“I’m very capable,” I said.
“I have no doubts regarding your capacities, dear. The men, on the other hand, are my concern,” he said as he reached for the sandwich.
I rubbed my temples with my hands and stared mindlessly at the wall.
“What are you thinking?” he asked as he bit into the corner of the sandwich.
I tilted my head in his direction, lowered my hands into my lap, and sighed.
“I love them both. I think I’m going to tell them and see what they say,” I responded.
“My advice is this. Tread lightly and proceed with a willingness to listen, speak, and listen a lot more,” he said as he took another bite of the sandwich.
“Okay,” I breathed.
“I’ll say this,” he said as he finished his sandwich.
“If you care for them as well as you care for me, this just might work.”
“Thank you,” I said as I stood.
I walked around the table, leaned over, and kissed his cheek.
“Now go,” he said as he reached up and hugged me, “Tell them how you feel. And remember, use patience and listen more than you speak.”
The thought of telling Ethan and Cade how I felt excited me and made me feel ill at the same time. To have them both in my life, in any respect or manner, would make me feel as if I was the richest girl in the world. To lose either of them or potentially lose them both would make being homeless seem like a blessing.
“Okay,” I responded, “Do you need anything else before I go?”
He shook his head, “You’ve given me all I need for the day, Rain.”
“You don’t need me to come back tonight?” I asked.
“I need you to get some sleep,” he responded.
“Trent,” I said as I walked to the door.
“Yes,” he responded.
Extremely tired from my lack of sleep, I hesitated, trying to think of a way to thank him for what he had done. I felt so much better after hearing what he had to say, but I felt I needed some time to digest it all. Having Trent in my life was a blessing in itself. As I stood and contemplated what to say, he broke the silence.
“I love you, too, Rain,” he said.
Holy cow.
I turned to face him, opened my mouth, and was unable to speak. Slowly filling with emotion from his unsolicited expression of love, I realized he was the first person in as long as I could remember who had made such a statement. The best part about it all was that I knew he meant what he said with all of his heart. My mouthy still agape, I knew speaking was out of the question.
Instead, I raised my hand to my face and blew him a kiss.
I love you too.
CADE
The day was filled with promise. The sun hung high in the sky as I drove home from the shops at Bradley Fair. An early release from my office was always well received, and today I felt it was not only deserved, but timed perfectly.
I glared at the strangely threatening old man in the Volvo station wagon beside me at the stop light as if there was something I could do to intimidate him. His face, covered in sun spots and a few days growth of gray beard may have seemed harmless to most observers, but to me something about him seemed evil. I wiggled in my seat nervously as I waited for the light to change, hoping he didn’t get out of his car and make a scene. I grinned and pressed the gas pedal to the floor as the light switched to green, knowing his two decade old Volvo was no match for my new BMW.
Haha, asshole, I win.
My level of excitement was elevated and my heart was full of love. Rain had quickly not only become the object of my desire, but my only desire. Nothing at this point mattered more. I felt as if I could be happy with her anywhere. If I were to become jobless and homeless I would be happy if I had her in my arms and against my chest. She provided me a sense of accomplishment and feelings of worth I had never felt, and I knew in her absence I would return to the insecure sissy I had lived my life as before I met her.
I had rehearsed what I wanted to say for days, and even doing it in front of the mirror made me feel uneasy. After an evening prayer and a morning hug when I went to work, I gained confidence, and felt all would eventually be okay. As a result, my day proceeded to be splendid. As I pulled into the covered parking, I was unable to contain my grin for what I suspected would possibly be the best day of my life.
I grasped the bags and walked to the elevator, singing Don’t You Want Me by The Human League under my breath as I proudly took each step. My mood brightened even more as the elevator door opened and I realized I was able to ride up alone. Not much at all bothered me much more than uninvited guests in my elevator.
I timed my arrival the best I could to escape Rain and Ethan. In time, they would both find out my day’s adventure and my plan, but until it was time, I found it best to keep everything a secret. Surprises are always more fun when they’re a surprise.
Nervously, I quickly glanced around the hallway as the elevator door opened, making certain the coast was clear. As the comfort of solitude filled me, I skipped down the corridor and to the doorway of our loft. A quick key in the lock and a twist of the handle, and I was at my final destination, safe and secure.
Full of passion, I ran to my room and released the bags onto my bed. After separating the items carefully into piles, I grinned at the thought of it all. My overbearing mother and her OCD sister would be proud of me when the time came, and it was coming like a speeding freight train.
I rolled up my sleeves and collapsed onto the bed on my back, second guessing exactly what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. As the door opened and I heard Rain walk in, my face immediately went red, and I felt flush. I sat up and peered through the door.
There she is, Miss America…
“Hi.”
“Oh, wow. I didn’t expect you to be home.”
“I got off early. We won the proposal.”
“That’s exciting. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you. I got a huge bonus.”
“That’s exciting too. Well, you earned it.”
“I like to think so.”
I turned into the room and excitedly gathered the boxes. As I walked into the living room, Rain’s eyes expressed the surprise I had hoped for. She knew the items were for her, and seeing her face alone was worth it all. One of the boxes was wrapped, and the others were nothing more than ornate gift boxes.
“I don’t want to hear complaints, well unless something’s not suitable or the right size. I think I did well. I’m going to sit here and watch, and you stay there until you’re done, okay?”
“You didn’t…”
“I did.”
“Do we agree?”
“Okay, I guess so.”
I placed the boxes in front of her and sat down on the opposite couch and crossed my legs in wait.
“Here, just open them one at a time.”
“They’re all for me?”
“Yes they are. Open them.”
Boxes stacked six high in front of her, she stared down at them, covered her mouth, and after a long pause, pulled the top from the first box in the stack.
“Oh my God. A dress.”
“It’s orange. Your favorite color.”
“I love it. It’s beautiful.”
She stood, holding the dress in front of her. Her eyes glistened as she grinned from ear to ear. After setting the box aside and laying the dress beside her on the couch, she opened the lid to the second box.
“A pair of summer shorts with holes already in them. They’re so cute.”
“Do you like them?”
“No, I love them.”
She lifted the third box. As she did, wonder washed over her face. Her eyes narrowed as she studied me for a moment. After lifting the lid from the box, she rifled through the paper and removed the certificate. As she lifted the paper and began to read, I eagerly rubbed my sweaty hands against the thighs of my jeans.
“A complete make-over? Are you se
rious? Cade, it says a haircut, color, nails, massage, and a facial. Oh my God.”
As she stood from the couch, she began to cry.
“No. No. Please. Don’t cry…”
“I just…I can’t…Cade, this is too much…”
“There’s nothing I can give you that will ever be enough. Please, continue.”
I stood from my seat and approached her with open arms. As I held her in my arms, the soft crying finally withered into a few short unscheduled breaths. After a few moments, she kissed me, released me, and sat down. I returned to my seat and waited for what little remained. After carefully folding the certificate and placing it beside her on the couch, she reached for the fourth box. After shaking it and grinning like a child at Christmas, she tore through the paper and lifted the lid.
“A new pair of shoes! I knew it from the size and the way it rattled.”
“Just like your others. But no holes or stains.”
“Holy cow. This is crazy. I need these so bad. Oh wow.”
She quickly removed her shoes and slipped the new shoes onto her feet. After standing, bouncing in place, and taking a lap around the couch, she sat and stared down at the shoes.
“I’m in shoe heaven. This is perfection.”
“Two more. Keep going…”
She opened the fifth box and stared inside. After reaching inside and moving things around, she lifted a pair of the panties and shook her head.
“Much needed underwear and bras. Thank you.”
“I took the liberty of checking the size of your bra while it was hanging to dry, sorry.”
So far, things had gone extremely well. She did nothing to hide her excitement, and seeing it as she opened the boxes was one of the greatest gifts she could ever give me. Rain wasn’t only a special and very unique woman, she had quickly become the most important person in my life, giving me hope for the future, and allowing me to see life well beyond today. With her in my life, I had only one concern.
Pleasing her at any and all costs.
I clasped my hands together, knowing what the last box contained. To me, it was the most important of them all, hence the placement on the bottom of the stack. It was an object she should be able to enjoy for a lifetime. A simple reminder of when life for us began - a period of time stolen from our lives, captured, and kept forever - carefully tucked away safe from any and all harm.
She lifted the last box. Her face filled with wonder. She shook it.
“Be careful.”
She lowered the box onto her lap and removed the top. After separating the tissue paper, she lifted a smaller box and pried the lid open. Carefully, she reached into to the box and removed the locket, holding it close to her face.
“Open it.”
“It’s precious.”
I nodded my head. Although it needed no explanation, I felt compelled to do so.
“The three of us.”
She gazed down at the locket for a long moment.
“It was the day we met. I had it enhanced, reduced in size, and antiqued. The two loves of my life.”
She glanced up from studying the locket and began to cry. I stood from my seat, walked to the sofa, and sat down beside her. As she continued to stare blankly into her hand at the open locket, the crying continued.
And try as I might, I could do nothing to comfort her.
ETHAN
A record setting shitty day at work had me second guessing my need to continue working with Jake. Even though he had yet to mention Rain since our incident, his mouth, attitude, and constant complaints were almost more than I was able to take. After an eight hour day of his antics, the frustration he added to my already annoyed state of mind was enough to cause me to leave and consider never returning.
On my ride home I realized a good deal of my frustration was a result of disappointment in myself for not properly approaching Rain regarding my true feelings. For me to kiss her without warning was not only selfish, but inconsiderate and childlike. I felt a need to apologize, take a few steps back, and ask her if she had interest in going on a conventional date with me.
Based on the time we had spent together and the way our personalities complimented each other¸ I suspected she would agree to the offer, and in time I would be able to make up for what little damage I may have caused by my thoughtless behavior the day of the poker run.
As I rode through town, I fully realized it was in my best interest to move forward with my plans promptly, and that I had become my own worst enemy at work. Admitting my mistakes was the first step toward being able to make adjustments in my life, and in doing so, I had to admit most of my problems of late with my attitude were my own fault.
Jake would always be Jake, and he was really no different than he had always been. His characteristics I once found entertaining I now found annoying, and the annoyance ground on my nerves like a barking dog or a blaring car horn. Me making amends for my own mistakes should allow me to continue along the same path I had been on for years, and do so without my continued feelings of hatred toward Jake.
After I parked the bike in my space in the garage I didn’t immediately get off and go inside. As I sat on the bike and listened to the ticking sound of the exhaust cooling, I considered my not having asked Rain on a date was possibly a result of two very likely subconscious thoughts or feelings.
To ask Rain on a date would be to truly let go of Chloe, and admit I had failed in my relationship with her. To proceed with Rain would require my release of Chloe and the thoughts and feelings associated with her. As much as I previously told myself I was over her, I now sat on my bike and wondered just how accurate the statement had been in the past.
Additionally, if I asked Rain on a date I would need to be totally honest with her. In advance, I would need to tell Rain my shortcomings, my strengths, and my true knowledge regarding my separation from Chloe, and allow her to make an educated decision regarding her desire or lack of desire to proceed with me. If she denied my request after my speech, it would add to my suspicion that there were things about me that I may never be able to recover from, things no woman would ever want to contend with.
As the ticking of the exhaust stopped, I focused on Cade’s car and smiled. The one constant in my life I gave very little thanks for, but truly admired for his stability and understanding. Although Cade wasn’t accepting of change, he was very understanding of me, my faults, and my propensity to procrastinate about everything. Prior to Rain’s arrival in our home, Cade and I spent many a night speaking of relationships, women, feelings, and heartache. His advice was always well received, even though I realized most of it came from no experiences of his own.
Cade’s admittance to me in college of his lack of experience with women initially caused me to wonder of his ability to assist me with my problems immediately following my divorce. His sound advice, thoughtful gestures, and willingness to listen further proved to me just how close of a friend he really was.
Often questioned by my longtime friends about my friendship with Cade, early explanations of our closeness was difficult for me to explain. Talking about it wasn’t easy, so I chose not to. Cade had become much more than the brother I once had, and confirmed through his actions as well as his words that his love for me was as strong as the love I had developed for him. Difficult to explain, but equally as difficult to deny, we had become as close over the years as two grown men could ever be.
My request for him to move into my loft after Chloe’s departure was the best decision I ever made.
As I continued to gaze at his spotless car, I laughed to myself at his OCD behaviors regarding cleanliness in our home. Virtually following me around with cleaner and a rag, without complaint, he had picked up or cleaned every mess I had ever made.
His agreeing to allow Rain to move into our home was a huge step for him, and although we spent no time discussing it afterward, I now realized it was a decision he made either for me, or out of the depth of his kindness, setting aside his quirks rega
rding change and cleanliness.
Either way, as I stepped off of my bike and sauntered toward the elevator, I decided I not only needed to apologize to Rain, I needed to apologize to Cade for my continued inconsiderate behavior.
As the elevator opened on the seventh floor, I took one step forward, stopped, and grinned. After pressing the buttons for floors 8 through 11 on the keypad, I closed my eyes, recalled the day I met Rain, and waited for the elevator to stop on each floor.
After stopping on the 11th floor, I pressed 7. As the elevator began to lower, I closed my eyes and prayed for the knowledge to find the right words.
Words which would, without a doubt, make all of the difference in the world to how my life would be lived from this day forward.
RAIN
I stuffed the remainder of the panties into my pack, pressed down on the canvas, and pulled the zipper closed. A quick survey of the room produced nothing more than two books and my locket. I glanced in the mirror, ran my fingers through my hair, and gazed down at the locket.
I hope you can bring me luck.
I draped the chain over my head, pulled the locket down into my cleavage, and gripped it between my thumb and forefinger. As I held it in my grasp, I closed my eyes, sighed heavily, and opened my eyes. I lifted the locket, flipped it open, and stared at the tiny photograph.
As a lump the size of a tennis ball rose in my throat, I closed the locket, slid it between my breasts, and pressed my palms into my thighs. After a few seconds, I bent my knees and lowered myself to the floor.
I couldn’t bring myself to choose between them.
As I sat crouched in an almost fetal position beside my pack, I knew leaving would be close to impossible, but if I couldn’t have them both, leaving them was my only option. After softly crying for what seemed like an eternity, I was exhausted.
I stood, wiped the tears from my face, and picked up my pack. In my mind, there was only one way this could work. After one last glance around the room, I pulled the pack over my shoulders, flipped out the light, and gripped the locket in my fingers as I slowly walked down the stairs.