“I think that’s a good call. You two know her. You know what she’s like. I’ve watched you take care of her for years. You love her like she needs to be loved. You know what she needs. I wish I weren’t so far away. I expect she’s missing Alexander just now too. We’re barbecuing this afternoon. I’ll send some pictures. She’ll like that.”
Ben realized that was a big part of it. Their baby being so far away. But he didn’t want Alexander to see Erin the way she was just then. And he knew she wouldn’t want it either.
And maybe, just maybe, it was best for her to let it all out. To wallow in the grief and guilt for a while until she could purge it. He needed to process that.
Ben replied to Brody’s comments. “She will, yeah. Us too. Miss that monkey of ours. He’s all right?”
“He’s been great. I can’t wait for Martine to get to that age. He reminds me so much of Erin when she was small. He’s happy and loved and spoiled to death. Hell, Miles slept over here last night and Alexander has been stuck to his side.”
Ben took a deep breath. Alexander was just a baby and now he was a toddler. Soon he’d be a preschooler and so on. He’d be Miles’ age one day. Miles and Rennie would grow up and go to college, get married, do all the stuff that makes life so great.
Yes. Things moved on. Life continued. He knew what they needed to do and it drove the panic back.
Brody heaved a sigh. “Just . . . tell her I love her. Text me to keep me updated. Elise worries.”
Ben snorted. Elise, yeah, right. “Ah, well, we wouldn’t want to worry Elise.”
“Ha. Look, just . . . you all take care of each other, okay?”
Ben looked to Todd and then nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.”
They spoke a while longer before hanging up.
Todd stood up and began to pace. It was his goal in life to make Erin’s better. Easier. He wanted to protect her from this shit and he didn’t know how. This wasn’t a stalker. It wasn’t someone he could punch or a place he could remove her from.
This was something he couldn’t touch. He fisted his hands as he moved. Helpless. Damn it. Seeing her like this made him feel helpless.
“It hasn’t been like this in years. Since I came back to Seattle. She was a fucking mess that first year. I don’t know how to fix her, but I sure as hell don’t want her to go back to that dark place she was in before she had us to help.”
“You can’t.” Ben was so calm. It soothed, even as it rankled. “We can’t fix this.” He didn’t shrug, he just watched Todd move.
Todd halted his pacing to gape at Ben. “What do you mean? She’s out there right now. Alone. Upset. We can’t just sit around, helpless.”
“We can’t fix this, and I don’t think that’s what she needs anyway.”
“Of course it’s what she needs!” He tried not to yell but it was a close thing.
“Yeah? So what can you do? Magic? Can you bring her daughter back? Because that’s the only thing that will fix this.”
“How can you be so calm now, Ben? You saw her.”
Ben nodded. “I did. I saw the pain in her features. The guilt. I can be calm because that’s what she needs. Nothing else is going to help. Not her, not you, not me.”
The truth of it did little to make Todd feel better. “It tears me apart to see her this way.”
Ben got up and went to Todd, wrapping his arms around him. “Me too. But this is part of Erin. Sometimes she can get through it just fine; other times it cuts her open. We can’t change that. This thing she endured, it’s not something anyone should. It has marked her forever and that’s how it’s supposed to be.”
“It makes me sick.” Todd sat and Ben followed him, keeping an arm around his shoulders. “And here I am, upset like a selfish asshole.”
Ben brushed a kiss across his temple before shaking his head. “The both of you and all this guilt you carry for things you aren’t responsible for.” Ben tipped Todd’s chin to look him square in the eyes. “You’re allowed to grieve about it too, you know.”
Todd cocked his head, looking at Ben carefully. “This happened to her. It’s not about me.”
“’Course it’s about you. It’s about me. It’s about everyone who loves Erin. This is ours because it’s hers. You don’t always have to be so fucking strong. I’m not going to judge you for feeling deeply. You can let yourself lean on me for a change. Let me be the strong one.”
They were raised to be strong men. And they were. But sometimes a strong man had to bend or he’d break.
And this big, strong man who knew every inch of Todd’s body, and of his heart, knew that.
“I’m not saying it’s appropriate to make it about your upset when we’re with her and she needs to get it all out. But I’m saying—and I’ve thought about this a lot—it’s all right to have your own feelings about something that has marked the woman you love so deeply. I’m here right now. No judging. Just love. You can let yourself go.”
“How come you’re so smart?” Todd’s fingers tangled with Ben’s.
“I know what it is to have intense feelings that I wasn’t sure if I could express.”
Todd sat back at the emotion in those words, still keeping his hand with Ben’s. “Yeah? Like what?”
“Like what it feels like when you’re Erin’s husband and, everyone assumes, Alexander’s father. When they think I’m an accessory but nothing more.”
Swallowing hard against the knot of emotion in his throat, Todd took a deep breath. “You know it’s not that way.”
“Sure I do. But it still feels like shit sometimes. Not because of what you and Erin do or say. But I feel it nonetheless. And it will always be that way. Most of the time it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it just gets to me. Like today got to her. Like this is getting to you because you feel weak and helpless. We’re not robots. Sometimes you just have enough and it really gets to you.”
Todd didn’t know what to say or do. That Ben hadn’t made a big deal of it wasn’t even as bad as the fact that Todd hadn’t noticed.
“I’m sorry people are stupid. I’m sorry your dad is a moron. I’m sorry people can’t see what an incredible man you are and just assume you’re an accessory when you’re everything to me and Erin.”
Ben breathed deep. “I don’t want you to be sorry for what other people do. It’s not anything you and Erin contribute to. I just wanted you to understand I know what it feels like to have this stuff inside and not know how to express it. Especially when you don’t want to make anyone feel bad.”
“Alexander is your son. As much as he’s mine. As much as he’s Erin’s.” Todd wanted to punch anyone who said otherwise.
“Yes. In the eyes of our family and friends, yes. But it won’t be that way outside. You know that. And it’s not about me. It’s about making sure Alexander knows he’s loved by both his dads.”
“Of course it’s about you!”
Ben grinned a moment and Todd got it. His man was fucking clever. “Ah.”
“Yeah. So really the big picture is—does my son know he’s loved by all his parents? Yes. Do I know Erin and you love me? Yes. Do I know I’m part of a family? Yes, I do. But the fact is, I’m in a place that is not recognized. Not legally, certainly. And not by the overwhelming majority of the world all around us. You’re her husband. She’s your wife. Alexander is your son as far as the legal system is concerned. I have to rely on trust. But I live in a gray area.”
“Why haven’t you said anything?” Todd’s heart ached.
“Because it’s hard to admit out loud, I suppose. Makes me feel petty. I didn’t want to hurt either of you. There’s nothing you can do, nothing you have done. And still, this is the fact of what we have. It’s unavoidable.”
Todd got to his knees in front of Ben, taking his hands. “I hate that you feel like this.”
/> Ben’s smile gave Todd butterflies even when the topic was so serious. “Baby, I feel like this for a small portion of my life. Just like your helplessness makes you feel weak and ashamed every once in a while. I didn’t tell you to make you feel bad. I told you because I wanted you to know you weren’t alone. Erin isn’t alone either.”
“You’re pretty smart for a guy who looks as good as you do.”
Ben leaned in, brushing a kiss over Todd’s lips. “I’m lucky, that’s what I am.”
“What do you think we should do? I mean, other than fucking, because we totally are when all this is said and done.”
Ben laughed then and the tension wisped away. “I think we need to head out to find her. Don’t tell her she’s going to be all right. Don’t pet her. Just let her be. We’ll be with her and she’ll tell us what she needs when she needs it.”
Todd stood and held a hand out to Ben. He pulled Ben to stand. “I never expected you. Not like this.”
Ben closed his eyes, those long lashes sweeping down. Todd had no choice but to lean in and kiss each eyelid.
“This is more than I ever could have imagined. Complicated. Hectic at times. But good. I’m happy. Satisfied.”
Todd smiled. “Yeah, me too. I love you, Ben. Let’s go find her.”
Ben nodded. “I’ll get her guitar and her songbook. You grab the rum and a blanket?”
“Yeah, some snacks too. She hasn’t eaten today.”
“Yes, good idea. Hey, Todd?”
“Yeah?”
“Love you too.”
Chapter Seven
The hammock she’d found herself in, staring blindly out over the water, swayed slowly. In another circumstance it would have been relaxing. She’d tried to rock herself back and forth, to find a way past this wall of grief she’d slammed into.
Since Todd had come back into her life she’d been able to prepare herself for the anniversary of Adele’s murder. She’d made it into an event so she could recognize it and not let it overwhelm her, rendering her an incoherent mess. Before then it had been a haze of weeping, too much alcohol and crippling guilt.
And after Todd, then Ben. And after them, there’d been Alexander. Such a joy. And with him, through him, she could find a way to remember Adele without this part.
Maybe she’d been wrong on that. Maybe she owed Adele this pain. Maybe she’d grown too comfortable and needed a slap of reality to help her realize that.
Her eyes hurt so much she was grateful for the sunglasses she’d worn to breakfast. Her stomach hovered at the I’m gonna puke line. Her nose ran and she still didn’t feel any better for all the tears she’d shed. No matter how much she cried, Adele was still gone.
Would there ever be a day when she didn’t think about her daughter? A day when she didn’t have at least a moment when the ache of Adele’s absence didn’t cut her to the bone?
Alexander was a lot like his big sister. That was a comfort in so many ways. Other times the way he cocked his head or snuggled up into her side when she read to him was so much like similar moments with Adele that it knocked her off balance.
She’d had a lot of wonderful in her life, and it felt ungrateful to fall to pieces like she had.
The guilt of forgetting the date crashed into her again, sweeping her under. Nothing should hurt like this. The loss of it, the stupid, senselessness of it seized her muscles. She closed her eyes against it and tried to get through.
* * *
She wasn’t sure how long she’d been out there, but after a bit she heard Todd and Ben approaching. They made enough noise that she’d hear them and not be startled, she knew.
Which only made her feel worse. She was fucked up and broken and she’d thought she’d gotten past it all. She wasn’t worthy of any of the wonderful stuff they brought to her life.
She wasn’t okay. And she really didn’t want to hear she’d be all right. Because she wasn’t. She never would be.
She considered not responding to their calls of her name. But they’d given her the time she’d asked for.
And she needed them.
“I’m over here,” she managed to respond.
Moments later they came around the corner on the trail and found her. So much worry on their faces. Her belly twinged at the sight of all that concern.
Todd had her guitar in one hand and her pad in the other. He approached, kissed her, handed her the stuff and stepped back. “Hey, honey. We thought you might like these.”
Ben had a basket the resort staff had put lunches and snacks in, as well as a blanket. “Rum in the basket, along with some food. You didn’t have breakfast. You should eat.” He bent, kissed her and moved back to spread the blanket out.
They both laid the food out, talking quietly to each other, leaving it up to her to join them or not.
She watched them for a bit, loving the way each of them looked. The curl just behind Ben’s left ear. The pale network of scars on Todd’s chest where he’d been shot in the line of duty years before. Each man had the scruff of a vacation beard.
The rumble of their voices soothed her without nettling. And she let herself give in, let herself need them.
She moved to the blanket, sitting with her guitar in her lap.
Ben made a plate for her, setting it within her reach. She took his hand, kissing his wrist before she took a bite of the fruit and cheese he’d stacked for her.
They ate in relative silence. It was a silence she’d needed. Instead of having to put up a false front that everything was okay, they let her be.
Even after years with them both, it surprised her just how well they knew and loved her.
The ocean murmured off to their left. The give and take, the ebb and flow of all that force and energy filled the air with ambient white noise.
She strummed, picking her way through a song she’d had in her head for a while. She’d held off, knowing it would be difficult to work through, not having the energy to face it.
But it was the right time.
She took a sip of the dirty mai tai Todd had created for her before diving in.
They cleared most of the food, tucking away the leftovers and leaving out some snacks before lying back to watch her work.
* * *
Her sunglasses didn’t hide the tears in her voice as she began to create the song. Ben had been a fan of her music for many years. Long enough to know the smoke and whiskey just then was the taste of grief.
The sun on his skin, the sound of the ocean and the salt on his tongue did little to temper the knot in his throat as she sang about a wasteland of emptiness.
His woman was vibrant and filled with the joy of life. Creative, sexy. The most charismatic person he’d ever met.
But this Erin was his too. Guilt and despair, grief and loss. It was so much to deal with, just watching her at times like these. But she needed that from them. Needed them to be her anchor in the storm she attempted to live through.
She had no idea, really, the depth of her own strength and resolve. He’d tell her, as he tried to do from time to time.
He’d give her the words when she’d hear them best. Because that’s what she so often did with him and Todd. Because he loved her—he hoped with the depth and commitment she deserved.
Todd lay out next to him on the blanket, his gaze on Erin. He’d reached out and taken Ben’s hand, their fingers loosely entwined.
Something had shifted between them. Todd was most often the fixer. He guarded them all with an intensity Ben found comforting and sexy all at once. But that day it had been Ben who was the fixer. Even though he’d shared his discomfort at his place at times in their family, it was Todd who’d needed him to lean on.
A new step. Three decades of friendship, years of an intimate, romantic relationship, and he still l
earned things about himself as well as Todd and Erin.
Erin would get through that day. She’d wake up the next and go on. Because it was who she was. And they’d help her through it.
* * *
Erin played and sang until the sun had begun to set. After the last, haunting lines—The price was too high. Living without you leaves me . . . broken—she looked up, pulling her sunglasses off, and there was nothing Todd could do to stop himself from moving to her to take her into his arms and hold her while she cried.
Ben followed, holding them both, the strength of his arms around them soothing.
Finally, Erin sniffled and pulled back. “I’m sorry.”
“For aching at the loss of your baby? Do you really, truly believe either of us would expect you to apologize for that?” Ben shook his head, a sad smile on his face. “We love you. There are no apologies for this.”
“I wish . . . I don’t know what I wish, I guess.” She put her guitar down, her muscles still trembling from the emotion of the day. “I only know I’m glad you’re both here.”
Ben moved to her other side. Both men leaned in, holding their bodies against hers with enough pressure she knew they were there, enough to let her know they weren’t going anywhere either.
The tendrils of what the three of them shared dug into her belly.
“There’s nowhere else Todd and I would ever be. Don’t you know that by now?”
Todd agreed with a hmmm, the rumble of it against her skin.
“Yeah, I know that. I’m thankful for it every single day.”
Todd took her hand in his. “How about we go back to the bure and sit in the hot tub under the stars? Or would you like to sleep? Swim?”
That sounded really good. She was spent.
“Yes, that’s lovely. I’d like that.”
Ben stood and gave her a hand up. He and Todd packed up all their stuff and they walked back to their bure.
Chapter Eight
“Go take a shower. I’ve ordered dinner, something light,” Todd said as she came out of the bathroom.