out.
"If you lie and I find out you have lied in this
introductory history, you will be fined ten full demerit
points. Remember, I know much about you. This is
both a test of your veracity and a chance for you to
think about yourselves."
We looked at each other in disbelief. Write our
histories? Surely, this was a joke.
"I see you are not taking me seriously," Dr.
Foreman said. "I assure you that you will all remain
here until you are all finished. Until then, no one will
get anything to drink or eat, nor will anyone"-- she
centered on me--"use the bathroom. That's academic
anyway since there is no bathroom." she added dryly. I felt my face flush. No bathroom? Reminding
me I had to go built the pressure inside me. I felt
myself breaking out into a sweat, my heart pounding.
Didn't the other two have to go? If they did, they
didn't show it.
"Finally, let me remind you that no one is to
speak to anyone during this exercise. One of your
buddies will monitor you, and should anyone speak,
you will all remain here one hour longer for every
word uttered."
Then, as suddenly as she finished speaking, she
smiled warmly at us and in loving tones said.
"Welcome. girls. Welcome to my school. I truly hope
this will be a lifesaving experience for you all." With that she turned and walked out, her heels
clicking and echoing around us until she was gone and
it was deadly silent.
It was as if all clocks had stopped. Nothing beat
anymore. Not even our own hearts.
2
Dr. Foreman's Funny Farm
.
Two of the so-called buddies left with Dr.
Foreman. but M'Lady Three remained behind, her arms folded, her back against the door, glaring at us, the corners of her mouth dipped with annoyance at what I was sure she considered baby-sitting duty,
"This is so stupid." Teal muttered.
"Did someone speak?" M'Lady Three chimed. Like a hungry cat she was so eager to pounce. We all looked down ashamed of our fear. That
was when I saw that someone probably feeling as
desperate as we did had carved the word help into my
old desk. I felt like adding my own cry of rage. I
would carve in betrayed. When I looked up again. I
saw Robin open her composition notebook and begin
writing. She shrugged at me as if to say, what else can
we do? Humor her. Teal, on the other hand, remained
stubborn, her head in her hands, the notebook still
closed. I opened mine.
My life story?
Where do I begin? I was born in Atlanta. My
daddy was an auto garage tool salesman and my
mama worked as a waitress in one dump after another, drinking up mast of what she made and sometimes not coming home until morning. It was one thing to remember it all, to think about it, but another to actually put it in writing. It made me more angry than ashamed to see it in black and white. Perhaps that was Dr. Foreman's purpose: to get us to hate who we were, who we are. I suppose I couldn't blame her. Why else
would we work on changing ourselves?
It was funny though how tears came into my
eyes after I began to describe our apartment in that
rat-infested building, described my room. the crippled
kitchen with the stove that worked when it was in the
mood, and the living room with the threadbare rug
where Daddy sat and watched television alone so
many nights. Why would I cry over and long for a
return to the life I used to hate? Why would I want to
be back in that two-by-four room of mine where I
could hear pipes groaning at night like someone with
a bellyache, and people in other apartments yelling at
each other and clawing the walls the way prisoners
going mad might?
I wasn't in a good place to grow up. Even as a
little girl. I knew bad things happened in our building.
Someone I only knew as Mr. Ratter died of a drug
overdose in the apartment directly below ours. It was the first time I saw a dead person. I stood on the stairway and watched them taking him out an a stretcher, the sheet over his whole body. The police said the apartment stank. He had been dead for nearly a week, but he had no relatives in Atlanta. Only in his
mid-thirties, he was already dead.
That was when I first understood what Daddy
meant when he said we were living in a cemetery. The
doors of the apartments should look more like
tombstones and read their names and born in 19__,
died 20__. Rest its peace because that's the only
peace you'll have.
No wonder I didn't want to come home nights
or stay there on weekends. No wonder I took
advantage of Mama being at work and staying out to
all hours and Daddy being on the road, away from
home. I shouldn't have been blamed for that. Anyone
living like I was living, seeing the things I saw, would
have done the same thing.
The only excitement and happiness I had were
what I had with my friends. So we smoked and
shoplifted and drank at parties. So what? We didn't
hurt people badly, did we? Well, maybe we hurt
ourselves somewhat, but we weren't on anyone's Most
Wanted list. Teachers barely tolerated us, were happy when we didn't bother them, and swept us along like so much dust from one room to another, one teacher
to another, as if everyone was to share the burden. Yes. I wrote in the notebook, it's true I did get
arrested more than once. I was put on probation. I did
violate it and I was in danger of going to a real prison.
Yes. I knew why Daddy felt he had to place me with
my uncle and aunt after Mama ran off with someone
and deserted us. but I also knew my aunt and uncle
never wanted me and were surely relieved when I got
myself in new trouble and ran away. My aunt could
claim she was right about me: I was hopeless and now
she had a good excuse for getting rid of me forever. I described it all, how I was cornered into
hurting that boy, how I was arrested for it and decided
to run off, how disappointed I was in Mama when I
found her in that clinic, and how betrayed I felt when
my uncle tricked me and got me taken here. I was
never as mean to anyone as they were to me. I wrote. I
don't deserve this.
As to my fears, I couldn't come up with much
except what I had feared when I was a little girl and
could actually hear the rats scratching their way
through the walls, visiting different apartments as if
the whole place were a mall for rats who could shop in this one's kitchen cabinets and then another and pass the news on to the world of rats out there: Come to Phoebe Elder's home. Her mother is a slob. Lots to eat on the floor and counters, and she's so out of it most nights in a drunken coma, she won't even know
we're there.
I used to curl up in my bed, wrapping the
blanket so tightly around myself it was a wonder I
didn't smother to death. Some nights I sobbed myself
to sleep. Some nights I woke up positive a rat had
crawled over my legs or sniffed my hair. I would
throw off my blanket and turn on the lamp, but
thankfully, I never saw one in my room. That didn't
mean I didn't believe they had been there. however. I
imagined their tiny footprints everywhere, and
sometimes. I was sure I saw a pair of beady little eves
watching me from some crack in the wall.
I had no idea how much I had written in the
notebook when I raised my head. I saw Teal had given
in, and she and Robin were still reluctantly at it
themselves. Then I heard the door open and saw
M'Lady Two hand M'Lady Three a tumbler of ice
water. Teal and Robin also watched her drinking it.
She seemed to take longer and slurp it for our benefit.
She spilled what she hadn't finished on the floor and looked at us with a smile so spiteful it made anger
simmer my blood into a rolling boil.
I squirmed in my seat. My need to pee had
become impossible to ignore. Soon there would be no
way to keep it from happening. It brought new tears to
my eyes, tears that escaped my lids. I embraced
myself and rocked as I moaned.
M'Lady Three got up and walked toward me.
"What's wrong with you?"
"I have to pee, badly."
"So pee. You're wearing a diaper. We'll change
you afterward." I looked up at her in shock. I could
see she was serious. It put me into a small panic. and
when I looked at Teal, she seemed angrier about it
than I could be. Then she nodded at me, her eyes
small, urging me to call her bluff, Only I knew it
wasn't a bluff. Robin looked down, ashamed for me. M'Lady Three turned back to the door and then
I let it go. It dripped off the chair. She looked back.
smiling. Then she opened the door and shouted. "Get
up a diaper. Baby One had an accident."
I heard some laughter outside.
I was crying harder now, the tears of shame and
rage sliding off my cheeks as if my skin had turned to
ice, my fists at my sides, my nails digging into my
palms.
"Bitch," Teal shouted at M'Lady Three. Her smile faded. "One word without specific
permission. One extra hour for all of you to spend in
here," she pronounced like a judge laying the death
sentence on some convicted murderer.
M'Lady One returned with a new diaper for me.
Teal and Robin watched with disgust and rage. Then
Teal stood up and just let go. Robin smiled and did
the same. M'Lady One and M'Lady Three looked at
each other, then M'Lady Three smiled back at Teal
and Robin.
"Gee, girls. sorry." she moaned as if she really
cared. "but we had only one extra diaper." Her phony
smile vanished, Now sit down and shut up." she
snapped at them. Their faces of defiance quickly
changed into faces of disgust and panic. "Sit down or
we'll keep you here two more hours for every minute
you're standing."
Without any other choice, they did what they
were told, both grimacing with discomfort. I returned
to my seat and held up my completely filled
composition book. M'Lady One took it and flipped
through the pages. Then she took the pen and left. Robin and Teal started to write faster, the need
to get out of here that much greater,
M'Lady Three shook her head and smiled at
them gleefully. "That's better. girls. The faster you all
learn that obeying orders makes things easier for you,
the better off you'll be."
When Robin and Teal were finished, they lifted
their notebooks and M'Lady Three took them,
checked them, and went to the door. She handed them
to M'Lady Two and looked at us.
"After your hour's punishment, we'll be
learning the school prayer," she said. and left. "I'm taking this off." Robin said, standing
immediately and removing the wet diaper. Teal did
the same.
"They're crazy. That doctor's crazy. I'm not
staying here," Teal vowed.
"Really? What do you intend to do? Catch a cab
home?" Robin asked,
"I don't know, Something."
"You better not let them hear you talking or
they'll tack on more time." I warned them.
'Don't tell me what to do! I don't give a damn! I
won't..." Teal stopped and slammed her lips shut when
she heard the door opening.
MLady Three returned. "Lucky for you two, we found two extra diapers," she sang. She gave one to Robin and one to Teal. "Put them on and keep
quiet," she ordered, and left again.
I watched them change. We all walked about
like caged animals, looking at each other as if one
word would set us clawing ourselves as well as the
walls, then we glared at the door. Teal tried it and of
course it was locked.
"What if they just leave us here forever? Who
would even know?" Robin queried. "There's no other
way out." Teal and I looked at each other.
"My parents would eventually find out. They
can't do that. They wouldn't dare. My mother would
sue the panties off that Dr. Foreplay or whatever she
calls herself," Teal said.
"Right, your parents are worried sick over you.
That's why they had you sent here."
"Shut up. You don't know anything about me or
my family." "Who wants to?" Robin mumbled. All I could think about was getting out of here.
Soon we'd be at each other's throat, but the hands of
whatever clock we were on were arthritic or
something. It seemed like much longer than another
hour before the door opened and the three so-called
buddies returned.
"Everyone stand in front of her desk." M'Lady
One ordered, We did so, all of us thinking the same
thing: we'll do anything to get out of here, "Okay,
here is the school prayer. You are to recite it every
morning and you are to recite it until you get it
perfect. We'll stay here as long as we have to until all
three of you have it memorized."
M'Lady Two came forward. "Repeat after me. 'I
am nothing. I am less than nothing. I am a burden to
my family and to my country. I must hate myself to
death and I must change. I must thank Dr. Foreman
for every punishment I receive.'"
Teal grimaced. "That's a prayer?"
"It's stupid," Robin agreed.
"Suit yourselves. Girls. We're comfortable,"
M'Lady Two said, and started out.
"Wait a minute!" I cried.
She paused.
"1 can't stand it in here anymore."
She looked at Rabin and Teal.
-All right. How does it go again?" Teal asked. M'Lady Two smiled and repeated it for us.
None of us got it right the first time, so she repeated it
and again we mumbled it as accurately as we could.
They demanded we speak louder. Teal made an error and we were stopped and told to start again. I thought she wasn't going to do it, but she did and, of course, made a small mistake. All three of us were tired and groggy and uncomfortable. It was so hard to concentrate on words we hated anyway. Finally, we had it right almost to the end. when I left out a word and they jumped on me. Again we recited it and again one of us made a small error. Eventually, we had it
perfect and they agree
d we had done so.
"Orientation is over," M'Lady Three declared,
slapping her hands together. "We can move out and
take you to Dr. Foreman's School, Remember." she
added before we started. no talking without
permission."
We marched out of the room. I don't think I was
ever happier to leave a place than I was leaving there.
Even the hot evening air seemed a relief. A dirty,
white, windowless van was parked in front of the
building. The rear doors were opened and we were
told to climb in. There was nothing to sit on, just the
metal floor of the van. A solid wall separated the back
of the van from the driver. All three of us hesitated. It
smelled like some farm animals had been transported
in it only minutes ago. The odor of animal manure
was strong.
Teal raised her hand.
"What?" M'Lady Three asked. We understood
now that M'Lady Three was assigned to Teal; M'Lady
Two to Rabin, and of course, M'Lady One to me. "There are no windows in there. How long is
the trip? We'll suffocate."
"The trip is as long as it takes to get to the
school. Get in. It will be longer if you waste time. We
might." M'Lady Three said, smiling at the other two,
"take you on a detour if you don't behave."
Teal looked at the two of us and then gazed
around and into the darkness. Would she try to bolt
and run? I think she realized she had no idea in which
direction to go and the chances of her outrunning
them were slim. Defeated, she climbed into the van
and sat with her back to the side, her arms folded. I
did the same, sitting across from her. and Robin got in
and sat next to her. They closed the doors on us and
we were in total darkness.
That wasn't the only problem. Teal was right.
Once the doors were closed, we had little fresh air, the
odor was nauseating, and the van walls felt like the
walls of an oven.
"We'll die in here if we have to stay in here
long," Teal moaned,
"Keep your voice down." Robin said. "Whisper.
Who knows what else those sadistic creatures will do
to us if they hear us talking."
"If I wasn't so tired. I'd choke one of them,"
Teal claimed.
They don't look like they're afraid of that,
especially your buddy." I told her. "I think she's a
former football player or bouncer from same bar." Robin grunted her agreement. We heard the