“HELLO TO YOU, TOO!” I shouted back. “ONLY HERE’S AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE! ’CAUSE RIGHT NOW I AM SHUTTING THE BATHROOM DOOR. ON ACCOUNT OF THAT IS CALLED PRIVACY, MADAM!”
After that, I locked the door real secret. And I filled the sink with water.
Then I dunked Teddy up and down. And I put shampoo on that guy.
I singed a happy song. It is called “Dunking Teddy Up and Down and Putting Shampoo on That Guy.”
Only too bad for me. ’Cause pretty soon, Teddy’s head got soaky wet with water. And he couldn’t hold it up that good.
It flopped all around his neck.
I stood him up in the sink. He was a giant sog ball.
I felt sickish inside my stomach.
That’s how come I wrapped him in a towel. And I hurried up back to my room.
After that, I patted his sog ball head real gentle. And I throwed him under the bed with my slippers.
I hanged my head real gloomy.
“Darn it,” I said. “I am not a good shampoo girl, either. And so now I can never work at Aunt Lola’s with that Grace, probably.”
Just then, my dog named Tickle scratched at my door.
“Go away, Tickle,” I said. “I am not in a playing mood.”
But he kept on scratching and scratching.
I opened the door a teeny crack.
“I said to go away. Don’t you even understand language?”
Only too bad for me. ’Cause Tickle springed right up. And he knocked open the door. And he runned into my room.
He zoomed around and around in circles.
Then finally, he got dizzy and pooped. And he flopped on my rug.
I looked closer at that fellow.
“Hmm,” I said. “Your fur is kind of tangly and matty. Only I never actually noticed that before.”
I tapped on my chin.
“Maybe you should come to my beauty shop for a trim. ’Cause I already had practice. And so I can do better this time, I believe.”
I did more thinking.
“Hey, yeah! And here’s another good thing. Dog fur grows back. Right, Tickle? And so what do we have to lose? That’s what I would like to know!”
I zoomed to my desk and got my shiny scissors.
Then I hurried back to Tickle.
And I gave him a hug.
And I trimmed his tangly, matty fur.
6/The Trouble with Tickle
Tickle did not turn out that professional.
His fur was choppy and moppish. Plus his tail was a teeny stubby.
I tried to push him under my bed. But he wouldn’t even go.
“Yeah, only you have to go under there, Tickle. Or else Mother and Daddy will see your fur. And I will be in trouble.”
Just then, I heard feet walking in the hall.
Oh no!
It was Mother!
She was home from work!
I runned around real upset.
“Hide, Tickle! Hide! Hide!” I said.
Just then, I saw my fuzzy pink sweater!
I grabbed it out of my closet and throwed it on Tickle speedy fast!
Also, I grabbed my favorite hat with the devil horns. And I plopped it on his head.
All of a sudden, Mother opened my door.
I backed up from her.
“H-h-hello,” I said kind of nervous. “How are you today? I am fine. Plus Tickle is fine, too.”
I did a gulp.
“He is wearing clothes, apparently,” I said.
Just then, Mother walked to Tickle real slow. And she took off his hat.
That is how come I quick runned out of my room. And down the hall. And outside into the yard.
’Cause I didn’t want to be there when the sweater came off, of course!
Mother chased me all over my yard.
That woman is speedier than she looks.
She caught me by my arm and marched me into the house.
After that, she sat me in a chair. And she said my goose is cooked, young lady.
Goose is cooked means that your goose is in big trouble. Only I don’t actually have a goose. Only that was not the time to mention it, probably.
Just then, my Daddy came home from work.
Mother tattletaled to him about Tickle.
Then both of them hollered a lecture at me.
It was called What in the World Has Gotten into Me, Young Lady? Do I Not Even Have Good Sense? And Do They Have to Watch Me Every Single Minute?
After they finished yelling, Mother put me in my room. And she took away my scissors forever.
And here’s the worstest part of all.
After dinner I had to take a bath and go right back to bed.
Mother kissed me on my cheek.
It was not that sincere.
“Yeah, only I am not even tired yet,” I said. “And so maybe I should watch Wheel of Fortune, perhaps.”
Mother shook her head.
“No way. No TV,” she said. “If you’re not tired, you can lie here and think about what you did today.”
After that, she shut my door and walked away.
I did a huffy breath at her.
“Yeah, only I don’t even have to think about what I did today. ’Cause I already thinked about it, that’s why,” I whispered to just myself.
Then I did a teeny smile.
“And guess what else? I think I am making progress.”
7/The Terriblest Trouble
The next morning I was very cheered up.
’Cause I knew what went wrong with Tickle!
Tickle has dog hair! And dog hair is harder to cut than people hair! ’Cause people hair is much more tamer!
I runned to the mirror and looked at my people hair.
“I bet I can cut this kind of hair just perfect,” I said.
Just then, I heard the front door open.
It was my grampa Frank Miller! He was here to babysit me before school.
I runned and kissed that guy hello.
Then I zoomed right back to my room. And I hollered a message down the hall.
“DON’T GOME IN MY ROOM, OKAY, GRAMPA? ’CAUSE I WANT TO GET DRESSED ALL BY MYSELF TODAY! AND I DON’T EVEN NEED ANY HELP!”
After that, I shut my door real tight. And I hurried to my desk.
’Cause guess what?
Extra scissors! That’s what!
They were in my middle drawer where I keep them.
I opened and closed them real fast.
Then I skipped to my dresser.
And I combed my bangs silky smooth.
And I snipped their ends right off!
I peeked at myself kind of nervous.
And guess what?
I wasn’t even ruined!
I smiled real thrilled.
“I knew I could do this! I knew it! I knew it! All I needed was practice!”
After that, I snipped some more bangs. Plus, I snipped some sides. And some top. And some back.
After I was finished, I looked in the mirror again.
I did a teeny frown.
“Hmm. My bangs do not look even-steven,” I said.
That’s how come I tried to even them up.
Only those dumb things kept getting tiltier and tiltier.
Finally, I got fusstration inside me. And I took a whole big hunk. And I cut them right off.
“Ha ha! So there!” I said.
I put down my scissors and looked at myself.
I did a gasp.
Oh no! My hair was sticking out all over the place!
“Sprigs!” I said. “I got sprigs!”
That’s how come I started to cry. ’Cause sprigs are shortie little sticklets. And they are not attractive, I tell you.
Just then, I heard a knock on my door.
“Junie B., honey? You all right in there?” asked my grampa. “Okay if I come in?”
“NO! NOT OKAY!” I hollered. “I AM STILL GETTING DRESSED! AND SO PLEASE GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!”
Grampa Miller laughed.
&
nbsp; “Okay, okay. I get the message,” he said. “I’ll go make you a sandwich. You’d better hurry up, though. I’ve got to do some errands, so I’m driving you to school today.”
His feet walked back to the kitchen.
I sat down on my bed real upset.
’Cause sprigs is the terriblest trouble I ever even saw.
8/Hats
I didn’t know what to do.
How could I even go to school? ’Cause everyone would see my sprigs! And they would laugh and laugh!
That is how come I couldn’t stop crying.
Only all of a sudden, a miracle happened. And it is called I spotted my hat with the devil horns.
It was sitting on my desk right where Mother left it. And that hat gave me a good idea!
I quick picked it up and put it on my head.
And guess what?
It hided my sprigs!
“Hey! If I wear this to school, no one will even see my hair!” I said real relieved.
Only just then, I did a teeny frown.
“Yeah, only what if I’m playing on the playground…and somebody steals my devil horn hat off my head? Then everyone will see my sprigs. And they will laugh and laugh.”
I thought real hard.
“Hmm,” I said. “Maybe I can wear two hats. That way, if somebody pulls off one hat, I will still have another hat left.”
I spotted my shower cap. It was lying on my chair.
I put it on under my hat.
“Yeah, only what if I’m playing on the playground…and somebody pulls off my devil horn hat…and then they pull off my shower cap, too? Then everyone will see my sprigs. And they will laugh and laugh.”
I tapped on my chin.
“Three hats!” I said. “I will wear three hats to school! ’Cause that will give me a whole extra hat of protection!”
I opened my bottom drawer and found my ski mask. ’Cause ski masks hide your whole entire everything!
I put the ski mask on my head. Then I put on my shower cap. And my hat with the devil horns.
I looked at myself in the mirror.
“Now nobody can see anything! Not even my nose!”
After that, I got dressed. And I skipped real happy to the kitchen.
Grampa Miller’s eyes popped out at me.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can’t go to school looking like that,” he said.
That’s how come I had to tell him a teensy beansy fib.
“Yeah, only today is crazy hat day. And my teacher said we can wear however many hats we want,” I said.
Grampa Miller scratched his head.
Then he watched me eat my sandwich through my mouth hole.
And he drove me to school.
I skipped into Room Nine very joyful.
I sat down at my table next to Lucille.
“Hello,” I said. “It’s me. It’s Junie B. Jones. See me, Lucille? See me? I am wearing an attractive hat assortment.”
Just then, a meanie boy named Jim pointed and shouted.
“HEY, EVERYBODY! LOOK AT LOONEY B. JONES! WHAT A GOONIE BIRD!” he shouted.
Then all of a sudden, he speeded across the room! And he grabbed my devil horn hat right off my head!
All of Room Nine laughed and laughed.
’Cause they saw my shower cap, of course!
Only lucky for me, because just then my teacher hurried up into the room. And she took control of people.
Her name is Mrs.
She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.
Mrs. grabbed my hat from that meanie Jim. And she gave it back to me.
Then she yelled at all the children. And she took me into the hall.
Mrs. bended down next to me.
“Okay, kiddo. What’s the story here?” she asked.
I rocked back and forth on my feet.
’Cause I didn’t want to tell her the story here, that’s why.
“Yeah, only I don’t actually know what you are referring to,” I said real soft.
“The hats, Junie B. What’s the story with the hats?”
Finally, I did a big breath. And I told her the story.
The Story with the Hats
by
Junie B. Jones
“Once upon a time there was a little girl named Pinkie Gladys Gutzman. And she was practicing to be a beauty shop guy. Only too bad for her. ’Cause her stupid dumb bangs kept on getting tiltier and tiltier. And that’s how come she had to cut them off. And now she wishes she was never even Pinkie. And that is all the details I would like to share with you at this time.”
I did a big breath.
“The end.”
Mrs. put her hands on my shoulders.
“Junie B.? Honey? Are you telling me that you cut your bangs off? Is that what this is about?”
I did not answer her.
Then all of a sudden, Mrs. took off my ski cap. And I didn’t even know she was going to do that!
“No,” I hollered. “Don’t!”
Only it was too late.
Mrs. saw my hair.
She hugged me real tight.
“Oh, Junie B.,” she said. “What happened?”
I started to cry all over again.
“Sprigs,” I said. “Sprigs happened.”
After that, Mrs. gave me some tissues.
And me and her sat down on the floor.
And we figured out what to do.
9/Learning a Lesson
Finally, Mrs. put my devil horn hat back on my head.
“Here,” she said. “This will be the only hat you’ll need to wear today. I promise.”
After that, we went back into Room Nine. And Mrs. told a teensy beansy fib.
“Boys and girls…may I have your attention, please? Junie B. is starting to get the sniffles. And so I’m going to let her wear her hat in class.”
She looked at that meanie Jim.
“All day, Jim. She’s going to wear it all day. And no one is to touch it,” she said. “Not anyone.”
I jumped out of my seat.
“Yeah, Jim. You can’t even touch it with your baby little pinkie finger. Right, Mrs.? Right? Right?”
“Right,” said Mrs.
“Not even at recess. Right, Mrs.? Right?”
Mrs. sucked in her cheeks. “Yes, Junie B. Right.”
“And not when I’m getting a drink at the water fountain. And not when I’m bending down to tie my shoe. And not when I’m walking to the pencil sharpener. And not when I’m just plain sitting in my chair. And not when I’m working in my workbook. And not when I’m practicing my alphabet. And not when—”
“Okay, okay. We get the picture!” said Mrs.
I smoothed my dress.
“All rightie then,” I said real nice.
After that, I sat in my chair.
And I worked in my workbook.
And I played at recess.
And I went to the water fountain.
And no one touched my hat.
After school, Daddy came to Room Nine to get me.
I was surprised to see that guy.
“Daddy! Daddy! I didn’t even know you were coming to get me today! And so this day turned out better than I thought!”
Daddy stared at my hat.
All of a sudden, my stomach did not feel good about this situation.
He reached out and took it off my head. Then he quick closed his eyes.
“Lovely,” he said.
After that, he picked me up. And he carried me to the car.
I tapped on him.
“Did you really mean it is lovely? Or was that a little joke?” I asked kind of nervous.
Daddy didn’t answer my question.
Instead, he buckled me in my seat belt. And we started to drive.
We drove and drove for a real long time.
Finally, we pulled into a parking lot.
I looked out the window.
“Daddy! Hey, Daddy! It’s the beauty shop! The beauty shop with
Maxine!” I said.
Daddy took me right inside.
And guess what?
Maxine was waiting for me!
She did a smile.
“Hmm. Looks like someone gave herself a little trim,” she said.
I felt shy of her.
“I didn’t turn out even-steven,” I said kind of soft.
Maxine ruffled my hair.
Then she put me in her giant spinny chair. And she sprayed my hair with water.
After that, she snipped and snipped and snipped.
Finally, she put gel on my hair. And she blowed me dry.
I looked at myself in the big mirror.
“Hey! What do you know! No more sprigs!” I said real delighted. “How did you do that, Maxine? How did you do that?”
Maxine winked at Daddy.
“Years of practice,” she said.
Daddy leaned close to my face.
“Years and years and years,” he said.
After that, he lifted me down from the chair.
And he gave Maxine lots more dollars.
And me and him drove home again.
After we got to my house, Daddy came into my room with me.
He took my extra scissors off my desk. And he put them in his pocket.
“Sorry, Daddy. Sorry I cut my own hair,” I said.
He did a sigh.
“I know you’re sorry, Junie B.,” he said. “I just hope you learned a lesson from all of this.”
“I did, Daddy. I did learn a lesson. I mean it. I mean it. I mean it.”
Daddy kissed my head.
’Cause that guy still loves me, that’s why.
After he left my room, I looked at my hair some more.
It was the cutest hair I ever even saw.
Just then, my whole face lighted up.
“Hey! I’m the one who got this haircut started. And so maybe I can be a beauty shop guy after all!” I said real thrilled.
I tapped on my chin.
“Yeah, only what happens when I grow up and I have to practice some more? What will I use to cut with?”
I looked at my desk very curious.
Then I tippytoed over there real quiet. And I opened my bottom desk drawer.
I searched my hands all around that thing.
Then all of a sudden, I smiled kind of sneaky.
’Cause guess what?
More extra scissors.