Caesar smiled, which came as a welcome relief. “Just wait until you meet Grandma Annabelle. She’s the sweetest. And a total scatterbrain, always forgetting stuff. I don’t care though. To me, she’s my perfect little angel.”
“Awwww,” Jason said sarcastically, but he mirrored Caesar’s smile.
“Yeah, it’s cheesy, I know. She’s my favorite. All my good grandparent memories are with her.” Despite his words, the happiness faded from Caesar’s features.
“You said she’s still alive, right?”
“Yeah. I was just thinking of the one bad memory, although it’s sort of a good one too.” Caesar laughed at his own contradiction. “I was around eight years old and staying the weekend with her. My grandpa was out visiting a friend, so it was just her and me. We were playing in the backyard on a summer day, running through the sprinkler together or trying to make a water slide out of trash bags lined up on the grass. Grandma Annabelle is like a big kid. Even when the other adults were around, she was always happy to play with me. So anyway, we were having fun, but then my grandma couldn’t catch her breath. She went to sit down, and I figured she was just old and tired. I kept playing, but eventually she called me over and said we needed to drive to the hospital. When she tried to get up, she couldn’t find the strength.”
“Heart attack?” Jason guessed.
“Yeah. She told me to run inside and fetch the phone, which I did. Then she called 9-1-1. That’s when I understood how serious it was. My grandma kept telling me everything was fine, but then she closed her eyes and stopped talking. No matter how loud I shouted, she wouldn’t respond, even when I tried shaking her. I panicked, running around her and freaking out because I didn’t know what to do. Then I heard the sirens and ran to the front door. I could barely speak, so the paramedic picked me up in his arms. All he said was ‘Show me.’”
“Why are you grinning like that?” Jason asked.
“Because he was the most beautiful man in the world. Blond hair, bronze skin, unbelievable muscles… I didn’t notice all this at first, of course, but while watching him give my grandma CPR and bringing her back, well, he seemed like a god to me. This guy had the power to give life, and even though the situation was terrifying, I was blown away when he did it. He brought her back. He saved Grandma Annabelle’s life. I remember him turning to me, eyes crinkling in the afternoon sun as he smiled. Then he gave me a thumbs up. I was in awe. I rode with him in the back of the ambulance, and I swear I couldn’t keep my jaw shut. He was that amazing, and definitely my first crush. When I was older and started fantasizing about him, I realized that I’m bi. But because of him, I also didn’t have a problem with it. Wanting a guy like that simply made sense, you know? Who wouldn’t?”
“He does sound hot,” Jason admitted.
“Yeah, but it was more than that. He meant something. The guy was my idol. My inspiration.”
“Inspiration?” Jason asked.
Caesar shook his head quickly, as if he’d misspoken, but Jason didn’t think he had.
“Wait, are you saying you want to be a paramedic?”
Caesar looked embarrassed. “Yeah, I used to. The idea sounds crazy now, but I wanted to be that guy. I wanted to be this miracle worker who showed up on the scene and made everything okay. The idea of being a doctor didn’t appeal because I was convinced she would have died if that paramedic hadn’t been there. So yeah, I used to dream about being a hero. Sounds arrogant, doesn’t it?”
Jason scoffed. “That you want to help people and feel good about it? That’s not arrogant. You should do it!”
The twinkle in Caesar’s eye faded. “Not going to happen.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
So that was Caesar’s dream, the one he had given up for his parents’ approval. This is what Steph had hinted at, what she hoped Jason could help change. He felt another pang of guilt. She wanted the best for Caesar, and Jason was focusing instead on her texting, making a big deal out of nothing.
The waitress set down a huge portion of fried ice cream, served in a tortilla shell bowl and slathered in whipped cream and honey. Jason’s mouth watered, even though he imagined his already-full stomach recoiling in fear.
“Are you actually going to eat all that?” Caesar asked.
“Yeah,” Jason replied. “And afterwards—and I don’t mean this in a sexy way—there’s a pretty good chance you’ll get to practice your CPR.”
Caesar grinned. “In that case, I’m looking forward to being your hero.”
Chapter Nine
“You might want to keep it down.”
“Narrrgh!” Jason shouted in reply, almost losing the towel around his waist. His eyes remained wide when he saw who had decided to get chatty outside the bathroom. Carrie. He struggled to remember if she’d ever spoken directly to him before. The eldest Hubbard girl spent most of her time in her bedroom listening to music. When she did leave her room, songs always blared through the earbuds she constantly wore. Even now she had one ear plugged, voices singing from the tiny speaker dangling loose near her chest.
“Did you hear me?” she asked.
“Sorry, what?”
“At night. You and Caesar should be quieter.”
Jason froze. Deny, lie, or walk away? The truth wasn’t an option, that was for sure.
Carrie sighed impatiently. “Look, I’m trying to help. I don’t have a problem with what’s going on, but others would.” She glanced meaningfully toward Peter’s bedroom. “If I can hear you…” Then she plugged the loose ear bud back in and walked away. Jason watched her disappear down the stairs and felt a shiver run down his spine.
He remained tense during church, and like so many others there, his thoughts returned over and over to the sins he had committed. Occasionally he would look over at Carrie, but she no longer seemed interested in him. Peter was behaving normally too. That meant her warning—if it truly was that innocent—had arrived in time. Jason spent the whole day around the family, trying even harder than usual, if only to make sure that everything was okay. He was just a normal guy, part of the team, a happy would-be Hubbard. He definitely wasn’t sneaking down the hall every night to do unspeakable things. No, sir. No, ma’am. Of course, when everyone had gone to bed, that was exactly what he did.
“Carrie’s cool,” Caesar said dismissively. “You don’t need to worry about her.”
Jason winced at the volume of his voice, which was still loud despite the hour being so late. Jason had crept into his room to warn him, but Caesar didn’t seem concerned. In fact, he was tugging at the leg of Jason’s pajama bottoms, trying to get them off.
“Stop!” Jason whispered, pulling away. “This is serious. I know she doesn’t care, but she said Peter—”
Caesar glared. “What’s he going to do? I’ll kick his ass!”
“Which would only make him tell on us sooner.”
Caesar considered this and nodded grudgingly. “Fine,” he said. Then he tried again in a slightly quieter voice. “Fine. But I’m not going mute. You know I’m a talker.”
Jason fought back a smile. “I noticed that, but I really don’t need you telling me what to do anymore. I’ve gotten the hang of this.”
Caesar pretended not to hear him. “Get over here and lay on your stomach.”
“Are you serious?”
When Caesar didn’t reply, Jason did what he was told.
“Very good. No, no, keep your hands at your sides.”
Head on the pillow, Jason rolled his eyes as his pajama bottoms were pulled off and his legs were spread slightly. Caesar put a hand beneath each thigh and told him to raise his rump. Jason did so, and was about to remind the room that he wasn’t a bottom, when he noticed where Caesar’s mouth was heading.
A second later, he started moaning… but he tried to do so quietly.
* * * * *
Amy considered her options. Then, wistfully, she said, “I’ve always wanted to buy a black boy.”
Jason
, feeling a surge of panic, glanced around the toy store to see if anyone had heard, or worse, reacted. Luckily they were alone in the aisle. Except for Caesar, who appeared bored. Jason turned back to Amy, ready to give her a lecture on being more sensitive, when he noticed the way she longingly sighed at the dark-skinned doll on the shelf.
“Why don’t you get it?” he asked.
“Because Mom never lets me.”
This gave Jason pause. Amy already owned tons of Barbies, including both girl and boy dolls. All of them were white. He was hard pressed to think of an innocent reason why Amy wouldn’t be allowed to have a black doll. He glanced over at Caesar for an explanation, but his boyfriend had zoned out completely.
“If that’s what you want,” Jason said, “that’s what we’ll get.”
Amy opened her mouth to protest. “But Mom—”
“She’s not buying you a present today. I am.” Of course he was using the cash Mrs. Hubbard had given him for not getting his chore reward last week. Apparently going to the shooting range didn’t count. Jason was happy for the money, but as usual, he couldn’t find anything he wanted for himself. Instead he decided to treat Amy to something special. As much as Jason had to force himself to be around the other Hubbards, he genuinely liked her. Besides, he’d rather play dolls than one of Peter’s computer games.
Amy tugged on Caesar’s sleeve. “What do you think?”
“I don’t care,” he said. “Just hurry up and pick something out.”
“This can’t be rushed,” Jason said, taking the doll to examine it. The dark-skinned version of Ken only included a pair of swim trunks and sandals. “The poor guy is nearly naked. He’ll need an outfit. Maybe two.”
“Are you kidding me?” Caesar didn’t hide his exasperation, shaking his head when he saw Jason was serious. “You guys are weird.”
“Oh, go find yourself something. I bet they make a little toy version of your car.”
Caesar perked up. “You think so?”
Once he had wandered away to find out, they were free to consider their options.
“He’ll have to wear something nice when he takes me on dates,” Amy said.
In Barbie terms, this meant a tuxedo. No casual dining in her world! Black was too boring for a kid’s line, meaning Amy’s new boyfriend would be wearing a silver suit, but she didn’t seem to mind. Jason made sure the daytime clothes were slightly less garish, finding a pack with blue jeans and a T-shirt with the words Fresh Beat! printed on it.
“Freshly farmed beets?” Jason asked.
The joke was lost on Amy, but she was pleased with his choice. Spotting another outfit on the shelf, Jason grabbed it too in a burst of inspiration.
They found Caesar waiting just outside once they finished paying at the register. Next they stopped for some frosted cookies and cola. Hyped up on sugar, Amy became eager to return home and play with her new doll, so they headed out to the parking lot.
“I can’t believe you’ve never driven before,” Caesar said between slurps of his drink.
“Then let’s change that. Toss me your keys.” Jason’s smile faltered when Caesar did just that. “You’re kidding!”
“Nope! You have to learn sometime.”
Jason swallowed. “I don’t think your mom would like me putting Amy’s life at risk. Or yours, for that matter.”
“You think I’m letting you drive us home?” Caesar smirked. “You’re only cruising around the parking lot. That’s how everyone starts out.”
“Oh.” That sounded a lot less intimidating. Jason began to feel excited as he opened the driver-side door and got behind the wheel. “Okay,” he said, looking everything over. “Uh, where’s the parking brake?”
“Right there,” Caesar said from the back. Amy had taken the passenger seat and was digging through her bag. “And you won’t need it because we’re not parked on a hill.”
“Oh. And uh… There’s something called a clutch, right?”
“There would be if this car wasn’t automatic.” After a pause, Caesar added, “You know, maybe this isn’t such a good idea.”
“Oh, we’re doing this!” Jason turned the key. The car was too sophisticated for the engine to roar to life. Instead it went from silent to a quiet hum. “So I just hit the gas and the car knows if I want to go in reverse or not, right?” He looked in the rearview mirror at Caesar’s unusually pale face. “I’m kidding! Geez.”
But when he needed to back out of the parking space, Jason began to feel nervous himself. He had never so much as driven in a straight line, so navigating backward while not hitting the cars on either side—and while avoiding traffic—made his palms sweat. “How come that car is just sitting there?”
“Because they want your space,” Amy said absentmindedly. “You better hurry or they’ll honk.”
“Okay.” Jason pressed on the gas, the car lurching backward. He turned the wheel and hit the brakes at the same time, causing both the tires and Caesar to shriek. Jason had closed his eyes, which probably wasn’t a good idea, and when he opened them he found the car parked diagonally in the middle of the lane. “I didn’t hit anything!” he said proudly.
“Get out of the car!” Caesar insisted.
Jason ignored him, putting the car in drive and cruising forward carefully. He felt good about keeping the car straight, but when turning at the end of the lane, he made a much larger bow than necessary. He compensated for this at the end of the second lane, turning in an arc so tight that the car ended up pointed at a parked car.
“Amy could drive better than this,” Caesar said.
“Maybe you’re right,” Jason replied. “Amy, get over here and see what you can do.”
“Really?” she said.
“No!” Caesar shouted. “Lesson’s over. Next time we’ll do this in an empty parking lot.”
Jason insisted on being allowed to park the car in a space again. This time Caesar coached him instead of complaining, giving him tips that helped, even if he did end up over the line a little. Once he and Caesar switched places, Jason allowed himself to breathe out in relief. He agreed that a less busy environment would be better—and safer—but now that he’d had a taste, he was eager to try again.
When they returned home, they found a car missing from the garage and the house silent. Caesar did a quick check to make sure they were on their own. When he was certain, the look he gave Jason was transparent. Amy even seemed to verbalize what he was thinking.
“Want to play with me?” she asked.
“Actually,” Caesar said, “I’m going to show Jason a video about driving. In my room. It’ll be very boring.”
Amy looked crestfallen.
“Who needs a dumb video when I’ve got such a great teacher?” Jason said. “I’d love to play dolls with you, Amy.”
Blue eyes lit up like only a seven-year-old’s could. “Really?”
“For sure,” Jason said. “I’ve got my priorities. So does your brother.”
“Meaning?” Caesar asked.
“Meaning Amy has a doll with your name right on it. You said you wanted to control your own fate.”
“I did?”
“Yup. Besides, we bought something special for your doll to wear. Show him.”
Amy dug into the plastic bag and pulled out tiny clothing trapped between clear plastic and thin cardboard. The outfit was for a male nurse. Not exactly a paramedic, but Caesar caught the significance and smiled.
“Okay,” he said. “Let’s go play dolls!”
* * * * *
Another party, and this one was much more to Jason’s liking. Seated on the banks of Lake Houston on a moonless night, they had agreed to burn no fires and play no boom boxes, all in the name of avoiding detection. Regardless, Caesar had begged Jason to bring along his guitar, which he happily strummed as they got drunk off another keg Caesar somehow managed to procure. Eventually they all paired up and found private places in the shadows of the trees.
That’s what Jason appreciated ab
out this party. Steph had wandered off with Kurt, which was a promising sign. The giggle twins had found two boys who dressed and talked alike. He imagined they would remain together in a group of four, but still they had gone their own way. A handful of other couples had also slowly drifted farther from the keg, leaving him and Caesar alone. Jason continued to play, sending a tune out in response to the gentle song the water sang. Next to him, Caesar sat with his legs pulled up and stared across the lake, as if he could see the notes disappearing there.
When Jason’s fingers grew sore, he set aside the guitar. His empty hand was immediately filled with a plastic cup, beer slopping over the side.
“Where do you get this stuff?” Jason asked.
“Trade secret.”
The night was too dark to see a wink, but he imagined Caesar doing so anyway. “You’re not having another?” Come to think of it, Jason had only seen him drink one.
“After last time?” Caesar shook his head. “I’m the designated driver tonight. Of course there are more people here than I can fit in my car, but maybe we can fit a few in the trunk. The rest can sleep out here, or something. I have more pressing concerns, such as the one pressing on my bladder.”
Jason laughed and watched him go. Then he turned his attention back to the lake and sighed.
“I recognize that sound.” Steph appeared from out of the dark, carrying two plastic cups. “Any left?”
“Yeah,” Jason took the cups from her and worked on refilling them, asking as casually as possible, “So how’s it going?”
“With Kurt?” Steph sat down next to him. “Well, at first it was weird because all he would talk about was his mother.”
Probably because Jason had recently advised him to do just that.
“Eventually, I started to see some parallels in our lives, and the conversation became a lot less forced. He and I have been to the same dark places.”
“Really?” Jason said carefully. “Sounds like you guys have a lot in common.”
“Which is exactly why you suggested he talk about his mother.”
“Uh…”
“Kurt told me. I don’t think he understands the meaning of tact.”