JASMINE: Wedgie, why won’t you learn a trick?
She sounds sad. Why’s Jasmine sad?
Hey, what’s that sound? It’s outside. I jump and jump and jump, but I can’t see. Jasmine picks me up and carries me to the window. I see Emily. And Funny Dog. They’re walking. How come Funny Dog gets to go for a walk? I wanna go for a walk. Emily waves. Jasmine opens the window.
EMILY: Hi, Jasmine. Did you see Pinkie’s new fancy crown? She got it at the beauty parlor yesterday.
JASMINE: The beauty parlor?
EMILY: Pinkie goes there once a week. That’s why she’s always so pretty. I bet she could win Prettiest Pet at the pet parade. Hey, do you and Wedgie wanna play?
JASMINE: Oh, no . . . we can’t. We’re super busy. Bye.
Jasmine closes the window. Emily and Funny Dog are walking away. Funny Dog shakes her head. Her funny hat falls off. Hey! I bark. Get your funny hat! But Funny Dog kicks her funny hat into the bushes. Then she keeps walking away. Jasmine puts me on the floor. Funny Dog gets to go for a walk. Can we go for a walk? Can we? Huh? But then I hear a real important noise.
The refrigerator door’s opening!
I run. I run as fast as I can, out of Jasmine’s room. I run down the hall. I skid across the floor on my belly. I land right in front of the refrigerator. Look at all that food. Do I see hot dogs? Yes, I see hot dogs. I LOVE hot dogs! Hey, the refrigerator door is open, but Mom’s way over there. Can I get one of those hot dogs? I stand on my back legs and stretch my neck. I stretch and stretch. I got one!
MOM: Wedgie! Bad dog!
Uh-oh. Mom wants my hot dog. But it’s mine. I run as fast as I can. I run down the hall. I run into Elliot’s room. The hot dog belongs to me! I crawl under Elliot’s bed. I’m gonna use my superpower of hiding.
JASMINE: Elliot, can I talk to you?
ELLIOT: I guess.
JASMINE: Wedgie won’t learn any tricks so I have to try something else. Do you think he could win Prettiest Pet?
ELLIOT: I don’t know. He stinks real bad.
JASMINE: Pinkie went to a beauty parlor, and she looks pretty. And now Emily thinks she’ll win Prettiest Pet. Maybe I’ll take Wedgie to the same beauty parlor, and he’ll be even prettier!
ELLIOT: But wouldn’t that be copying? You got mad at Emily for copying you.
JASMINE: Why should I care about Emily’s feelings if she doesn’t care about mine?
ELLIOT: But isn’t your friendship more important than winning?
JASMINE: Emily copied me first. And maybe I don’t want to be friends with her anymore. Come on, Wedgie, we’re going to the beauty parlor.
ELLIOT: Can I bring Gizmo, too? He loves getting a bath.
I hear footsteps. I see Elliot’s feet and Jasmine’s feet. I see Mom’s feet. Hands reach under the bed. I scoot backward. They want the hot dog. But this is my hot dog. I LOVE this hot dog!
I dart across the room. I run down the hall. I am Super Wedgie, and no one can catch me! I run into Abuela’s room. I slip under Abuela’s bed. I am the best hider!
Oh no, here they come. They reach under the bed. I growl. My hot dog! Mine!
I AM BUSY WITH MY LATEST EVIL PLAN, WHICH I call Operation: Shrink My Archenemies. I am sitting on the floor, in front of Maytag Dryer. Spread before me is my drawing of the steps I will take to lure Thorgi and the Toof into the Shrinking Machine. I must be careful that this drawing does not fall into the wrong paws. But I can show you, dear reader. Here it is. Do you see how I called upon the laws of physics and mathematics? I am such an amazing artist!
I am about to check the measurements for Maytag Dryer when Thorgi bounds into the room. I scowl at him. Why is he here? My trap is not yet set. Does he suspect my plans to vanquish him? He has come to spy on me! He wants to steal my drawing and show the humans.
I quickly slide the paper underneath Maytag Dryer. Then I prepare myself to be sniffed all over by dog nose. But he does not sniff me. He is more interested in a piece of food, which he begins to devour.
Canines have the worst manners I have ever seen. Do they even chew? I think not. They do not use napkins, either.
But now the girl is here.
JASMINE: Come on, Wedgie. We’re gonna make you all pretty so you can win Prettiest Pet. You’re gonna have a bath!
As Thorgi is being carried away, a piece of food falls from his mouth. It smells disgusting. How can he eat such things? I would never eat meat. I am a vegetarian of the highest standards. But even though the morsel is revolting, I realize that fate has presented me with a gift. Here is the food that Thorgi cannot resist. Here is my bait.
Operation: Shrink My Archenemies has begun!
I open my Polar Expedition Rucksack and take out a piece of string and a small rock. I tie the string around the rock, then I toss the rock upward. It sails through the handle of Maytag Dryer and back to me. With both ends of the string in my paws, I pull with all my Evil Strength. Maytag Dryer opens. Step one is complete!
Next, I remove a band from my rucksack. It is an object that Jasmine uses to tie back her hair. I will use it as a sling. I set the piece of meat product into it and pull back. Thanks to my extraordinary aim, the morsel flies right into the dryer.
Too bad there is not an Olympics for cavies. When I become King Gizmo, I will start one. Gweneviere, my future queen, will win the gold medal in wheel waddling. And I shall win the gold medal for everything else. I am pleased with my progress. Step two is complete!
On to step three. I must reach the top of Maytag Dryer, for that is where the Start button lies. This will not be an easy feat. It will take courage and skill. The risk of falling is great, but I refuse to let fear stop me in my quest. How amusing it will be to see Thorgi shrunk to the size of a tick. Won’t he be surprised? Muh-ha-ha!
I reach into the rucksack and pull out a rectangular object called chewing gum. I will chew this gum until it becomes sticky, then I will apply it to my paws. The sticky quality will allow me to climb Maytag Dryer in the same way a tree frog climbs a tree.
Then, once I am at the top, I shall wait for Thorgi. He cannot resist food, so he will soon return for his meat morsel. Once he has jumped into the Shrinking Machine, I will push the Start button.
Then I will repeat the process with the Toof!
As I begin to unwrap the chewing gum, Elliot enters.
ELLIOT: Gizmo, what are you doing in here? I’ve been looking all over for you.
DAD: Why is there a piece of hot dog in the dryer?
JACKSON: Don’t look at me. I didn’t do it.
ABUELA: The cavy put it in there.
ELLIOT: How could Gizmo get a hot dog into the dryer? He can’t reach that high.
ABUELA: He is a little evil genius.
Before I can start chewing, Elliot lifts me and walks toward the front door. Hold on! There is nothing on my appointment schedule about taking a journey today. I did not agree to this.
Put me back! I squeak. But alas, we are heading toward the automobile. And now we are inside. The canine is here, too. Why is he whining and shaking?
This interruption could not have come at a worse time. I was so close to achieving my goal. But now Operation: Shrink My Archenemies is delayed. I shake my fist and squeak. Wherever we are going, there had better be a lovely four-course lunch set out for me, or I will get very grumpy and start biting.
I curl into a ball and close my eyes for my pre-lunch nap.
WHEN I AWAKE FROM MY PRE-LUNCH NAP, I find that Elliot is still holding me, but we are no longer in the car. We are standing in front of a store.
Elliot carries me into the shop. Pardon me? This is an outrage! I do not need to be beautified. I am already a specimen of utter loveliness. My fur is spectacular. My teeth are polished. And my rump is sparkly clean. How can you possibly perfect that which is already perfect?
A horrid whining sound fills the room. The girl tugs on Thorgi’s leash.
JASMINE: Come on, Wedgie. It won’t be so bad. They’re gonna make you be
autiful.
I smile smugly. Why, of course. This field trip to the beauty parlor is for the canine, not for me. Finally those humans are going to do something about his appearance. His fur is always a mess and that ragged cape is out of style. Whoever told him that red is his color was seriously mistaken.
Jasmine pulls him inside, then quickly shuts the door. Thorgi is still whining. What is it, exactly, that frightens him? I must know!
LADY: Welcome to Pretty Paws. How may I help you?
JASMINE: Can you make my dog look pretty? Really pretty? So we can win the Prettiest Pet trophy?
LADY: Of course we can make him pretty. Our doggie dream special includes shampoo, conditioning and detangling, nail trim, nail polish, tooth cleaning, and ear cleaning.
JASMINE: That sounds great.
LADY: And what are we doing with the guinea pig?
ELLIOT: Gizmo and I don’t care about the contest. I just brought him because he really loves taking a bath.
LADY: Of course. We have little tubs right over there.
Elliot sets me onto a counter and begins to fill a tub with water. I clap my hands with glee. How wonderful! I do so love baths. Elliot puts a little cap on my head, to protect my ears. Then he sets me into the tub. The water is neither too hot nor too cold. He takes a little scrub brush and washes my tummy. He is such a good servant. I have trained him well.
You might be surprised to learn this, dear reader, but we cavies are excellent swimmers. When I was a pup at Swampy’s Pet Shop, I would practice in the goldfish tank. Even the fish were in awe of my backstroke.
Splashing and howling interrupt my peace. I peer over the edge of my tub. Thorgi is in another tub. He is trembling and squirming. What is the matter with him? Now he is running across the store, trying to escape. He leaves trails of water wherever he goes. He darts under a table, overturns a display of leashes, then slides across the floor and careens into a stack of towels. What a mess he is making. Elliot’s father carries him back to the tub. Then Jasmine sprays water on him, and he whimpers. Is it true? The great superhero Thorgi is afraid of water? How pitiful.
I am fluffed with a towel. My glasses are cleaned. I lie on a cushion and stretch out my paws. The nice serving lady clips my nails and buffs them. I smile at Elliot. He brought me here because he knows that soon I will be King Gizmo, and he wants me to look my best. When I am king, I shall erect a statue in Elliot’s honor.
Thorgi has stopped whining. He is dried and brushed and seems happy to be out of the water.
LADY: As a final touch, we give our clients a tiara or a bandana.
JASMINE: Ooh, I’ll take a red bandana. That’ll look great on Wedgie.
What have we here? The lady is holding a tiny crown in her hand. For me? Finally! My crown has arrived. I reach out and grab it. Then I plunk it onto my head.
It fits perfectly. I admire my reflection in the mirror. How regal I look. How handsome. King Gizmo has arrived.
IT’S OVER. THE BATH’S OVER. WHY DID THEY do that to me? Why did they put me in the water? That felt bad. Really really bad. I shake off the water. I shake and shake until I’m dry.
Now I feel good. I feel bouncy. I’m so happy. I’ll never have to take a bath again!
DAD: Wow, Wedgie looks great.
JASMINE: Do you think he’s prettier than Pinkie?
MOM: He’s pretty in his own way.
JASMINE: But do you think we have a chance to win Prettiest Pet?
DAD: Of course you have a chance.
JACKSON: Wedgie smells like a flower.
Hey, what’s this around my neck? I don’t like this new thing. Where’s my cape? I shake and shake until the new thing falls off. Good-bye, new thing.
MOM: You know who might win Prettiest Pet? Gizmo. He looks so glamorous in that tiara.
JASMINE: Oh no, you’re not going to enter Gizmo in the contest, are you?
ELLIOT: I told you guys, I don’t care about those contests. Neither does Gizmo.
JASMINE: Phew! You hear that, Wedgie? We still have a chance.
We’re home again. I’m so happy to be home. I don’t like that bad place where they make you take a bath. But I LOVE home. I jump out of the car. Brutus is lying on the other side of the fence.
Hey, Brutus, I bark. Don’t ever go to that bad place where they make you take a bath! Brutus doesn’t say anything, but I know he’s happy I warned him. That’s what I do. I’m Super Wedgie, and I protect my family and my friends.
I’m about to run into the house when I smell something. I turn in circles, sniffing and sniffing. Oh look, the stinky old slug is still here. I LOVE that stinky old slug. I’m gonna roll all over it so I can be stinky too.
JASMINE: WEDGIE! NOOOOOOOO!!!
TODAY IS TUESDAY, WHICH MEANS . . . DRUM roll, please . . . this is the day I receive my Drone of Destiny. The mail delivery human always arrives sometime between mid-morning nap and post-lunch nap, so I may have to wait awhile. But do not worry. I brought snacks. An Evil Genius always has snacks. I squeeze beneath the window and sit on the sill, watching for the brown truck.
The sun is shining. The neighborhood is quiet. Most of the human children are at school, hoping to become geniuses like me. Even Thorgi is quiet. He lies in the grass, staring through the fence posts. What is he staring at? I stretch to get a better view. A pink snout and two beady black eyes are looking through the fence posts across the street. Thorgi whimpers. Why are Thorgi and the Toof separated? Whatever the reason, this is a welcome turn of events.
MOM: What’s wrong with Wedgie?
JACKSON: He’s sad. He wants to play with Pinkie the Toof.
MOM: Oh dear. Well, Jasmine and Emily seem to be in some kind of fight. It’s too bad. I hope they figure it out.
As I nibble on a celery stick, I ponder yesterday’s events. It is true that Operation: Shrink My Archenemies did not come to fruition. It was interrupted by an unexpected trip to the beauty parlor. Whilst I was annoyed by this detour, it turned out that Elliot took me there so he could bestow me with my crown. He wants me to look my best when I introduce myself to my future Cavy Horde. What a loyal servant.
But today I must keep Thorgi and the Toof from intercepting my delivery. Thus, I sit and wait.
The day is most pleasant. The sun is shining. Flowers are blooming. As I nibble, a brown truck stops at the curb. A woman jumps out. She is carrying a package. My heart doubles its rhythm. Can it be?
She opens the gate and walks toward the front porch. I pull my Barbie Binoculars from my Polar Expedition Rucksack and peer through the lenses. I spy a Gadgets and Gizmos logo on the box. I hop up and down with excitement. My Drone of Destiny is here! Oh glorious day!
But my excitement is quickly dashed, for Thorgi has jumped to his paws and is barking at the mail delivery person. What dastardly deed is this? He runs around and around the woman’s feet, trying to trip her.
Once again I have underestimated Thorgi’s cleverness. I thought he was being lazy, but he was lying in wait to intercept my Drone of Destiny and bury it in his hole. Curse you, foul beast!
Shall I fling myself upon him and bite him on the nose? That would teach him a lesson. But from my perch on the windowsill, I am too far away. So I must do something else. The mail delivery person stops walking as Thorgi circles her. She is trapped! I quickly shuffle through my Polar Expedition Rucksack, looking for a means to stop my canine enemy.
Aha! I wrap my paw around a granola bar that I was saving for my air travels. I find another hair band. These should work perfectly.
I make a mental map in my head.
I remove the wrapper, set the granola bar into the band, take aim, pull, and . . . release!
The granola bar soars through the air. I clap my paws. The anticipation is almost too much to bear.
The granola bar sails over the grass . . .
bounces off a tree . . .
and hits the mail delivery person right on the head.
Oops.
Did I miscalculate?
That is not possible. My aim is always true and swift. A gust of wind must have interfered. The mail delivery person rubs her head. The bar is stuck in her hair. She reaches up, grabs it, and tosses it aside. Thorgi stops barking. He turns and chases after the snack. My Evil Plan worked after all!
The mail delivery person walks up the front porch and hands the package to Elliot’s father. I am breathless with joy.
DAD: Abuela, you have a delivery.
ABUELA: It’s not for me. It’s for the cavy.
DAD: You bought something for Gizmo?
ABUELA: No, he bought it for himself. He used my credit card.
JACKSON: Bad Gizmo.
DAD: It’s a drone! Abuela, why would you order a drone?
ABUELA: I didn’t. Why does no one believe me?
MOM: A drone is way too dangerous for the kids. I really think you should send it back.
My Drone of Destiny is here. Now I must pack for my flight. I squeeze back under the windowsill and scurry to my Eco Habitat. Before she moved to the Land of Goodwill, Barbie left a lot of equipment behind, some of which I have placed in my storage chamber.
I sort through the pile and find a pair of pink aviator goggles to protect my eyes from the wind, a pink scarf to keep my furry neck warm, and a water bottle to keep me hydrated. I find a nice array of snacks in my food chamber—sunflower seeds, timothy hay pellets, and some Cheerios.
I feel giddy with excitement. I am about to take flight! I am about to find my Cavy Horde!
But perhaps I should first take a nap. Yes, a nap is exactly what I need. Then I will set forth. An Evil Genius cannot form an Evil Horde without a good long nap.
THE SCHOOL BUS IS HERE. ELLIOT GETS OUT. He pets me. Jasmine gets out. She pets me. Everyone is petting me. I turn in circles. I’m so happy! Emily gets out. Hi, Emily!