When I reached the foot of it, another light went on and every breath in my body flew out of my body like a flock of sparrows abruptly frightened. Every bone turned to marshmallow. I felt as if I had stepped into a pool of ice water, the cold racing up my legs into my stomach and over my breasts, pushing my blood into my head.
There, in a tiny circle of illumination created by a large flashlight pointing up just under her chin, was Dr. Foreman, Her face absorbed the light and emerged from the darkness as if it were made of some luminescent substance, her eyes dark and gaunt, her teeth incandescent. Actually, she looked more like a skeleton resurrected.
"Careful. Phoebe," she said. "Watch your step. dear."
I didn't know what to say, what to do. I was still too frozen to move,
"Don't be afraid. First. I want you to return to the desk and get that letter. Go on." She pointed the flashlight to create a lighted pathway for me. "Go!"
I moved quickly, snapped up the envelope, and returned to the stairway.
"Come up now." She directed the beam of light to the wooden steps. The lighting down here doesn't work. It hasn't for as long as I've had the place, but it never mattered. I don't use the basement that often. We clean it from time to time and check our plumbing, but that's about it," she explained, as if it were important for me to know the most insignificant details about the house.
I started up the stairs and she turned and opened the door that led into the downstairs hallway.
"Come along."
I followed her down the hall to her office. The house was as quiet and as dark as the basement had been. She flipped the light switch and entered, turning to encourage me to follow. I know I was moving, but I was so frightened. I didn't think about it. I floated in behind her and sat on the sofa.
She pulled a chair up and sat right in front of me, smiling at me. I still held on to the letter, expecting she would take it, but she didn't ask for it or pluck it from my fingers.
"Look at you. You look like you've actually seen a ghost."
"I'm sorry, Dr. Foreman. I thought that if I did what Gia wanted, she would change. I would tell her there was no Posy and then she would stop talking about her, but she tricked me and locked me in and..."
Dr. Foreman actually laughed. "Cure Gia? That's what you hoped to do in one evening? I only wish it had been that easy. Phoebe. Gia has been here almost a year."
"A year? But Mindy told us she was here four months and Gia was here seven."
"That's what Gia told her. I'm sure. Actually, that makes sense. It was about five months ago that Posy left. In her bizarre counting, that's how she sees it."
"What do you mean since Posy left? I thought there wasn't any Posy? That letter downstairs? 'Was that written by the real Posy?"
"No," she said, still laughing, "That was Gia, but that was when Posy left. It's all as I told you."
"I don't understand," I said, shaking my head.
"You will." She looked very pleased.
"You're not mad at me for going down there?"
"No, Phoebe, It was my idea. When I spoke with Gia after you told me what she was saying, I convinced her to do exactly what she has done."
"What?"
"I told Gia she had to do it, she had to get you into the basement so you could see for yourself that Posy was gone. Actually, she went about it cleverly. I didn't think about the details, unscrewing the hinge, screwing it back on, all that. I expected to find her down there with you. She how bright she can be? If some of the girls sent to me would put their energy and ingenuity into worthwhile and good things..."
She shook her head and contemplated me again. "I knew you didn't believe me completely. I thought that this would be the best way for you to see for yourself and understand. You do now, don't you?"
"No, not really." I didn't know whom to feel sorrier for, myself or Gia,
Dr. Foreman looked impatient and annoyed for a moment, then softened.
"All right. I'll spell it all out for you. Gia was the one in the basement. I put her there as part of a therapy program I designed. She had cleverly invented this fictional character so as to avoid any hardship, any pain inflicted on her. As long as she had Posy, she could deny her own problems. They were Posy's problems. understand?
"Making Posy my daughter was her way of getting back at me."
"Why didn't you just send her away to a clinic or something?" I asked.
"She wasn't crazy. She was clever and still is I knew I would eventually help her if I kept trying and utilizing some of my own methods. They worked. She wrote that letter as a way of saying good-bye, which was also quite clever I thought."
"What is all that about Natani?"
"Natani." She shook her head. "He's delightful with his Indian ways, He has no idea how often he has helped me with my girls. That's why I keep him on. actually. He's a calming factor. Sort of a release valve. This place is a pressure cooker at times."
"But. Gia told me I'd find Posy down there so she still believes in her. She's still not cured. right?"
"Well, it doesn't matter that she still believes there was a Posy. The most important thing now is after you tell her and show her everything, she won't be using Posy ever again as a scapegoat. That's my first goal in treating her. Anything she does now, she knows is her awn fault. Unless, of course, she creates someone else. but I don't think she will. I think she's finally past all that and on her way."
"What do you want me to do?"
"Specifically, you will return to the barracks and you will tell her there was no one there, and you'll give her that letter. You'll tell her you read it. You know it was a letter to Posy's parents and you know she's gone for good. And you know Posy lied when she said she was my daughter.
"So," she continued, leaning aver to pat my knees. "you see, you really will have helped me. Unwittingly, perhaps, but nevertheless, you will have."
I shook my head. It was all still so confusing, so off-the-wall for me, the way she had used me and was still using me. If anything, it made me want to get out of here even more. I think she saw that in my face.
"For now, I don't want any of the other girls to know about any of this. It's our little secret, our problem to solve. I expect you to carry out this order. Phoebe." she said sternly. "You understand what I want?"
"Yes."
"You've made same nice strides these past few days, Phoebe. I can see you growing and changing and becoming someone who can be trusted with responsibilities. You're going to be fine, despite the unfortunate hand you've been dealt in your life."
She stared at me with that soft smile on her face again, the smile that deceives, that gives girls like me so much hope. I remember seeing a mean boy tormenting a stray dog once in Atlanta. He spoke to it softly, kindly, and the dog wagged its tail and filled its heart with trust as it drew closer, and when it was close enough, the boy swung the stick he had behind his back and struck the animal so hard, it lost its balance, scraping its paws over the road to get its bearing and get away, but it wasn't fast enough to avoid a second cruel blow. It managed to run off then, the boy's evil cackle following it like some flame of hate and rage. The boy turned and looked at me. He had a face full of anger, but also satisfaction. He had hurt something and taken revenge on a world that rained pain on him. I thought.
And then I thought what great pain was showered down on Dr. Foreman to make her the way she was?
If she knew I even thought such a thing, she would lose that smile so quickly, my head would spin.
"Okay, Phoebe, Go on back to the barracks. Take the letter and do as I said."
I rose and walked out of her office, down the dark hallway and out the front door. The grounds that had been dreamy with a ceiling filled with stars now just looked dark. I felt as if I were walking through a tunnel at the end of which was only a deep hole.
When I reached the barn. I paused and looked back. I thought I could make out a tall, darker shadow on the steps of the hacienda.
Doesn't sh
e sleep? I wondered, and entered the barn.
Gia was in her cot and looked to be asleep. Everyone else was.
I approached her quietly and knelt at her side, poking her gently. Her eyes opened and she looked at me, but she didn't sit up. "I'm sorry," she said. "I had to do it that way."
"I know."
"Did you see her?"
"No. but I found this letter she wrote. She's gone. It's a letter to her parents telling them good-bye. I read it and I know she's gone, and I also know she was lying about being Dr. Foreman's daughter. Whatever you heard her say to Dr. Foreman wasn't true. Dr. Foreman probably just humored her until she could help her. Read it all and you'll see."
She glanced at the letter, but she didn't move.
"Take it and read it in the morning," I said, offering it. She started to shake her head,
"You have to take it." I shoved it under her pillow.
I stood up and only then realized that Mindy was back and in her cat. She was lying there, her eyes wide-open, staring at me.
"Where were you?" I asked,
"I had a special session with Dr. Foreman. Where were you?" The silvery starlight through the windows put an evil glow on her smile.
I didn't reply. I went to my cot and fell asleep almost a second after I closed my eyes. I was so deeply asleep so quickly, I thought the poke in my ribs was part of my dream. Finally, I realized it wasn't and awoke.
Gia was at my bedside, her face close to mine. "At least now you know I wasn't lying. There was a Posy."
She returned to her cot. Mindy watched her and looked at me.
I don't think I had ever really prayed properly in my life. Daddy did his best to teach me religion and took me to church whenever he had an opportunity, but I always had trouble talking to an entity that never spoke back. I used to sit in the church and wait anxiously to hear some great, booming voice come down from the ceiling or out of the altar. When it didn't, I just thought everyone was pretending.
I asked Mama about it once and she told me I was a fool, but my daddy was a bigger fool.
"God talks only to the rich." she said. "Why you think they're so damn lucky?"
I didn't know what that meant either.
I still didn't really know what it all meant. But what I did know as I lay there was I was going to find a way to ask God to help me and get me out of this place.
I wasn't rich, but I had confidence that He would find a way.
But what it would take me a long time to understand was why He chose the way out for me He chose.
11
Inward Journey
.
Gia was certainly different after my basement
experience. She seemed less angry, but more depressed. The defiance we had sensed within her when we three had first arrived was gone. She no longer snapped at Teal or Robin, and especially not at me. In fact. I saw her avoiding me. All I had to do was turn her way and she would quickly shift her eyes or look down to avoid mine. It was almost as if she were ashamed of what I knew.
She had less energy, too, worked slower, ate slower, and ate less. Mindy could babble in her ear and she wouldn't turn on her and whip her with any words, any warnings, as she had usually done since the day we had arrived. It was almost as if she were truly shrinking inside herself, disappearing the way her precious Posy had disappeared.
Dr. Foreman looked pleased about all this. I saw the smile of satisfaction on her lips when she looked at Gia now. It soaked me in a new downpour of rage to know I had been manipulated and used to help bring this about. I was the one who felt guilty now. I felt responsible for the changes in Gia, even though Gia had trapped me in that basement.
No one does anything she really wants to do here. I concluded.
It might take some time, more time for one of us than another, but eventually. Dr. Foreman pulls our strings. We move like puppets on a stage she creates.
I think she caught these thoughts in my eyes when she glanced at me and saw how hatefully I was glaring back at her. She didn't cut her face with the sharp, cold smile I expected. Instead, she fixed her gaze on me thoughtfully for a few moments, then turned away slowly and walked off. I can't say I wasn't frightened by that, but my anger disguised it well.
These dark realizations should have left me as depressed and defeated as Gia now was, but instead, it restored my inner fury and strengthened my defiance. Certainly I was afraid of being returned to the Ice Room and having the rats, real or not, running all over me. So. I worked at my chores. I obeyed all the rules. I recited the morning prayer in which we gave thanks to Dr. Foreman. I recited the apologies we were supposed to make to the buddies and to ourselves. I did all I was told to do obediently, but a fire was building inside me. I could feel the heat around my heart. It made rile toss and turn at night. It put a little more strength in my walk and it made those mountains in the distance look closer.
Like the cornered rats that filled me with terror. I bared my teeth. I raised my back and I looked for an opportunity to strike out.
Despite what I was sure Dr. Foreman saw in me, she continued to be pleasant, to offer me new privileges, to drive a wedge between me and the others. I knew I couldn't refuse anything, but I believed in my heart that she knew she hadn't defeated me. yet. Of course, that frightened me more than anything. She was not going to give up. She had so many other techniques and plans yet to employ. Something new could come from any direction at any time. The expression you're walking are thin ice never had more meaning for me than it did here. I knew I would in time fall through and she would have me wrapped in something so terrible I would lose my name. I would be erased and re-created in her image. It gave new meaning to the word clones that Gia had used when she used to talk more angrily about our buddies.
As Dr. Foreman had warned us that first day in the orientation roam, she did have godlike powers in her world and we were surely in her world. Her voice cracked like a whip above our heads. even. I noticed, when she spoke to the buddies. They were her girls, but they were almost as afraid of her as we were when they were in her presence.
Only Natani seemed to have a sense of wellbeing and peacefulness here. He moved through all this as if he were truly in his own world, isolated from the loud shouting, the biting sarcasm, the punishments inflicted on us, and the clouds of depression that hovered above our heads. How could he do that?
I wondered. It was like a man walking through a raging fire, never singed, not even sweating.
I studied him with more interest, especially now that I had read the letter written by the imaginary Posy. Was that all part of Gia's madness or was there really such a thing as escaping into yourself? Was there a way to fortify yourself, to do something that would protect you from Dr. Foreman's bullets and arrows? And if there was, would Natani, who supposedly owed her so much, be willing to show it to me? Was that what he was trying to do when he had told me to keep my hogan closed inside me?
I was still the one he favored to work with the horses. Gia had said that Posy had loved working with the horses. and Gia said Natani had taken a special liking to her. Of course. now I knew that she meant herself. She just couldn't believe anyone would or could like her, and if they did, they had to be liking her imaginary second self.
A little over a week after my experience in the basement. I was brushing Wind Song when Natani came into the barn and began to repair a stall door.
I took a deep breath and turned to him. "Natani, can you show me how to escape from unhappiness, to travel to another world, a world inside you?"
He paused and looked at me without saying no or saying yes.
"I'm afraid that if they put me back in that place. the Ice Room, or do something equally terrible. I'll crack up completely. I need someplace else to go."
He nodded and sat back on the barn floor,
"There is a story." he began. "about a desert rat pacing back and forth in front of a tortoise and pausing once in a while to look at the tortoise, who had a smile of contentment on
his face.
"What do you have to be contented about?' the rat asked him. 'It's one hundred and twenty degrees. Ravens and buzzards are circling around us all day. Who knows when it rained last?'
"I am contented,' the tortoise replied. 'because when something unpleasant happens. I just return to my shell. In here I can cross over to a world where it is cool, where there are no ravens and buzzards, and where there is always a cool and refreshing stream.'
"'How can you have all that in there?' the rat asked. amazed. 'Your shell is far too small,'
"'No,' the tortoise said. 'this world in which you pace and worry is too small. In here, there are no horizons, no bottoms to streams, and no roof to the sky, because in here, I make my dreams.'
"'How do you make dreams?' the rat asked.
The tortoise said. 'if you knew that, you would be a tortoise. too.'
"And with that, he pulled into his shell and the rat went on pacing and worrying until he wore himself out and a buzzard had him for breakfast."
Natani turned to go back to fixing the stall door.
"I don't understand your story. Natani." I said "What does that have to do with me and my
problem?"
He paused again. "First, you must become the tortoise, daughter of the sun. First, you must make yourself a shell."
"But how?"
"You must find a place where you can make your dreams safely. But, there is another story I must tell you. It is the story of a tortoise who grew so contented and so satisfied with his dreams, he never came out of his shell. He starved to death."
"Yeah. well. I might be better off," I muttered.
He thought for a moment and then nodded. "Tonight, when the clouds are asleep, too, you come to my hogan and I will help you find your shell."
A part of me was afraid, not of what Natani might do and say, but afraid that he might be doing something Dr. Foreman wanted him to do. She had told me she tolerated him and that he served a purpose. She seemed so powerful. It was hard to imagine any place or anyone on this ranch of hers that wasn't in some way under her control.
What if she had expected I would ask Natani for some sort of help now? What if she assumed I would because of what I had read in Posy's letter? She might even have told Natani to expect me to ask. How much in debt to her was he? Were the animals the only ones to trust on this ranch? The only ones who didn't lie?