Reluctantly, I put down the teddy, first giving it a kiss on its nose. Then I go through to Max’s room. It smells of him and my heart keens as I breathe in the musky scent of schoolboy’s socks and abandoned trainers. Equal care has been lavished on his tree, which fits perfectly with the boyish theme of his room. I can hardly believe that I had the skill to design this and that it has been executed so well by Jim and the boys without any supervision from me. Jim has always had a creative streak, but I’d no idea that he was capable of such intricate work. I wonder if he’s actually made a better job of it than I could have. Max will have absolutely adored it and, again, I regret that I wasn’t here to witness its effect on him. How I wish that I could have come straight back to Randall Court with them last night, to see their smiles light up their faces when they saw the house and their rooms in all their glory. But it wasn’t to be.
No matter what Carter has said, no matter that I might, at some point, be here in a different capacity, at the moment I’m still the hired help. When Tamara swept in, I had no choice but to take a back seat.
Before I get too melancholy, I look out at the vast expanse of garden. It’s pitch black now and no one has turned on the lights. I should go back downstairs and find the switch, check that everything’s up to scratch out there too.
The feeling that I’m an intruder starts to loom up on me again. As I can find no excuse to linger up here any longer, I decide that I’d better make myself scarce. After drinking in the view one last time, with a heavy heart I turn away from the window and force myself to leave.
Chapter Sixty-Three
I make my way back down the main staircase and, just as I’m about to call Georgina to tell her that I’m leaving, I hear a car on the gravel as it swishes up to one of the garages and parks. My stomach starts an involuntary flutter. I hope to God that this is Hettie returning from her trip to Berkhamsted and not Tamara.
Heart in mouth, I hurry to the window in the hall and look out. When I see that it’s Carter’s car, my emotions are sent into a flat spin once more. Carter climbs out and I stand, frozen to the spot, as he marches briskly towards the front door. I can feel myself trembling all over, so I listen to his key in the lock when he lets himself in.
He looks up as he comes into the hall. ‘I hoped that was your car,’ he says. ‘I was sure it was.’
Before I can speak or move, he comes towards me and takes me into his arms. His mouth is on mine, hot, searching. I want to pull away. I really do. My brain is quite happy to tell me that this is wrong, so wrong. But my body is convinced that it’s absolutely right, so right. I give in to the passion that has gripped my entire being and sink into Carter’s embrace, realising that resistance is futile. He kisses me long and hard and all sense of reason goes from my mind. If I’m honest with you, I feel so overwhelmed that my knees threaten to buckle and I don’t know how I even manage to remain upright.
When he eventually pulls away, leaving me weak and wanting more, he looks at me tenderly. ‘I didn’t think you’d come,’ he says. ‘I thought that you’d go home to Jim and never want to see me again. Have you brought your things with you?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘I… I… I’ve only come to see what the decorations look like.’
At that he checks himself. ‘The decorations?’
‘Yes.’
Carter laughs. ‘Who cares about the decorations? I want you here for Christmas. That’s all that matters to me.’
‘I’ve been trying to call you all morning.’
‘I know. I’ve been manic. First day back.’ He throws his laptop bag onto the nearest chair. ‘Then I spoke to Georgina when I was on my way back from London and she told me you were here.’ He grins and my insides turn to liquid. ‘My driver broke every speed limit going so that I could get back to see you.’
‘I didn’t know if you’d still want me.’
He looks deep into my eyes. ‘Of course I do. Why would you think that?’
‘I wasn’t sure if it was just because we were away in such lovely surroundings, in our little bubble. Then, when we got back to find Tamara waiting for you, I thought the situation might have changed.’
‘It hasn’t,’ he says. ‘Tamara stayed overnight – in the spare room – for the children’s sake.’ He sighs. ‘There’s no doubt that she misses them desperately.’
‘They miss her too.’ Eve’s letter to Father Christmas couldn’t have stated that more emphatically.
‘I know. That tears me up inside,’ he admits. ‘But too much has gone on between me and Tamara for us to ever go back. This isn’t the life that she wants. She’s never happier than when she’s embroiled in her business or jetting off to the States. Tamara doesn’t want to be stuck at home with the kids. Or with me. She’d go insane.’ He glances forlornly round the hall of their mansion. ‘I’ve realised that I want someone to be here for the children, to make a proper home for them. You were so great with them on our trip that it really opened my eyes. I want you, Cassie. I want you here for the children. I want you in my life permanently.’
‘I can’t make such a big decision so quickly.’
‘In every business decision I’ve ever made, I’ve gone on nothing more than gut feeling. It’s the best way.’
‘This is an emotional decision about my entire future. It’s not business.’
‘It’s the same thing,’ he insists. ‘You know in your heart what’s right.’
‘I still love Jim,’ I tell him. ‘This has come like a bolt out of the blue, Carter. I can’t simply turn off my feelings for him.’
‘I still have feelings for Tamara too. Whatever our differences, she’s the mother of my children. We’ll always be connected.’
I don’t have that permanent link connecting me to Jim. If I walk away, I walk away for good. There’s no reason for us ever to see each other again. The thought makes my stomach go cold.
‘I can offer you all this,’ he says, gesturing around the house. ‘We don’t know each other that well, but I can tell already that we could have a great relationship.’
And that’s the rub, really, isn’t it? I hardly know Carter. I know that I like what I’ve seen so far, but Jim and I have a history. We’ve a love that’s built on a strong foundation. Our life together hasn’t always been easy – especially not the last year – but we’ve stuck together and have a bond that I’d always thought was completely unbreakable.
‘I need time to think,’ I tell Carter. ‘I can’t rush into this.’
He twines me in his embrace again and his hot, firm lips find mine. In his arms I lose myself once more. I feel like a different woman, not myself at all.
‘Take all the time you need, Cassie Christmas,’ he murmurs. ‘But you will be mine.’
Chapter Sixty-Four
I leave Carter and Randall Court, dazed. I’m not even sure how I drive home, but somehow I’m pulling up outside the flat. I park and then sit in the car for endless minutes, unable to move.
For the first time in my life I don’t want to go back into my own home. It’s a horrible feeling. Jim’s car is here, so I know he and the boys are in the flat. They’re also more than likely working on Christmas stuff for me and I’m so very grateful for that. But still I stay stuck in my seat.
Staring out of the window, I see nothing. I try to think what I want to do, but no obvious solution comes. All I have is a maelstrom in my head that’s paralysing me. Eventually, my phone rings and I manage to motivate myself to pick it up. Jim’s name is on the display.
‘Hi,’ I say softly.
‘You’ve been sitting in the car for ages,’ Jim says. ‘Everything all right?’
I look up and see that he’s standing at the living room window, looking down at me. He must have heard me pull up. He waves at me. I rouse myself to wave back. ‘Yes. Everything’s fine. I was just thinking.’
‘Why don’t you come and think inside?’ he suggests. ‘The kettle’s on. The lads and I have got something to show you.’
&n
bsp; ‘OK.’
My limbs are heavy, reluctant, but I make myself move and climb out of the car. The stairs make me feel as if I’m hauling myself up Everest, not just a couple of measly flights to the top floor of our block.
The door is already open when I reach the landing and, taking a deep and steadying breath before I do, I go inside. There’s clearly been a new delivery as boxes fill our tiny hallway.
‘What’s all this lot?’ I ask.
‘One of the companies – Evans – have dropped off their corporate gifts for wrapping,’ he says.
‘Wow. I didn’t think there’d be this many.’
‘It’s a big order,’ Jim says. ‘I can get the lads to make a start on it, if you want.’
‘Yes. Good idea.’ Both Jim and I can tell that I’m not the slightest bit interested in Evans’ corporate gifts.
‘Tea.’ He hands a mug to me.
‘Thanks.’
‘You seem distracted. Want to tell me what’s wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ I lie. ‘I’m fine.’
‘Come and look at this,’ he urges. ‘Close your eyes.’
‘I might spill my tea.’
‘Give it back to me then.’ Obediently, I hand it back and he puts down both of the mugs. ‘Close, close.’
I close my eyes. Jim takes me by the shoulders and steers me into the living room. I stub my toe on a box.
‘Oh, sorry about that,’ he says. ‘Open now!’
Opening my eyes, I see that, straight ahead of me, in the corner of the room a Christmas tree has been put up.
‘Oh.’ The tree is tiny, as befits the scale of our room, and is standing on a side table. Next to it Kieran and Andrew beam shyly.
‘The lads and I did it for you,’ Jim says. ‘To welcome you home.’
The meagre strings of lights draped around it blink hopefully. The decorations are pretty, if minute in size, clearly applied with the same meticulous care that Jim and the boys lavished on the resplendent trees at Randall Court. But its modest stature, its inadequate attempt to warm my troubled soul, to turn our rented flat into a haven of festive delight, pierces my heart with pain. My eyes fill with tears.
Jim is grinning at me too. My head spins. I open my mouth but nothing comes out. Now his face bears an anxious look.
‘I know it’s not much,’ he says. ‘We knew that you wouldn’t have much time to do it yourself and we thought the place needed a bit of Christmas cheer.’ The boys are also looking worried now. They glance nervously at Jim as I continue to stand and stare. ‘Do you like it?’
‘I…’ But before I can speak, my knees weaken and Jim catches me as I sink to the floor.
‘Hey,’ he says as he carries me to the sofa. ‘What on earth’s the matter?’
I’m crying now. Not silent tears, but noisy, distraught ones. They stream from my eyes and pour down my cheeks untrammelled. I can’t seem to stop them flowing.
Jim turns to the boys. ‘Can you give us five minutes on our own, lads? Maybe take a stroll down to the shop.’ He finds some cash from his pocket and hands it to them. ‘Get us all some nice biscuits.’
They look so confused and hurt, but I can do nothing to stem the flood. It feels as if every emotion I’ve ever experienced wants to howl its way out of me.
Jim takes me in his arms. ‘Hush, hush,’ he says. ‘Tell me what’s wrong.’
I sob against his chest.
‘Nothing can be that bad.’
Still crying, I look up at him. His kind eyes crinkle and that sets me off again.
‘You know you can tell me anything. I’ll understand.’
The thing that’s tearing me up inside is that he will. Jim will understand why I’m feeling like this. He always does.
He holds me tight and the feel of his chest is solid, comforting. Jim says nothing, but he rocks me gently like a child. Eventually, my tears subside until I’m sniffling pathetically.
‘Now can you tell me what’s wrong?’ He looks into my face. I don’t want him to see the deceit written there.
‘Carter…’ I say, forlornly.
His forehead creases into a frown.
I can hardly force the words out of my throat, my heart. ‘He wants me to leave and be with him.’
Jim takes a deep and steadying breath. When he speaks his voice is calm, level. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘I don’t know.’ Tears stream down my face.
His arms drop away from me and I sit back on the sofa, still snivelling.
‘Do you love him?’ Jim asks.
I put my head in his hands. ‘I don’t know that either.’
‘Are you…’ Jim’s shuddering exhalation shakes his body. ‘Are you having an affair?’
‘No,’ I say. ‘A kiss. Nothing more.’
I think of lying with Carter on our bed of reindeer skins at the Icehotel, him stroking my face, so innocent and yet so guilty. But when he kissed me just now at Randall Court, I wanted him to. I wanted him to so much.
‘I could give you a speech about staying with me, urging you to look at all that you’ll be giving up, but how can I?’ Jim holds out his hands to take in the flat. ‘Compared to him, what have I got to offer you?’
‘Don’t say that,’ I sniff.
‘You must have thought it too, Cassie,’ he says sadly.
‘I don’t know what to do,’ I cry. ‘Tell me.’
‘Stay,’ he says sadly. ‘That’s what I want you to do.’
If only it were so simple, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at all. I know that and Jim knows that.
‘Maybe I should go to Gaby for a few days,’ I suggest. ‘It’ll give me time to think.’
‘Don’t,’ Jim says. ‘If you leave, then I’m frightened that you won’t ever come back.’
‘My head feels as if it’s about to explode.’
‘You’ve had a wonderful time with him,’ Jim says, crouching down in front of me and putting his hands on mine. ‘I understand that. He’s a handsome bastard and a bloody millionaire.’ He runs his fingers through his hair, exasperated. ‘But think of all that we’ve got between us. We want to get married, start a family. That’s just around the corner, Cassie. Truly it is. Now that you’ve made such a success of your business, we can do it. If not next year, then soon. We’re so close. Don’t be in a rush to turn your back on that.’
Yet we’re not close. Not close at all. I want a wedding, a child, a home of my own. I want to be free from debt. I want a cupboard that’s not filled with Tesco Value products. We might be able to stretch to one of those things but we are a long way from achieving our dreams. Despite what Jim says, it could be next year, it could be the year after, it could be never. That’s the reality of the situation.
If I don’t get away to think about this, I know I will stay here. Part of me can’t bear to turn my back on Jim and all that we have together. He’s right about that. But I also know how different my life would be with Carter and if that sounds totally heartless and selfish, it also sounds very appealing. I wouldn’t have to work. I’d walk into a ready-made family. I could have children of my own, straight away, without having to worry where every single penny would come from. I could pay off my credit cards. I could have great, big, fuck-off, fancy Christmas trees. I could have everything that I could possibly want in my life. Apart from Jim.
‘Say something?’ Jim pleads.
‘I’m going to stay with Gaby,’ I say softly. ‘For a few days.’
‘Stay and talk.’
‘I can’t. It’s difficult with the boys here.’
‘Is that what this is really about?’
‘No, no,’ I insist. ‘They should stay. They need you.’
‘But I need you.’
‘It’ll just be for a short while,’ I promise. ‘I need to get my head clear.’
‘What can I say? What can I do to make you change your mind?’
I shake my head. ‘I’m going to get a few things.’
‘The lads will be
devastated too,’ he says. ‘They think you’re great. They need you too, Cassie. This is a critical time for them.’
But I feel that it’s a critical time for me too.
It would be so easy to stay. To stay in my life as I know it. Not to cause all this hurt. But would I come to regret it? Not now, not next year, but one day? When times are hard, when Jim and I are struggling to make ends meet? What if we need to find money to pay for IVF treatment? How would we do that? At what point would I look back and think, I should have left him for Carter? I don’t know.