“How can I even trust you anymore? You lie about coming out, you hide your paintings. Is there anything real about you? Do I even know you?”
“Don’t say that,” Tim pleaded. “You know me. You might be the only one, but you know me.”
“Well, maybe I don’t want to anymore.”
Tim let go of him. Ben slipped into his car and roared out of the parking lot.
* * * * *
He was done. Done with love, done with drama, done beating himself up for his own mistakes. He threw away the cell phone and the keys to Jace’s apartment. He would rather let Jace think he still believed he had been unfaithful than for him to know that the opposite was true. Allison, his forever friend, agreed to screen his calls. Tim called every day, and soon so did Jace with graduation looming.
He made sure to be away from home as much as possible, which was wise, because he once found a note from Tim taped to his window and a rose from Jace on his doorstep. Ben decided to go to Houston for the summer and figure out what to do with the rest of his life from there.
First he had to get through the graduation ceremony. Allison agreed to leave after both their names were called. Thankfully Wyman would be one of the last names called, so Tim couldn’t follow them out if he wanted to stay for his diploma. Tim’s calls were coming less frequently, so maybe he had taken the hint.
Ben’s dour mood faded during the ceremony. The stadium overflowed with the energy of new graduates who were both eager and reluctant to start new chapters of their lives. Ben was nervous when his name was called, proud when he took the diploma, and nostalgic on his way down the steps. He cheered when Allison’s name was called, and as soon as she received her diploma and left the stage, together they ran for the parking lot.
He saw Jace by the entrance, looking for him, but the exit was far enough away that they could escape without him noticing.
“Jace!” Allison shouted.
Ben stared in disbelief of her betrayal.
“It’s for your own good,” she said and smiled. “I’m going back to party.”
She left him there as Jace strutted over, looking sharp in his well-cut suit and holding a bouquet of roses. Ben wanted to say something meaningful, to apologize or simply say his name, but instead he started to cry.
Jace kissed him, and Ben kissed back, even though he knew he had no right. He blubbered embarrassingly until he finally managed to ask Jace to take him home.
“I thought I’d take you out to eat?” Jace suggested.
Ben shook his head as another wave of tears hit him. “I want to go home,” he said.
Jace made small talk in the car, and Ben did his best to respond, but it was hard. He wanted to be selfish and pretend that he hadn’t done what he had, but he couldn’t. Jace deserved to know the truth, even though it would mean the end of everything.
“I meant my home,” Ben said as they pulled in Jace’s apartment complex.
“I know what you meant,” Jace replied gently.
Ben felt as if he was saying good-bye to everything as he entered the apartment. He knew when he stroked Samson, it would be for the last time, and he couldn’t bear to think of all the other things he was about to lose. He had to tell Jace now while he still had the courage.
“I was with Tim. We slept together.”
Jace’s face was strained. “I figured. Got it all out of your system now?”
Ben nodded.
“Good.” Jace slipped out of his shoes and started working on his tie. Wasn’t he going to take Ben home? Or maybe he was expected to walk back.
“Don’t you want to get out of that doofy robe?” Jace asked.
“I don’t understand.”
Jace sighed. “My love for you doesn’t stop just because you make a stupid mistake. An extremely stupid mistake, I might add. I love you, and if you promise to trust my word in the future, then I’ll trust you again, too.”
The strange combination of laughter and tears and relief overtook Ben. Jace helped him out of his robe, took off his own jacket, and led him to the bedroom. Ben crawled into bed and Jace got in behind him, spooning himself against Ben’s back. They lay there for hours, taking turns holding each other while Samson purred contentedly at their feet.
Part Three:
Austin, 2003
Chapter Twenty-six
Falling in love is a subtle process, a connection sparked by attraction, tested by compatibility, and forged by memory. In this same manner, Austin had became a part of Ben and Jace’s life. They had dined in Austin’s restaurants, danced in its clubs, and lazed away more than one afternoon in its parks. Austin had everything they needed, and moving would mean leaving behind the backdrop to both good and bad times. Ben and Jace had fallen in love with Austin, and found, quite by surprise, that they were already home.
Allison was staying, too. She plunged into her career, not even taking a summer break. She got a job at a local shelter for teenage runaways, apprenticing at a mental health hospital in her spare time. There she met the man she would marry. Brian was a struggling alcoholic, and proving how strange love could be, Allison found everything she was looking for in him.
Ben didn’t have such instant success. He took most of the summer off, travelling occasionally with Jace and seeing brief glimpses of the country. He spent one month at his parents' house, the first proper visit with his family since he left for college. When he returned to Austin, he worked as a temp for a year, still uncertain of what he wanted to do.
Allison suggested a position at the hospital where she now worked. A part-time job as a speech therapist had opened there. Allison had enough influence that he didn’t even need to interview. Ben took the position to get away from menial temp work, and almost instantly found the job rewarding.
His clients were varied, to say the least. Some were accident victims who had lost their ability to speak due to physical or mental traumas. Others were stroke survivors, and occasionally he worked with children born with speech impediments. Ben enjoyed breaking the words apart to reshape and customize for each individual to say. For the first time in his life, he felt like he was doing something worthwhile.
Never one to leave things half-done, Allison found him another job to occupy the rest of his time. Brian, who by now had been sober for almost two years, was also part-owner of a dinner theater. There, a play featuring a few musical numbers was scheduled. Unlike speech therapy, Ben did not easily warm to this idea. He had no dramatic training and little urge to perform for an audience he imagined as a sea of bald and blue-haired heads.
He was certain he would turn down the opportunity, but then Jace switched to the international routes he had always wanted. Ben was happy for him but knew this meant even more time spent apart. Deciding it would help keep him occupied, Ben accepted a small role at the dinner theater. His first part only had a few speaking lines and one song; he was playing a poor street urchin who loses his life to the cold, harsh winter.
Everything changed the first night he stepped out onto stage. The magic of theater turned him into that urchin, and he sang with his entire soul. He received a standing ovation, and continued to with every performance. He never would have thought it possible, but he had fallen in love with theater and eagerly took on larger roles.
In what would have been spring break if he was still in college, four years after they had met, Ben and Jace went to Paris. They both knew what this meant, and the air was thick with anticipation as they both waited for the proposal. The moment came when Jace proposed to Ben during a breakfast in bed. He had hidden the ring in a French croissant, which made Ben laugh so hard that he almost couldn’t say yes.
Now the big day had come, and so far it was nothing like Ben had pictured it. Movies were full of grooms with cold feet, but Ben couldn’t be more ready. Choosing to spend the rest of his life with Jace was the easy part. Getting the wedding party organized while juggling the needs of guests wasn’t. Right now Ben was most worried about the tablecloths. Wind was picking up across t
he lake and threatening to send the table decorations flying through the park.
“I think we’re going to need some rocks,” Ben said.
“I know the caterers are running late,” Allison said drolly, “but I don’t think that’s a good solution.”
“Ugh, don’t remind me. Do you think I should run to the grocery store and pick up some veggie platters? Or a fun pack of Snickers at least?”
“Everyone is fine,” Allison said. “The food isn’t supposed to be served until after the ceremony anyway. If they’re still not here by then, we’ll order pizza.”
Ben looked to the pagoda they had reserved. White roses covered every inch of the wooden surface that wasn’t already awash in ribbons and balloons. Against the odds, he and Allison had managed to bring a garish amount of decorations together into a beautiful display. The thought of what was about to take place there distracted Ben momentarily from all that needed to be done.
He scanned the crowd until he found the only person dressed in a white tuxedo. More handsome than ever, Jace was surrounded by a gaggle of aunts and cousins, nodding pleasantly and smiling since they wouldn’t let him get a word in. He caught Ben staring and gave a helpless little shake of his head. Ben would have to extract him from his family if they were to ever get started.
“There’s the catering van,” Allison said. “No, you stay here. Brian!”
As usual, whenever Allison called, Brian responded. She may have found someone even more patient than Jace, because Brian seemed to be always running an errand for her or performing some task. The poor man was run ragged, but Brian had nothing but love in his eyes for Allison.
The wedding DJ’s speakers blared into life. Ben’s jaw dropped at the song that was being played. “That’s our wedding march! The idiot is playing it early.”
The next thing Ben knew, Jace was at his side and guiding him to the pagoda. The guests were scrambling for their seats, while Ben kept trying to protest that this was all in conflict with the schedule.
Then they were standing in front of everyone. Neither Ben nor Jace were particularly religious, so they had chosen to be married at a lake-side park rather than a church. The idea of having any sort of priest presiding over their ceremony didn’t suit them either, at least not at the time. Now Ben wished more than anything there was someone to guide their actions.
The song came to an end, and Jace began his speech. Ben only heard some of it, words like commitment and laughter, and something about growing old together, but the word that stood out the most was forever. No more uncertainty or wavering, no more lonely nights or pain. Just forever, with Jace.
At that moment Ben wanted nothing more. Ben had written a speech, and it was a good one too, but he didn’t have the patience for it now. He grabbed the rings set on a pedestal before them, shoved one into Jace’s hand, and kissed him.
After a surprised silence, the guests broke into applause and the DJ cued the next song. Ben had no idea what to do next, since he hadn’t planned this part, but Jace took him in his arms and began to sway to the music.
“So we’re married?” Ben asked, still not believing it.
“Yup,” Jace said.
“Simple as that?”
“Simple as that,” Jace laughed. “Just a promise and nothing more. Hard to believe that anyone makes a big deal out of it.”
“It is a big deal!” Ben protested, but this only made Jace laugh more.
As they danced, food was unloaded from vans, corks popped out of champagne bottles, and music was played, but it was some time before the newly married couple ended their embrace and walked hand in hand into a crowd of people who loved them.
* * * * *
The summer evening sky was clear, a gentle breeze keeping the temperature mild. On nights like this the theater was never filled to capacity. Ticket sales didn’t go down, but attendance did since not as many people showed up. Ben imagined audience members becoming distracted on their way to the theater, lured away by parks and riverside strolls.
Ben wanted to escape back into that summer night as well. He had already performed all but his final scene. He was playing the suitor of a powerful older woman. His character intended to marry the woman for her money but had inadvertently fallen in love with her, evidence of his once-greedy intentions coming to light just before the wedding. Ben’s last appearance in the play was a song to his lover, begging her forgiveness.
The usual terror and excitement stole over him as he returned to stage to begin his song. His fiancée rejected his apology as she did in every performance, leaving him alone on stage. Ben turned to the audience, the remaining lyrics those of remorse.
“Had I but known you when you were poor, had you but known me when I was pure.”
He swept his eyes over the audience, barely seeing them through his musical trance, but something pulled him back. A gaze more intense than others. Had the eyes been silver?
“If I could pull this love from my chest, leave you standing with all the rest.”
Tim. Ben was sure he was out there. Seeing the audience from the stage was never easy, but the shape of his face, the glint of those eyes. It had to be him. Ben wanted to step forward, out of the blinding spotlight, but he wouldn’t allow his voice to waver.
“But now there’s nothing left inside of me, just broken pieces no one can see.”
The lights faded, the entire theater in shadow. The applause made Ben flinch before a harsh whisper reminded him to return backstage. He waited in the wings as the rest of the play went on, squinting into the darkness at the figure he had seen, convinced at times that he had been mistaken. Then came the curtain call. Ben joined his fellow actors in their bows, impatient for the lights to rise so the audience could leave. By the time they did, the table was empty.
The next night was much the same. From his first line Ben’s attention was on the audience more than the play. The figure sat at a different table this time, but there he was, a solitary silhouette who never took his eyes off Ben, even when the lines weren’t his. Ben could see him a bit better at this new table, nursing a beer. Was that a cocky smile between swigs?
“Isn’t that right, Jacob?”
Ben’s imaginary fiancée put a meaningful hand on his shoulder.
“Y-Yes!” He scrambled for his line. “Yes, my dear, that is precisely what we shall do. Run away together, prove the nay-sayers wrong!”
He turned his full attention back to his acting, not looking at the audience again until his final song. He put all of himself into his voice, singing only to the table he could no longer see. I know you’re there, he wanted to communicate. I don’t know what you want, but please don’t run away.
When the lights came up at the end of the show, an empty beer glass was the only evidence that the table had been occupied.
* * * * *
“There’s someone waiting for you,” Brian said as Ben scrubbed the makeup from his face. “In reception.”
“Jace?” Ben asked, already knowing otherwise.
“No, but maybe I should give him a heads up,” Brian said, raising an eyebrow. “Whoever your mystery man is, he’s smoking hot.”
“Allison’s going to be sad when she finds out you’re crossing over,” Ben joked.
Ben didn’t hear Brian’s snappy comeback. His chest felt tight and his breath short as he hurried to make himself presentable. Was he excited? Nervous? Did he have a right to be either of these or was that the beginning of infidelity?
Steadying himself, he walked to the reception area, resisting the urge to run. Only one person waited there, and he was indeed breathtakingly beautiful. Silky blond hair framed his young face. His complexion was perfect, his mouth delicate and pink next to the black lip piercing. His blue eyes looked Ben over before settling into a scowl. The anger only accentuated his handsomeness.
“You’re Benjamin?” the boy asked.
“Ben,” he corrected, having already put the pieces together. This wasn’t good.
?
??So much for the legend.” The beauty faded momentarily, overshadowed by hate.
“And you are?”
“Ryan, Tim’s boyfriend.” He waited for a reaction, disgusted when none came. “What, he never told you about me?”
“I haven’t spoken to Tim in years.”
Emotions played across Ryan’s face—doubt, suspicion, sorrow. How young was he? Still a teenager, that was certain. Ben suddenly felt old. He thought back to his emotionally tumultuous adolescent years. What would he have wanted to hear if he were Ryan?
“You’ve got nothing to worry about,” he said. “I’m happily married. I’m not interested in Tim anymore.”
Ryan’s handsome visage returned to anger. “That doesn’t mean he’s not interested in you. I know he’s been coming here, so you can stop with the lies.”
Ben sighed. He wouldn’t be able to defuse this situation. Better to retreat and let them sort it out at home. “I have to go, but I hope you two work things out,” he said, turning to leave but stopping when he saw Brian standing in the doorway.
“Another one for you,” he said, looking concerned.
Tim stepped out from behind him. The last few years hadn’t been kind. He had circles under his eyes and stubble covered his chin. Even his once-invincible physique had grown paunchy. He appeared vulnerable and uncertain, until he spotted Ryan. Then his face became a mask of fury that Ben hadn’t seen since they parted as teenagers.
Oblivious of their surroundings, Tim and Ryan began shouting at each other. Ben stared in shock before shooing Brian away, promising to lock up. By the time he returned his attention to the conflict, Tim had grabbed Ryan’s arms and was shaking him and yelling. Ryan was alternating between crying and shouting back.
“Let go of him!” Ben growled, adrenaline taking over. “I said let go!” When neither man paid any attention to him, he pulled on Tim’s shoulder. Tim rounded on him, eyes blazing before his face crumpled.
“That’s right, show him how you treat me,” Ryan yelled, lifting the sleeves of his black concert T-shirt. His arms were bright red where Tim had gripped him, but there were also bruises. “Did he do this to you, too?” Ryan demanded. “Is that why you left him?”