They’re talking about me as if I’m not even here.
I cry out as the pain intensifies. “My chest.”
“Sweetie, take deep breaths.”
“I can’t … the pain. Oh my God. Make it stop! I can’t make it stop!”
“I need you to calm down so something doesn’t to happen to you!”
“What?” I croak.
I start to panic, so I put my hands on my knees and bend over, trying to get a breath. But it doesn’t come.
Am I going to end up like Amy? Holy hell. This is a fucking nightmare.
Fear. It’s all around us. It finds a way inside, lodging deep within, refusing to surrender. It latches on, following you on this path called life. The way it makes our bodies tremble through our core, perspire with one thought, or makes our hearts feel as if they’re coming to a standstill, causing all blood flow to rush from our head to our toes. It’s the one word that can instantly cause our breathing to become slow and labored, stirring up the worst emotions within.
Suddenly my chest becomes too tight to bear. My legs go numb and my arms feel weak. My heart is beating too fast and, no matter how much I pray for it to slow, and the tight pain to go away, it doesn’t.
I’m gasping for air. “My chest. It’s too tight.” I claw at my shirt, as if I could rip it off. The once soft fabric now feels like fire, burning away my flesh.
“Mom, I don’t think she’s okay!”
“Aundrea?!”
“I can’t breathe. My ... tight … the pain … it won’t stop. I can’t feel my arms, or …” Oh my God, this is it.
I fall to my knees.
“Is she having a heart attack?” Panicky, Genna stands and yells for my dad.
Every dream I’ve had, every sense of hope—everything I’ve feared is burning them away right before my eyes.
Death.
It’s easy to forget what matters most when you’re distracted by your deepest fear, which, in my case, is leaving behind everyone I cherish most. Sometimes it’s the most disturbing thoughts that tunnel their way to your core and hold on, no matter how hard you try to shake them.
The afterlife doesn’t scare me. The unknown can be magical when you really think about it. The beauty of possibility.
There are muffled voices around me, yelling and screaming, but my eyes are frozen. I can’t move my head to see who’s speaking. I can’t even be certain where I am at the moment.
I begin to feel like I’m floating and it’s then that I realize I’m being put on a stretcher. There are two men yelling. Why are they yelling? Are they yelling at me?
A cold rush of air startles me as a mask is put over my face. It’s the first time I get a deep, fulfilling breath since this all started.
“You’re going to be okay. Keep your eyes open for me, okay?” one of the men instructs, leaning close to my face.
I try to nod, but he shakes his head. “Don’t try to move.” I go cold, every limb gone numb. Then, pain.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much pain in all my life. It’s as if a hundred men are standing on top of me, stabbing my chest with razor-sharp knives. I swear, with each jab of pain I can hear the crack of the blades stabbing deeper inside of me, slowly ripping me apart. Then the pain pierces my heart and I cry out.
“Someone needs to call Parker!” Genna screams.
The men start running and I feel like I’m flying. The wind washes over me and it’s almost calming.
My surroundings go blurry as I’m lifted. Everything is happening so fast. My shirt is ripped open and freezing stickers are placed on my chest.
Cries fill my ears, drowning out the loud banging from the men moving around. I don’t know where I am, but when I hear my mom say, “Parker, its Aundrea. We’re going to the hospital,” I let my eyes drift closed and just pray the pain will stop. And that Parker will get to me before it’s too late.
“Well, Coco is looking good. I won’t need to see her back for another six months.” I give the black lab a small pat, then smile at its owner, Beth.
“Thanks, Dr. Jackson.”
There’s a loud knock on the exam door.
I open it to see a worried Shannon.
“Is everything okay?” I ask.
She pauses before speaking. “The phones are crazy this morning with Aundrea not here, so a few calls have gone to the answering machine. I just checked the messages and there were two, one from Aundrea’s mom and another from Genna.”
I push back the uneasy feeling. “And what did they say?”
“Donna’s said to check your voicemail. Genna’s message was screaming and very difficult to understand. She sounded scared.”
I push past her and run to my office. Shannon yells after me, “I was able to make out that you need to get to the hospital right now!”
I dash around the corner, grab my keys and cell phone, and run to my car.
“Parker!” Jason yells after me. “Genna called me. They’re taking Aundrea to the hospital. She thinks she’s having a heart attack.”
I don’t even stop to reply, just run as fast as I can to my car.
At the car, all the blood rushes out of my head and I’m so dizzy I almost fall forward. My tires squeal as I pull out, that I’m pretty certain I’ve burned rubber marks into the tar. Please let her be okay.
When I’m on the main road, I listen to the voicemail from Donna. It’s only then that I see all my missed calls. Fuck, Aundrea tried to call me! I wasn’t there for her.
Donna says, “Parker, its Aundrea. We’re going to the hospital. It’s her heart.” Her words are so frantic and her voice so worried that I drop the phone. I don’t wait to hear to the rest. I press down hard on the gas, but I’m still not going fast enough.
I need to get to her.
To be with her.
I need to make sure she’s okay.
Her face comes into view, fracturing my thoughts. The smile she gave me this morning. Fuck, I love her smile. Picturing her smiling face makes me think of our wedding day. How happy she was.
How happy we were.
I close my eyes, forcing myself to breathe slowly and deeply. When I open them, all I see is her. My breath catches in the back of my throat. Before me is the woman who has changed me.
I exhale.
She flashes me the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and all I can do is smile back. I can see the spark in her eyes even from this distance, and I swear everything around me just stopped. It’s like she’s walking in slow motion, with eyes only for me. She’s clutching her bouquet so tight her knuckles are white. She’s in the most beautiful pastel pink gown, and it makes her look like a queen. I can’t believe this woman is mine.
I give her a wink and she blows me a kiss. When I give her another smile, her whole face brightens. It makes my heart flip. She can bring me to my knees with that one look. The look that says she can’t imagine being with anyone else; she’s beyond in love with me; she was meant for me.
It’s the look of someone who is hopelessly in love.
There is no one else in the room. It’s only her and me, with our eyes locked on one another. I can feel the pull we have on each other us, drawing her closer to me like a magnet. Aundrea has awakened my soul. She’s the woman that I will spend the rest of my life with. The woman I will love indefinitely.
When she reaches me, Jay gives Aundrea a quick kiss on the cheek and releases her with a short sob. I shake his hand before I take hers, both of us still grinning.
“Hi,” I whisper.
“Hey there, handsome,” she whispers back.
She squeezes my hand, the light pinch letting me know that I’m not dreaming. That she’s here. That we’re here and we’re becoming one.
I don’t even notice the pastor has begun the ceremony until she says my name a couple of times. “Parker, are you ready for your vows?”
“Yes, yes, I am,” I say, dazed.
We decided to write our own vows. There are no words but our own—and I’m
still not sure they’re enough—to describe the love we share.
I watch Aundrea’s chest rise and fall slowly. She flushes and her eyes fill with tears before I even open my mouth.
I don’t release her hands, as I begin. “Aundrea, today I stand before you to make a promise. A promise to make you smile every day, to stand beside you and make memories with you, to love you, protect you, respect and support you, and honor you. You inspire me to be a better man and to be stronger. Your love is the reason I exist, and I will cherish it with all of my being and for all infinity, as time doesn’t end with us.”
Aundrea wipes at her tears, getting herself under control. I brush a few away with my thumb.
She clears her throat and swallows down the last of her tears before speaking. “You never backed down when it came to us. You fought for us, for our love and a life together. You are my love, my life, and my friend. You are my home. I make a promise to live for you, make a lifetime of dreams with you, and, more than anything, I promise to love you from here through eternity, for death will not separate us.”
No “until death do us part” for us.
When we’re announced Mr. and Mrs. Parker Jackson, Aundrea flashes me the same smile she did when she took her first step toward me down the aisle. I’ve waited to hear those words since I asked her to marry me and don’t wait even a second to kiss her. I scoop her into my arms and bring my mouth down on hers. Our lips move effortlessly, uniting us as one.
Forever.
This is the woman I will move heaven and earth for. I believe everyone is destined for one soul. My soul was destined to meet Aundrea’s. Our love was made for each other.
Pulling into the hospital parking lot, the realization of where I am comes back to me. I throw my door open and run through the emergency doors. I don’t even know if I parked in an actual parking spot, but I couldn’t care less at this point. I don’t even bother closing my door or shutting the car off.
The only thing that matters is getting to my wife.
When I see the emergency lobby I run to the desk.
“My wife, Aundrea Jackson. She was brought here.”
“Ok, sir, keep calm and I’ll look.”
Keep calm?! I scan the waiting room for Donna, Jay, or Genna, but don’t see anyone.
“Please! Can you hurry up! She was brought here a while ago. I need to see her! I need to be with her!” I yell at the poor woman and she presses buttons faster.
“I’m checking, sir, please calm down. I don’t want to call security.”
“Call them!” I threaten.
I know she’s doing her best, but I don’t know what’s going on and every second counts. “Please,” I urge.
“What did you say her name was?”
“Aundrea Jackson. March fourteenth—”
“Parker?”
I turn around to see Donna standing there.
“Donna!” I rush to her. “Where is she? What’s going on?” She doesn’t speak. “Donna!”
She flinches. “I don’t know.” She barely gets the words out. “They won’t tell us anything.”
I fall back and Jay comes out of nowhere, catching me.
“What happened?”
Donna pulls herself together. I can see the pain in her face, but she forces her words out. “She came home from Mayo after learning … hearing about …”
“Spit it out!” I’m not trying to be a prick, but need to know what’s going on with my wife. “What happened?”
Genna speaks up. “Amy died and Aundrea came over, hysterical. I think she had a heart attack?”
“What?” This can’t be happening. This isn’t real.
Jay steps forward. “The doctor on call paged Dr. James to come in. That’s all we know right now. They did an EKG in the ambulance, but wouldn’t tell me anything, no matter how much I pressed. As soon as we got here they whisked her away.”
Donna breaks into tears and Jay goes to comfort her. His own eyes are swollen.
“Nurse!” I yell, going back to the desk. “I need to speak with the doctor immediately.”
“Sir, if you take a seat I’ll let him know you’d like to speak with him.”
“What is it with this place? I don’t have any idea what’s going on with my wife—if she’s okay, or even where she is! I need some answers!”
“Excuse me, sir.” It’s a security guard.
Before I can speak a loud announcement comes over the intercom, “Code blue, ER room 3312. Code blue, ER room 3312. Anesthesia is needed to room 3312.” The loud voice repeats the code again and I turn around, looking for a door. A door to get me to the exam rooms.
When I see one, I run over to it, bypassing the security guard.
As I run, I look for room numbers, scanning them as fast as I can. A crew dressed in blue scrubs run past me and I follow.
I don’t have time to think or react. What I need is to be with her. I push all negative thoughts aside.
Voices yell behind me, trying to get me to stop, but I ignore them. Finding the room the staff went into it, I stop. I can’t see anything but nurses and doctors surrounding the bed.
“Push it to 300!”
“Clear!”
“Nothing. Push it to 350!”
The body in the bed jerks, and I brace myself in the doorframe, knuckles turning white from my grip. Everything around me stops. My vision is a blur.
My own breathing is labored.
I’ve watched her die one too many times already. I won’t allow that to happen now. I won’t watch her die!
“Sir! You can’t be here,” a nurse says, rushing toward me.
“No! Please! Please, she needs me! I need to be with her!” My voice cracks and I stop myself, realizing my words are from one of my own nightmares.
Oh. My. God.
This cannot be happening. I can’t be losing her. No! This is not how it’s supposed to be. We’re supposed to grow old together. Live a life together! And have this baby.
I drop to my knees.
The pain slices through me and I scream.
I feel numb for a second, then the pain cuts deep inside of me, throbbing with each word the nursing staff calls out.
“Parker?” My eyes fly open.
I whip around. Aundrea is standing behind me, next to two security guards. She’s in a white robe, clutching the fabric at her side with one hand while holding onto her IV pole with the other. Tubes are attached to her hand and snake underneath her gown.
Her face is blank and pale. She looks weak, but she’s still her.
“Aundrea?” My voice cracks. I blink a few times. Is this real? I look away from her and to the body on the bed before me. I don’t know who that is, but it’s not my wife.
I rush to her, tripping in the process. I land at her feet, clutching her legs and pulling her down to me.
The two men are saying something to me, but I don’t even hear.
“You’re okay?” I scan her up and down, searching for something to be wrong, but I don’t see it. She’s right in front of me. Alive.
“You’re alive.” A feeling of relief washes over me, followed by a wave of nausea. I think I’m going to be sick. “I thought—my God, Aundrea, I thought that was you.”
“Shh,” she says, pulling me to her.
I latch onto her robe, pulling her close so I can kiss her head, cheeks, eyes, nose, and mouth. I kiss every inch of her that I can reach.
“Aundrea, I need you back in your room. Now,” Dr. James says sternly from behind us.
“Sir, you can’t be back here!” the security guard yells.
“It’s okay. This is the patient’s husband,” Dr. James replies.
The men give me a stern look before turning away in a huff.
I wrap my arm around Aundrea, helping her back to her room and into bed.
Dr. James follows.
“What happened? Are you okay? They said they thought you were having a heart attack. My God, Aundrea, I was so worried.” I study her a
s I help her into bed.
“I don’t know.”
Turning to look at Dr. James, Aundrea’s hand in mine, I say, “Everything has been going well. I don’t … I don’t understand. What happened?”
“Everything is going well. It wasn’t her heart.” Dr. James says.
We both look at him. “What’s going on Dr. James?”
He addresses Aundrea. “Your EKG came back clear. The other tests were also negative. What you experienced was a panic attack. It’s common to get these mixed up because the symptoms are very similar to a heart attack. However, your family did the right thing by calling an ambulance. Especially given your state and your health.”
“She had a panic attack?” I confirm.
He nods. “Aundrea, I want to see you in my office in a week for a check-up. In the meantime, take it easy and rest. We’re going to hold you for the night, just as a precaution. You need to understand you’re at greater risk of having a heart attack due to your cardiomyopathy. Getting your heart worked up, like today, can send it into overdrive. It tries to catch up, pumping twice as fast, and that’s not good. Stress is not good for you. You need to find a way to keep yourself under control.”
Aundrea hangs on his words, nodding. A few tears slide down her cheeks.
“I’m going to change the dosage of your medication slightly, and give you a prescription for Ativan to help with the anxiety you’re having.”
I thank Dr. James and assure him we’ll schedule an appointment with him for next week.
When he leaves, I look down at my beautiful wife. The woman who means the most to me in the entire world.
“Aundrea?” She doesn’t answer me, so I say it again. I need to hear her voice. She needs to talk to me.
“Amy pa … Amy … She’s g-go-” She drops her head into her hands and cries.
I pull her into my side, holding her as tightly as I can. I rock us back and forth.
“I heard. Shh, it’s going to be okay. I promise, everything will be okay.”
“No. No! This is not okay.” She pushes out of my arms. “I hate the word okay at times like these! It’s clearly not okay!”
“Aundrea?” I reach for her, but she scoots out of my grasp. Moving around the cords connected to her, she moves to the other side of the bed. She holds her hands up to keep me away.