“You okay?” William asked.
“Yeah,” Jason said. “Just a little hungry.”
“Me too. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
William had already guessed it all but still acted excited when Jason heaped portions of potato salad onto two paper plates.
“It’s heavy on the mayo,” Jason said.
“Perfect.” William shoved a plastic forkful into his mouth and swallowed without much chewing. “The great thing about exercising so much is all the calories that get burned. I get to eat like a pig. Speaking of which, my mom made cookies.”
William nudged a Tupperware container toward him. Jason opened it. Inside were a dozen peanut butter cookies, a crisscross pattern on the surface of each created by a fork pressing against the dough. He had a vague memory of his mother using the same method.
“These look awesome,” Jason said, mouth watering.
“She made them especially for you.”
“Really? She knows about me?”
“Mm-hm.” William chewed and swallowed. “She kept asking if this was a date.”
Jason didn’t hide his puzzlement. “Doesn’t she know about Kelly?”
“She knows all right! That’s why she’s hopeful that I’m moving on.” William’s expression was exasperated. “Kelly and my mom don’t see eye to eye. They never have.”
“Oh.” Jason snacked on one of the cookies thoughtfully. “So… is this a date?”
William’s face lit up, and he seemed about to say something, but then he shook his head and shoveled in more food. Jason watched the pile on the plate disappear like water evaporating off a hot stone. He took a few more bites himself, but didn’t feel much like eating anymore. When William was done—for the time being, at least—Jason handed him a bottle of water and opened one of his own.
“This is probably none of my business,” he said. “But do you and Kelly get along?”
“No,” William said instantly. He took a swig of water, eyes locked with Jason’s as he drank. “He probably feels otherwise, but then Kelly likes to argue.”
Jason didn’t know what to say, besides the obvious: Asking why they were still together seemed too direct, too aggressive. Then again, all was fair in love and war, especially when they shared the same battlefield. “The other night, when we all went out together… You told me that you love Kelly but for the wrong reasons.”
William shook his head. “I said there’s only one reason I’m with him.”
“You don’t love him?”
William pulled up his legs, studied the place where hard dirt met the soft blanket. “I like that you like me. I really do, and I hope it’s obvious that you’re not alone in your feelings.”
Jason’s heart thudded in his chest. “I wasn’t sure—”
“You don’t know me,” William interrupted. Then he sighed. “I mean you do. This is the real me, but there are things you don’t know, and if you did, I don’t think you’d like me so much anymore.”
“Try me,” Jason said.
“You never ask about Kelly’s leg. Why is that?”
Already fearing the implications, Jason’s stomach sank. “I figured it was the sort of thing everyone asks about. That must get old. Besides, I don’t want to feel sorry for him.”
William looked puzzled. “Why not?”
Jason shrugged. “I guess because I wouldn’t want people to feel sorry for me.”
William huffed. “I don’t think that’s how Kelly feels at all.”
“Sorry, I just—”
“No,” William said quickly. “It’s a good thing. You both have pride, but I don’t think Kelly has dignity. Not anymore. Maybe that’s why he’s still punishing me, because I stole that from him. It’s my fault Kelly lost his leg.”
Jason struggled to find a response. “What do you mean?”
“We were arguing. We were always arguing back then. The first year we were together was good, but things kept deteriorating. Maybe we’re both too competitive or… I don’t know. But it reached a point where spending time with Kelly made me more unhappy than anything. And angry, because Kelly has a wicked tongue, and he’s always known exactly what to say to hurt me. We were in the car—I was driving—and I wanted him to shut up. And I wanted to scare him, so I jerked the wheel and slammed on the brakes. I figured we’d end up parked on the side of the road, but the rain was pouring down and we ended up spinning. The vehicle behind us, a pickup, slammed into Kelly’s side of the car and— ” William swallowed and shook his head, unable to continue.
“You didn’t mean to,” Jason said.
“I told you I wanted to scare him,” William said, voice terse. “I could have calmly pulled over and told him he was walking home. Instead I put him in the ICU. That’s the kind of person I am. That’s who you think you have feelings for, but I bet you’re not so certain now.”
Jason didn’t respond. William wouldn’t believe him even if he said otherwise, so he picked at the edge of a paper plate, searching for words that would help and coming up empty. “So what happened next?”
William looked surprised.
“I want to know everything,” Jason said. “Tell it all to me. Then I’ll decide how I feel.”
After a moment, William nodded as if this made sense. “His recovery was difficult. I felt horrible, but I stayed by his side. His parents hated me and still do, so they glared at me every time I showed up at the hospital, or they said horrible things that matched how I felt inside. Only Kelly was glad to see me, kept insisting I be there, and I was happy to be since it was the only way I could make up for what I’d done. These days I wonder if it was the painkillers. I know that sounds mean, but later things changed so much. When Kelly was home again, when he was weaned off the drugs and reality set in, that’s when he became bitter. I don’t blame him. His dream was to run in the Olympics. He was good—really good—so maybe he would have. He still acted like he needed me, kept saying that I made him happy, but I don’t see it. All this time later and all I do is make him miserable, but he still wants me around.”
“Do you love him?” Jason asked.
The question pained William. That much was obvious from his expression. His brow was knotted when he answered. “That argument in the car? I was breaking up with him. I didn’t want to be with him anymore. If the accident hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be.”
“But you feel obligated,” Jason said. “That’s why you’re still with him.”
William’s features were grim. “Please don’t tell him that. I would hate for him to know. It would kill me to do him any more harm than I already have. So I won’t leave him. Ever. I promised him as much when he was in the ICU, and even though he was jacked up to hell, he smiled. It’s horrible, but now I wish I hadn’t made that promise. Then again, it’s the least I can do, considering all I’ve taken away from him. I can’t expect him to forgive me, and I don’t blame him for hurting me back in the little ways he does. But I wish he’d stop punishing himself.”
Jason shook his head, trying to keep up. “How does he punish himself?”
“You asked if he could still swim? He won’t even attempt it. Or run. There are prosthetics he could try. His family has money and can afford it, but he won’t even go in for a consultation. I showed him this video online of an athlete missing a leg above the knee, just like him, and the guy still competes professionally. Kelly wouldn’t even talk about it. He just looked at me like I was being ridiculous. He could be walking without the use of crutches. Did you know that?”
“You’re upset.”
“Well, yeah! It’s one thing if he wants to make me miserable. Fine. I deserve it. But I still want him to have the best life possible! Why wouldn’t I be upset?”
Jason took a deep breath. “I mean that you being upset is good. Yeah, you screwed up and something horrible happened, but you obviously never wanted it to. You still care for Kelly, and you still want him to be happy because you’re a good person. Do you really think me knowi
ng all this is going to interfere with how I feel about you?”
William didn’t look relieved by this. Instead he stood and walked toward the waterfall, stopping halfway to lean against a tree. Jason gave him his space, distracted himself by rearranging their picnic gear without actually accomplishing anything. Then he rose and walked to join him.
“I want to be with you,” William said without turning to face him. “You have no idea how bad I want to just… do the things we should be able to do. Even something small, like holding your hand. But now you know everything. You know it’s impossible. Or would you really ask me to turn my back on Kelly and hurt him all over again?”
Doing so would hurt William, make him feel guilty and horrible and ready for anything but Jason’s affection. “Maybe we don’t need to touch,” Jason said. “Love is more than holding hands or kissing or sex. It’s more than just the physical, right? If that’s what this is, maybe we don’t need those things.”
William turned to him, and that’s all it took to show Jason he was wrong. He wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him or simply feel their bodies pressing together. He knew that urge would never leave. They stood facing each other, unable to act, and Jason felt like crying or screaming or both. They had to find a way out of this.
The thing was, Jason had been here before. He kept finding these incredible guys, but he was always too late. He shouldn’t be surprised, since why would someone like William or Caesar be single? And later, when trying to keep his distance from Caesar hadn’t worked, he had made his move and pushed Caesar to be with him. Even without the disastrous morning when Peter had caught them, it wouldn’t have worked. In the end, Caesar had still chosen Nathaniel.
“What are we going to do?” William asked.
Jason hesitated. “If I wasn’t such an honest man these days, I’d suggest you stay in your loveless relationship with Kelly while secretly going elsewhere for what you really need.”
“An affair?” William looked amused by the idea, which was progress. “No. You’re too good to be the other woman. I won’t do that to you.”
“My feelings don’t really hinge on you being so noble,” Jason tried.
“There’s got to be a better way.”
There was, and he felt William already knew the answer. No matter what promises he had made, no matter how much Kelly thought he needed William, they were better off separate. But Jason wouldn’t be the person to push William to make that decision, mostly because pushing Caesar hadn’t helped. Besides, William had finally confided in him, and asking him to change his entire life wouldn’t encourage him to remain open.
Jason decided to retreat. For now. “A picnic is a failure if any food is left over,” he said. “Did you know that?”
“No,” William said, “but I’m relieved, because I’m still starving.”
Once they had decimated the potato salad, chips, and cookies, they got back on their bikes and explored the park. A few places could be reached only by foot, and at those locations they would leave their bikes leaning against each other, like the lovers they couldn’t be. William showed off by climbing a tree, and Jason proved how cool he was with everything by not mentioning Kelly again. Later they shook out their picnic blankets over an empty field, lying on them side by side and soaking up the sun. When they grew tired of slapping bugs on their necks and picking brambles out of their shoelaces, they returned to Jason’s home.
“I should go,” William said, standing outside the front door. “I’m sure Kelly is getting more nervous by the hour.”
“He knows we’re together?” Jason asked, not hiding his surprise.
“Of course. Nothing like an early morning argument to start the day.”
“Sorry.”
“Nah.” William waved a hand dismissively. “It was worth it.”
“Hey!” Jason said. “Before you go, there’s something I wanted to show you. Come up to my room real quick.”
William raised a skeptical eyebrow but then smiled. “Yeah, okay.”
Jason felt a little silly grabbing his guitar and sitting on the edge of the bed. Nothing had naturally led to this moment, but he wanted to share this part of himself, no matter how random it seemed. William sat next to him, expectantly looking at him and the guitar. Jason had planned to play something romantic, a song that somehow expressed how he felt, but he changed his mind at the last moment and went with a song by Paul Simon. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover, a playful tune about trying to talk someone into leaving the person they were with. Jason wasn’t much of a singer, but luckily it wasn’t a very demanding song. He plucked at the guitar, trying to put a funky twist on it, and felt relieved when William laughed during the chorus.
“Very interesting song,” he said when Jason was done.
“Yeah, it’s fun.” Jason put the guitar back on its stand and leaned back.
“You’re really good,” William said.
“Thanks. Honestly, that’s not the best song for me, but—”
“I thought it awesome,” William said. “And it gives me something to think about on the long ride home.”
“Yeah.”
William was staring at him. Jason couldn’t think of anything else to say. What he really wanted to do was lean over and kiss him, but that wasn’t going to happen.
“I should go,” William said, but he didn’t stand. Instead he looked over at Jason’s hand, which was splayed out on the mattress. Then William put his hand over it. He didn’t grab hold of it, or intertwine their fingers. He simply rested his palm on top of Jason’s hand, and as simple as this gesture was, it sent tingles racing over his skin. William left his hand there for the briefest of moments, eyes searching Jason’s, before he squeezed once and stood.
“Fifty ways, huh?” he said.
“At least,” Jason said. “I can make you a list if you want.”
William smiled, shook his head, and sighed. “Thank you for a wonderful day.”
“My pleasure,” Jason said. “Want me to see you out?”
“That’s about the last thing I want right now,” William said. “Although, if that Marcello guy is still around, maybe you should.”
Jason laughed. “I’m pretty sure he’s harmless, but better safe than sorry.”
* * * * *
Once William was gone, and Jason had deflected a million questions from Ben… Once the house had finally settled down, he found he couldn’t sleep. Jason lay in bed, the sheets increasingly tangled as he tossed and turned. Then he rose, went to the bathroom, and took the manila envelope from the vanity drawer. He carried it back to his room, pulling out each piece of information, one by one.
The newspaper was first, and Jason was glad he hadn’t looked at it earlier since it had a medium-sized photo of the car wreck, the passenger-side door completely caved in. Jason stared at the twisted metal, trying to imagine Kelly inside that mess before the paramedics had freed him. Then his eyes drifted up to the headline. Star Athletes in Auto Collision! The article itself was confusing, making it sound as if they were driving separate cars before crashing into each other. It also insinuated that drugs or alcohol might have been involved by stating it was uncertain if they had been. Another newspaper clipping had a shorter piece on the accident, getting the facts right and reporting that Kelly Phillips was in critical condition. Two small headshots were included, one of Kelly, one of William. Red ink surrounded Kelly’s headshot, and next to it in handwriting, Marcello had scribbled: Does he always look this good? Model material!
The thing was, the photo didn’t do Kelly justice. He was way hotter in real life. Jason spent some time studying William’s grinning face, wishing the picture was larger. He got his wish when he moved on to the next piece. This article was from the sports section. William stood with two other men in swimsuits, each of them holding up a medal won in a local competition. The grinning face matched the one from the previous article, meaning they must have cropped it. Jason carefully tore William free from this page, crumpling up a
nd throwing away the two other guys. After a moment’s thought, he trashed the rest of the information in the envelope. A quick glance revealed more articles from local papers or screenshots of online profiles and such. Marcello was quite the detective, but Jason had all he needed. If there was anything important he needed to know, he trusted William to tell him.
Jason took his flimsy black-and-white copy of William’s photo and placed it on the pillow next to him. Then he got up and made sure the door was locked—because this really was embarrassing behavior—and got back into bed. When he lay back down, he adjusted the pillow so he could stare at William, still dripping with water as he held up his medallion with pride. Jason stared until this image was burned into his mind, until his eyes were too tired to stay open. William victorious and happy was the last thing he saw before falling asleep.
Chapter Twenty-four
Sunday brought an unwelcome surprise. When Jason showed up at the YMCA, still feeling bleary from a night of poor sleep, William wasn’t waiting for him outside like he usually was. Jason waited ten minutes, then twenty, before going inside. Peeking through the door that opened onto the pool, he spotted William doing laps. Farther away, fully clothed and sitting on the edge of the diving board, was Kelly.
Jason retreated to the locker room, trying to decide what to do. Kelly knew they met almost every morning, so not showing up now—the day after their picnic—might seem suspicious. Deciding to pretend everything was normal, Jason changed into his swimsuit and walked out to the pool, acting pleasantly surprised when he saw Kelly there. Jason waved, and although the gesture wasn’t returned, he happily dived into one of the lanes like he was eager to practice.
When William climbed out of the pool for a break, Jason did the same, flashing him a reassuring smile. Everything was okay. No need to panic. Naturally they couldn’t talk freely with the third wheel around, and Kelly didn’t respond to Jason’s attempts to make small talk, so it was hardly a pleasant morning. Jason had to get to work anyway, and found himself eager to leave. That night he got a text message from William, which was rare.