It was never a question as to whether or not she loved Brian; the question now was, could she marry another man? Could she be happy with Chase, or was she settling like Brian had accused her of? Melissa wanted to stomp her feet and throw a fit like a child. She wanted a family. She didn't want to sleep alone anymore, or wake up alone every day for the rest of her life. She wanted to get pregnant and watch her tummy swell with a miracle she'd made with the man she loved. Her eyes filled with real tears now, and she had no control over them as she fought to keep from sobbing.
When the crowd cheered, she looked up to Johnny kissing Ali. Her eyes met Brian's, and his concern was clear. Melissa wiped her face and squared her shoulders in an effort to get herself under control, but she couldn't stop the constant flow of tears. The music started, and she stepped down, but her eyes were too blurry, and she couldn't see anything. When Brian grabbed her arm, she wanted to hit him and push him away, but he held her tight with one arm around her waist and one on her hand.
"Are you okay?" he whispered.
She violently shook her head, unable to talk. What had gotten into her? She couldn't stop crying, couldn't control the flow of tears. She took a deep breath and started counting, then another deep breath as he led her back down the aisle.
"Do you want me to take you home?"
"I don't want to go anywhere with you," she mumbled.
"What did I do?"
Melissa shook her head again and looked up at Ali who had turned to check on her once she entered the vestibule. Melissa plastered a smile on her face for Ali's sake.
"I'm fine. Don't worry about anything but your new husband," Melissa said hugging her.
"Nice try, but you're not fooling me," Ali said with flushed cheeks. She looked exactly like a new bride should look.
"Yes, I'm fine. Really." Melissa moved aside, letting Ali receive best wishes from her guests, and scurried to the bathroom, locking the door before succumbing to her misery. She didn't know what to do now. As much as she wanted a family, she didn't know if she could marry Chase. Did she love him enough? When a knock sounded at the door, she held her breath.
"Melissa, let me in."
"Go away, Brian," she said on a heavy exhale.
"No, let me in."
God, she hated him. She was marrying Chase. She will marry him and have lots of babies, and she'll be happy with her new family. Just like Brian was, and just like Ali was, too.
"Melissa, open the damn door or I'll kick it in." Melissa clicked the lock, and Brian slipped in quickly and locked the door behind him. "What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing! I'm happy. I'm happy for Ali."
"No. These are not happy tears."
"Go to hell. I hate you. I fucking hate you."
She pushed on his chest and lost her balance, her slick shoes slipping on the tile floor. Before she could hit the ground, Brian caught her and pulled her close.
"You don't mean that."
She shrugged out of his grip and turned her back on him. "Yes, I do."
Brian grabbed her and turned her back around. He gripped her face with his hands. "Why are you freaking out on me today?"
"Ali's pregnant!" God, she hated herself for wanting something so badly—badly enough that it pushed her into a commitment she knew wasn't right. "I'm never going to have that." She was so close to it, but, no matter how hard she tried to convince herself, she couldn't deny it wasn't the same. Melissa covered her face, her chest heaving so hard, she couldn't catch her breath.
"You'll have that one day, too, Lis." He pulled her to him and held on so tight, she couldn't wiggle her way free.
She didn't want his hands on her. She didn't want anyone to touch her. She never wanted to be touched again.
Brian gave in to her struggles and let go, but he cupped her face again. "Melissa, stop…"
She opened her eyes and saw the tears in his.
"I'm so sorry I've put you through this."
Melissa froze at the sight of tears pooling in his eyes. The look on his face, the expression of pure agony, must have mirrored hers. She wanted to turn away, but he slid his hands down to her neck and pulled her into a kiss so tender, she melted against him, moving closer and gripping his shoulders like a lifeline. A tingle of heat traveled up from her lower back until it prickled at the base of her neck. She couldn't do this with him. He'd surely destroy her this time.
Melissa pushed him away and turned quickly. "Get out."
"I can't leave you when you're this upset."
She wiped her face clean then turned to look at him, now angry that she had let herself fall apart in front of him. "I'm fine now."
"I want to talk. I have some things to say to you."
Melissa shook her head. "I don't…"
"Melissa, I want to talk," he said again.
"It's my sister's wedding day. I need to hold it together for a few more hours for her. Once this is over, I can think about everything else."
"Fine, I'll wait." He stared at her intently, and she fought the urge to cry again. "Are you sure you're okay."
"I'm fine. I just need to be here for Ali."
"Okay. I'll meet you in the limo."
When the door was locked behind him, Melissa looked in the mirror and audibly gasped at the sight. She wiped her face and patted at her eyes with a wet towel, hoping to get the puffiness down. Then she sat down on the toilet for a few minutes, taking several deep breaths before leaving the bathroom.
Chase was waiting for her in the vestibule. She nearly ran right into him as she rounded the corner. Everyone else had moved outside.
She smiled at him, but he didn't smile back. "It was beautiful wasn't it?"
He lowered his eyes. "Yes, very nice."
"I have to ride in the limo with the wedding party. I'll meet you at the reception."
"I thought I'd just go home."
"No, Chase, you can't leave. Ali will be disappointed."
"What about you?"
"I'll miss you terribly, too. I was hoping to dance with you." She tried a smile again, but it didn't work.
He lifted his head to look into her eyes. "Why are you upset?"
"I'm not upset. I'm happy for Ali. We found out this morning she's pregnant, but don't say anything. She hasn't told Johnny yet."
"Good for her. That explains the glow."
"She looked beautiful, didn't she?"
"She made it very easy for me to imagine you up there in a wedding dress." He finally gave her a faint smile.
She chuckled. "I couldn't have a better body double, could I?"
"I can't wait to see it."
"Melissa, time to go," Mark called from outside the church doors.
"I'll meet you there?"
Chase nodded reluctantly. She kissed his cheek and flashed him another smile before walking away.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ali had decided on The Vintners Inn for her reception. The Rosa Ballroom looked regal and elegant with huge bouquets of yellow and pink roses, each accented with huge white lilies. The lights were down, the room glowing with candlelight. It was definitely the most romantic and formal New Year's Eve party Melissa had ever seen. Her sister had an eye for elegant.
Waiters circulated with champagne, and the soft music made it easy to hold a conversation. Melissa sat next to Chase and tried like hell not to look in Brian's direction. Within a few minutes, the music changed, and the DJ's booming voice announced Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Rhay Bennett. The song, "Nothing Like This", by Rascal Flatts, started as Ali and Johnny gracefully stepped out onto the dance floor. Their first dance as a married couple, the song, the lighting, their matching smiles, it was the perfect moment for them. Melissa stood up, stepping closer to the dance floor to get a better view, and had to force back tears at the adoring smile on Johnny's face.
Melissa wished it were her. She wasn't jealous of her sister. Ali deserved to be with the love of her life, especially after everything she'd been through, but Melissa had to wonder if
she'd ever be as happy. Sure, she could marry Chase and have a dance like this, but would she ever feel that, feel the same feelings her sister had right now? This was right for Ali, and Johnny was right for her. Melissa felt her sister's happiness with every breath she took. But Melissa wanted her chance, too. She'd had it once, but it was stolen from her in a cruel act of fate. Ah…but was it fate, or betrayal. She closed her eyes and shook her head. Since when had those two lines intertwined so easily?
Now, as Ali and Johnny displayed their deep and unbreakable love, Melissa realized she'd never feel that again.
"May I?" Melissa opened her eyes and glanced at the offered hand before looking up into Brian's eyes.
She waved him away and tried to politely decline. "I don't think that's a good idea." She laid her fingers over her lips, reminded of the kiss in the bathroom.
What drove him to kiss her? Pity…or spite? Did he believe she'd feel better if he paid her some attention? Or was he just trying to prove she shouldn't marry Chase? He'd been adamant about it, but Melissa never thought he'd stoop so low.
"I do." He grabbed her hand and pulled her out with him before she could refuse again.
"Can I talk now?" he asked in her ear.
"No," Melissa said, trying to breathe normal.
"When?"
Melissa inhaled deeply, commanding herself to stay calm. "Brian…I just… I can't do this with you."
"We need to talk."
"Why? It's all water under the bridge. We've gone on with our lives. I don't want to constantly be reminded of what happened between us."
"It's important that you understand."
"I do—you cheated—you didn't tell me anything—you didn't even break up with me before you married her—you didn't tell me she was pregnant—you left me to wonder, Brian. You didn't tell me anything."
"I know…and I realize now how much harder that made everything for you."
"Then why?" Melissa shrieked, unable to control the volume of the question. Her eyes widened as she glanced around the room before whispering, "Why didn't you call me and explain?"
He gritted his teeth. "I was a coward!" A frown creased his face. "I'd convinced myself you didn't care. If you'd wanted to be with me then you wouldn't have left."
"That was not my fault."
"Of course it wasn't! I know that. I'm trying to explain the mind of an eighteen-year-old kid here, Melissa. Give me a second." He turned her around again, and she could see Chase glaring at them as they danced.
"No, don't tell me anymore. I told you, I don't want to get into this. It doesn't matter…not anymore."
His eyes widened. "Yes! It matters, Melissa."
His shoulders bunched up then relaxed on an exhale. She tried to relax, too. She didn't need her mother or Chase cornering her after the dance with questions.
"I needed to be there for Julie and our baby…and I was afraid I wouldn't go through with getting married if I had to face you." Brian closed his eyes for a second then said, "I didn't want to do anymore damage. I'd gotten Julie in trouble, and I needed to man up and do the right thing. I married her and tried never to look back."
"Well, you should be proud. You did the right thing." She said it with such coldness, she'd even surprised herself.
"Would you like the story better if I told you I regret my family? Is that what you want from me?"
Her stomach knotted at the thought. She shook her head with a sigh. "Of course not. I understand it. I just wish you'd been more honest with me. Given me the chance to bow out and move on."
"You know…Erin found out about us by reading Julie's journals."
"Wow. She read her mother's journals?"
He nodded. "I'm not sure how much she read, but she read that one. She knows the whole story. She actually thought Julie trapped me into marrying her."
"Did you read it?" Melissa asked.
"Yes, I read it after she told me about it."
She shook her head at the thought of what Julie must have gone through all those years ago. "Oh God…poor Julie. She must have been scared to death when she found out she was pregnant. Eighteen years old, no family and no money."
"And no steady boyfriend. We weren't even seeing each other, Melissa. We agreed to stay away from each other after that night. Truth is…we never intended to get together. We just got drunk and did something stupid."
"I hope you understand how much I care for Erin and Cody. I wouldn't change things either, but it would have been easier to move on if I would've known."
"I'm sorry. That's a very late, but very sincere apology. I didn't realize…"
Melissa nodded. "I understand. Thank you."
When the song ended, Melissa walked back over to the table to sit down, but as she approached, Chase stood.
"Are you ready to go home?" he asked.
She looked up in surprise. "Oh…uh, no, I can't leave yet. We need to ring in the New Year with the Bride and Groom. That's the point of a New Year's Eve wedding."
"Why don't you tell me what's going on with Brian."
"He was the Best Man, and I'm the Maid of Honor. We have to dance one dance."
"Don't treat me like I'm stupid. I have every right to be pissed-off, Melissa. I know you had a relationship with him. Show me some respect and be honest with me."
Melissa closed her eyes, suddenly exhausted. "Chase, Brian and I had a relationship seventeen years ago. We were high school sweethearts. I went to college, and he married someone else."
Chase leaned over, grabbed her arm and whispered, "We're leaving now, Melissa."
"No, Chase." She tugged out of his grip. "Please don't. We need to be here for Ali and Johnny. What's my family going to think if we leave so early? In a couple of months, this will be us, and these same people will be here to support us."
"I'm not foolish enough to believe we're going to last another few months."
Melissa's blood ran cold at the hard, unwavering look on his face. "Are you breaking our engagement?"
"No, no, I'm not." He shook his head and sighed. "But I don't have high hopes for this lasting, not at the rate we're going."
"Then stay…stay the night and have breakfast with me tomorrow." She gripped his hand. "Please don't make me go home alone tonight."
"Melissa…" The tone in his voice said what he didn't. He was just as confused about them and about his feelings as she was hers.
"Chase, do you love me?"
"Yes, with my whole heart, which is why this is hard. Watching you behave like that with him is so hard."
"I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm not trying to hurt you."
"You know, maybe we need a couple of days to reevaluate the situation. I don't feel you anymore." He grabbed both her hands in his and held them. "I don't feel like you're a part of me like you were before. It's as if you're drifting in and out of this, and I'm searching for a lifeline while trying to hold on to you at the same time."
Melissa nodded. How could she argue with him? She had been growing distant. And she couldn't deny that today hadn't changed things for her. Seeing Ali marry Johnny had altered Melissa's expectations for a marriage, for a husband and for a family. She didn't want to settle. She wanted deep love. She wanted remarkable and unbreakable love.
"I'm sorry," she said again, unable to tell him this. She couldn't explain her feelings to him now, not with everything else she was dealing with today.
"I'm going home. I'll call you in a couple of days." He kissed her and damn if it didn't feel like a goodbye kiss. She wanted to follow him out, but she didn't. She just couldn't.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Brian went in search of Ali, hoping she'd talk to him. He didn't want her leaving for her honeymoon before he had a chance to apologize.
He found her standing behind the head table with her hands entwined with Johnny's, and Brian had to smile at the look on her face. She and Melissa look so much alike. Brian wondered if he'd ever seen such a look on Melissa's face.
Chase
Collins couldn't make her that happy. He thought about the night she'd taken those pain pills. He'd wanted so much to make love to her. She'd wanted it, too. She'd even said she loved him—the expression on her face and that smile he hadn't seen in years. It was his smile, and he knew it. No way in hell had she ever smiled at another person like that. His heart gave a little flutter, so sure of what he wanted now that the fog had cleared.
He exhaled, the flutter turning his stomach. Melissa's misery in the bathroom after the ceremony today, it broke him to see her so upset. He couldn't stand it, and he blamed himself. He'd put pain in her heart.
When Ali's eyes met Brian's, the beautiful expression changed to anger.
"May I talk to you?"
Ali's eyes flickered around to see if they had an audience. Then she turned and sat in her chair with Johnny standing behind her. Johnny put his hands on her shoulders and nodded encouragingly to Brian.
Brian sat down and faced her. "It was a beautiful ceremony. Thank you for including me and Erin…and letting her stand in for her mom."
"You don't have to thank me. I love Erin, too."
"I need to explain something to you, Ali." He exhaled heavily. "I didn't purposely set out to hurt Melissa. You know I would never hurt her on purpose."
"I didn't always know that Brian."
"Yes, you did. In your heart, Ali, you get how much I love Melissa. But here's the thing…I couldn't make things harder on Julie by telling everyone I married her because she was pregnant. I loved Julie. I loved her the day I married her, and I loved her the day she died."
"I don't doubt for a minute how much you loved Julie, and yes, I've always known your true feelings for Melissa, even when you tried to lie to yourself. I still knew better."
Brian bowed his head and nodded. "I'm sorry Melissa got hurt. More sorry than I can ever express, but I don't regret my decision. I can't, not when I have such an incredible family. The truth is…I couldn't tell Melissa back then. I couldn't face her because I was afraid I'd back out of what I had to do. I chose to let her go, and I had to live with that. I still have to live with it."