a green and a blue, in a sparkly clasp on her head. They gave her a regal air, as if she were a queen with an exotic crown. We stood timidly at the foot of her steps, peering up at her.
‘Hello,’ she said, gazing at us with interest. ‘Oh dear, Diamond, I think you’ve been crying again. Come here, darling.’ She held out her arms and Diamond rushed to her, hiding her face in the green tea gown. ‘I think I know you too, my dear,’ Madame Adeline said softly, looking at me.
‘I’m not sure you really do know me, Madame Adeline – though I certainly know you,’ I said fervently. ‘We met five years ago – and five years before that too.’
‘My goodness, I’m right. It’s Little Star,’ said Madame Adeline, smiling at me.
I burst into tears.
‘Whatever’s the matter?’ she said, reaching out so that I was tucked within her embrace too, along with Diamond.
‘Nothing’s the matter. It’s just so wonderful that you remember me!’ I sobbed.
‘Of course I remember you. I was very worried about you when we last met – on the Heath, wasn’t it? You were a naughty girl and ran away.’
‘Only because you were going to take me back to the hospital.’
‘But you did go back, I checked,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘I felt so bad. I wished I’d weakened and let you stay with me. I wanted you to stay for my sake, though the circus is a harsh home for children. Look at this poor little soul.’ She stroked Diamond’s hair out of her eyes.
‘She says that clown, Beppo, beats her,’ I said.
‘Yes, he does,’ said Madame Adeline sadly. ‘He is a warped little man who thinks the only way to teach is through fear. It was the way he learned. It’s the only way he knows. But I try hard to look after little Diamond, don’t I, darling?’
‘Yes,’ said Diamond, climbing properly onto Madame Adeline’s lap and twining her skinny little arms round her neck.
‘I can’t always protect her. Beppo is cruellest when we’re rehearsing and I have to take Midnight through his paces then.’
‘Midnight! That’s your new black horse!’ I said eagerly. ‘He’s beautiful.’
‘Isn’t he! He’s given me a whole new lease of life. I thought I was finished when Firelight and Sugar grew too old for the ring, but then I saw this young colt at a gypsy fair. He was supposed to be too wild to ride, but I tamed him – with kindness.’ She kissed Diamond’s hair. ‘Beppo should train you with mint balls and apples, they work wonders.’ Madame Adeline looked at me. ‘Someone’s been training you too, Little Star. You look such a pale, peaky girl. Look at those sharp cheekbones and dark circles under your eyes. Who’s been working you so hard?’
‘I’m not worked hard. I’m back here in the village, and I’m very much loved and cared for, but somehow I’m still not happy.’
‘What would make you happy, dear?’ said Madame Adeline.
‘I – I don’t know,’ I said.
She held me close. ‘Did you ever find your real mother?’ she asked softly.
‘I did! Oh, dear lovely Mama! She was there at the hospital all the time, working as a kitchen maid to be near me. But then last summer she was very ill and . . . and I lost her.’ I felt my eyes welling with tears again.
‘I’m so sorry. Oh dear. Now I will weep too.’
‘Is your mother dead too, Hetty?’ said Diamond. ‘Mine went to live with the angels.’
‘My mama lives there too. I’m sure she has wonderful white feathery wings and a dress as blue as the sky. Maybe they fly from cloud to cloud together. But my mama flies down to see me every now and then. She creeps inside my heart and speaks to me. She is a great comfort. Perhaps your mama will do the same.’
I hoped Diamond’s mother had been a kindly soul. Her father certainly sounded a callous villain, selling his own daughter to that cruel little clown.
‘Now, my girls, I’m going to have a cup of tea. Would you like one too?’ said Madame Adeline.
‘And cake?’ said Diamond hopefully.
‘I expect we can find a cake if we search hard,’ said Madame Adeline, laughing.
‘Can Hetty have some cake too?’ Diamond asked.
‘Of course she can. Let us go and look for it.’
Madame Adeline went up the steps and opened the green door painted with silver stars. We followed. I held my breath. There was the green velvet chair with the lace antimacassar and the little table with the fringed chenille cloth; there was the cabinet of dainty china shepherdesses, each with her own little white sheep; there was the bed with the patchwork quilt let down like a shelf from the wagon wall. It was all quite perfect, exactly as I remembered.
Madame Adeline set her silver kettle on top of the spirit stove and fetched three willow-pattern cups and saucers. ‘Now, where can that cake be?’ she said. She looked under the table. ‘No cake here!’
Diamond gave a timid chuckle.
Madame Adeline looked in her armchair. ‘No cake here!’
Diamond laughed properly.
Madame Adeline went over to her bed. ‘Perhaps it’s curled up and gone to sleep?’ she said, searching under the sheets.
Diamond laughed so much she had to sit down on the rug.
‘Where do you think that naughty cake is hiding?’ said Madame Adeline.
‘In the tin, in the tin!’ Diamond shouted, pointing to the big Queen Victoria cake tin on the shelf.
‘Ah!’ said Madame Adeline, lifting down the cake tin, prising off the lid and peering inside. ‘Yes, Diamond, you are absolutely right, you clever girl.’
I was all agog too. When I saw the pink and yellow chequere
d cake with the thick marzipan, I cried out, ‘That’s the same cake! The very same kind of cake you gave me five years ago. Oh, I love that cake.’
Madame Adeline made the tea and we sat down together. She sat in the chair, I took the little velvet stool, and Diamond sat cross-legged on the rug. We sipped our tea and ate the soft moist cake. Diamond peeled the marzipan off hers, wrapped it round her finger, and then licked and nibbled as if it were a hokey-pokey ice cream. Madame Adeline shook her head and raised her eyebrows, but didn’t scold her.
We were like a cosy little family, the three of us. I felt as if I were in a wonderful dream – but then I heard men shouting outside, and dogs barking.
‘That’s Mister!’ said Diamond, sticking the rest of the marzipan in her mouth quickly.
‘It’s not just Beppo. It sounds like there’s a stranger in the camp,’ said Madame Adeline.
Then I heard someone calling my name.
‘Hetty? Hetty, are you there?’
‘Oh my Lord, it’s Jem. He must have followed me,’ I said, sighing. I opened the door and went down the steps.
There was Jem in the midst of a group of angry circus hands. They had tried to seize him but he shook them off furiously, prepared to fight. ‘Where have you hidden my Hetty?’ he said, his fists clenched.
‘They haven’t hidden me, Jem! I’m here! I’m perfectly fine!’ I said, running down the steps.
They started shouting at me now, but Madame Adeline put her arm round my shoulders.
‘Hey, hey, lay off, boys! This girl is an old friend. She’s here as my guest, to take tea with me,’ she announced imperiously. She nodded at Jem. ‘And you, sir, are very welcome too.’
Jem looked astonished, his mouth agape. The men still muttered amongst themselves, but let him go free. They went about their business, even Beppo. I heard Diamond let out a little sigh of relief from the depths of Madame Adeline’s wagon.
‘Well, Hetty, are you going to introduce us?’ said Madame Adeline.
‘Madame Adeline, this is my foster brother Jem,’ I said.
She held out her hand in a refined gesture. I think Jem was meant to kiss her fingers but he shook her hand heartily instead.
‘Pleased to meet you, ma’am,’ he said. ‘And thank you for your kind offer of tea, but I’ve my supper at home. I’d better be getting back – and so had you, Hetty.’ He took hold of my arm in a proprietorial fashion.
I wriggled free. ‘I want to stay here with Madame Adeline,’ I said.
But she smiled at me sweetly and shook her head. ‘Perhaps you had better run along with your brother just now, Little Star. But will you come and see the show tomorrow?’
‘I would not miss it for the world,’ I said, giving her pink cheek a shy kiss. ‘Goodbye. And goodbye, Diamond! I shall look out for you in the ring tomorrow and give you a big cheer.’
I let Jem propel me away from the semicircle of wagons and the big top.
‘There, Hetty, I told you there wouldn’t be a show tonight,’ he said. ‘And how did you make friends with that painted woman?’
‘Don’t talk about her in that way!’ I said. ‘What are you doing, rushing after me and telling me what to do?’
‘I was concerned about you, Hetty. Those circus folk are like gypsies, not to be trusted,’ said Jem. ‘The men are all very rough, and the women scarcely decent.’
‘You don’t know anything about them! Madame Adeline is my dear friend, and a highly respectable lady. She came to my rescue long ago, when I ran away from the hospital. It’s wonderful to see her again! I was having such a lovely time. Why did you have to come interfering and spoil everything?’ I hissed.
‘I have to look out for you, Hetty. You’re so headstrong. You think you know it all but you’re still a child. You don’t know the ways of the world,’ said Jem.
‘I’ve got far more experience of the world than you have, Jem Cotton. You’ve simply stayed in the same village all your life long. You’re just a country boy,’ I shouted, marching off across the meadow.
‘Yes, I am – and proud of it too,’ said Jem. He took hold of me by the elbow. ‘Hetty, why are we quarrelling? I just want to look after you.’ He looked so stricken that I felt very guilty.
‘I know. You’re so kind to me, Jem. But I don’t need you to look after me all the time, can’t you see that?’
‘I love you, Hetty, so I want to look after you,’ he said. He put his arm round my shoulder and pulled me close.
I knew how much it would hurt him if I pulled away again, so I let us walk all the way back home entwined like sweethearts. It was very uncomfortable, because he was so tall and had such long legs, so his gait was very different to mine.
Gideon had served Mother her supper. Mine was still in the pot, but I didn’t want to eat rabbit stew tonight. I wanted to keep the sweet taste of Madame Adeline’s cake in my mouth, so I went to bed hungry.
I scarcely slept – and when I did I dreamed I was in that circus procession, dancing along with little Diamond, while Madame Adeline pranced before us on Midnight.
I got up very early the next morning to make Jem a proper breakfast – I was still feeling guilty. He thanked me very earnestly and ate with great relish, as if his simple egg and bacon were a true feast.
‘I’ll take you to see the circus tonight, Hetty,’ he said, patting my hand.
I couldn’t wait for the evening. I did my chores. I worked with extreme thoroughness, sweeping and scrubbing every inch of the cottage, and pounding the sheets in the tub until they flapped white as clouds on the washing line.
I was extra patient with Mother and Gideon. I made them a set of cards, drawing a simple figure on each – a cat, a rabbit, a broom, a bed, a whole set of everyday objects. Then I got Gideon to hold them up for Mother and encourage her to try to say the appropriate word. It was a game they both enjoyed. Mother especially liked the cat card and amused Gideon greatly by stroking the little creature with one shaking finger.
This gave me an idea. The Maples’ tabby cat had recently had four kittens. I went and begged one off Mrs Maple and brought it home as a surprise. The kitten was a cute little creature, very perky and self-assured. She scampered all over the cottage, sniffing here and there, investigating corners delicately with her front paw. She ran right up Gideon’s long length and crouched on his shoulder, not at all perplexed by his patch and scars. When she felt tired, she scrabbled up Mother’s skirts and settled down cosily on her lap.
‘Kitty,’ Mother murmured. ‘Kitty, Kitty, Kitty,’ until she fell asleep too.
Gideon seemed content just to sit beside her, but I lent him my precious copy of David Copperfield.
‘It’s a wonderful story, Gideon. I know you’ll enjoy it,’ I said, giving him a hug.
‘Won’t you read it to me, Hetty?’ he said.
‘You can see perfectly well with your one eye. It will be good practice for you,’ I said gently. ‘I can’t read to you just now, Gid. I have to go out.’
Gideon stared at me with that one good eye. ‘You’re going to the circus, aren’t you?’ he said quietly. ‘I thought Jem was taking you tonight?’
‘He is. But I want to go to this afternoon’s performance too. Do you mind? I could see if Molly could sit with Mother if you wanted to come too,’ I said, a little reluctantly.
‘No, no, you go,’ said Gideon, opening up my book. ‘I shall read.’
I checked the stew, bubbling on the stove, and then ran. The circus was putting on a special early show at four o’clock and so the fields were seething with children scurrying along from school. I saw Janet hurrying with them, a child hanging from either hand, her long plait flying. I could have sat with her, but I wanted to hug this experience all to myself.
I sat right at the back, my heart thumping hard, as if I were about to perform myself. The small band struck up, playing a jaunty tune. Then there was a roll of drums and in strutted Mr Tanglefield himself, circus owner, ringmaster and elephant trainer.
 
; ‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tanglefield’s Travelling Circus,’ he said, and then he made a series of announcements, but it was very hard to make out what he was saying. He had a thin reedy voice, and although he spoke through a loudhailer it seemed to distort it further. The children were too restless to listen properly. They just wanted the show to get started.
They laughed when Chino the Clown and his sidekick, sinister Mister Beppo, came capering into the ring in their outsize trousers and flipper shoes. They fooled around with Mr Tanglefield, creeping up on him and pulling his coat tails. He kept threatening them, to no avail, until he went stomping off and brought back Elijah the elephant.
The children screamed and shouted at the great creature as he plodded his way through the same old tricks. I wondered if Elijah ever felt restless too, and wanted to jerk his chain from Mr Tanglefield’s fist, throw up his great head and charge out of the ring. I hated to see him made such a clown, laboriously balancing on different tubs, waving one leg in the air to the beat of the orchestra. If I had charge of Elijah I’d adorn his back in fine silks and brocade and paint his face and treat him royally, with respect.
Mr Tanglefield led him out of the ring at last and then hastened back to announce Flora the tightrope walker. She was so plump now that every seam in her costume was at bursting point. As she advanced along the tightrope with her balancing pole in her little pink hands, every child in the audience breathed hard, hoping that her bodice might pop right open before their eyes.
I grew tired of poor Flora as she trekked backwards and forwards – but I clapped hard when Mr Tanglefield announced in his tired tones that the Silver Tumblers were next.
In came the three boys in their sparkly silver suits, two young men with broad shoulders and muscled legs, one still a slender stripling, and there, skipping in their wake, was little Diamond in her fairy frock. She twirled about the boys as they somersaulted and stood on each other’s shoulders. Then she climbed right up them like a little spangled monkey and stood high in the air, arms outstretched, a smile on her face, as the audience applauded. I marvelled, but I could hardly bear to watch her. One little slip and she’d smash to the ground and break her neck.