On an oversize dark cherry-wood desk, papers were neatly arranged, with a computer on the side, the monitor lit with a screen saver showing spiraling solar systems twirling. The walls had plaques and frames, some with degrees in them, some with letters of commendation. The windows were shaded with blackouts and the room was cool and comfortable, obviously well air-conditioned. A large oval area rug with desert colors was on the floor, between the sofa and the desk.
"Sit on the sofa," M'Lady One told us. 'Remember, no one is to speak until asked to do so. We'll be listening."
We sat on the sofa: then she closed the door behind her as she left. For a moment, the three of us, so tired and exhausted, just sat quietly enjoying the cool air. Teal turned her hands over and looked at her palms. She grimaced sharply, looking like she might burst into tears. Robin closed her eyes and sat back. I lowered my head and stared at the floor.
"I'm running away from here tonight." I heard Teal whisper.
"You can't do that. You'll get lost and die out there." Robin said.
"I'll die here anyway," Teal replied, but not with as much conviction as someone who really believed she had no other choice.
We heard the door being opened and pressed our lips shut. Dr. Foreman walked in, smiled at us, and went first to her desk. She turned some pages of a document in front other, then came around her desk and sat in the oversize chair, the document in her lap.
"So here we are." she said. "I thought it would be nice if our first session was together, the three of you and me, beginning as a group. How does everyone feel?"
For a moment none of us took the question seriously. How do we feel? How could we feel but miserable?
"I'm exhausted," Teal finally said. "I had a horrible night because I was forced to sleep outside chained to a cot, and it was cold, very cold. I don't know why I'm not sick with pneumonia or something. and I stink. We all stink. I want to go home. I'm sure my parents don't know what this place is like or they wouldn't have sent me here. When they find out, heads are going to roll."
Dr. Foreman had a face like a mask. I thought. Her eyelids barely blinked and those eyes of hers looked like they could bore holes into all three of us. Her lips remained firm. tight. Teal had to look away. She sucked in her tears and held her breath.
"Of course your parents, and your uncle and aunt in your case_. Phoebe, know what this is like." Dr. Foreman began. "They were given our brochure and everything, every detail was explained to them. We don't take anyone here without all that being understood first. Agreements had to be signed. I can show you them, if you wish. Your parents want you here. Teal. Why do you suppose that is?"
Teal didn't reply. She kept her face turned away, her chin in her hand with her elbow braced on the arm of the sofa.
Dr. Foreman turned to Robin and me. "Anyone? Why do you suppose you were sent to me, to this school?"
"It isn't a school. It's a torture chamber," Teal snapped at her.
Can you imagine what sort of torture you have put your families through?"
"Nothing as bad as this." Robin replied defiantly.
That becomes a matter of opinion, doesn't it, Robin? The emotional and mental torture your families suffered was worse than anything to them or they wouldn't have turned to me in desperation, they and the courts that are frustrated with your behavior, that are ready to give up entirely on you Tell me, any of you, why should your families have kept you? What did you give to them besides heartache? What do you give to anyone? What value are you to the world?
"Natani's cows give us milk, his pigs give us ham, his garden gives us vegetables, his pottery gives us dishes, his animals give us clothing. What do any of you do but take from the world around you, the world you spent your time damaging? Who will miss any of you?"
Maybe we were all just too tired, but when I shifted my tearful eyes toward Robin and Teal. I saw they were as pained and saddened.
"You were born, you hurt people, and you have been removed, just like some diseased rodent," Dr Foreman continued, glancing at me. "You're going to lodge complaints? You dare to threaten? You don't know how ridiculous that sounds. Why should anyone listen to your complaints now? All your lives you never listened to anyone else's."
"What do you want from us?" Teal screamed, the tears streaming down her cheeks.
"What I want from you is what you should want from yourself. A rebirth, a complete change."
"I'll change, I promise," Teal followed,
"No. You can't promise that. You've promised it before and broken the promise. Now, you really have to do it, and to do it, you must truly come to hate who you are now and bury that person out there." Dr. Foreman nodded toward the windows.
"We might just do that if you keep torturing us like this," Teal shot back at her.
"Then that is what will be. but I don't think so. I think you'll change for the better. We're here to begin, Today, I want you each to tell me one thing that you did that you admit was shameful, something that in itself would almost justify your being here. I want to believe you when you tell me that, too, so don't just say anything. I know a great deal about each of you. I know what I would choose if I were any one of you." Dr. Foreman sat back. "Who wants to begin?"
Robin and I looked down. Teal turned away,
"No one is ready to begin her cleansing?"
"I didn't do anything bad enough to deserve this," Teal insisted. Dr. Foreman looked at Robin.
"I'm here only because my mother darling wants to be free of me." she said.
Dr. Foreman turned to me.
"My aunt and my uncle hated having me. They jumped on the first opportunity to get me sent away."
Doctor Foreman nodded. "Okay. It's not unusual for you all to be like this right now, to not be ready. On rare occasion, one of my students will have insight immediately, but that's, as I said, rare."
"Students," Teal spit. "We're not students. How are we students? We're trapped here and tortured. We're prisoners in same madhouse."
"Im sorry you feel that way." Dr. Foreman sounded so sincere, really sorry, as if Teal had insulted her. I raised my eyebrows. Could she be serious? How else did she expect we would feel? Did she really believe all she was telling us?
She rose from her chair and went to the door.
"Girls," she said, and stepped back. All three buddies entered the office and looked at us. "My new students are not ready for any rewards yet. Therefore I am rescinding any positive merit points that they earned today. They'll begin again tomorrow."
"Does that mean we're sleeping on those hard cots again and still wearing these... these things?" Robin asked.
"If you're lucky," Dr. Foreman said, her eyes small. threatening.
"That's not fair!" Teal moaned. "We've done everything we were told to do. Look at my hands!" She turned the palms up to show the redness and puffiness.
"Why is it all right for you never to be fair and not for the rest of us? That's the world you created around you. Welcome home," Dr. Foreman said. "Now get up and follow your buddies out. I don't like wasting my time," she said sternly.
"What did you want us to say?" I cried with desperation, my arms out like some street beggar's.
She paused, her lips relaxing, her eyes brightening with cold excitement. "I want you to tell me the truth and I want you to be truthful with yourself."
"What truth? I don't understand what you're talking about, what all this is." I said, shaking my head.
"Oh, but you will. Phoebe. Soon, you will." she said. smiling. "I have no doubt of that."
The buddies were all smiling, too, all of them confident we would fall into line. They were obviously enjoying this, enjoying seeing girls who were once like they were, girls who would be molded into whatever form Dr. Foreman had envisioned for us. Just as she had told Teal in that concrete building-- she was playing God.
"Let's go. ladies," M'Lady Three sang.
With great reluctance, we rose and left that cool oasis, that comfort, and followed them bac
k out to the still hot and glaring late-afternoon sun. When did it cool down?
We put on our shoes and followed our buddies away from the house, all of us shuffling along with exhaustion, looking like some ragtag. defeated army. The hot sun made the plains of the desert shimmer around us, the hot air wavering. I thought it wouldn't surprise me to see a mirage.
I looked back and saw Dr. Foreman standing in the doorway watching us.
She was smiling again and that smile was like a knife at my pounding heart.
And that was no mirage.
4
Betrayal
.
We were taken back to the garden and told to
finish planting the tomatoes. M'Lady Two warned that if we didn't do our work well, we would be denied dinner. Sullen, but afraid to resist, the three of us began again. Natani had a way of appearing as if he just materialized out of thin air. None of us heard him approaching until he was there, standing behind us, observing, occasionally instructing again, and helping us get through it.
The sun was lower in the sky, now nearly completely behind a mountain in the distance. It was almost tolerable to be outside. As the glare lessened. I saw how badly burned both Robin and Teal were, Their cheeks were clown red, their upper arms especially looking raw. Neither realized it yet. I thought. When they turned their backs to me. I saw how crimson the backs of their necks were. too. They would surely be feeling miserable tonight, especially sleeping on those cots. When I looked at Natani. I saw him nod as if he could hear my thoughts,
"You must come with me now," he told Teal and Robin. They looked at me. I shrugged as if to say, who knew what was next?
"I can't do anything else. I'm ready to die!" Teal moaned,
"You must come with me," Natani repeated.
None of the buddies were there to bully us, but we followed him around the far barn, carrying our tools. There we saw what looked like a dumpy old shack made out of logs and brush and mud. He pulled aside the blanket door and stepped back, urging us to enter.
"What is this?" Teal finally asked,
This is my house," Natani said. "We call it a hogan."
We entered slowly. It wasn't much of a house. A thick blanket and a slim mattress were on the left. On the right was what looked like an ancient stove, the pipe up through the roof. We saw a drum and a pile of clothing beside it with two pairs of moccasins. Strings of beads hung on one wall.
"Where's the television set?" Robin joked.
Natani smiled. "My television set is out there." He indicated the door.
'Don't knock it," Teal muttered. "At least there are no commercials."
"Right now, I'd settle for commercials," Rabin replied.
Maybe because we were all so tired and overwhelmed, we all became silly,
"And think of this: he doesn't need any cleaning lady," Teal said. "And his electric bills must be very low." Robin added,
"He can't complain about the neighbors making too much noise. It won't do him any good," I said "The neighbors are all animals."
Natani looked at us as if he had known us all our lives and expected us to be silly. He went to his stove where he had a pot of water simmering. Then he plucked a leather bag off the wall. The bag had fringes and a band of colorful beadwork an the bottom, as well as beads on its drawstrings. He opened it and produced handfuls of what looked like beans, which he dropped into the simmering water. He covered the pot and turned back to us.
"What are we doing here?" Teal asked. 'Is that supposed to be our dinner tonight? Another sick joke of Dr Foreman's. I bet," she said to Robin and me.
Could it be so? I wondered.
"No food. no. Soon, you will hear the sun," Natani said.
"Hear the sun?" Teal turned to me. "What the hell is he talking about now?"
"I think he means your sunburn."
As if speaking about it woke it, both she and Robin grimaced and then looked at their arms and felt the backs of their necks.
"Oh, Jesus." Robin moaned. "My skin feels like someone's holding a match to it."
"Mine feels like it was turned into cellophane. I think I can hear it crinkle," Teal added.
"You must sit," Natani said, indicating a place in his hogan. We did. Then he took his drum and sat with it between his legs.
"I'm in a tent with an old Indian man playing a drum. Am I going crazy or am I going crazy?" Teal muttered.
"We're beyond crazy." Robin said.
Very law at first, Natani began to beat a rhythm and chant something.
"I thought we weren't permitted entertainment until we earned it." Teal joked through her lips, now twisting with some agony. The sun was speaking, just as Natani had predicted.
"This is starting to really hurt." Robin complained as she touched the back of her neck again, "Now that we're indoors. I see what he means about the sun talking. It's not talking; it's shouting."
Natani raised his voice and we all jumped. His chant became stronger, his drumming louder.
"Should we just run out of here or what?" Teal asked. "Wait," I said. "I have a feeling he knows what he's doing."
"And you have sunstroke. too." Robin told me.
Abruptly. Natani stopped chanting and put the drum aside. Then he rose and went to his stove and the pot. He took it off the flame and stirred the contents. He poured the remaining water on the ground, then squatted in front of us and set the pot between his legs.
"These are beans from mesquite,- he said. "They will keep the sun quiet."
"You're kidding." Robin said. "Mesquite. Isn't that a bug?'
"No. it's a plant," Teal said. "I know that much."
Natani dipped his fingers into the pot and came up with the dark, muddy mix.
Teal grimaced. "Maybe that will make it worse. Who told you it works?"
Natani smiled. "Many, many years ago, the coyote told us."
"The coyote? What coyote?" Robin asked.
"The coyote," he repeated, and urged her to give him her arm.
"You should let him do it," I said. "He lives here. He should know what works and what doesn't. You can be sure Dr. Foreman and her buddies won't care about your sunburn. I didn't see a nurse's office at this school."
"Quit calling it a school. It's a hellhole," Teal said.
Robin grimaced and then timidly leaned toward Natani. He began to wipe the mix over her shoulder and arm. He did the same with the other arm, then turned his hand to indicate she should let him get to the back of her neck. She closed her eyes and did so.
"How does it feel?" Teal asked.
Robin thought a moment, "Better. I think."
"Damn. I have to put mud all over me. It's not enough I have it under my nails," Teal complained, but offered her arms and her neck to Natani, who applied the mix on her. Then he put the remaining dark mush in a can and handed it to me.
"For later," he said. and I took it.
"Look at my hands!" Teal moaned, turning her palms up and then showing the blisters to us.
Natani nodded and rose. He went to his bag again and brought back another salve, which he applied to her hands and then to Robin's and mine.
"Natani!" we heard M'Lady Three scream. "Are those delicate flowers in there with you?"
"Go," he said. nodding. "You did good work today. Every day it will get easier, like a stream starting in a new direction. Soon, it flows freely."
"Just what I wanted to be all my life,," Teal said. "a stream."
"Thanks." I said. Rabin and Teal thanked him, too, and we left his hogan.
M'Lady Three was standing there with her hands on her hips. "Oh, you poor babies. Natani felt sorry for your delicate skin. I see."
"Didn't he do the same for you or weren't you as delicate?" Robin shot back at her.
Her face reddened. "That," she said, pointing at Rabin. "will cost you a demerit, smart-ass. One more and you're in the Ice Room. Now get back to your bunkhouse. It's time to clean house."
We looked at each other. Clean house? How could we
clean that barn? It had floor of straw and no real furniture. When we arrived, we saw that Teal's cot was still outside. Our other two buddies were waiting at the door.
Teal raised her hand.
"Speak." M'Lady Three said.
"Am I going to sleep out here again tonight?"
"Let's have you all decide." M'Lady Three nodded and M'Lady Two called Mindy and Gia out. "Teal here wants to sleep in the barn tonight. We're going to let you all vote. Of course, she can't vote, so it's the four of you. A tie means no."
Teal looked hopelessly at Gia and Mindy.
"Would you like to tell the voters anything before they decide?" M'Lady Two asked Teal. 'You did insult their house last night"
Teal glanced at us, lowered her head, and then nodded. "And what would that be, pray tell?" M'Lady Two asked,
Teal raised her head. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult the barn or any of you. Please let me sleep inside tonight." she begged.
The buddies looked self-satisfied. I, as well as Robin and Teal. I was sure. wished I could smother them.
"Okay, then," M'Lady Two said. "All in favor of Teal being permitted to return to the barn. raise your hands."
Robin and I lifted our arms quickly. Mindy and Gia looked as if they were still not going to vote for Teal, but after a second more, slowly lifted their arms.
"Well, then. Teal, you and your friends can bring your cot back inside. You all have an hour before dinner. You are to wash down your cots and wash the barn windows. Gia and Mindy have done their part. They brought the soap and water and the rags into the barn for you," M'Lady Three said.
Robin and I carried Teal's cot back into the barn and put it where it had been. Then, with the buddies watching us, we began to wash down our cots. We were all working like robots now, just moving thoughtlessly, doing what we had to do. When we finished the windows, we were told to bring the dirty water out and dump it. Then, we were rewarded with ten minutes of rest before dinner. I was afraid if I lay back and closed my eyes. I would fall right to sleep, even on the hard wooden surface of the cot.